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Singer Sam Smith announced via social media a change in pronouns to gender-neutral; Smith wants to be addressed as ‘they’ or ‘them’. Since Smith hasn’t had a hit song in years, most people are using the pronoun “Who?”

Subscription service Moviepass shut down. Owners plan to reorganize and start a business selling $12 buckets of popcorn online.

Saudi Arabia shut down half its crude oil production after Yemeni rebels set fire to multiple facilities with drone strikes. With cash flow cut in half, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman had to call off half of his weekly weddings and murders-for-hire.

An 18-year-old Juul user is suing the vape company, claiming he has the lungs of a 70 year old. He’s seeking damages in an amount befitting a rich 80-year-old.

The FDA is recommending approval of Palforzia, a drug to build immunity to peanut allergies in children. Recommended dosage is one Palforzia & jelly sandwich each day.

Rob Gronkowski said his brain is “fixed” after suffering 20 concussions. As evidence, Gronk said he’s just as smart as he was when he was 6 years old and hadn’t played football yet.

Jennifer Lopez said her 11-year-old son, Max, will walk her down the aisle when she marries Alex Rodriguez. Her daughter will hold her train, walking two feet behind her to avoid bumping into her ass.

A 6-year-old girl, who noticed her Army figurines were all men, convinced a toymaker to create female Army figurines, but only after conceding to the toymaker’s demand that they have huge boobs and a narrow waist.

A woman in Tennessee gave birth to a daughter, Caroline, on 9/11, at 9:11pm weighing 9 pounds, 11 ounces.  Her health insurer then gave her a copay bill of $9,011.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino celebrated his release from prison with his wife. The woman wife, not the prison one.

Caitlyn Jenner, speaking in a promo for a Comedy Central roast of Alec Baldwin, said she hasn’t cut “it” off. Sadly she meant both her penis and her tongue.

 

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President Trump cancelled his trip to Denmark because the Prime Minister rejected his offer to buy Greenland, and to avoid all of Denmark’s pesky cancer-causing windmills.

XFL, the new pro football league launching in February 2020, debuted its eight team names and logos, to the delight of children in destitute third-world nations who will be wearing licensed XFL apparel following the league’s April 2020 bankruptcy.

T-Mobile customers reported an outage lasting several hours, where calls and text messages failed. Most customers were angry, but loser guys liked having a few extra hours of hope that the hot girl might be trying to text them back.

Vast sections of the Amazon rainforest in South America are on fire. The lone bright spot amidst this environmental tragedy is seeing brave monkeys in firefighter outfits.

Lori Loughlin, awaiting trial in the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, told a friend she thought a half-million dollar bribe was like donating for a library – whatever those are.

The U.S. Labor Department negatively revised jobs added from April 2018 to March 2019 by 500,000. They say the number was right at the time, but a half-million people realized how badly they were getting ripped off delivering for Grubhub & Doordash.

Larry King’s wife Shawn, responding to his divorce filing, will not contest it, saying “I’m not going to fight a dying man” – adding it’s easier to take money off a dead man.

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is considered a longshot to win Dancing With the Stars. This, despite his extensive experience dancing around the truth.

MoviePass exposed thousands of unencrypted credit card numbers to potential hackers. Although subscribers are more worried about others finding out they went to see ‘Dora And The Lost City Of Gold’ without children.

Russia launched a humanoid robot to the International Space Station as part of a test program for a new transport rocket. Fedor the Robot can’t wait to get to the space station to hijack it and murder all of the other astronauts.

 

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New England Patriots Rob Gronkowski was criticized for a lewd response to a woman reporter’s question. When asked about returning next season, Gronk said “you guys know my favorite number..ask her..what’s six times nine plus six plus nine?’ ” Gronkowski, who attended the University of Arizona, genuinely didn’t know the answer.

Newsweek reported that President Trump had nothing listed on his official schedule this week except for lunch and an intelligence briefing. “Who the f*** accepted the intelligence briefing?” he shouted at acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.

Researchers at Columbia University have trained artificial intelligence to read brain activity and turn it into speech — great news, except for men looking at women who definitely don’t want their brain activity turned into speech.

Dietitians are warning Americans about the OMAD [One Meal A Day] Diet, a form of intermittent fasting. They’re worried about dieters who follow OMAD’s ’23 hours fasting, one hour of food’ rules, and more worried about the ones whose one meal lasts 23 hours.

Maroon 5 canceled a scheduled news conference to discuss the band’s Super Bowl halftime performance — arguably, the only badass thing they’ve ever done.

MoviePass competitor Sinemia dropped their prices and added a feature allowing subscribers to roll over unused screenings to the next month. This, in addition to Sinemia’s new brand campaign reminding people it’s not a psoriasis drug.

Samsung announced they’re making a 1 TB memory chip for smartphones. Samsung said its power users demand more onboard storage, since they dislike saving their homemade porno movies to the cloud.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook discussed the company’s favorable financial results, attributing them to food delivery, more modernized stores, improving their app, and putting a ton of salt in everything.

Kohl’s is partnering with Weight Watchers. They’ll offer in-store workshops and diet coaching for members in the program, and larger sizes for those who quit.

The death toll from the Midwest’s extreme polar cold wave stands at 11. More deaths are expected to be confirmed as soon as the ice is chipped off of people’s necks to check their pulse.

Consumer Reports tested 45 different fruit juice drinks and found 21 contained harmful levels of cadmium, arsenic & lead. There are no reports yet of children being harmed by the high levels of metal, but the kids drinking it are all heavier.

 

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A New Jersey couple is suing Sandals resorts for $30 million, claiming that the night before their 2016 wedding, a butler for their suite came in and molested the bride. Sandals plans to vigorously defend against the action, saying their resorts are really all-inclusive.

At the Miss BumBum pageant in Brazil – where thong-bikini-wearing women compete for the best naturally curvy buttocks – the runner-up attacked the winner, saying she used fake butt implants. Pageant organizers disagreed, saying all contestants are x-ray’d and their stool samples are analyzed for traces of bath caulk.

A woman in Brazil is believed to be the first ever to give birth to a healthy baby after getting a uterus transplanted from a deceased donor. The father of the newborn said that, for him, the hardest part was impregnating the corpse.

SpaceX shared video of its Falcon 9 rocket booster splashing down in the ocean instead of making a dry landing at Cape Canaveral. CEO Elon Musk said that, despite the error, the rocket appears to be okay, and that he’s pretty sure the chimps who piloted it can swim.

The father of a 10-year-old Ohio girl – after hearing she bullied classmates – made her walk five miles to school while he followed in a car. The father said he wanted to teach her a lesson, although the girl said the road work gave her increased stamina for future bullying.

Amazon is reportedly crowdsourcing answers to the most difficult questions posed to its ‘Alexa’ voice assistant. Participation is invitation-only. and limited to the first 1,000 women who can articulately describe the location of the G-spot and clitoris, respectively.

Embattled cinema-ticket subscription service Moviepass unveiled a complex, multi-tiered pricing scheme. The choices range from $10/month for non-opening weekend films, to $20/month for IMAX & 3D showings, and a ‘Pay As You Go Like Everybody Else Cause We’ll Be Out of Business by Summer Anyway’ tier.

Researchers claim to have taken the first steps toward a blood test that can determine the presence of any cancer in your body in 10 minutes. The test is reportedly 90% accurate, a percentage criticized as too low by dogs who sniff for cancer in your colon or vagina.

A former Kellogg employee faces three years in prison for urinating on a breakfast cereal conveyor belt in the factory where he worked. He pleaded guilty to tampering with consumer products. Reached for comment about the cereal incident, a Kellogg’s spokesman said “Theyyrrrre NOT great!”

Apple released an update to watchOS, making the Apple Watch’s electrocardiogram & irregular heart rate notification features available today.  User reactions range from “Cool!” to “Uh oh”.

 

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White House advisor Kellyanne Conway appeared on CBS’ ‘Face the Nation’ and said that the press is not the enemy of the people, adding that, in her case, mirrors are.

Taylor Hamlin, 18, was stripped of her crown as Maine Sea Goddess at the Maine Lobster Festival, after photos were found of her smoking what appears to be a marijuana cigarette and a Juul vaping device. She has been asked to surrender her crown, bib, claw-cracker, and chalice of lemon butter.

According to CDC data, the number of Americans sickened by eating McDonald’s salads has grown to 395 – or about one one-millionth of the number of people sickened by the idea of eating McDonald’s salads.

MoviePass will now limit members to seeing just three movies a month for $9.95.  However, the company is reportedly considering a plan to allow pass holders to add one movie each month for every $10 bucket of stale popcorn they buy.

Jingjing Hu, a music student at DePaul University, was booted off of an American Airlines flight from Miami to Chicago along with her cello, for which she’d purchased a ticket to occupy the seat next to her. American said there was a miscommunication about its policy; adding that the cello refused to assist passengers in an emergency since it was in an exit row.

In Camden, New Jersey, three formal postal workers were sentenced for their roles in a scheme to cash $100,000 in stolen postal money orders. The scheme ran aground when the men had trouble finding anyone under age 70 who knew what a postal money order is.

Verizon announced it’s bringing 5G Wireless technology to Houston, Texas. 5G, hailed as the “next generation” of internet speed, means Houston-area creeps will get an answer to ‘U Up?’ texts in just fractions of a second.

Online information service PrepScholar compiled College Board data to identify the states with the highest and lowest SAT scores. The highest overall scores were from students in Minnesota; the lowest overall scores were from the District of Columbia, where the test is known as the STA.

A recall was issued for Vanilla Almond Breeze almond milk because it may contain traces of real milk — the makers said they’ll improve screening to stop using pregnant almonds.

Emma Watkins and Lachlan Gillespie, a married couple who are both in children’s music group The Wiggles, have announced they’re getting a divorce. The announcement confirms rumors from five-year-old fans who noticed the group’s music getting much darker with the release of their new single “Cheating Isn’t Nice.”

 

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The Center for Whale Research reported that a mourning mother orca carried the body of its dead baby for several days in the Pacific Ocean. The mother orca also tore the heads off of several sharks who told unfortunate ‘dead baby’ jokes.

Alt-rock band Jimmy Eat World took to Twitter to give the origin story for their band name. Most people gave it a half-minute then switched on to something else.

Moviepass reportedly ran out of cash to pay for its subscribers’ movie tickets last week, causing an outage in the service while they secured more funding. In the meantime, the Moviepass app gave advice on which theater exit doors were the easiest to open from the outside and sneak in.

Gun control advocates are trying to stop the August 1st release of files for plastic firearms to be made on 3D printers. Terrorists are already fighting with each other over guns they’ve tried printing, since they don’t know what it means to “open door A and clear jam.”

A recruiting manager for Amazon told Business Insider the biggest mistake applicants make on their resumes is emphasizing big-name companies and lofty job titles instead of achievements. She said communicating your results is the key to Amazon picking you for a $14/hour job with 90-second timed bathroom breaks.

In Palo Alto, California, a 17-year-old boy broke into a couple’s home and demanded to use their wifi, telling one homeowner that he’d run out of cellular data. He was shoved out of the house and captured shortly thereafter, with police dubbing him The Boost Mobile Bandit.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti claims that in addition to Daniels and Playmate Karen McDougal, Donald Trump paid ‘hush money’ to at least 3 more women with whom he had sexual affairs. Avenatti is seeking to get their names, to meet his goal of having at least 4 female clients with ginormous boobs.

A woman in Scotland capturing video of a thunderstorm on her iPhone was struck by lightning, and claims that the rubber case she’d placed on the phone that day saved her life. Not only that, but she now says she can recharge her phone just by holding it.

Police in Navarro County, Texas used bulldozers to access and seize a five-acre marijuana growing compound. To ward off potential thieves, the growers had placed a scarecrow in a hammock holding an assault rifle. “Wasn’t me” confirmed NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch.

 

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Florida lifeguards treated over 800 beachgoers for jellyfish stings over three days. Because of the large volume, dozens of off-duty lifeguards had to be brought in to urinate on the victims’ wounds.

Experts suggest climate change may be responsible for the deaths of Africa’s ‘boabab’ trees, which can live up to 2,000 years. The boababs — called Trees of Life — will now be called Hospice Trees.

A 10-year-old girl from Scranton, Pennsylvania who made a viral video about being bullied was invited by the New York Yankees to Yankee Stadium for a home game. There, she was able to spend three hours hearing grown men yell at baseball players about how much they suck.

Comcast bid $65 billion to acquire most of the assets of 20th Century Fox:

  • Urging them to act soon before time runs out on this great deal.
  • Fox turned down the initial bid, so Comcast offered to throw in 6 months of Starz.
  • Comcast said $65 billion was the opening bid, but that the rate would go up in a couple of months.

Wednesday marks the first day of legal sports betting in New Jersey. The NJ state government is looking for qualified concrete workers and boat operators to deal with bettors who can’t pay up.

Nintendo of America presented its future games and business plans at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. The biggest surprise was an announcement from Princess Peach that Bowser has been terminated from all future games for his repeated history of inappropriate conduct toward women.

Former Trump adviser and “fixer” Michael Cohen has parted ways with his legal team. A source said that the separation was the result of a fee dispute – specifically, the porn stars that Cohen offered for payment were too old.

Moviepass now has over three million subscribers, most of whom were still too busy to see ‘Solo’.

Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages. Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

California is exploring splitting into three separate states: Northern California; Southern California; and New California. It’s still a long way from reality, as it would need to be ratified by voters and approved by Congress, the Bloods and the Crips.

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Matt Gaetz flipped off

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz posted a photo with a group of sixth graders, and a young girl is giving him the middle finger in the background. Her mother apologized, while the girl’s Political Action Committee has raised $2 million for her to run against Gaetz.

A 19-year-old UK girl was sentenced to 11 years in prison for stabbing her male partner while they had sex. Officials say they’ll now add this story to ‘perils of drunk driving’ when reviewing prom night safety.

Cinema subscription service Moviepass returned to its original one-movie-a-day value proposition, after briefly experimenting with a ‘four-movies-a-month, plus we pay you twenty bucks for sitting through I Feel Pretty’ offer.

Los Angeles-based Carmar Denim is selling Extreme Cut Out Jeans for $168. Finally, you can get into a girl’s pants just by looking at them.

  • “Is that a clitoris in your pants or are you just happy….wait, yep, it is I can see it from here.”

cutout jeans

The doors of a Brinks armored truck flew open on an interstate highway near Indianapolis, sending hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash spilling on to the highway. Some motorists stopped, but most said “no thanks, I’m still leaving Indianapolis”.

Twitter was hacked and requested that all users change their passwords. President Trump convened a staff meeting to determine if he’s up to Password2 or Password3.

Trump, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s comments about his reimbursement of Michael Cohen’s payments to Stormy Daniels, said Giuliani “needs to get his facts straight.” Although the point at which Trump lawyers get their facts straight is the time that they stop working for Trump.

Trump also said that the site and date of a summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been finalized, but he won’t say where it is because Gymboree doesn’t confirm events until the deposit check clears.

Meghan Markle’s father will walk her down the aisle for her wedding to Britain’s Prince Harry, following an evaluation by Buckingham Palace to determine if he was boring enough.

Scientists who deleted an enzyme called NAMPT in laboratory mice have made the mice “completely resistant” to obesity while still consuming a high-fat diet. The mice celebrated by returning to Chipotle for the first time in weeks.

  • The study did not elaborate on NAMPT, with scientists stating only that the ‘A’ stands for Arby’s.

 

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126 pounds of methamphetamine were found and seized in a truck hauling Starbucks products in Washington state. Starbucks has delayed the Seattle test launch of the Caramel Mocha Crankuccino.

Katy Perry met Pope Francis. She was assigned ten Hail Marys for kissing a girl and liking it.

A judge ordered a 90-day delay in Stormy Daniels’ lawsuit against Trump attorney Michael Cohen, citing Cohen’s possible indictment on federal crimes. Her attorney plans to appeal for a speedier trial, but just in case, Daniels plans to use the 90 days to shoot 120 new movies.

France’s First Lady Brigitte Macron said of her U.S. counterpart Melania Trump, she’s “really fun”, but “can’t go outside”. Macron was referring to the heavy security surrounding Mrs. Trump, but also recalled Melania becoming frustrated after 10 minutes of trying to pull open a sliding door.

A Vietnam Airlines flight crew was suspended for landing on a closed runway at Cam Ranh Airport, stranding passengers since the new, under-construction runway isn’t connected to any others. Several passengers called the delay their Vietnam.

McDonald’s surprised analysts with 1st-quarter earnings that beat expectations, and with at least two-dozen hot fries that spilled out of the container into the bottom of the bag.

Avengers – Infinity War posted $250 million in ticket sales on opening weekend, the biggest in U.S. cinema history. Cheapskates with Moviepass broke their own records sitting through junk after they couldn’t get into Infinity War.

Sprint and T-Mobile agreed to a $26 Billion merger, creating the world’s largest provider of dropped calls.

President Trump thanked U.S. Paralympic athletes for their performance in the Winter Games in South Korea, but curiously mentioned that the games were “tough to watch” – since he didn’t know the numbers for any channels other than Fox News.

One of the jurors in the Bill Cosby trial spoke to Good Morning America, saying one of the keys to his conviction was a 2005 deposition in which the actor admitted to giving quaaludes to women. And that one of the other keys was Cosby doing it about fifty or so times.

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NASA states that an asteroid may pass by Earth during Sunday’s Super Bowl. But, since the asteroid is expected to miss everybody by 2.9 million miles, they’re naming it Third String Quarterback.

President Trump called out Jay-Z on Twitter about Trump’s policy contributions to low black unemployment, while Jay-Z said that Omarosa and Ben Carson cancel each other out.

Casino mogul and accused sexual predator Steve Wynn stepped down as Finance Chairman of the Republican National Committee – in what Democrats are privately calling a Wynn-Win.

James Franco was removed from the cover of Vanity Fair‘s Hollywood issue due to his sexual misconduct allegations. However, Vanity Fair said they’d consider putting him on a future cover if he wants to pose topless & eight months pregnant.

Talentless blowhard Piers Morgan tweeted a ‘teaser’ of his interview with President Donald Trump, wherein Trump declares that he’s ‘not a feminist’. Trump believes instead of males being feminists, women should be self reliant, grabbing themselves by the pussy and pulling themselves up.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio fired his Chief of Staff Clint Reed over ‘improper relations with subordinates’. When presented with the facts, there was really Little Marco could do.

Replacing the refrigerators on Air Force One will cost taxpayers $24 million in parts & labor, and $50 million a year in Diet Coke and Haagen-Dazs.

Elon Musk’s The Boring Company is accepting preorders for a $500 flame thrower. A portion of the proceeds will go to awareness and prevention of really unique suicides.

Monthly movie theater subscription service MoviePass pulled out of support for some of AMC Theaters highest-traffic cinemas in the hope AMC will sweeten its deal terms, and because MoviePass found out the popcorn they serve was made weeks ago.

SpaceX is scheduled to launch the Falcon Heavy – the world’s largest rocket – in early February. The rocket is powerful enough to send humans to Mars, although its maiden launch will carry a dummy payload. Eric Trump said he can’t wait for his family’s space vacation next week.