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Wells Fargo Bank fired over a dozen employees for “simulation of keyboard activity” – using tools to move their mouse to pretend like they’re working. Meanwhile, Comcast/Xfinity gave 10-year anniversary plaques to dozens of call center employees for “simulation of customer service activity”.

Pro golfer Rory McIlroy issued a statement calling off his reported divorce from wife Erica Stoll. McIlroy is taking a marriage mulligan, and Stoll found her lost balls.

Jennifer Lopez called Ben Affleck – who she’s rumored to be divorcing – her “hero” on Father’s Day. Like many other superheroes, Affleck plans to disappear for weeks at a time and then return to Lopez only when she really needs it.

The former home of late comedian Richard Pryor – where he once suffered burns while freebasing cocaine – sold for $3.6 million. It was originally listed for $4.2 million but the current owner agreed to a fire sale.

Israel President Netanyahu dissolved the nation’s war cabinet after two officials quit, saying he has no long-term plan for Gaza. Netanyahu said he’ll have a great plan after he consults with the liquor cabinet.

Police in Bucks County, Pennsylvania opened a death investigation after being asked to do a welfare check on a resident. The welfare check report was listed as “not great”.

The Surgeon General wants a cigarette-style warning applied to social media platforms. Although some are saying it’s too late, and that kids are already trying both to look cool.

Kanye West’s former assistant – suing him for sexual harassment – claims he sent her a series of explicit texts, including one saying he took Viagra and had sex with an A-list Hollywood star for 3 hours. West defended the text, saying he needed to let the assistant know she should call 911 if his erection lasted four hours.

The Birmingham Stallions defeated the San Antonio Brahmas 25-0 in the United Football League’s inagural Championship Game before a paid attendance of 27, 396 fans – the largest crowd ever paid to watch a football game.

40% of Americans responding to a dating poll said they believed in ‘hypergamy’ – dating someone in a higher socioeconomic status to improve their own life. Hypergamy has two basic forms: Sugardaddamy and Sugarmommamy.

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Google will soon make their proprietary AI photo-editing tools available to all iPhone & Android users, making it easier than ever to cut your exes and dead relatives out of group photos you look great in.

A possible meteor sighting was recorded over parts of Pennsylvania & New Jersey, but first astronomers want to check with the FAA to make sure it wasn’t part of a Boeing jet crashing to earth.

Jessica Sawicki, a 37-year-old English teacher in Hamilton, New Jersey, allegedly had sex multiple times with an underage student at Assunpink Wildlife Area – where her student saw a lot of both.

Beyonce became the first black artist to reach Number 1 on the Billboard Hot Country Album and Billboard 200 Album charts simultaneously. She plans to celebrate Morgan Wallen-style by tossing a chair off of a Nashville rooftop.

The U.S. Postal Service plans to increase the price of first class Forever stamps to 73 cents – forcing fixed-income grandparents to downgrade money in their grandkids birthday cards from five dollars to four.

Track & field athletes will get paid at the Paris Summer Olympics. Gold medal relay teams will split $50,000, and race-walkers will get a few bucks just because organizers feel bad about how ridiculous they look.

The owner of Sis Sweets Cookies & Cafe in Kansas believes she lost a $4,000 diamond in the dough of cookies she made. Regular customers are spending a lot more time in the Sis Sweets restrooms poking around.

The NFL is allowing teams to have a third helmet design. This is so teams can wear and merchandise more alternate & throwback designs, and so the question “what color helmet were you wearing?” can be added to the concussion protocol.

O.J. Simpson passed away at age 76 after a battle with cancer. The Buffalo Bills announced they’ll lower their championship flags to half mast if they ever get them.

The Coast Guard rescued three people from a remote Pacific Island after they spelled out ‘HELP’ with palm leaves. Then the Coast Guard left after being told the message was for the DoorDash boat.

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Historians have traced the romantic act of kissing on the lips as far back as 4,500 years, which is also when they discovery date of the first-ever Friend Zone.

The White House briefed lawmakers on a ‘serious national security threat’ related to Russia. They wouldn’t provide specifics, but said the threat probably had a Big Mac and Diet Coke for lunch before it went golfing.

Singles are reportedly sick of dating apps, and are increasingly attending in-person singles mixers to find partners. For their part, Tinder and Grindr say the “singles mixers” they help set up are still going strong.

The inventor of Pop-Tarts has died. He chose not to be cremated, but lightly browned.

Waymo, the self-driving car division of Google, recalled software after two of its vehicles struck the same truck. The truck had apparently cut them both off, spurring robot rage.

A sinkhole in Wilmington, Delaware partiallly swallowed a United States Postal Service truck. Fortunately, the rats living beneath the street were able to retrieve their Priority Mail packages themselves.

Two moms who work at McDonald’s are suing, because they say their break time is insufficient to pump breast milk, and that there’s no private place to do it. They also say they’re tired of managers suggesting they put any extra in the McFlurry machine.

A former Penn State University professor who’d already been arrested for having sex with his pet collie was arrested again for nudity in a public park with a tree branch and a Tootsie Pop in his rectum. Meanwhile, the collie just wants to move on with her life.

Rachel Dolezal, a white woman who famously identified as black, was fired from an elementary school teaching job over her OnlyFans account. She’s also confusing the OnlyFans customers who find her in the Ebony section.

The U.S. Government is looking to sell the seized $300 million yacht of a Russian oligarch because it costs $600,000 per month to maintain – including cleaning, marina rental, and feeding 200 prostitutes.

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Florida passed a law barring children aged 16 & under from using social media. It’s estimated the law will cost the state over a billion dollars in tourism revenue from pedophiles.

Paramount’s CEO said layoffs are coming . He’s calling the plan Paramount Minus.

Dietitians listed four changes people can make for a healthier brain: eating more fiber, polyphenols, probiotics, and herbs & spices. Zombies are advised to look for brains from people who follow these guidelines.

A Kansas teen was stabbed with pliers hooked on his belt after he fell while shoveling snow. Doctors successfully removed the pliers with a wrench the teen let them borrow.

Khloe Kardashian’s baby daddy Tristan Thompson was suspended from the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers for violating the league’s drug policy. He’ll miss 25 games and, more importantly, all the groupies at the team hotel.

A Ukrainian-born model won the Miss Japan Pageant. Paageant officials are considering changing it to the Miss Made In Japan Pageant.

The NFL’s Atlanta Falcons picked Raheem Morris as their new head coach, despite interviewing Bill Belichick twice. Belichick’s agents are now pursuing a job on an NFL pregame show where he gets paid to not give his opinion about anything.

Taylor Swift is furious that AI-generated deepfake porn images are circulating with her likeness. She’s considering legal action, or creating her own Deepfake Porn (Taylor’s Version).

99-year-old competitive swimmer Betty Brussel broke multiple world records in the 100-plus age class, including the 400-meter freestyle, where she shattered the old record of “rescued from drowning after 375 meters”.

Hugh Hefner’s widow Crystal Hefner claims in her new memoir that he was bad in bed. And even worse in hospital bed.

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1 in 10 teens worldwide have used over-the-counter diet pills or another ineffective weight loss method. The other 9 are good at using photo filters on their phone.

Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are parting ways after 24 seasons. This decision is killing owner Robert Kraft, who was hoping for a happy ending.

Chris Christie is ending his Presidential campaign. Christie had plenty of money for campaign ads, but the cost of jet fuel and catering crippled his budget.

GOP candidate Nikki Haley said people in their 20s should expect to work into their 70s because she’d raise the qualifying age for Social Security. Americans in their 20s took this to mean they get the next 40 or 50 years off.

Dead comedian George Carlin was ‘brought back to life’ in a new special generated by artificial intelligence. A new Larry the Cable Guy special is also planned, generated by an authentic lack of intelligence.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced a zero-alcohol version, De-Clawed.

The National Football League announced which teams will play international games next season. The Jacksonville Jaguars filed a formal objection to the league’s plans to their scheduled home game in Gaza.

Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear on ESPN’s The Pat McAfee Show for the foreseeable future. In order to dial down the controversy, Rodgers’ regularly-scheduled segment on Tuesdays will now feature InfoWars Alex Jones.

Amy Schumer shared a ‘racy’ topless selfie with “40 extra pounds”. No word on what other comedian she took the 40 pounds from.

Gen Z’ers are going on social media to say they’re “resetting” their virginity. Boomers are saying they already did it years ago.

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A new study finds ultra-processed foods can be as addictive as drugs. The study followed 200 individuals who entered rehab after Slim Jim overdoses.

During its Sugar Bowl broadcast, ESPN aired a crowd scene from New Orleans’ Bourbon Street where a woman flashed her bare breast. ESPN apologized, but said if viewers wanted to see more boobs during football, tune in to Chris Berman and Booger McFarland.

‘The Bachelorette‘ alum Rachel Lindsay’s husband Brian Abosolo filed to end their four-year marriage, after discovering she’s starring in the pilot episode of ‘The Divorcee’.

The U.S. national debt hit a record $34 trillion, leading to Joe Biden’s government credit card being rejected at Starbucks.

The NFL fined Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper $300,000 for throwing a drink on Jacksonville Jaguars fans during his team’s loss. He must also attend training at a Philadelphia Eagles game to learn how to properly throw a drink at someone.

A 13-year-old in Oklahoma claims to have ‘beaten’ Tetris, reaching level 157 before crashing the game in 38 minutes. He also broke the game’s high-score record, and the record for the longest time anyone from Oklahoma has used a computer.

A winter storm could deliver the Northeast U.S. first significant snow accumulation in 2 years. The National Grocery Store Association raised their bread & milk accumulation threat level to Code Orange.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 73 and fiancee Theresa Nist, 70, said they want all the women contestants from the show to attend their televised wedding, along with family, close friends, and several EMTs.

A Florida man was arrested after attempting to take a 4-year-old boy in Walmart, and unsuccessfully arguing with customer service for a raincheck.

Utah officials are investigating the death of a man at Salt Lake City airport who climbed into the jet engine of a parked aircraft. He had a boarding pass for a flight to Denver, and instructions from Frontier Airlines on where to sit when flying standby.