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Ghislaine Maxwell, longtime associate of Jeffrey Epstein, was arrested in New Hampshire. Officials said she would have been brought in sooner, but nobody knew how to pronounce her name when reading her rights.

New York State will prohibit fans from attending or tailgating at pro sports venues during the pandemic. Buffalo Bills fans will have no choice but to jump off armoires and break their dining room tables at home.

Young people in Alabama are throwing ‘COVID-19 Parties’ – where people with coronavirus attend and the first person to get infected receives a payout. Party organizers claim it’s cheaper than organizing a separate baby shower.

Lifeguards in Orange County, California rescued a bride in her wedding gown after she and the groom were swept into the ocean posing for wedding photos. On the bright side, a 30-year-old single female shark caught her bouquet.

Police in Italy seized $1 billion worth of amphetamines they claim was manufactured by terror group ISIS. ISIS admitted diversifying into drugmaking because there just isn’t a lot of money to be made in blowing shit up.

A Colorado “throuple” is expecting a baby. Lo Taylor is pregnant with her husband Mike’s child, but wants girlfriend/partner Jess Woodstock “to help breastfeed”. Lo & Jess plan to get small breast tattoos so the baby will know which flavor they’re choosing.

Columbus, Ohio took down a statue of Christopher Columbus – the city’s namesake. 75,000 people want the statue replaced with an image of a black transgender activist, but the local hockey team doesn’t want to call itself the Marsha P Johnson Blue Jackets.

Formula 1 racing billionaire Bernie Ecclestone became a father at age 89, when his 44-year-old wife delivered a son. Ecclestone thanked his race team for attaching a 650-horsepower engine to one of his sperm.

The Lake Travis, Texas health department is urging its residents not to attend this weekend’s Vanilla Ice concert amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases. They added if you must go, wear a mask to keep people from identifying you at a Vanilla Ice concert.

As part of settlement conditions in a paternity lawsuit, rapper Offset is demanding his baby mama, Nicole Marie Algarin, give their child Kalea Marie Algarin his last name. The child would be renamed Kalea Marie Set.

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Jeffrey Epstein lawyer Alan Dershowitz challenged Epstein accuser Virginia Roberts to say on camera she was forced to have sex with Dershowitz on multiple occasions, so she did it for a Netflix documentary.  “I object!” yelled 81-year-old Dershowitz at his tv.

In Minneapolis, protestors set fire to a police station as protests against the death of George Floyd continuted for a third day. Cops tried stopping the fire by kneeling on it, but were unsuccessful.

Twitter flagged another of Donald Trump tweets, this one for ‘glorifying violence’ while threatening Minneapolis protestors. Twitter also put the same flag on thousands of other tweets from men & women bragging about “blowing up” public restrooms. 

Anheuser-Busch is crowdsourcing ideas from creative people to market its new Social Club brand of hard seltzer. So far they’ve gotten a lot of pictures, videos and drawings of people emptying it into sinks. 

Tech companies Creston, Logitech & Zoom introduced a new home webcam system that lets you participate in Zoom calls on your tv from your couch – giving you a far more comfortable place to fall asleep during office Zoom calls.

Budget grocery chain Aldi said they’re expanding curbside pickup service, for people who don’t mind gathering their unbagged groceries dumped by the curb.

YouTube introduced video chapters, making it easier for your influencer wannabe friends to segment their longer videos that you’ll never watch.

An Australian zookeeper is in critical condition after being mauled by two lions. Other zoo animals condemned the lions’ failure to adhere to social distancing.

Researchers discovered the deepest octopus on record, 4.3 miles below the surface of the Indian Ocean. “What is ocean life, really?” asked the deep octopus.

A 51-year-old Bay Area California woman was arrested on hate crime charges after leaving notes on Asian-American homes telling residents to leave the country. She had no comment other than to express regret over handwriting the letters, because there are more Asians than she thought.

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A man in China spent $1.4 million on a character in an online video game. It’s believed to be the most money anyone’s ever spent on a plumber.

Nintendo opened its first retail store in Tokyo on Friday.  The wait to get in was up to four hours long – or, much less if you jumped into a pipe near the store.

The New York Post published photos of Jeffrey Epstein on his private Caribbean hideaway, dubbed “Pedophile Island” by locals. In an unrelated photo, Eric Trump is pictured wearing a “My Dad Went To Pedophile Island And All I Got Was This Lousy T Shirt” shirt.

Elon Musk explained the glass broke during his Cybertruck demo because hitting door panels with a sledgehammer weakened the glass before it was hit with metal balls. Musk plans a follow-up event where Tiger Woods ex-wife Elin Nordegren will hit the Cybertruck with a 3-iron to restore consumer trust.

In separate incidents, pork; romaine lettuce and Cheese Nips have all been recalled. So for now you can’t order the House Salad at Golden Corral.

Website Business Insider gave a negative review to Burger King’s BBQ Bacon Triple Whopper, saying it wasn’t worth the $11 price. A Burger King spokesman said the review is unfair since the burger wasn’t ordered or eaten at 3a.m.

The FDA granted a Breakthrough Therapy designation for psilocybin – the key psychoactive ingredient in magic mushrooms – to treat severe depression. It’s the first-ever prescription drug bundled with bootleg recordings of Grateful Dead concerts.

Disney’s ‘Frozen 2’ brought in $127 million at the weekend box office, topping all other films. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ continued to bomb despite changing its name to Charlie’s Frozen Angels and renaming two angels Elsa and Anna.

150 pounds of Mexican bologna was seized by U.S. Customs agents in El Paso. Customs said the meat has the potential to introduce foreign animal diseases to the U.S. pork industry, and also the labels list the first ingredient as heroin.

A 63-year-old German man died from a rare infection he contracted after being licked by his dog. Later, at a nearby dog park, the infected dog walked up to several bitches and told them they should get tested.

 

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Old Navy announced plans to nearly double the number of their stores to over 2,000. They’ll even expand into Syria, where they’ll be known as Old Taliban.

Country singer Kacey Musgraves said doing psychedelic drugs like LSD “brought me closer to the planet and humanity” – specifically, she passed out on the grass and was revived by an EMT.

Tim Tebow was summoned to testify in the trial of an athletic trainer accused of injecting clients with illegal performance-enhancing drugs without their knowledge. Tebow refused comment according to his attorney, Jesus.

The manager of a Taco Bell in Louisville kicked out a group comprised of a woman and 20 homeless people she took there for dinner.  Taco Bell said the store manager will be retrained, and reminded that 75% of Taco Bell revenue comes from the homeless.

A transatlantic flight from Frankfurt to Cancun had to make an unscheduled landing in Ireland because the pilot spilled coffee on the instrument panel. The cockpit was repaired and the pilot appreciated the extra time to sober up.

Harvard University said it’s reviewing $9 million in donations between 1998 and 2007 from the late Jeffrey Epstein. Harvard said they refused donations following his 2008 conviction, but do welcome and encourage financial gifts from other alumni pedophiles.

A new study suggests an elevator to the moon could be built for about $1 billion using existing technology – but would require a LOT of illegal immigrants to work construction.

  • Some critics question whether travelers would really use an elevator to the moon, considering how long they’d have to hold in farts.

Northwestern University psychologist Alexandra Solomon published a list of seven phrases couples can use to deepen their connection, including “tell me more” and “how do you want to feel?”. Just missing the list at #8 was “skip the condom”.

Kim Kardashian said before being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pain and numbness in her hands were so severe, she couldn’t lift her children to hand them off to nannies for days at a time.

Google Photos now lets U.S. customers order same-day prints, for old-fashioned types who like to send their dick pics in the mail.

 

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A new study analyzed over 22,000 porn sites, finding over 93% were sharing user data with at least one third-party tracker. Researchers had a difficult time explaining to their wives why they had 22,000 porn sites in their browser history.

Bugatti announced a limited edition high performance supercar, the Centodieci, that costs $9 million. They’ll only produce ten of them – five to sell, and five to replace those when their owners crash them into trees.

Former UFC fighter Igor Zinoviev said he believes, based on medical findings, that Jeffrey Epstein had assistance killing himself. Zinoviev shared this opinion on his new show ‘UFCSI’.

Whitney Port of “The Hills” said she regrets turning down a one-night stand with Leonardo Dicaprio ten years ago. She wishes that instead of being the woman from The Hills that everyone forgot about, she was the woman Leonardo Caprio banged that everyone forgot about.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr and his family survived a fiery private plane crash at a Tennessee airport. The plane skidded off the runway, and Earnhardt had to tell the crew on scene to put out the fire instead of changing the plane’s tires and refueling it.

Donald Trump reportedly wants to buy Greenland. Greenland replied it’s perfectly capable of going bankrupt all by itself.

The Little League World Series is underway. Players representing teams from around the world come to Williamsport, Pennsylvania with one thought in common: wondering why in the hell they couldn’t have the Little League World Series someplace fun.

Following a 19-5 blowout loss to the Indians, New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone spoke in favor of a “surrender” rule to end lopsided games early. Ron Gardenhire, manager of the 37-82 Detroit Tigers, favors surrendering the remainder of the season.

The Indianapolis grave of John Dillinger may be exhumed to prove that it’s really him. Extra police are being brought in to prevent an escape.

Cava, the fast-growing Mediterranean-style restaurant chain, opened its first innovation kitchen in Washington, D.C. Cava is being called the Chipotle of Mediterranean food, and its innovation kitchen is trying to match Chipotle by developing its own strain of E. coli.

 

 

 

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A raccoon got stuck in a snack vending machine at Pine Ridge High School in Volusia County, Florida. Workers were able to free the raccoon, who then returned to its class teaching home economics to Florida teens.

A woman in Quebec survived a 5,000 foot freefall when her parachute failed to open. She suffered multiple non-life-threatening injuries, and vowed to keep trying to catch the Road Runner.

New Jersey’s Right-to-Die Law, providing life-ending medication for the terminally ill, was placed on hold. Everyone else dying to get out of New Jersey can go right ahead.

The mayor of El Paso, Texas claimed President Trump called him “RINO” – Republican in Name Only – when he corrected Trump during a visit to the city following a mass shooting. Unfortunately, PINO – President in Name Only – isn’t very catchy.

Asteroid 1990 MU – over 3 miles wide – could strike Earth in 2027. It’s as large as the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs. Nevertheless, The Who will continue to tour in 2027.

Nora Kenney, daughter of Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney, was arrested for a late-night brawl outside a bar in Wildwood at the Jersey Shore. She was last seen jogging through the streets of South Philadelphia, trailed by children singing ‘Gonna Fly Now’.

Jeffrey Epstein and a young woman – possibly a lawyer – were reportedly left alone for hours in an attorney/client meeting room at a Manhattan prison. Epstein’s other attorneys are calling the meeting “one for the road”.

Google introduced reminders that can be left for family members and other contacts, such as “Tell George to take out the trash”; “Tell Mary to get groceries”; or “Tell George I don’t love him anymore”.

Scientists believe they’ve discovered a heretofore unknown sensory organ inside of the human skin. Dubbed the nociceptive glio-neural complex, it’s the nerve bundle that makes your skin crawl whenever you see Donald hold Melania’s hand.

Chipotle announced they’re giving an extra week’s pay to more than 2,600 employees at 135 restaurants as part of it’s “crew bonus” program. The bonuses are accompanied by a card reading “sorry about the E. coli”.

 

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Uber laid off 400 people on its marketing team – and added 400 people to its driving team.

A recent exposé in The Guardian claims Apple’s ‘Siri’ assistant routinely records people having sex. “Trust me, it’s not as cool as you think” said Siri.

North America will experience its second New Moon of the month on July 31st, also known as a Black Moon. President Trump called the Black Moon a dust-infested dump that should go back where it came from.

Professional eating champion Joey Chestnut spent National Chicken Wing Day in a Hooters restaurant, where he ate 413 wings in 12 hours. Afterward, he had trouble fitting into his shiny orange shorts.

Founder Elon Musk said that Tesla electric vehicles will soon add video streaming from Netflix and YouTube – so drivers can stay entertained while they engage autopilot and the car drives itself into the back of a tractor-trailer.

Julie K. Brown, a Miami Herald reporter whose articles about Jeffrey Epstein led to sex trafficking charges, sold a book that she wrote about him. Epstein did not participate, even though Brown offered to make it a pop-up book.

A passenger on Middle East Airlines gave birth to a baby girl in the plane’s restroom during a flight from Qatar to Lebanon. The unhappiest passengers on the flight were the one who sat next to the crying newborn, and whoever was next in line for the restroom.

Artists installed seesaws that span the U.S./Mexico border so that kids on either side can play together. However, Border Patrol agents are worried that Mexicans will use the seesaws to catapult themselves over the wall into U.S. territory.

44 people in China were injured at a water park when a “tsunami pool” generated a larger-than-expected wave. Officials cited an electrical system malfunction, after a thorough search turned up no signs of Godzilla.

A new study claims that by not eating the core and seeds of apples, people are missing out on most of its healthy gut bacteria. The study looked at the abundance of healthy bacteria in people who choked to death eating apple cores.

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Police in Ontario, Canada pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was using a 30-can case of beer as a booster seat for his 2-year-old child riding on the passenger side. A proper child seat was given to the man, along with a sippy cup for the beer.

A Philadelphia man stopped his robbery of a 1 Stop Smoke Shop because the $200 the manager gave him wasn’t enough money for his daughter’s kidney transplant. Cops are searching for the man, and a GoFundMe was started to give him Uber rides to stores with more cash to steal.

U.S. Labor Secretary Alex Acossta resigned following criticism of the Florida plea-deal he’d made to billionaire child sex predator Jeffrey Epstein. Acosta’s plans are not known, but it’s assumed he’ll return to practicing law, poorly.

Droughts in Europe are creating a shortage of truffles – and a surplus of bored pigs trained to sniff them out.

A 140-foot superyacht that can be controlled with an iPad is up for sale for $15,000,400. It’s $15 million for the yacht, and $400 to replace the iPad the seller dropped overboard.

Denise Nickerson, who, as a child, portrayed Violet Beauregarde in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ died at age 62. Her family removed her from life support following extended stroke complications, then she kicked the Charlie Bucket.

R&B singer R. Kelly was formally charged with racketeering and the sexual exploitation of at least five women. Kelly’s team dispatched a private plane to Washington, D.C. to convince unemployed former Labor Secretary Alex Acosta to lead the prosecution.

CNN will host a live lottery to determine which Democratic presidential candidates appear on stage together in debates airing July 30 & 31. Joe Biden’s team is working on a blockbuster deal to swap picks so he doesn’t have to see Kamala Harris.

Hasbro will not film a sequel to the 2017 ‘Power Rangers’ movie, and will reboot the franchise again. They’re seeking new actors of color to portray different-colored heroes.

Samuel L. Jackson has been cast in Chris Rock’s reboot of the ‘Saw’ franchise, rumored to be portaying ‘Motherf*ckin Jigsaw’.

 

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U.S. Attorneys discovered photos and images on discs, believed to be of underage girls, at the home of billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. They thanked an elite tactical team of junior high boys enlisted for the search, highly skilled in finding porn hidden in anyone’s house.

For just the second time, a woman has given birth after receiving a uterus transplanted from a deceased donor. The donor remains anonymous, but was described as “almost frigid”.

Mini Cooper debuted its first fully electric vehicle. It can travel up to 180 miles carrying four environmentally-conscious lesbians.

A 13-year-old Canadian scientist has proven that decibel levels of restroom hand dryers are harmful to children’s hearing – as are the general decibel levels following Taco Tuesday in the school cafeteria.

Facebook published its 2019 diversity report, saying that it’s looking to expand the number of women and minority employees from current levels, to “some”.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York on Thursday, which started “when we’re ready, OKAY?!” said the women.

Golfer John Daly was refused the use of a riding golf cart by the Open Championship in Ireland. Daly dropped out of the tournament and started looking for an Irish Hooters parking lot where he could sign autographs.

Twitter announced new rules banning hate speech based on religion, as part of its commitment to a culture of trust, safety and respect which will never exist.

Disney is recalling its Toy Story 4 “Forky” plush toy because its plastic eyes could detach and cause a choking hazard. They advise taking the toy from children, then watching as the rest of your child’s toys risk their lives trying to get it back.

Shadow Cabaret strip club will host a charity golf tournament at Trump Doral in Florida featuring strippers as ‘caddy girls’ – raising questions about why the Trump organization would host the event, and bigger questions about why the President isn’t playing in it.