By |

Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.

 

By |

Olivia Newton John is auctioning off the black leather jacket & pants she wore as “bad girl Sandy” at the end of ‘Grease’. Her only stipulation is that the auctioneer close bidding by saying “going once..going twice..tell me about it, stud.”

R. Kelly was charged in Minnesota with prostitution and illegal contact with an underaged girl. He already faces charges in New York and Chicago, and will almost certainly be adding more cities to this tour.

Amazon is accused of selling books that promote hatred and white supremacy in its online store — and audio versions of the same books read by White House aide Stephen Miller.

GateHouse Media is merging with Gannett to create the U.S.’ largest newspaper company. It’s the biggest company ever to make a product that nobody wants anymore.

To minimize the nuisance from seagulls, Ocean City, New Jersey hired East Coast Falcons to release trained hawks, falcons & owls to repel the gulls. So far it’s working, but officials received multiple complaints about Speedo-clad hawks bothering women on the beach. 

A new study finds bowls at Chipotle contain cancer-linked non-boiodegradable chemicals. Said a Chipotle spokesperson, “it’s called guacamole”.

A Phoenix postal worker cooked a steak on the dashboard of his delivery truck to draw attention to the “inhumane” working conditions during the Arizona heat wave. He then delivered the steak to the wrong Grubhub customer.

Scottish scientists created an artifical tongue that can identify authentic Scotch whiskey with 99% accuracy and catch counterfeit alcohol. They hope to put the tongues in widespread use once they stop lab employees from stealing and sucking the whiskey out of them.

The NFL’s Houston Texans kicked rookie cornerback Lonnie Johnson, Jr out of a practice against the Green Bay Packers for hitting Packers receivers too hard. Texans coach Bill O’Brien told Johnson to save those concussions for the regular season.

Google is introducing a feature for Android phones where a robotic voice can speak on your behalf to 911 operators. It recognizes phrases like “I’m having a heart attack”, “my house is on fire” and “where is my pizza?”

Following their devaluation of the yuan to minimize tariff impacts, the Trump Administration called China “currency manipulators”. Asked to explain what that means, President Trump said China manipulates its currency to look nothing like U.S. dollars.

 

By |

Self driving cars are now on the streets of Hamburg, Germany. More Hamburg’ers are getting dropped and run over than at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Apple is dropping the price of iPhones in China. Apple’s Chinese factory workers are worried that decreased profit sharing contributions will create higher out-of-pocket costs for juice boxes.

Lori Loughlin fans gathered at a Boston courthouse as she faced felony charges in a college admissions scam. Boston cable tv service was down due to overload caused by the fans all setting their DVRs to record Hallmark Channel while they were out.

28,000 chickens died in a massive fire in rural Berks County, Pennsylvania. Residents nearby wondered why, with that many chickens burning, there weren’t firemen already there.

Former Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy said in an interview his firing by the team was handled poorly – a stark contrast to the majority of people who get fired and think their former employer did a stellar job at it.

Tyson Foods recalled 10 tons of beef patties for possible plastic contamination. Some of the beef had been shipped to school cafeterias, where it had been certified by lunch ladies as “fine with me”.

President Trump claimed in a speech that wind farms cause cancer, citing his own personal experience of wind making his hair fall out.

Ellen Degeneres, responding to Brunei approving stoning executions of homosexuals and adulterers, called for a boycott of hotels owned by Brunei. These include The Beverly Hills Hotel & Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, and an airport Best Western in Newark where the sultans send wives they got tired of.

A new survey in The Lancet states that 20% of global death is linked to poor diet. The Lancet concluded that if Thanos couldn’t obtain all of the Infinity Stones, his backup plan was McDonald’s gift cards.

New research from Sophia University in Tokyo concludes that some house cats are capable of recognizing their own names. They say the cats most likely to respond are those with the given name CanOfCatFoodOpening.

 

By |

President Trump named Mick Mulvaney acting chief of staff. Trump had met with former NJ Governor Chris Christie to take the job. Christie was rumored to be on the short list, and also on the obese list.

A report from Oxford University found that a Russian disinformation campaign used every major social media platform to share content geared to elect Donald Trump. It was so far-reaching, Russians issued 10 million tweets, 61 thousand Facebook posts, and even made Trump’s LinkedIn profile look pretty good.

Angela Ponce of Spain became the first transgender woman to compete in the Miss Universe pageant. Ponce did not make the Top 20, despite winning the bench press competition.

Spice Girl Mel ‘Scary Spice’ B posted photos to Instagram after suffering a severed hand and broken ribs in an accident. She’s expected to make a full recovery. Asked if injures would disrupt singing and dancing for the upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour, Scary said no, since she could never sing or dance to begin with.

Offset crashed wife Cardi B’s performance at the Rolling Loud Festival in Los Angeles over the weekend, showing a floral arrangement reading TAKE ME BACK CARDI. Cardi refused, despite Offset’s promise to include her in all his future threesomes.

Former Today Show host Megyn Kelly debuted a new short haircut. Kelly said the short hair makes it easier to put on the afro wig she bought for next year’s Halloween costume.

Merriam-Webster named ‘justice’ its Word of the Year for 2018, citing a large increase in look-ups for the word – though many are believed to be confused parents trying to find the teen girls’ clothing store of the same name.

  • ‘Justice’ succeeds 2017’s Word of the Year, ‘feminism’ — President Trump is already pretty sick of them both.

Following the Chicago Bears’ win over the Green Bay Packers, Bears left tackle Charles Leno Jr proposed marriage on the sidelines to his girlfriend, Jennifer Roth. Roth said yes, and Leno entered the concussion protocol.

RadarOnline reports that 69-year-old Caitlyn Jenner and her partner, 22-year-old Sophia Hutchins, are planning to marry and welcome a baby in 2019. They’re reportedly exploring adoption or having a surrogate carry Sophia’s egg and Caitlyn’s sperm.

An autonomous food delivery robot operated by Berkeley, California startup Kiwi, burst into flames on a sidewalk during a delivery on Friday. The robot left a note saying it couldn’t live with itself any longer for delivering all of those Arby’s sandwiches.

 

 

By |

Meghan McCain – daughter of GOP Senator John McCain – is joining the cast of The View, saying she wants to honor her father by being tortured for several years.

IKEA has acquired on-demand labor company TaskRabbit, whose contract laborers make money on odd jobs, like assembling IKEA furniture. TaskRabbit lawyers are struggling with the contract, since it’s written entirely in pictures.

A Broadway musical based on the life and music of Cher is set to debut in 2018, although producers wonder if they’ll ever be able to find a Cher impersonator.

Delta Airlines will offer free in-flight texting. Passengers can now contact their friends-with-benefits to ask ‘U up? Get me at the airport?’

A school librarian in Cambridge Massachusetts refused a shipment of 10 Dr Seuss books sent from Melania Trump as part of a reading initiative. The librarian said the Seuss books were ‘cliched’, and Melania had scribbled question marks in the margins next to words she didn’t understand.

Melania Trump met with families whose members died from opioid overdoses at a gathering at the White House. After the listening session, Mrs. Trump said she wished she could have been there to help addicts find nude modeling jobs and hook up with rich guys.

Children in the Chidza village of Zimbabwe capture mice and sell them as a delicacy. The kids are thrilled to be earning money and never thought they’d be awarded a Chipotle franchise.

Accused National Security Agency document  leaker Reality Winner is alleged to have smuggled classified documents out of the office in her underwear. She told investigators she would have taken more, but her Spanx wouldn’t allow it.

Womens apparel retailer Forever 21 is teaming up with Taco Bell to offer a Taco Bell-themed collection of bodysuits, sweatshirts and hoodies — mostly in large sizes.

A Dearborn, Michigan toddler shot two other children with a loaded handgun he found at daycare. The two victims are in good condition, and will think twice the next time they decide they won’t share their toys.

  • The shooter has already been hired to address an NRA Conference, with a keynote address he’s calling “Time Out, My Ass!”

In the wake of its massive data breach, Equifax will offer free “credit locks”. This way, identity thieves can prevent victims from stealing their identities back.

The Chicago Bears v Green Bay Packers Thursday night NFL game marked the league’s debut on new broadcast partner Amazon Prime. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers threw four TD passes and also now leads the league in buffering.

  • The game was delayed for nearly an hour as a storm passed, so players with 1-in-2 odds of head trauma could be protected from 1-in-1 million odds of lightning strike.
  • Packers and Bears players stood with arms locked during the National Anthem. It was either a show of solidarity or the beginning of an awesome game of Red Rover.

 

Carmen Electra offered her memories of deceased Playboy founder Hugh Hefner; saying that Hefner ‘loved life and loved what he did’, although he couldn’t always remember who he did.

Roger Goodell met at NFL Headquarters in New York City with a group of team owners and prominent players to discuss players kneeling during the national anthem and other issues impacting the game. No definitive conclusions were reached regarding the kneeling, but everyone attending agreed that Odell Beckham Jr’s peeing dog was dumb.