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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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Country singer Kacey Musgraves collaborated on a $56 candle with company Boy Smells…since Gwyneth Paltrow already had the candle market for Girl Smells cornered.

Singapore reportedly paid Taylor Swift millions to be the only nation in Southeast Asia hosting her Eras Tour. Nonetheless, North Koreans called watching Kim Jong Un in a blonde wig lip-syncing to three hours of her songs ‘the greatest concert ever’.

Kanye West was told he couldn’t perform shows in Europe, Australia & Asia because of his ‘controversial image’. There’s that, and those countries’ shortage of blacks.

Good news: a new study finds taking daily fiber supplements improves brain function in adults 60 & older in a matter of weeks. Bad news: the seniors now do all their best thinking while on the toilet.

Donald Trump supporters are allegedly creating AI deepfake pictures of him with black people to convince them to vote for him. They say it’s working, but others don’t believe that’s really him playing in the NBA All-Star Game.

A man died of Vitamin D toxicity, according to an autopsy showing he had lethal levels of milk & sunshine.

Spirit Airlines & JetBlue cancelled their merger plans .. and about 100 flights each just to show they were back to business as usual.

A 42-year-old resident of Wales broke a world record with 69 different tattoos of rabbits on his body. He started in 2009 with two, and they’ve rapidly multiplied in the years since.

Three American Bald Eagle eggs are set to hatch in Southern California, with livestream cameras set up to capture the unique event. Although bird watchers are furious that they have to subscribe to the mother bird’s OnlyFans to see it.

The NFL is considering moving touchbacks to the 35 yard line of the receiving team, in order to encourage more kick returns to keep the ambulance drivers and concussion specialists busy.

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A judge blocked the proposed merger of Spirit and Jet Blue airlines, saying it could harm consumers. Lawyers for Spirit argued the merger couldn’t possibly harm consumers more than flying Spirit Airlines.

Costco is testing a new system requiring members to scan their membership card to enter – and requiring them to scan $200 worth of bulk-packaged crap to exit.

Google is upgrading Google Maps so the app will work in underground tunnels. This is great news if you’re a driver who’s somehow worried about getting lost while driving in a tunnel

According to a new survey, longtime Tinder users say the app has been bad for their mental health, despite their genitals never being happier.

A 10-year-old boy was attacked at a Bahamas resort during a “swim with the sharks”. Not only did he get to swim with the sharks, he also got a free helicopter ride.

The state of Virginia is warning of measles exposure from a traveler who passed through Dulles Airport on January 3rd and Reagan Airport on January 4th. The measles achieved Platinum status on United.

SpaceX is holding a charity auction, with bidding starting at $15,000 to send an item to the International Space Station for a month. So far, the high bidder is Melania Trump, who won’t say who or what she’s sending.

Tim Hortons Donut shops in Buffalo are accused of making employees violate a travel ban during a blizzard to come to work. Shop owners said they did it because police were still working.

Imprisoned singer R. Kelly said he wasn’t aware he lost a $10.5 million judgement from women who claimed he victimized them, and that his illiteracy keeps him from understanding legal proceedings. As an example, Kelly claims he just learned his middle name is P.

Royal Caribbean took possession of the world’s largest cruise ship, the Icon Of The Seas. It has 20 decks, weighs 258,000 tons, and can accommodate 1,000 people vomiting at the same time.

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Washington D.C. police investigated a possible explosive device in a pickup truck near the Library of Congress. Police were called after librarians repeatedly tried and failed to shush the truck.

More than 50 U.S. Senators called on President Biden to expedite the exit of U.S. citizens and allies from Afghanistan. Asked if they’d like to go there and help, they replied, “nah, we’re good”.

California’s Caldor wildfire became the largest U.S. wildfire named after a defunct discount department store.

Alex Rodriguez posed with the Porsche he gifted to ex-fiancee Jennifer Lopez on her 50th birthday. Rodriguez reportedly removed the ‘J-Lo’ license plates and seat covers, and Ben Affleck’s condoms from the glove box.

Facebook introduced Horizon Workrooms, a virtual reality meeting app using Oculus Quest VR headsets, where coworkers can create avatars, use virtual whiteboards, and safely picture each other naked.

MS Paint received its first update in over a decade, as Microsoft attempts to appeal to a new generation of users seeking to draw penises and breasts on internet photos.

A JetBlue passenger was fined $45,000 for throwing his carry on at passengers, lying in the aisle, and putting his head up the skirt of a flight attendant – who he’s now dating.

Retired NFL QB Brett Favre is telling parents to hold their kids out of full-contact tackle football until they’re 14, to avoid brain damage while they’re still developing. Favre wants to ensure kid’s brains function well enough to remember which women they sent dick pics to.

The Green Bay Packers showed off a new alternate uniform, inspired by the look the team sported in the 1950s, and further inspired by the desire to make money.

Astronomers discovered a previously undetected feature of the Milky Way galaxy – a rest area featuring a Roy Rogers.

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Disney will donate $1 million from the sale of character-themed facemasks during the pandemic, and will keep the other $100 million.

North American bee populations are threatened by Asian Giant ‘Murder’ Hornets that invade hives and decapitate bees – not to be confused with hornets that decapitate bees by accident, known as Manslaughter Hornets.

United, JetBlue & Delta will require all passengers to wear masks, but will remove people who try prying theirs out of the compartment over their seat.

Former LPGA golfer Paige Spiranac says her 34DD breasts are real, and that they help her golf game by keeping her arms in touch with her body during her swing. Male golfers seeking to improve their game are inquiring about implants.

‘Clueless’ actress Stacey Dash, who recently announced she’ll divorce her fourth husband, is selling videos for $50 on Cameo. For $60, you can get engaged to her.

Mark Cuban said if he had to start a ‘side hustle’ to make extra money, he’d code commands for digital assistants like Alexa, Siri & Google. Then he remembered he has several billion reasons not to.

Experts say the checkout area is the most dangerous place in grocery stores during the coronavirus pandemic – ending the 70-year reign at the top for the public restrooms.

Tiger Woods said running over 30 miles a week when he was younger “pretty much destroyed” his body. Porn stars and bar hostesses say their younger bodies were pretty much destroyed by Tiger Woods.

Pennsylvania is no longer the top-producing state for craft beer, ceding the honor to California. However, thanks to Coors Light, Colorado remains the top-producing state for crap beer.

A mom shares video where she tells her kids she’s buying them drinks at a Starbucks drive-thru, but orders them water and mixes it with Kool-Aid. It worked once, but the kids knew they were being tricked when their names weren’t misspelled on the cup.

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McDonald’s is offering free meals to healthcare workers and first responders, so they can switch things up and have someone take care of them when they become ill.

The U.S. Navy declassified three UFO videos taken by Navy pilots. The UFOs are planning a multi-city flyover to honor the brave extraterrestrials living among us. 

To prove that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un is alive, North Korean media published a letter he allegedly sent to South Africa’s President Cyril Ramaphosa dated April 27th. However, in the letter Kim asked Ramaphosa what he wants for Christmas. 

Felicity Huffman’s daughter Sophia was accepted to college based on her own SAT scores. Welcome Sophia Huffman to Strayer University’s Class of 2029. 

Comcast and Verizon have extended their pledge not to disconnect past-due customers through June 30th. Actually, it’ll be a lot longer since they’ll need your phone and internet connected to hound you to pay your bill. 

Camera drone maker DJI upped the specs on its new Mavic Air 2 model to 34 minutes of flight time and 48-megapixel photos – now creeps can hover it outside the bathroom windows of women who take really long showers. 

An ozone hole that formed over the Arctic this spring and grew into the largest ever, has now closed. Although next week it will reopen for curbside ozone pickup only. 

Starting May 1st, portions of Yokohama, Japan’s Unko Museum – dedicated entirely to poop – will be available for virtual tours. If you don’t want to wait until then, you can fill your computer screen with poop by streaming The Ingraham Angle.

The cast of ‘Melrose Place’ is reuniting for an episode of YouTube’s “Stars In The House”, to raise money for out-of-work actors, like most of the cast of ‘Melrose Place’. 

JetBlue announced passengers will be required to wear face masks on flights. Spirit Airlines also made a policy change, announcing passengers will be required to wear pants. 

 

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OpenAI -a non-profit artificial intelligence company – has created a text generator that’s so good, they consider it too dangerous to release. They tested by having 50 women ask if they looked good in a dress; it was able to give 50 different versions of ‘no’ that still left the women happy.

Bill Gates says that bovine flatulence – cow farts – are a dangerous contributor to climate change. The problem is not only with the methane gas, but with the millions of matches lit by cows to cover it up.

Hundreds of people traveling via British airline Flybmi are stranded after it suddenly went out of business. Flybmi still holds a comfortable lead over Frontier and Spirit in customer satisfaction.

Trump’s nominee for Ambassador to the United Nations – former ‘Fox & Friends’ host & State Department spokesperson Heather Nauert – withdrew from consideration. She allegedly hired an undocumented nanny who failed to file tax returns. Nauert said she will build a wall around her yard to keep it from happening again.

Valerie Gonzalez, 32, was escorted off of a JetBlue flight from Florida to Las Vegas after a profane tirade about being seated next to a three-year-old following a day of drinking. FAA investigators are questioning JetBlue about how she got in the cockpit.

Radar Online reports Khloe Kardashian and baby daddy Tristan Thompson split, 10 months after video emerged of Thompson with other women. The split comes five months in to the NBA season, which translates to about 50 more hookups for Thompson.

The U.S. Copyright Office rejected Alfonso Ribeiro’s attempt to register his Carlton Dance from  ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. They now take on their most challenging case ever, the copyright request for the Pop & Lock by the estate of dead ‘What’s Happening’ actor Fred ‘Rerun’ Berry.

Payless is closing all 2,100 U.S. stores – so expect your cheap-ass Mom to load up on sneakers your friends will make fun of.

Former New York congressman Anthony Weiner was released from federal prison and must register as a sex offender. Weiner must live in a halfway house or home confinement, while his sexting and Tinder hookups are supervised by government employees.

NASCAR’s Daytona 500 took place Sunday, marking the beginning of Redneck New Year.