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Melania Trump is auctioning a hat and ‘two other personal items’ at a minimum starting bid of $250,000. “I’m out” said a Florida lottery winner after learning neither of the ‘personal items’ are socks or underwear.

A new tequila brand, Flecha Azul, is being launched by actor Mark Wahlberg, golfer Abraham Ancer, and entrepreneur Aron Marquez – Marky Mark & the Drunky Bunch.

Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa are getting divorced. They issued a statement saying their marriage is no Momoa.

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly annouced they’re getting married, and sealed their commitment by drinking each other’s blood. Their four kids from previous relationships said it made for a pretty weird celebration dinner at Olive Garden.

Comcast/Xfinity said they’ve successfully lab-tested the first multigigabit cable modem. Then they fired the engineers whose hard-drives were loaded with the entirety of Pornhub.

My Pillow CEO and Trumper conspiracy theory crackpot Mike Lindell says he has ‘enough evidence’ to put ‘300 million’ Americans in jail. He says it’s nothing to do with the 2020 election, it’s because My Pillows have tiny cameras in them.

Steve Harvey blamed ‘cancel culture’ as the reason he may never do another standup comedy special. ABC announced the cancellation of Judge Steve Harvey.

Canon home printers are rejecting new Canon ink cartridges since they lack authenticating microchips due to a global shortage. Customers are so angry, they’re magenta in the face.

Conor McGregor’s Dublin, Ireland bar, The Black Forge, was attacked with Molotov cocktails by vandals Wednesday night. Fortunately, there was no damage since Irish drunks were able to drink them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend is expected to testify before a grand jury amidst allegations Gaetz engaged in sex trafficking and sex with underaged women. The grand jury will convene on an afternoon when the 14-year-old isn’t babysitting.

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Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano erupted for the first time in two years, figuring if there’s ever a good time to spew more toxins into the air, it’s probably now.

Mark Wahlberg disappointed Australian fans at the grand opening of one of his F45 Fitness Gyms. Wahlberg spent a mere five minutes posing for pics at the new gym in Woolloomooloo, Sydney, before bidding everyone TooDooLooLoo.

An 18-year-old woman from Georgia was sentenced to four months in jail in the Cayman Islands for breaking COVID-19 protocols. Her parents appealed to Donald Trump for assistance, and are confident he’ll follow up, because she’s kinda hot.

The U.K. is in lockdown after a more transmissible, mutated, strain of coronavirus ravages the area. It’s so unpopular, instead of COVID-20, they’re calling it “Meghan”.

Following vaccination of healthcare workers, a CDC Advisory Panel recommends Americans 75 & older be next in line for vaccines. The panel is also warning their grandchildren to expect long, boring stories about it.

Apple may launch the Apple Car as early as next year. Pricing is not yet available, although interested buyers are being told to buy a case for it so the windshield doesn’t break when they hit the curb.

Ariana Grande is engaged to real estate broker Dalton Gomez. Grande plans to enter the studio to begin recording her next album about dumping him.

The new $900 billion government stimulus package reportedly contains $600 direct payments to Americans, billions in expanded unemployment benefits, and about $400 billion to the Russians hacking into the Treasury to take it.

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro raged against the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, saying if the vaccine turned someone into an alligator, Pfizer bears no legal liability. Pfizer said its vaccine does not turn people into alligators, because it would make the second vaccine dose really hard to administer.

New video emerged of a United Airlines passenger receiving CPR before dying of COVID-19 symptoms midflight, and of the the courageous flight attendant trying to push her cart over him to complete beverage service.

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Some Instacart customers are luring employees to fulfill their orders with tips of $50 or more, then removing them after receiving their order. A new startup, Instavandal, identifies them so enterprising punks can absolutely trash their houses & lawns.

Saturday Night Live returns this weekend with new, remotely-produced content – but somehow Pete Davidson has a conflict and can’t do it.

A new study published in journal Science theorizes that a crew of monkeys rode a natural raft from Africa to South America around 35 million years ago. As for why the monkeys took to the sea, they say pteradactyls charged too much for airfare.

Singapore stopped teachers from using Zoom, after men crashed a teen girls geography class to make lewd comments. To discourage future class disruptions, Singapore teachers are inviting the men to watch disruptive teen girls caned during detention instead.

Melania Trump shared a photo of herself wearing a cloth facemask. Asked where she got it, she said she still had it from her days robbing convenience stores back in Slovenia.

Scientists created a mutant enzyme that decomposes one ton of plastic bottles in 10 hours. They tried it out on a day’s worth of Mountain Dew bottles collected while TLC Network recorded new episodes of ‘My 600-Lb Life’.

Mark Wahlberg is hosting a second Instagram Live workout from his home; this time, he’s hoping to see some straight guys watching it.

A new website, imisstheoffice.eu , plays audio to replicate sounds common at most offices. You can even navigate to the executive-only floor to hear how the cute new hire got the promotion instead of you.

Prosecutors in the college admissions scandal released the rowing machine photos of Lori Loughlin’s daughters, submitted to get them on the USC Crew Team. Daughter Bella is seen leaning back mid-stroke, while Olivia Jade is pouring water under hers.

In a recent poll, 72% of Americans said they would not attend sporting events in person prior to a successful COVID-19 vaccine. The number increased to 99% when asked specifically about their preteen kids’ tee ball & soccer games.

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President Trump continues to threaten to close the U.S./Mexico border this week, now that all the Young Republicans have wrapped up Spring Break in Cancun.

Experts claim if the U.S./Mexico border is closed down, the U.S. would run out of avocados in three weeks – meaning, Chipotle would stop serving their guacamole in just over two months.

McDonald’s angered Australian customers it fooled with an April Fool’s prank announcing the McPickle, a Big Mac-like burger filled with pickles. Later, McDonald’s Australia issued a statement acknowledging the joke and saying they’ll resume making burgers with kangaroo and horse meat.

A 1915 Coca-Cola bottle, a prototype of the iconic swirling glass bottle with script lettering, is expected to sell for over $150,000 at auction. Had the bottle been stored with real Coke in it, it would have disintegrated 99 years ago.

Jennifer Lopez and Cardi B are filming ‘Hustlers’, a movie about strippers who turn the tables on their clients. Producers changed the name to ‘Hustlers’ from its original name ‘The Cardi B. Story’.

Following Bryce Harper’s mammoth home run for the Philadelphia Phillies, Atlanta Braves pitcher Shane Carle hit the next batter, Rhys Hoskins. After the game, Phillies manager Gabe Kapler said “it really pisses me off when balls go underneath Rhys Hoskins’ chin”. Hoskins asked Kapler to not do the talking for him from now on.

Climate change may melt decades worth of human poop on Denali, the tallest mountain in North America. The name was previously changed from Mt. McKinley to Denali. If global warming exposes the excrement, the National Parks Service may change it again to Ramada.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck married his longtime girlfriend Nicole Pechanec, earning her the title of Lady Luck.

Conor McGregor, who retired from fighting after allegedly assaulting a woman in Ireland, tweeted he wants to fight ‘actress’ Mark Wahlberg to get his ownership stake in UFC. Given that McGregor has already assaulted a woman, a victory would raise his mixed-gender fighting record to 2-0.

Police responding to a medical call at a Bismarck, North Dakota business found “several” dead bodies.  Officials are calling it the second-worst-ever grand opening of Jersey Mike’s subs.

 

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Serena Williams said in an interview that her male tennis coach advised her to stop breastfeeding her daughter. The coach said that the baby was getting in the way of her serving motion.

The Centers for Disease Control claims to have solved the latest food-borne illness outbreak at Chipotle. Their review of victims’ stool samples pointed to clostridium perfringens, a bacteria that flourishes when food is left at an unsafe temperature. The CDC took a while to share results, since the stool samples and the burrito samples kept getting mixed up.

Elon Musk became emotional and teary-eyed during a lengthy interview with the New York Times, saying the past year has been “the most difficult and painful of my career” and “excruciating”. At several points during the interview, Musk had to stop so that a naked supermodel could wipe away his tears with hundred-dollar bills.

President Donald Trump canceled a military parade planned for Washington, D.C. this fall. He blamed local politicians for the rumored $92 million cost that resulted in cancellation, along with the fact that Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis turned down the Grand Marshal gig, citing scheduling conflicts.

Former ‘Home Improvement’ star Zachery Ty Bryan appeared on Fox & Friends, saying he think Hollywood elitists need to spend less time criticizing Trump supporters and more time trying to understand them. “Shut the f*** up” said his neighbor whose face was obscured by a tall fence.

Stormy Daniels withdrew from participation in U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother. Producers said they were surprised by her decision, but her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, said that in every production Stormy has been a part of , someone has pulled out.

Mark Wahlberg told PEOPLE magazine that raising a 14 year old daughter is “a challenge”, adding that “(there’s) a lot of attitude, a lot of ‘you ruin everything!’..” — and that was just because his daughter had watched ‘The Happening’.

Forbes Magazine named Scarlett Johansson the highest-paid actress on the planet, earning $40.5 million from June, 2017 to June, 2018. “Huh.” said Johansson, displaying her trademark emotional range.

Natural Cycles, a mobile fertility app, is the first-ever digital contraceptive to win FDA marketing approval. It uses an algorithm to determine whether a woman is fertile, and should avoid unprotected sex. If she is fertile and is having difficulty refraining from unprotected sex, the app shows pictures of diaper pails and babies vomiting.

The FDA also approved a generic EpiPen. The generic EpiPen is expected to compete with the original, and also for use by people for whom 5 Hour Energy really isn’t working.

 

 

 

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Delta Airlines is hiring 1,000 new flight attendants. The airline says they’ve received over 125,000 applications for the openings, but expect many candidates will withdraw once they realize how opening soda cans ruins their nails.

Athletic shoe maker Asics is testing new shoes that can be customized by microwaving them. The innovation was enthusiastically welcomed by the makers of Hot Pockets, who are happy to now become the second-worst tasting thing you heat in your microwave.

A live-action Dora the Explorer film is in the works, with Michael Bay producing. The project’s working title is Dora the Exploder.

  • Bay picks up executive producing credit after Dora moved the project following her meeting with The Weinstein Company.

A sculpture of Napoleon sitting in a town hall building in New Jersey has been verified as the work of Auguste Rodin, valued at $4 million. The Chairman of New Jersey’s art & culture alliance is stumped as to when the sculpture was made, but assumes it dates back to before Rodin was killed by Godzilla.

Toy maker Hasbro warned of lower 4th quarter demand for toys, based on the bankruptcy proceedings of large retailer Toys R Us. Business is so slow, My Little Ponys have had to take on farm work and over half of Transformers are now doubling as Ubers.

Stephen Hawking’s 1966 doctoral thesis was released for public viewing on Cambridge University’s website, and traffic promptly crashed the site. Pornhub said they could import the documents and absorb the traffic, but nobody would believe anyone who said Hawking’s thesis is why they were there.

Mark Wahlberg, a practicing Catholic, told the Chicago Tribune – ahead of a meeting with Cardinal Blase Cupich – that he hopes God forgives him for his role in Boogie Nights.  Cardinal Cupich said he didn’t know about God, but asked Wahlberg for $20 back for Transformers The Last Knight.

Kid Rock told Howard Stern “F*ck no, I’m not running for Senate.” The Michigan GOP quickly shredded invitations to the $1,000-a-plate Bawitda-Ball fund raiser.

Cell phone video captured scenes of a Harry Styles concert at the Hollywood Bowl, where Styles’ crotch was grabbed by an aggressive fan near the stage. Styles did not grab the fan back, so the improper touching only went in one direction.

This year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade will feature the debut of a new balloon, Olaf the Snowman from Frozen.  The over/under on terrible Al Roker ‘Let It Go’ jokes is 15.

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San Francisco 49ers assistant coach Katie Sowers has come out, making her the first openly gay coach in the NFL. “Welcome to the club!” said an unnamed group of players comprising 10% of the 49ers roster.

According to a Priceline.com survey, 44% of Americans reported that the feeling they get from booking a cheap flight is better than sex. Most of the respondents were Spirit Airlines fliers, who can always count on booking cheap fares and getting screwed.

Former National Director of Intelligence James Clapper reacted strongly to President Trump’s rally speech in Phoenix Tuesday, saying he questions Trump’s fitness for office and his access to nuclear codes — especially since Trump had them all changed to ‘Password’.

In an excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s forthcoming 2016 campaign memoir ‘What Happened’, she said that when Trump stood behind her at the debates it made her “skin crawl”.  Said Melania Trump “..yeah? Now imagine the same thing, only he’s naked.”

Taylor Swift announced the release of a new album, ‘Reputation.’ The album drops in November, but it is already not speaking with Katy Perry’s new album.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is rumored to be getting a 5-year contract extension through 2024. Goodell has so far made over $200 million as Commissioner. He said he’ll continue to stand during the national anthem, because there’s no room to sit with all the piles of money around.

Actor Robert Downey Jr is warning fans of online scammers posing as Downey to cheat people out of charitable donations — leading countless gullible nerds to stop Venmo payments to Stark Industries.

Mark Wahlberg tops the Forbes list of Hollywood’s highest-paid actors, followed by Dwayne ‘The Rock ‘ Johnson and Vin Diesel — offering continued hope to all of you good-looking, muscular guys in Hollywood who can’t act.

Ferrari unveiled a new 200-MPH convertible, and a new toupee super-glue for men buying it.

Elon Musk posted a photo on Instagram of the new spacesuit that SpaceX astronauts will wear on trips to the International Space Station. It features a fully redesigned helmet and bodysuit, with a fireproof pocket for astronauts to store their last messages to loved ones.