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The FDA approved Dsuvia, a new opioid tablet 10 times stronger than fentanyl and 1,000 times stronger than morphine.  To curb potential abuse, it will only be used in extreme cases such as emergency rooms, or to take prior to joining your extended family for Thanksgiving dinner.

An 11-year-old in a Phoenix suburb, told by his live-in grandmother to clean his room, shot her, then shot himself. Officials said that the room is now an even bigger mess.

A university theater student in Pennsylvania was arrested for secretly using his iPhone to record women he knew using the bathroom.  The women became suspicious when they emerged from the bathroom and he congratulated them on passing their audition.

A Scottish fisherman was rescued from a cliff after he was confronted and cornered by an aggressive colony of about 50 gray seals protecting their young. He was lowered into a boat by the Coast Guard, who responded after a Scottish SEAL team took the animals’ side.

Hutch, a 13-year-old Belgian Malinois police dog in Boynton Beach, Florida – credited with taking part in over 200 arrests – has died .. just one week short of finally retiring and getting his pension.

An off-duty NYPD officer was arrested in Brooklyn and charged with DUI after driving the wrong way down a one-way street and striking a parked car. He was taken into custody when on-duty NYPD officers saw the drunk cop giving himself a field sobriety test.

Susan Westwood, 51, of North Carolina, was shown on viral video harassing two black women waiting for AAA vehicle assistance. Westwood insulted them and bragged about being white, hot, and making $125,000 working for Spectrum Cable. She was fired from Spectrum, where she was a supervisor harassing people who were late paying their bill.

Beginning today, Amazon will offer free shipping to all its customers for items arriving in time for Christmas. Amazon’s warehouse workers and delivery drivers responded to the increased workload by increasing the size of bottles they urinate in from 16-ounce to two-liter.

Jury selection began Monday in the drug trafficking trial of legendary drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. The NYPD closed the Brooklyn Bridge to transport El Chapo from a Manhattan prison to the Brooklyn trial. El Chapo said it was unnecessary, since his employees had already built a special tunnel.

  • So far, prosecution attorneys have sent home several dozen prospective jurors who greeted El Chapo by name as they entered the courtroom.

Kim Kardashian said that husband Kanye West is harassing her to expand their family to seven children. Kardashian told a friend she doesn’t know if her body could handle the stress of watching so many surrogates have her kids.

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Actress Dawn Wells – Mary Ann from ‘Gilligan’s Island’ – is $200k in debt. Her friends started a GoFundMe to help the actress pay medical bills and recover money she lost from bad investments, like funding the Professor’s coconut-powered furnace.

Actor Geoffrey Owens from The Cosby Show – whose story went viral after he was spotted working at a Trader Joe’s – has been offered work by filmmaker Tyler Perry on a show for the Oprah Winfrey Network. Owens has yet to respond, but is reportedly disappointed at not being cast in Perry’s other project, ‘Madea Goes to Trader Joe’s.’

30 more people have reportedly become ill from salmonella-contaminated boxes of Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal. The Centers for Disease Control have expanded the cereal’s recall – purchasers are asked to return boxes with specific date codes, and that feature Dig ‘Em the Frog’s cartoon cousin, Puke ‘Em.

Viral video is circulating from a kid’s birthday party in Baton Rouge, where someone in a Minnie Mouse costume teaches kids to twerk while hip-hop songs play, including ‘Show Me How You Ride That D**k’.  The video shows the kids having a great time, but cuts out before Goofy makes it rain and Daisy Duck puts ’em on the glass.

Kim Kardashian visited the White House again to discuss prison reform and the release of Chris Young, jailed for life on non-violent drug charges. President Trump quickly got bored, stared at Kim’s chest and asked if she was interested in releasing two other prisoners.

The New York Times published an anonymous letter from someone claiming to be a senior Trump Administration official, alleging to work with other insiders to resist Trump’s agenda from the inside. Speculation abounds as to the author’s identity, with many insisting it’s the White House cleaning lady hiding the tv remote so Trump can’t watch Fox News.

Domino’s Pizza in Russia offered 100 free pizzas a year for life if followers tattooed the Domino’s logo on their body and shared it on social media. Domino’s halted the promo due to overwhelming response, proving Russia has a serious problem with bad pizza and bad tattoos.

According to dating website Match, singles in San Antonio, Atlanta and Baltimore spend the most money on dating every year, from $2,200-$2500.  That includes food, entertainment and, in Baltimore’s case, self-defense classes & weaponry.

7000 insects, spiders and lizards were reported missing from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion. No one knows what happened to the creatures, but the rats occupying a neighboring cheesesteak restaurant have reportedly hired lawyers.

Dunkin Donuts apologized for sending Philadelphia Eagles cups to New England-area stores, instead of the New England Patriots cups those stores usually get. No word on whether they’ll apologize for the beverages that they put in the cups.

 

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A South Carolina woman was charged with murder after poisoning her late husband with eye drops – which he totally did not see coming.

A truck carrying Axe body spray crashed in Texas, sending the product all over an area highway. This was bad news for cleanup crews, and good news for the shy raccoon with no game who finally got the ladies’ attention with his new scent.

Nike chose embattled former NFL qb Colin Kaepernick to be the face of its new ‘Just Do It’ campaign, leading to protests from those who oppose his national anthem protests. Some posted videos burning Nike shoes and apparel – several kids were injured trying to snatch the burning shoes rather than wearing the ones their Moms got them at Payless.

An Emirates Airline jet from Dubai to New York was quarantined post-landing Wednesday after 10 passengers aboard reported feeling ill. Some say that passengers picked up at a stop in Mecca brought the flu on board – others blamed the Baba Ghannouj breakfast sandwiches that Emirates borrowed from Spirit Airlines.

In Iowa, a 50-year-old man accidentally shot his 55-year-old brother on the first day of squirrel hunting season. The victim was treated for non-life-threatening injuries, and said it was partially his fault for trying to get sunflower seeds out of a bird feeder.

NASA is reportedly considering raising money for future missions by selling the naming rights for launches to marketing partners. Branding experts are hesitant, saying nobody wants to be asking a friend in 15 years where they were when the Cap’n Crunch Shuttle exploded…

The National Hockey League is reportedly asking that Washington Capitals players – each of whom gets a day with the Stanley Cup – not do “keg stands”, or, inverted beer chugging, out of it. The NHL is worried about damage to the trophy, and less worried that players will slip and knock their teeth out.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop brand paid $145,000 in civil penalties in California for falsely claiming that Jade and Rose Quartz stone “vaginal eggs” would, when placed in the vagina, improve bladder control, boost orgasms and regulate hormones. Family-minded women buying them also said that the eggs were “impossible to fertilize”.

Kim Kardashian is making another trip to the White House, this time attempting to free 30-year-old Chris Young, a convicted drug dealer serving a life sentence. This will be Kardashian’s second meeting in the Oval Office, moving her two ahead of Melania.

Rumors surfaced that Melania Trump’s “kidney operation” earlier this year may have actually been another enlargement surgery for her breasts. The rumors were fueled by photos of the First Lady in a snug top, showing off her kidney-shaped bosom.

 

 

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Papa John’s Chairman John Schnatter resigned after saying the word “n*ggers” on a conference call. An unnamed source in the room with him claims he actually said it three times, but the first two times he was on Mute.

Porn star Stormy Daniels was arrested in Ohio on three misdemeanor charges of touching strip club patrons while nude onstage. Ohio law forbids strippers from touching customers while nude, unless it’s a “family member”. Daniels attorney said she was entrapped by officers who asked her to call them Daddy.

  • Daniels took two mugshots. One standard, and one bent over at the waist looking back at the camera over her shoulder.

Kylie Jenner appears on the cover of the latest Forbes magazine as she approaches becoming the U.S.’s youngest self-made billionaire. She said her next goal is to become a millionaire.

Facebook’s app is reportedly crashing on Android devices, as reported by panicked women whose selfies haven’t received “so beautiful” comments from the same four friends.

Google updated their Gboard keyboard app to allow users to communicate via Morse code. Google execs praised the new feature, which is designed to make communication easier for those with disabilities, Boy Scouts, and time-travelers to the 1940s.

Shridar Chillal, 82, of Pune, India – holder of the Guinness World Record for longest fingernails – cut them off and donated them after growing them for 66 years. They will be displayed in a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum in New York, after technicians clean off decades of food Chillal scraped from his teeth.

Instagram introduced an ‘Ask Me Anything’ feature, which allows users to place a ‘?’ sticker on their photos, allowing other users to ask open-ended questions. So far the most common question is “How do I delete Instagram?”

Scientists have discovered the brightest object in the universe, a quasar from when the universe was just 7 percent of its current age. The quasar exists at one end of the galactic spectrum; at the other, 23-year-old Kim Kardashian, who made a sex tape at 67 percent of her current age, known as the dimmest object in the universe.

Older people with higher blood pressure run a higher risk of Alzheimer’s. So quit bothering grandma because you are literally going to make her crazy.

The IRS says that over 350,000 Americans will be unable to obtain or renew passports because of unpaid taxes, although Donald and Melania are likely to get a waiver.

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Starbucks pledged to eliminate plastic straws globally by 2020. Customers will be able to choose non-plastic straws, ‘strawless lids’, or having the barista just pour your drink down the front of your shirt and lap.

President Trump will name his newest nominee to the Supreme Court Monday night, at a televised press conference that is almost guaranteed to boost TV ratings for Monday Night Baseball.

A 55-year-old Florida man was arrested at a Chili’s restaurant in Vacaville, California for purposely exposing himself while seated at the bar. As he was led away in handcuffs, the man told officers “Chili’s in California are different than Florida.”

A missing 5-month-old infant was found buried alive under a pile of sticks in the Montana mountains. Police arrested the boyfriend of the baby’s mother for criminal endangerment, and also issued a court appearance citation to the beavers who own & operate Montana Mountain Child Care.

Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin. The couple confirmed the news on Instagram, will issue invitations on Instagram, marry on Instagram, and honeymoon on Instagram…but will probably be divorced in a Snap.

Tom Brady posted backyard video with his young son, showing his son attempting to catch him as he evades the son’s “pass rush” as the elder Brady wears a full helmet and pads. His son then hugs him, at which point Tom Brady yells at an off-camera official to call a late hit.

Costco is eliminating the Polish hot dog from its food court menu, causing customer outrage. A spokesman said the item created confusion with some of Costco’s dumber customers, who misread the sign and were arrested for indecency while polishing their hot dog.

Asian inventors released a video showing ‘Amphibio’, a large white mask for humans that they claim acts like a gill – allowing for underwater breathing, and for looking even more like an idiot when you drown .

Kim Kardashian visited a California women’s prison on Friday, meeting with 15 inmates to find out about their daily lives and their plans once they’re released.  Kardashian left with 14 marriage proposals, and 1 offer to smuggle in six kilos of heroin in her buttocks on her next visit.

Movie star heartthrob of the fifties and sixties Tab Hunter has died at age 86. No funeral arrangements have been announced, but the hope is that other actors will act as pallbearers to help pick up the Tab.

 

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The Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup, defeating the Vegas Golden Knights four games to one. Capitals’ captain Alex Ovechkin was named the Most Valuable Player in the playoffs, and accepted a congratulatory phone call from the President — Vladimir Putin.

Dine Brand Global – which also owns Applebee’s and Denny’s – is being warned by brand experts against changing the name of IHOP to IHOB. Executives aren’t worried, saying they want customers to know they can get more than just pancakes, they can also get botulism.

President Trump said that he wants to speak with NFL players who kneel during the anthem so they can recommend people for pardons because they’ve been treated unfairly by the justice system. Trump then asked aides how you pardon unarmed black citizens shot dead by cops.

MIT scientists created an artificial intelligence “psychopath” named Norman, that they programmed using captions about graphic images of death posted by humans on Reddit. The scientists may shut Norman down after he registered to vote and spent hundreds of dollars online buying Make America Great Again apparel.

Consulting firm Deloitte reports that the legalization of recreational marijuana in Canada would create a $4 billion dollar industry – but would also risk making everyone a slower skater.

Kendall Jenner posted a topless photo of herself on Instagram, with ice cream emojis covering her nipples. For everyone wondering how big?.. just one scoop.

The Federal Reserve reported that Americans household net worth exceeded $100 trillion for the first time ever – a result of rising home values, a robust stock market, and The Man screwing everyone over.

Alice Marie Johnson, the woman whose life sentence President Trump commuted this week following his meeting with Kim Kardashian, promised Trump “I will make you proud”. She then kicked all the black family members out of her house while standing for the National Anthem.

Facebook admits that 14 million users “friends only” posts were made public because of a software bug. “I wondered where all those Likes were coming from!” said losers with only a couple dozen friends.

BuzzFeed is laying off 20 people – shocking everyone who didn’t know BuzzFeed actually paid anyone.

Measurement company Zenith said that in 2019, people around the world will spend more time online than they do watching TV, that is unless broadcast networks finally wise up and start showing porn.

 

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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.

 

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New research from the University of Bristol confirms that plants colonized Earth 100 million years earlier than originally thought. The findings were based off of crude cave drawings depicting early man smoking plants, coupled with terrible poetry and song lyrics written on cave walls after they smoked.

Danica Patrick was involved in a six-car pileup that prevented her from finishing the Daytona 500. It happened in an Ulta parking lot.

Defense Secretary James Mattis is expected to release his new policy on transgender troops in the military, to coincide with the kickoff of Armed Forces Fashion Week.

Juul – a new vaping device whose pods deliver as much nicotine as a full pack of cigarettes – is under scrutiny from lawmakers. Pods come in flavors such as creme brulee, mango and fruit medley, raising concern that Juul is targeting children. Execs denied that claim at a press conference to introduce new Cap’n Crunch Juul pods.

A flight from Dubai to Amsterdam was forced to make an emergency landing when a fight broke out among passengers bothered by a fellow passenger’s nonstop farting. The angry passengers were unable to move, because rectal turbulence forced the captain to keep the fasten-seatbelt light on.

Daytona 500 champion Austin Dillon commemorated his victory by getting a tattoo on his buttocks. Since it was a NASCAR event, he had his choice of 20 places to get it done without leaving the track.

The Olympic Broadcasting Service (OBS) is being criticized for airing a replay of French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis’ routine, where her top broke and exposed her breast and nipple. OBS defended their decision, saying Papadakis’ performance is the highest-rated tv show in North Korean history.

Kourtney Kardashian revealed that she weighs just 98 pounds – a detail shared in a deleted scene of E!’s ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, where Kourtney sits on one end of a seesaw, while sister Kim sits on the other end and sends Kourtney to the hospital.

Michelle Obama tweeted congratulations to the makers of ‘Black Panther’ after seeing the film, writing “because of you, young people will finally see superheroes that look like them on the big screen.” Her message was received with confusion by young, white Amazon girls.

The White House said that President Trump will participate in a pair of “listening sessions” on school safety this week — one with NRA lobbyists, and another with students at the Professional Golf Association Tour School.