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Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx appeared on ‘Dr Phil’ to tell a ‘catfished’ woman that he really didn’t propose marriage to her. “Thank you Dr Phil, good..you’re the one who made me feel alright.” she said.

A new lawsuit claims Subway restaurants have no actual tuna in their tuna salad. The claim is supported by a whistleblower cat, hired by Subway to eat mice and lick counters clean.

Alabama’s coronavirus positivity rate is the highest in the nation. “Hooray!” said Alabamians who still don’t get what ‘positive’ means.

Post Cereals acknowledged there’s a nationwide shortage of Grape Nuts, coinciding with a nationwide shortage of dentist appointments to fix broken teeth.

A storm packing 80mph winds toppled 15 giant sequoia trees in Yosemite National Park. The park suffered over $200 million in damages, and a GoFundMe was established to benefit dozens of homeless squirrels.

Encrypted messaging app Signal added new mainstream chat features, in order to appeal to a wider audience of people seeking to overthrow their government.

A Louisiana cemetery refused to bury a black sheriff’s deputy because it sold plots in the 1950s promising “whites only”. The deputy may still be interred there, because dead bigots said they’d only be buried with blacks “over their dead body”.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg said they intend to “turn down the temperature” and downplay divisive political posts in News Feeds. “Alright, we’re back in business!” said kittens.

Hobby Lobby said it will discontinue 40% off coupons, responding to intense criticism from grandchildren getting crappy homemade birthday gifts instead of money.

Kraft is launching a pink-colored version of its macaroni & cheese for Valentine’s Day. For the next two weeks, poison control centers are being told to expect frantic calls from parents mistakenly thinking their toddlers are throwing up blood.

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After a bombardment of criticism for faking a Spanish accent, Hilaria/Hillary Baldwin announced she’s taking a siesta from social media.

Home health care workers in Germany received COVID-19 vaccines containing five times the normal dosage. They claim the mistake hasn’t yielded any adverse side effects, other than rage-induced super strength.

Reality TV star D’Andra Simmons is hospitalized with acute COVID-19 symptoms, and can be seen in upcoming episodes of Bravo’s ‘Real IntensiveCareWives of Dallas’.

The Washington Football Team released quarterback Dwayne Haskins, making him Unemployed Football Individual.

Lori Loughlin was forced to isolate for the last two weeks of her prison sentence due to a COVID outbreak – time she used to write a first draft of holiday movie ‘Jail Alone’.

Anime film ‘Demon Slayer’ became Japan’s highest-grossing movie ever. If you want to know what it’s about, ask your weird 36-year-old cousin who still lives with his parents.

Google removed the wide-angle astrophotography function from its Pixel 5 and Pixel 4a 5G phones without explanation. It allowed users to take photos of stars in the night sky, and of their neighbor’s dimly-lit upstairs bedroom.

Archaeologists in Pompeii discovered a ‘termopolium’, or street-food stand, predating the destruction of the city by Mount Vesuvius. Wall paintings depicted the menu items, and let customers know that guacamole would be a little extra.

Demi Lovato posted a swimsuit photo on Instagram, with her stretch marks painted over in gold glitter. Fans praised her show of body positivity and determination, since the picture required two trips to Hobby Lobby for more glitter paint.

The state of Maine reported 7 new COVID-19 deaths, but said they can still be eaten with lemon butter after a thorough boiling.

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Veteran NHL announcer Mike ‘Doc’ Emrick did play-by-play commentary over video of an auto mechanic replacing his car’s windshield wiper. Viewers called it “still more exciting than soccer”.

Walmart announced they’re seeking to hire up to 150,000 new workers – 140,000 for warehouses, and 10,000 bouncers for the toilet paper aisle.

Anyone can audit Yale University’s ‘Happiness’ course for free. For $49 you can complete assignments and receive a grade. People dumb enough to pay the money and get a ‘D’ get angry, then have their Happiness grade lowered to ‘F’.

Elon Musk bought over 1,200 ventilators from China and had them air-shipped to Los Angeles. They’ll be donated to hospitals as soon as they’re cleaned by the 2,400 robots he’s still building.

A Gallup poll says one in five adults is wearing a fitness tracker; and three in five drawers are holding one.

Jeff Bezos posted a four-page letter to Amazon workers on Instagram, claiming his sole focus is on company operations during the COVID-19 outbreak. Warehouse employees lost a grand total of $2 billion in pay taking unauthorized bathroom breaks to read it.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that the COVID-19 virus can live for up to three hours in aerosol form. Procter & Gamble announced an immediate recall of Cinnamon Vanilla Coronavirus Febreze.

Scientists discovered an ancient, wormlike creature over 500 million years old and the ancestor of all living mammals. It refused to wear a condom.

Instacart is planning to hire 30,000 grocery delivery workers. Applicants must have a valid drivers license, and the strength to toss a 20-pound bag of groceries on to a porch from 10 feet away.

Hobby Lobby chief executive David Green sent a letter to stores, claiming his wife ‘had a heavenly vision’ that God would protect them from sickness. “I had it too!” said a store worker holding a large tube of modeling glue.

 

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Researchers at MIT have created tiny transforming robots, called ‘Primers’, outfitted with exoskeletons that change shape — allowing them to swim, walk, roll, glide..and star in at least five terrible movies.

According to a new survey from YouGov Omnibus, half of American adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 50 years; and 80% of Japanese adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 30 minutes.

Comedian DL Hughley said on his radio show that it’s easier to buy 10 guns than it is to buy two packs of Sudafed. An NRA spokesman replied, saying that’s because guns are proven to be more effective at clearing nasal congestion.

President Trump hosted a meeting at the White House to commemorate October as Hispanic Heritage Month. He asked if any of the Hispanic women in attendance had breast cancer so he could knock out two meetings at once.

Sesame Street launched new video tools to help children coping with trauma, starting with “Elmo Totally Just Can’t Even Right Now” and “Oscar The Grouch Wasn’t Carrying Flood Insurance“.

The Supreme Court ruled that employers can’t be forced to cover birth control as part of their health insurance offerings, so if you have your eye on that hot cashier at Hobby Lobby, budget for condoms.

AOL Instant Messenger will shut down for good in December, feted with a gala sendoff from sex cam models who retired on the money they made there.

Netflix is raising prices on its flagship service from $11.99/month to $13.99/month; in a move expected to draw outrage from cord-cutting millennials who spend $5/day on coffee.

Top CIA officials were quoted this week saying that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is a ‘rational actor’ with ‘long term goals’ – and that he is ‘not crazy’. Asked if they were willing to say the same things about President Trump, they looked at their phones and said they had to take a call.

Lin Manuel-Miranda is set to release a new song ‘Almost Like Praying’ to benefit Puerto Rico disaster relief.  You have to wait six months to hear it at a cost of $500.

 

 

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Lindsay Lohan tweeted that everyone should “stop bullying” President Trump. “Mission Accomplished!” said Melania Trump, declaring her long-awaited anti-bullying campaign a success.

CEO Elon Musk blamed battery shortages for slower-than-expected shipments of Tesla electric cars, claiming that batteries are even harder to get now that most Radio Shacks are closed.

QVC is acquiring Home Shopping Network, making it the Amazon of Old Southern Ladies.

New research from the University of Pennsylvania says that being the target of ‘trash talk’ can make you motivated and more productive. “I’ll say! How do you think we got that nuclear missile done so fast?” said Kim Jong Un.

Doctors writing in the Journal of Otolaryngology reiterated their opinion that cotton swabs should not be used to clean ear wax. Q Tips responded with a new ad campaign touting the benefits of nose picking.

President Trump is set to meet Vladimir Putin in Poland. Asked if he required a Russian-to-English translator, Trump said no, that he’s a smart guy and can read lips.

Melania Trump joined her husband in Poland, touring the Copernicus Science Center in Warsaw. She was presented with a 3D-printed high-heeled shoe by a student. Melania asked if she could return the shoe for store credit.

Madonna shared a letter from the late Tupac Shakur, which he sent from prison and admitted to ending their romance because she was white. “It’s not me, it’s you” he wrote, continuing “I hope that we can remain Thug Friends.”

Amazon.com is partnering to make and sell wine. The FAA has already reported a spike in drunk drones.

Ronda Rousey appeared on Live With Kelly & Ryan to promote her captaincy on the reboot of Battle of the Network Stars – a captaincy which ended in a first-round knockout at the hands of some kid from the Disney Channel.

The mother of a 2 year-old boy had to hold him in her lap on a flight from Honolulu to Boston, even though she bought him a ticket. United mistakenly sold his seat a second time. Although the toddler remained on the flight, United still dragged his teddy bear up the aisle and off the plane.

The owner of Hobby Lobby was fined $3 million for illegal smuggling and possession of biblical artifacts from Iran. He is also ordered to return the artifacts, just as soon as he removes the glitter paint and stickers from them.