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‘Thursday’ is a new dating app that only works on Thursdays, and all of a user’s matches disappear at the end of the day. Men who go on dates with women can keep dating them if it goes well, or label them C U Next Thursday if it doesn’t.

Russian chess player Amina Abakarova was suspended from competitive play after poisoning her opponent by spraying mercury on their pieces. Abakarova may also be disqualified from her upcoming appearance in the Werther’s Originals Checkers Grand Nationals.

Swimmers were shocked to see an alligator swimming in Lake Erie near Erie, Pennsylvania. The alligator isn’t exactly thrilled to be in Erie, Pennsylvania either.

A 7.1 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Japan triggered a tsunami warning, and a potential oversupply of sushi.

A California teacher was shocked when she discovered a bear had broken into her classroom and eaten all the granola bar snacks. She was even more shocked when the bear’s mother showed up to complain that the granola bars her child ate weren’t gluten free.

New research finds harmful bacteria can survive being microwaved. Although the bacteria eventually die from ingesting Hot Pockets and Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

A woman died of suicide after choking herself to death on a baggage carousel at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. Meanwhile, at Philadelphia Airport, at least 3 people died after collapsing after 7 hours waiting at a baggage carousel.

Two people were stabbed at a Philadelphia rehab center. One was stabbed and the other restabbed.

The Biden Administration is sponsoring new regulations to make it easier to unsubscribe to apps and online services, and to require the ability to speak with a live customer service rep. If passed, it’s expected to create millions of new jobs in India.

After Kamala Harris championed exempting service worker’s tips from taxes, Donald Trump said she doesn’t have any of her own ideas, she just steals his. Harris plans to greet Trump at their September debate by grabbing him by the balls.

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Traffic data indicate that post-pandemic commutes are shifting from 9-to-5 schedules to 10-to-4. This is validated by cops seeing more road rage shootings at 10:15a.m. & 4:15p.m..

Four million baby boomers are projected to retire each year for the next four years, creating opportunities for young job seekers in such areas as laying off baby boomers who don’t retire.

The FDA is set to approve new blood tests to detect Alzheimer’s and colon cancer. Cologuard may start testing for Alzheimer’s, as grandparents send boxed stool samples to their grandchildren for their birthdays by mistake.

Organizers of the San Francisco Marathon infuriated competitors in the Half-Marathon event, by mistakenly making it just 12.6 miles instead of 13.1. One entrant did complete a full half-marathon – he entered the marathon and had a heart attack after 13.1 miles.

Researchers in Japan determined a way to bond living skin tissue to a robot. Then every single one of them proposed marriage to the robots.

Intel is laying off 15,000 employees – who are now going fron IntelInside to IntelOutside.

The $269 Ninja Slushi – which cranks out frozen slush drinks in minutes – is a new viral sensation. Unfortunately, kids have wised up and won’t be fooled by broccoli slush no matter how fun it looks.

Lauryn ‘Pumpkin’ Efird – daughter of Mama June and sister of Honey Boo-Boo, filed for divorce from her husband of six years. They’ll share custody of two kids and Pumpkin-carve up the rest of their assets.

Tori Spelling said she’s planning to start an OnlyFans so she can send her kids to college. Spelling is 51 and has had five kids so she’s telling them to focus on community college.

A pregnant Cardi B is once again filing for divorce from husband Offset after another cheating allegation. This is believed to be her third divorce filing, according to her lawyer who was smart enough to keep the second filing in their Drafts folder.

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A self-described transgender vampire was convicted in Wisconsin of sexual assault. Sentencing is scheduled next month for Countess Dracula.

Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social will start a streaming tv channel. They’ll air Trump rallies and felony trials in between JAG & NCIS reruns.

A former prosecutor told CNN he worries about the safety of jurors in Trump’s NYC hush money felony trial – especially since they’ll be sequestered at Trump’s Bedminister, New Jersey hotel & golf club.

Drug maker Eli Lilly claims their weight loss drug Zepbound also reduces sleep apnea – mostly because people lose enough belly fat that they can finally sleep face down if they want.

Hollywood producer Carol Baum said she “doesn’t get” it-girl actress Sydney Sweeney, saying she’s “not pretty” and “can’t act”. ….. “Yeah, we don’t care” said male Hollywood producers.

Phoenix, Arizona is holding a tree planting drive, as average temperatures approach 100 degrees. Organizers say they expect shade from the trees to pay off after everyone planting them has been dead for twenty years.

A snake slithering through a passenger car on one of Japan’s bullet trains caused a 17-minute stoppage in the trip from Tokyo to Osaka. The snake was captured and returned to the kitchen so chefs could continue making lunch for the dining car.

The Department of Justice is considering anti-trust action against Ticketmaster/Live Nation for excessive fees and controlling a massive share of the ticketing market. Ticketmaster has already listed seats at the trial for $500 each plus $75 in fees.

Crystal Kung Minkoff announced she’s leaving Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where she was the Bravo series first Asian American cast member. She’s considering joining the cast of Real Housewives of Oklahoma, where she’d be the first Asian to ever live there.

Salvatore ‘Sal the Shoemaker’ Rubino of Sal’s Shoe Repair on Long Island was charged with running an illegal gambling operation out of the shop. Investigators recorded Rubino hitting a customer with a baseball bat over failing to pay $20,000 for new soles on his loafers.

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Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce spent Easter Sunday in Philadelphia at the home of Jason Kelce, then returned to L.A. on her jet, where she recorded two hastily-written bonus tracks for her upcoming album, Not For Nothin’; & Jawn With The Wind.

New research claims dogs are able to associate some words with objects. Other research finds cats are able to associate an infinite number of objects and actions with “food”.

Adidas will redesign the number 4 on Germany’s national soccer team jerseys, after complaints that it resembles a symbol of Nazi paramilitary units. They’ll implement a new design just as soon as they fill all the backorders from Germany and the U.S.

Discount grocer Lidl is recalling macarons in 9 states due to potentially “lethal” mislabeling which omitted allergens in them. No deaths have been officially reported, but flags are flying at half-mast on Sesame Street.

Beyonce’s ‘Cowboy Carter’ country album broke single-day streaming records on Spotify, Amazon Music & elsewhere. The hundreds of millions of streams are expected to earn Bey royalties in excess of $300.

The number of U.S. workers over the age of 75 is expected to nearly double over the next decade. Translation: your fast food will likely be about half as fast.

‘Oppenheimer‘ was finally released in Japan – the only country to experience a nuclear strike. Afterward, many viewers said the experience left them bitter and sad, but that they’ll still see the Japan-produced sequel, Oppenheimer vs Godzilla.

Comedian Daniel Tosh shared an unsubstantiated rumor that Kylie Jenner is pregnant with Timothee Chalamet’s baby. Chalamet has reportedly been Dune her for months.

Actor Bill Murray hired a private investigator to find his cell phone after leaving it in an Uber. Murray successfully found the phone and determined he’d received zero acting offers.

LSU’s Angel Reese and Iowa’s Caitlin Clark – who’d sparred in Iowa’s 2023 national championship loss – exchanged a hug and whispers after Iowa won last night’s rematch. Clark said she told Reese to continue being great, and Reese told Clark to maybe think about makeup once in a while.

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A man was stoned to death by monkeys in India. The man’s family was upset, but said he probably shouldn’t have been stealing bananas.

Conjoined twin Abby Hensel of TLC reality show Abby & Brittany revealed she’s been married to a man since 2021. The news remained private for three years because Brittany was furious at not being Maid of Honor.

Frequent fliers shared their tips on the best seats to book. The consensus favorite is a window seat over the wings for uninterrupted rest and mitigating the feel of turbulence. The second favorite is any seat not on a Spirit-or-Frontier-owned Boeing.

A cholesterol-lowering supplement containing red mold sold in Japan killed two people and sickened 100 others. Their cholesterol may not be lower but they all lost weight.

Authorities revealed what they seized in raids of Diddy’s homes – including firearms and computers. Unfortunately they didn’t find any new hit songs.

Investigators are examining flight logs for Diddy’s private jets as part of their sex-trafficking investigation. They aren’t saying what destinations they’ve found so far, only that one of them rhymes with Schlepsteens Smilind.

Workers at video game giant Sega of America agreed to unionize. High scores will be tougher to come by since Sonic The Hedgehog now gets two 10-minute breaks every hour.

The City of Philadelphia is cracking down on people who illegally park their cars on sidewalks and in front of curb ramps. The Parking Authority is hiring 30 new officers to issue tickets and pull pedestrians out from under cars.

Independent Robert F. Kennedy Jr. picked Nicole Shanahan as his vice presidential running mate. Shanahan is a little-known Silicon Valley attorney and entrepreneur, who will be even littler-known in mid-November.

A new report created in the wake of child actor abuse documentary ‘Quiet On Set’ claims Nickelodeon network hired or employed 5 abusers and pedophiles. The report’s authors say their work won’t be complete until they finish interviews with all of the Rugrats.

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In a divorce lawyer’s viral video, she lists the six most common professions of people who cheat on their spouse or significant other. They are: NBA point guard; NBA shooting guard; NBA small forward; NBA power forward; NBA center; & NBA coach.

Gen Z men & women are reportedly ditching dating apps in favor of trying to meet someone in person. Although many admit sharing nude pics as an icebreaker is a lot more risky that way.

Alaska Airlines passengers aboard the flight where a door plug blew off in midair were contacted by the FBI to say they may be “victims of a crime”. The FBI also sent letters to Spirit Airlines passengers saying they’re “victims of their own poor judgment.”

A new study finds venting anger verbally or physically is not as effective at inducing calm as yoga or meditation. However, the most calm person in the study was the woman who yelled at & punched someone after her yoga class.

Donald Trump appeared at a pretrial hearing in a case involving hush money payment to porn star Stormy Daniels. He said he’d be willing to plead guilty if someone would buy a sex tape of him & Stormy Daniels for $454 Million.

Kim Kardashian and NFL star Odell Beckham Jr reportedly split up after six months because she wanted to have a child with him. Beckham did not, but still said Kardashian was a talented wide receiver.

Chick-fil-A announced they’re changing their ‘No Antibiotics Ever’ policy for chickens to ‘No Antibiotics Important To Human Medicine’. Using only antibiotic-free chicken is limiting their supply, so they’re allowing poultry farmers to sell them chickens whose flu and gonorhhea have been successfully treated.

Utah’s Payson High School, location for 1984 film ‘Footloose‘, is having their final prom there because the school is relocating to a new building. 65-year-old star Kevin Bacon announced he’s accepted an invitation to attend – but his wife Kyra Sedgwick isn’t thrilled that he’s going with Payson High’s cheerleading captain.

Los Angeles Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani will publicly address a multi-million dollar gambling scandal that led to the firing of his Japanese language interpreter. At the very least, Americans are excited to learn how to say “double or nothing” in Japanese.

Philadelphia native Kevin Hart received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Like previous selection Adam Sandler, the committee was willing to overlook a lot of movies.

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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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A transgender Michigan woman lost a court case when a judge ruled she could not sue her ex-boyfriend for humiliation she suffered when he discarded her removed testicles. Ironically, the judge said she had a lot of balls for even trying.

A new Gallup poll finds married people report being much happier in life. Although some experts say the poll is biased because single people were too busy having sex and doing cool stuff without kids to finish it.

Oakland, California businesses are closing or moving at an unprecedented rate because of violent crime. It’s so bad, Major League Baseball’s Oakland Athletics are moving to Las Vegas because they can’t play home games on account of all the stolen bases.

Joe Biden criticized a special counsel report on his mishandling of classified documents, calling him an elderly man with a bad memory. Biden says his memory is fine, and if you don’t believe him, ask that black guy he worked with for a few years, O’whatshisname.

Grammarly is laying off 230 employees, starting with the guy who emailed his co-worker “I think their laying me of”.

Taylor Swift tripped on stairs and nearly fell onstage during her Tokyo concert. Fans are eager to hear The Tortured Poets Department special bonus track “Cheap-Ass Japanese Steps”.

A Centers For Disease Control report claims teens are increasingly using drugs and alcohol for stress relief. Teens used to stress out about getting drugs and alcohol, but thankfully there’s DoorDash.

Culture & entertainment website Vulture ranked all 122 Billy Joel songs. They were going to rank all 121, but Joel released ‘Turn The Lights Back On’ last week that landed at #122.

The film ‘Miller’s Girl’ – about a male high school English teacher’s affair with a female student – is drawing attention to a sex scene between 52 year old actor Martin Freeman and 21-year-old actress Jenna Ortega. While many have called it “gross” and “inappropriate”, many high school teachers called it “accurate”.

A 20-year-old female prison guard was arrested after having sex with an inmate at the men’s jail. The man said at first he thought she was a lawyer after offering to help him get off.

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The NBA indefinitely suspended Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green for hitting an opponent in the face. During his free time, the NHL is teaching Green how to skate.

Amazon ended a ‘thank you’ program – where drivers received a $5 tip if customers told Alexa to ‘thank their driver’ – after two days. They ended the program to thank the warehouse worker who packed the order with a $5 tip after two seconds.

Burger chain In N Out opened their first location in Idaho and the wait at the drive-thru was 8 hours long. Gruhhub customers were told if they ordered now, they could still get their food in time for Christmas.

The Las Vegas Raiders routed the Los Angeles Chargers 63-21 on Thursday night. But the big winner is the realtor that gets to sell Chargers head coach Brandon Staley’s house.

Shohei Ohtani made his first appearance in a Los Angeles Dodgers uniform after signing a record $700 million contract. He plans to live modestly, and send money home so his family in Japan can finally have a shelter to protect them from attacks by Godzilla.

Sharon Osbourne said getting plastic surgery on her face was “the worst thing she ever did” – apparently forgetting about The Osbourne Family Christmas Special.

Pennsylvania joined several other states in making ‘porch pirating’ a felony. Several convicted thieves now face multi-year sentences for unknowingly stealing discreet shipments of adult diapers.

Barbara Furlow-Smiles, a former Facebook diversity & inclusion executive, pled guilty to stealing $4 million from the company. She’s free on bond, and may be a flight risk because she responded ‘Interested’ instead of ‘Going’ to her March sentencing.

Posh Spice Victoria Beckham told Allure magazine that she was bullied and told she can’t sing. “Kids can be horrible” she said, adding “they can also be right”.

Oprah Winfrey said that people making jokes about her weight was a ‘public sport’. In other news, the guy who authored the joke about her being detained at the airport for smuggling 50 pounds of crack was inducted to the Public Sport Hall Of Fame.

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In a viral Tik Tok video, a popular fitness influencer admitted she doesn’t wash her vibrator after every use. She assumed it just shook off the bacteria.

Tyson Foods recalled over 30,000 pounds of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets because they allegedly contain metal. Although some parents were happy the brontosaurus their kid ate gave them plenty of iron.

Senior centers in Japan are getting Nintendo Switch consoles so residents can spend time playing video games – leading to a wave of seppuku over the dishonor of finishing last in Mario Kart.

Donald Trump is expected to appear and testify in his $250 million fraud trial – the first defendant ever to take the witness stand with the help of a teleprompter.

Guests at Disney World are reportedly letting children poop on the ground while waiting in long lines for popular rides like Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance, because they’re overwhelmed by the power of the force.

Khloe Kardashian is accused of a ‘Photoshop fail’ in a birthday photo tribute post to her mom, Kris Jenner – she forgot to edit out her brother Rob.

A Florida child called 911 because he wanted a hug. The responding officer hugged him, but shot him first just to be safe.

James Winburn, stunt double for Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween‘ film, died at age 85. Although when the coroner arrived, his body was missing. [Ed.: This story is from 2022 but I just saw it.]

The Simpsons producers say they’ll no longer show Homer choking Bart. If you want to watch poor parenting for entertainment purposes, they advise watching The Kardashians.

New Jersey political boss George Norcross was kicked out of a suite at Sunday’s Philadelphia Eagles game for hanging a pro-Israel flag, and refusing to remove it, or write Fly Eagles Fly or Go Birds on it.