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Florida passed a law barring children aged 16 & under from using social media. It’s estimated the law will cost the state over a billion dollars in tourism revenue from pedophiles.

Paramount’s CEO said layoffs are coming . He’s calling the plan Paramount Minus.

Dietitians listed four changes people can make for a healthier brain: eating more fiber, polyphenols, probiotics, and herbs & spices. Zombies are advised to look for brains from people who follow these guidelines.

A Kansas teen was stabbed with pliers hooked on his belt after he fell while shoveling snow. Doctors successfully removed the pliers with a wrench the teen let them borrow.

Khloe Kardashian’s baby daddy Tristan Thompson was suspended from the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers for violating the league’s drug policy. He’ll miss 25 games and, more importantly, all the groupies at the team hotel.

A Ukrainian-born model won the Miss Japan Pageant. Paageant officials are considering changing it to the Miss Made In Japan Pageant.

The NFL’s Atlanta Falcons picked Raheem Morris as their new head coach, despite interviewing Bill Belichick twice. Belichick’s agents are now pursuing a job on an NFL pregame show where he gets paid to not give his opinion about anything.

Taylor Swift is furious that AI-generated deepfake porn images are circulating with her likeness. She’s considering legal action, or creating her own Deepfake Porn (Taylor’s Version).

99-year-old competitive swimmer Betty Brussel broke multiple world records in the 100-plus age class, including the 400-meter freestyle, where she shattered the old record of “rescued from drowning after 375 meters”.

Hugh Hefner’s widow Crystal Hefner claims in her new memoir that he was bad in bed. And even worse in hospital bed.

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In a viral Tik Tok video, a popular fitness influencer admitted she doesn’t wash her vibrator after every use. She assumed it just shook off the bacteria.

Tyson Foods recalled over 30,000 pounds of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets because they allegedly contain metal. Although some parents were happy the brontosaurus their kid ate gave them plenty of iron.

Senior centers in Japan are getting Nintendo Switch consoles so residents can spend time playing video games – leading to a wave of seppuku over the dishonor of finishing last in Mario Kart.

Donald Trump is expected to appear and testify in his $250 million fraud trial – the first defendant ever to take the witness stand with the help of a teleprompter.

Guests at Disney World are reportedly letting children poop on the ground while waiting in long lines for popular rides like Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance, because they’re overwhelmed by the power of the force.

Khloe Kardashian is accused of a ‘Photoshop fail’ in a birthday photo tribute post to her mom, Kris Jenner – she forgot to edit out her brother Rob.

A Florida child called 911 because he wanted a hug. The responding officer hugged him, but shot him first just to be safe.

James Winburn, stunt double for Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween‘ film, died at age 85. Although when the coroner arrived, his body was missing. [Ed.: This story is from 2022 but I just saw it.]

The Simpsons producers say they’ll no longer show Homer choking Bart. If you want to watch poor parenting for entertainment purposes, they advise watching The Kardashians.

New Jersey political boss George Norcross was kicked out of a suite at Sunday’s Philadelphia Eagles game for hanging a pro-Israel flag, and refusing to remove it, or write Fly Eagles Fly or Go Birds on it.

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Khloe Kardashian said she’s “not attracted” to ex Tristan Thompson, but didn’t rule out reconciling with him, because after all he’s the father of her kids, and a rich guy who’s still in the NBA.

Starbucks debuted their Holiday Cups. Then stood back and watched as customers with the Hanukkah and Eid al-Fitr cups fought each other ruthlessly.

Matthew McConaughey debuted Pantalones Tequila. He’s looking forward to doing weird-ass commercials for one of his own products for a change.

Responding to a rumor, former host of The Bachelorette, Chris Harrison, told former Dancing With The Stars pro Cheryl Burke he never blocked her from being The Bachelorette by calling her “a sloppy drunk”. He said he blocked her because she was over 30.

Apple just released iOS17.1, MacOS14.1 and WatchOS10.1 – forcing millions of remote workers to take the day off for Downloading.

A 29-year-old man was found dead inside a Norfolk, Virginia apartment building chimney after authorities were called to investigate a foul odor. Children in the apartments are just relieved he was removed before Christmas Eve.

Workers for SEPTA, Philadelphia’s public transit system, may go on strike, halting bus and trolley service. City officials are issuing guidance to residents for alternatives where they can masturbate and use drugs.

The NHL Ottawa Senators announced center Shane Pinto is suspended 41 games for violating the league’s gambling rules. Draft Kings, Fanduel, Caesars & other announced they’re now down to about 6 people who actively bet on hockey.

Britney Spears said in her memoir that Justin Timberlake used a “blaccent” when they met hip-hop artist Ginuwine – calling Timberlake disinginuwous.

An escort hired for $2,,500 from website Seeking Arrangements is accused of leaving a U2 concert in Las Vegas she attended with her ‘sugar daddy’ and stealing $50,000 from his hotel room safe. The daddy said he’s currently low on sugar.

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Khloe Kardashian shared a photo of her cheek indentation following a melanoma tumor removal. Her cheek is being filled using cosmetic procedures, and the occasional NBA basketball player.

A Florida Amazon delivery worker was bitten by a venomous snake, but survived. The snake later died after a FedEx delivery worker dropped a 75-pound box labeled ‘FRAGILE’ on it.

Officials cite Taylor Swift’s call-to-action on National Voter Registration Day for over 13,000 new voters registered every 30 minutes. They also cite her influence for a record number of 18-year-old women posting diss tracks on YouTube about their congressmen.

Southern Baptists lost half a million members in the past year – at least 10 of whom say it wasn’t because of sexual molestation or being browbeaten for donations.

Cassidy Hutchinson, former assistant to White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, said she was groped by Rudy Giuliani on January 6th, 2021. As evidence, she offered the streaks of black hair dye on the seat of the pants she wore that day.

Leaders of the Navajo Nation may repeal the Native American tribe’s ban on same-sex marriage – saying it wouldn’t be the first time the tribe has benefitted from a big gamble.

Once again, McDonald’s is being sued by a customer who claims they suffered severe burns from scalding hot coffee. McDonald’s announced they’ll no longer allow hot coffee beverage substitutions in Happy Meals.

A family claims Google Maps caused their father to drive off a collapsed bridge in North Carolina, falling to his death. Defending the app, a Google spokesperson said “hey, he’s the one who wanted to avoid toll roads.”

Pauline Newman, a 96-year-old federal court judge, has been barred from hearing cases after concerns were raised about her mental fitness – and about her physical fitness after dislocating her shoulder lifting the gavel.

Sami Sheen – daughter of Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards – said she’s addicted to nicotine, and surgeons are requiring her to quit vaping before performing her desired breast enlargement surgery. Sami doesn’t see why her damaged lungs should keep her from getting a new set.

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The Federal Government listed the ten prescription drugs subject to negotiated lower prices for seniors on Medicare. That deflated sigh you’re hearing is thousands of older men not seeing Cialis or Viagra on the list.

Farmers Insurance laid off 2,400 workers. “You’ve been laid-off…..bahhh-buh-bah-bah bah-bah-bop.” said their voice mail.

Burger King faces a lawsuit claiming they deceive customers by posting pictures of Whoppers that make them look bigger than they really are. Lawyers for Burger King plan to seat sympathetic jurors that post boob and crotch pics on Instagram.

Senior military officers in Gabon appeared on tv claiming they’ve seized control – as they try to explain to a wider audience that Gabon is a real country.

A judge rejected a lawsuit from a University of Wyoming sorority who sought to block a transgender woman from joining. The trans woman may be allowed to join, but so far she’s 0-for-33 asking fraternity brothers to the big Sadie Hawkins dance.

At the FIBA Basketball World Cup, Team USA scored a 110-62 victory over Jordan…who were not at all like Mike.

New viral video shows three men in Mississippi in a violent brawl, striking each other with a wooden plank and a shovel. Meanwhile, other Mississippians wonder where the three high-rollers got plank and shovel money.

A March, 1789 letter from George Washington – written in the weeks leading up to his being named first U.S. President – is expected to sell for 7 figures at auction. The letter is unique because of its timing, and for Washington writing “please send nudes”.

Khloe Kardashian’s daughter True started kindergarten, leading Khloe to post that she’s “not ok”, presumably because her daughter will have a higher education than she ever did.

A Russian police lieutenant was killed by a Ukrainian drone strike while mowing his lawn. His wife is extremely distraught, and having a difficult time finding a neighborhood kid to mow her lawn.

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A Pfizer plant in North Carolina was severely damaged by a tornado. Although it’s a Viagra plant so they expect it to be back up pretty fast.

Wildfires continue to burn in Athens. Water cannons are slowing it down, but they really need lots of baking soda to put out a Greece fire.

Saharan desert dust is blowing across the Atlantic Ocean in to Florida. Although the volume is nowhere near that of the Colombian dust that blows in by the ton every day.

Google is reportedly testing an artificial intelligence tool that writes news articles. It’s code-named “BuzzFeed”.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that she named her ‘camel toe’ Kamille The Camel. Kamille’s humps are reserved for NBA players.

Longtime ‘Happy Days‘ star Anson ‘Potsie’ Williams, 73, married real estate broker Sharon MaHarry at their shared home. “Sit on it!” said Williams as they consummated their love that night.

In-N-Out burger banned employees from wearing masks in five states – Arizona, Colorado, Nevada, Texas and Utah – saying it was to emphasize customer service. Diners in those states familiar with the chain’s “secret menu” can now order items “COVID style”.

The lone $1 billion winning Powerball ticket was sold at a Los Angeles area bodega. There will be one less struggling actor on the Screen Actors Guild picket line.

The National Association of Theatre Owners predict as many as 200,000 people will attend same-day showings of new movies ‘Barbie‘ and ‘Oppenheimer‘. They describe these unique individuals as “terribly, terribly .. lonely”.

A Burger King assistant manager was charged with felony food tampering for mixing fries from the trash can with freshly-cooked fries. She faces a sentence of up to to 20 years in prison, or 10 more years managing a Burger King.

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Harvard researchers say the phrase “How are you?” kills small talk. Although they admit it probably grew in popularity because it works so well getting people to stop talking.

Skeletal remains found in the receding Lake Mead near Las Vegas were identified as a man who disappeared 50 years ago. His death was ruled an accidental drowning while trying out his new concrete scuba gear.

New artificial intelligence-powered glasses project conversation suggestions on the lenses based on what another person just said. It can handle every phrase except “take off those stupid looking glasses”.

Anna Craming, 20, a tournament-caliber chess player who streams games online, said she frequently receives unwelcome remarks from men during matches. The men deny the allegations, saying they were just excited about taking the queen.

Tennis great Boris Becker was released from prison following an 8 1/2 month stint for fraud. He said he was almost killed when he attempted to befriend a fellow prisoner who he thought was a kindred spirit because he was in prison for racketeering.

Rapper Tory Lanez asked a judge to overturn his conviction for shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot, saying the jury was wrongly influenced by a photo of him holding a gun, and by the fact that he shot Megan Thee Stallion in the foot.

Khloe Kardashian answered a fan on social media who asked her if, following plastic surgery, she “missed her old face”. Khloe replied “which one?”.

A women’s water polo player was accused of inappropriate touching during a match. She defended her action, saying the top of the opponent’s suit was the same color as the ball.

70 hippos kept on a compound owned by convicted drug kingpin Pablo Escobar will cost the Colombian government $3.5 million to relocate. They’ll also need a food budget since they can no longer eat Escobar’s drug-trafficking rivals.

Congressmen from New York and Kentucky got in a shouting match after Wednesday’s session over their differences on proposed assault weapons bans. The Kentucky congressman challenged the New Yorker to pistols at ten paces.

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President Biden made a secret trip to Kyiv, Ukraine to visit President Volodymyr Zelenskyy on the anniversary of Russia’s invasion. The White House is secretive on the details, but reportedly Biden asked multiple times why it was taking so long to get to Delaware.

Britney Griner will return to the WNBA, signing a one-year deal with the Phoenix Mercury. She was then traded to the Las Vegas Aces in exchange for convicted arms dealer Viktor Bout.

Kendall Jenner is rumored to be dating pop star Bad Bunny. Meanwhile, Khloe Kardashian was dumped by his cousin, Tad Bunny.

ABC’s The Bachelor will debut a senior citizen edition – where an eligible older gentleman eliminates prospective female partners by not giving them roses or seats in his booth at Cracker Barrel.

Free speech advocates are angry that Roald Dahl books like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are being selectively edited. For instance, Augustus Gloop is no longer referred to as “fat” – but Veruca Salt is still a bitch.

United Airlines announced they’ll no longer charge families an extra fee for sitting together – and they’ll even duct tape your kids to their seats at no charge.

Home Depot announced they’ll spend another $1 billion dollars this year to increase pay and benefits for hourly workers who can’t tell you where the items are that you’re looking for.

Spain became the first country in Europe to entitle workers to paid menstrual leave. Four construction workers in Madrid are suing after being fired for identifying as menstruating women.

Household debt hit a record $16.9 trillion last quarter – an estimated $5 trillion comprised of husband & boyfriend Christmas gifts where the recipient “loved” it, but will never use or wear it.

Aussie porn star Liam Ellis said he injured his penis during a recent shoot, causing it to turn black. The good news is he’s now included in the ‘ebony’ category on Pornhub.

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A House committee voted to make Donald Trump’s tax returns public. The move was criticized by Trump, and by McDonald’s, who each don’t want American citizens seeing how much they were charged for Big Macs and Diet Cokes.

A Doylestown, Pennsylvania man was arrested in Starbucks for throwing coffee on a police officer, lying on the ground and biting the cop’s leg. He was charged with assault, and overcharged for an average cup of coffee.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that her 4-year-old daughter True lost her first tooth, then woke up with a stiff neck after sleeping with $100,000 under her pillow.

The Taliban have banned women from universities in Afghanistan. They’re also executing any guys who show up for cheerleading tryouts at Kabul University.

Samsung released a new line of Star Wars accessories for their phones and smartwatches, making it easier for women and men to spot nerds they shouldn’t date.

Jeopardy! camera operators are reportedly having difficulty with current champion Ray Lalonde, who moves back and forth frequently, leading to their nickname ‘Ray The Sway’. He’s still easier to film than a different past champion, ‘Keisha the Seizha’.

Bill Gates said that his divorce from wife Melinda after 27 years was one of his “personal low points” – pointing to a line chart of his net worth on the day after his divorce was finalized.

China wants citizens to go to work, even if they’re infected with COVID. They’re even allowing some employees to work from home, because they already live in an iPhone factory.

CNN listed topics that you shouldn’t bring up at the holiday dinner table. Topping the list for anyone visiting family below the Mason-Dixon line: “watching CNN”.

New York’s prestigious Juilliard School is now embroiled in a massive scandal, alleging a professor/composer solicited sex from students. Over 500 former students signed an open letter demanding that he face the music.

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Airlines are reportedly lobbying Congress to allow flights with just one pilot in the cockpit. This way, there isn’t a copilot nagging the pilot about how much he’s been drinking.

A giant aquarium housing 1,500 tropical fish burst in a Berlin hotel. Most of them died, and attempts to save others with a defibrillator resulted in fried fish.

Students at a Canadian high school are banned from taking photos of a transgender woman teacher with Z-cup prosthetic breasts. Her placeholder yearbook photo will be a mannequin standing behind two watermelons.

A hippopotamus swallowed a 2-year-old Ugandan boy whole, then spit him out moments later. The boy’s mother then changed his diaper.

Tyler Perry – godfather to Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s baby, Lilibet – skipped the baby’s christening. Perry declined after Harry & Meghan refused to name the event ‘Tyler Perry’s Lilibet’s Christening’.

ABC’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve announced performances from New Edition and Duran Duran, as thousands of revelers pack New York’s Times Square to ring in 1983.

A new study finds 1 in 18 patients visiting hospital emergency rooms are misdiagnosed. The problem is worse in Chicago and Philadelphia emergency rooms, where patients are diagnosed with ‘bullet wound’ instead of ‘multiple bullet wounds’.

Tristan Thompson will pay $9,500/month in support for Theo, the baby he fathered with Maralee Nichols while still together with Khloe Kardashian. He’ll also have visitation when Nichols drops the baby off with Tristan in the Champagne Room.

A 56-year-old Delaware woman was carjacked and stabbed by a 27-year-old Philadelphia woman who brought her 1-year-old with her. The carjacker was arrested before she was able to get to the mall for pictures with Santa Claus.

In Florida, a home security camera captured a black bear eating a Chick-fil-A order that was delivered to the front porch. The delivery driver was disappointed that the homeowner failed to tip, but surprised that the bear gave him 10 bucks.