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Vanderpump Rules star Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter, Pandora Todd, is pregnant. Suffice to say someone opened her box.

California’s Dixie wildfire is now the second-largest in state history. Those in Dixie land who take their stand are, generally, dying in Dixie.

Following Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham selling the rights to their music catalogs for tens of millions, Fleetwood Mac keyboardist Christine McVie sold her song rights. She used the proceeds to buy new tires for her Camry.

Greece has also been experiencing devastating wildfires. Large cargo planes have been dropping oatmeal and baking soda, since that’s how you extinguish a Greece fire.

Embattled New York Governor Andrew Cuomo – facing sexual harassment accusations from 11 women – had his top assistant, Secretary Melissa DeRosa, resign. DeRosa said she was tired of being 12th on the Governor’s list.

Olympian Simone Biles wowed Instagram followers with a bikini photo and a new braided hairstyle she’s calling the Twisty.

Philip Morris International – maker of Marlboro and other tobacco cigarettes – said they’ll stop selling Marlboros in the U.K. in ten years. Meanwhile, middle-aged cowboys are reportedly auditioning for print ads featuring the Narlboro Man.

Germany’s modern pentathlon coach Kim Raisner was disqualified from the Tokyo Olympics for punching a horse that refused to jump during equestrian events. The horse also reportedly refused a bouquet of carrots Raisner sent to it.

Bruce Springsteen’s daughter Jessica won a silver medal in equestrian competition at the Tokyo Olympic games. The horse praised Jessica for strapping her hands across his engines.

A Colorado Rockies fan, accused of yelling the n-word at a Miami Marlins player, may have actually been saying “Dinger”, the name of the team’s dinosaur mascot. For the record, Dinger clarified that he’s actually purple, not black.

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Congress passed The TRACED Act, bipartisan legislation to expand consumer protection against annoying robocalls. So say goodbye to all those great deals on health insurance and extended car warranties.

Stacy London, fashion influencer and co-host of cable show ‘What Not To Wear’, introduced her new girlfriend on Instagram. No word on who doesn’t wear the pants in their relationship.

The City of Philadelphia named Danielle Outlaw, former police chief of Portland, OR, to be their new police commissioner. She’s the first African-American woman to hold the post, and the first Outlaw to lead the Philadelphia Police Department since last week.

Philadelphia recorded 355 homicides in 2019, surpassing New York City’s murder total. Combined with the Eagles’ 2019 wins over the Jets & Giants, Philly fully cemented bragging rights.

Comedian Kathy Griffin, a former staple of New Year’s Eve tv celebrations, instead got married to her longtime boyfriend shortly after midnight. Instead of watching the Waterford crystal ball drop in Times Square, she disrobed and watched her fiancee’s balls drop in California.

Pope Francis apologized following the viral video that showed him slapping at a woman who grabbed his arm in St. Peter’s Square. His Holiness said he lost patience with her, and that he’ll find a more constructive way to keep his pimp hand strong.

The Food & Drug Administration plans to ban e-cigarette & vaping flavor cartridges except for traditional tobacco and menthol. The FDA decision was announced at a press conference launching new Fruity Mango Marlboros.

Google Health demonstrated artificial intelligence they claim is better than human evaluation at detecting breast cancer, and also 100% less likely to say “wow!” when looking at women’s breasts.

Drivers in Washington state were trapped in their cars when high winds blew tumbleweeds on to local highways. Once the tumbleweeds were removed, the drivers were able to get out of their cars for pistol duels at ten paces.

Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige told an audience in New York that a transgender character will be introduced to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. No more details were shared, but in a related story, Hulk announced his pronouns as ‘them’ and ‘they’.

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Two elementary school boys in Utah found a handgun in a snowbank, possibly discarded after a nearby domestic dispute. The boys had no problem holding everyone’s attention in Show & Tell, and easily found dates to the big school dance that weekend.

The average federal tax refund is down 8% so far this year, leading to an increase in sales of cheaper liquor.

Denver’s public school teachers went on strike Monday, saying their salaries are too low to keep up with both the city’s high cost of living, and legal-weed Colorado’s cost of living high.

The Cleveland Browns signed running back Kareem Hunt, who had been waived by the Kansas City Chiefs for physically abusing a woman. The Browns are kicking the tires, and hope tires are all Hunt kicks.

Cardi B mistakenly thanked Tom Petty for sending her congratulatory flowers after the Grammy Awards. Petty, who died in 2017, did not send them, but worked as hard as he could pushing them up.

Marlboro cigarette owner Altria invested $1.8 billion in cannabis company Cronos. They’re now busy casting the new Marlboro Man from a pool of white male douchebags with dreadlocks riding an electric scooter.

UCLA Medical Center developed an interactive pacifier to improve breathing for premature infants; it triggers a lullaby sung by a parent when they suck on it. It works well for the majority of babies, but some are spitting it out because their moms are lousy singers.

According to a new study, eating ultra-processed foods like sugary cereal shortens your life.  “Give me Fruity Pebbles AND give me death!” said a defiant child.

A powerful storm battered Hawai’i with 191mph winds and 60 foot waves. “Surfs up!” said people with flooded basements.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen postponed his scheduled Congressional testimony a third time – citing ‘post surgery medical needs.’ It’s unclear who ordered the surgery to remove Cohen’s tongue.

Chris Christie denied any ongoing rift with President Trump, saying Trump has offered him jobs including Secretary of Labor, Director of Homeland Security, Special Assistant & two ambassadorships…but that those aren’t jobs that he wanted. Trump has yet to offer him White House fry cook.

A gadget called LoveSync is seeking funding via Kickstarter. The LoveSync has two buttons, one for each partner to press, indicating their interest in sex. If both buttons are pressed, they can decide to have sex. No price has been set, but it’s light & compact enough to throw out the window.

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China has instituted a ban on tiger and rhino parts in medicine. China will still sell Tiger Balm because it contains no animal parts; however, the Chinese government has issued a nationwide recall of Vicks Rhino Rub.

A five-year-old boy was “heartbroken” when Johannesburg airport security confiscated a stuffed toy snake that he had received from his grandmother. He was heartbroken that grandma wasn’t going to give him the ten grand she promised for delivering the stuffed snake to her contact at the child’s destination.

Melania Trump publicly called for the dismissal of Mira Ricardel, deputy national security adviser. Ricardel reportedly clashed with Mrs. Trump’s security team, and also showed up to a Be Best luncheon wearing the exact same dress & shoes as the First Lady.

Juul agreed to stop selling flavored vape pods in stores and to cease all social media promotion of their nicotine-laced e-cigarettes. The FDA asked Juul to limit access of its product to minors to make it easier for young people to find and use Marlboros.

Scientists in Europe are contemplating a new way to measure a kilogram — moving away from utilization of Le Grand K, a physical sample kilogram that could lose mass as it ages — and toward a new way, just letting coke dealers say how heavy it ought to be.

Donald Trump and his legal team are reportedly meeting this week to give written answers to questions submitted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “What’d you get for number one?” asked Trump to everyone several seconds after the meetings started.

A Texas woman who traveled to Mexico to save money on plastic surgery for her nose suffered a cardiac arrest while under anesthesia and is now on life support.  According to her family, the nose job didn’t turn out so great, either.

A man has been banned from all Disney theme park properties for holding up a sign reading ‘Trump 2020’ while riding Splash Mountain at Disney World. Disney officials said the guy could still visit A Small World and the Hall of Presidents, but he figured he might as well just be banned.

Netflix is testing cheaper, mobile-only plans for subscribers who prefer binge-watching on their phones in work meetings.

Guy Fieri cooked dinner for first responders of California’s massive Camp Fire wildfire, but their collective efforts couldn’t stop the destruction of almost all the homes in Flavortown.

 

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Dr. Ronny Jackson withdrew from consideration to run the Veterans Administration after a string of accusations including inappropriate work behavior, drunkenness, and handing out opioids. After Jackson withdrew, this guy’s beeper went off:

trump-doctor

 

According to a Pew study, four in five Americans believe in God. According to a different Pew study of dead people, none of them do.

Actor/wrestler John Cena, promoting the Transformers spinoff movie “Bumblebee” in Las Vegas, told ‘Entertainment Tonight’ that the end of his engagement to Nikki Bella “sucks”. He added that getting to date other women “sucks less” and that he expects ‘Bumblebee’ will “suck”.

The library at the University of Utah installed a “cry closet” where students stressed out by final exams can hold stuffed animals and let out tensions. Or, they can just go to the far corner of the Reference section and have sex like normal people.

Southwest Airlines said they’ve encountered a “softness” in bookings following the fatality aboard Flight 1380. They’ve also encountered difficulty with people sitting on each other’s laps on the aisle to avoid shrapnel flying through the window.

A new study of e-cigarette users said that non-tobacco ‘flavors’ are increasingly important to both younger and older e-cig users, and that e-cigs increase the likelihood of actual cigarette use. The data  inspired the release of New Hawaiian Punch Marlboros.

President Donald Trump called into ‘Fox & Friends’ on Thursday morning to discuss “Leakin’ Liar James Comey”, Kanye West and Michael Cohen – but only after receiving assurances that there be no ‘Avengers – Infinity War’ spoilers before the 7pm screening at the White House.

President Trump said he was “too busy” to get a present for wife Melania’s 48th birthday. He claimed he got her a “beautiful card” and flowers. Insiders said the First Lady is looking forward to a ‘spa day’, which is the term she uses for any day she doesn’t have to see her husband.

Kanye West tweeted that he has an autographed ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, signed by President Trump, but not signed by Vice President Mike Pence in order to retain its value.

The House Judiciary Committee will hear arguments on Thursday regarding perceived social media bias against conservative viewpoints on Facebook, Google & Twitter. Twitter and Google have not said whether they’ll attend; Facebook confirmed that it will not be at the meeting, and that they’ve Snoozed Congress for 30 days.

 

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Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.