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Jury selection begins today in Donald Trump’s hush money trial. Seating the jury could take up to two weeks while they whittle down all of the candidates who ask for selfies and autographs.

Lori & George Schappell, the world’s oldest living conjoined twins, passed away at age 62. Memorial services are planned as soon as the family is done fighting with the funeral director over a 2-for-1 discount.

Roly Poly Bakery in Connecticut recalled their multigrain bread after officials issued a threat-to-life warning because it failed to list eggs as an ingredient. A grade school student who go a liverwurst sandwich made with the bread in his lunch issued their own threat-to-life warning to the parent who made it.

A&E Network premiered docuseries ‘Secrets of the Hells Angels’, detailing life inside the biker gang. The show promises to reveal innerworkings of criminal activity, initiation, and gang rituals – but unfortunately not their prize-winning chili recipe.

Scientists identified three previously-unknown species of ancient kangaroo, including one over 6 feet 6 inches tall. They were identified by skeletal remains and well-preserved basketball jerseys.

Gwen Stefani reunited with No Doubt to play Coachella on Saturday. The band was joined by pop superstar Olivia Rodrigo, and joined at other points by guys to deflect projectiles in case Stefani tried singing country songs she wrote with Blake Shelton.

New Apple Watch data finds it takes the average person 334 days to walk the equivalent of a marathon. Erroneous Apple Watch data also finds chronic masturbators complete a marathon every day.

CBS’ Sunday night telecast of Billy Joel’s 100th concert at Madison Square Garden started late, and was cut off in progress as CBS affiliate stations switched to local news at 11p – leaving many viewers angry at not knowing who started the fire.

MTV is reportedly cancelling reality show ‘Siesta Key’ after 5 seasons, saying now it’s just ‘Siesta’.

A New York woman, Sandra Weir, works as a ‘wedding nanny’ – reception guests leave their children with her while they party. She charges one fee for watching the kids, and a second fee for returning them after the parents get loaded and leave without them.

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Taylor Swift’s management team filed a trademark application for ‘TaylorCon”, fueling speculation of a Taylor Swift fan festival, or a conference where thousands of women can join together and sing about getting dumped.

Facebook turned 20, making it the only 20-year-old you know that actually spends time on Facebook.

UV nail polish dryers in salons were found to potentially cause cancer and changes to DNA. The DNA changes were so profound, some men getting manicures opted for long nails before singing and dancing while dressed as women.

Donald Trump asked his social media followers if he looks like Elvis. Many replied that he does, because they could see him having a fatal heart attack on the toilet.

Spectrum passed Comcast to become the U.S. biggest cable company, mainly because more customers are disconnecting from Comcast. Comcast responded by scheduling its first available disconnect appointments to September 2026.

An ‘atmospheric river’ could deliver up to 10 inches of rain in parts of California. Many San Francisco residents said they’d never had 10 inches, but would consider it.

Following a devastating fire, repairs are nearing completion at Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. A spokesperson for the Catholic Church said they hope to be open and molesting altar boys three weeks before Christmas.

While Patrick Mahomes seeks his 3rd Super Bowl ring with the Kansas City Chiefs, his father Patrick Mahomes Sr was arrested for his 3rd DUI, and received his 3rd pair of silver bracelets.

‘Jersey Shore’ Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino shared a video of saving his three-year-old son Romeo after he began choking on gnocchi. Sorrentino dislodged the gnocchi by striking Romeo in the back, without a second to spare after taking two minutes to remove his son’s four gold chains.

Researchers find that a switch to a vegan diet rapidly impacts the immune system. Specifically, the immune system wants to leave so it doesn’t have to keep hearing its person talk about becoming a vegan for the 1000th time.

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Miami Beach declared a State Of Emergency following a wave of Spring Break violence. Police continue to monitor a crisis at the MTV Beach House where Vanilla Ice and Color Me Badd have so far refused to release hostages.

Indiana’s GOP Governor Mike Holcomb vetoed a bill banning transgender athletes from school sports – which has nothing to do with his daughter being one home run away from her school’s softball season record.

The body of a man missing for 10 years was found in the freezer of an abandoned London pub. Anyone who ordered the Shepherds Pie in 2012 is advised to get checked out.

Video shows a preschool teacher leading 4-year-olds in an anti-Joe Biden chant – followed by several of the kids complaining that they’re not learning anything in Ms. Palin’s class.

A tornado touched down at a Walmart in Texas. As employees and shoppers ran for cover, the tornado looted several big-screen TVs.

IQAir, a company tracking global air quality, ranked Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands & French New Caledonia as the best. The worst are India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and the ladies room of The View.

Kylie Jenner announced her new son with Travis Scott is no longer named Wolf, because it didn’t feel like it suited him, and because it’s too difficult to spell.

The District Of Columbia sued Grubhub for “deceptive trade practices”, such as excessive fees, and promising food would arrive hot and free of spit.

Over 100,000 Android phone users have been hacked by a Facebook-password-stealing app Craftsart Cartoon Photo Tools. The app turns your pics into a cartoon of you complaining that your nudes just got sent to all of your Facebook friends.

David Rush broke the Guinness World Record by ‘fist-bumping’ 152 people in a minute – a feat made more impressive because many participants kept forgetting and tried shaking his hand instead.

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The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service declared the ivory-billed woodpecker officially extinct. 22 other lesser-known species were also named extinct, but nobody cares because they never got their own cartoon.

Former ‘Even Stevens’ star Christy Carlson Romano said she blew much of her Disney Channel earnings on psychic readings and crystals. Though she remains conflicted, since her psychic predicted she’d be really bad with money.

President Biden cancelled a trip to Chicago, saying he’ll remain in Washington to see his economic agenda get murdered, instead.

Lava continued to erupt from Spain’s La Palma volcano, flowing into the sea and releasing toxic gas – more lethal than a Monday morning after Sunday night three-bean paella suppers.

600 United Airlines employees face termination for defying the company’s vaccine mandate. The company is asking for their attention while they’re directed to the front & rear exits of Human Resources.

Starbucks, Panera & Dunkin are offering free coffee on National Coffee Day – but they’re each charging $5 to use the restroom.

37% of people infected with COVID-19 show symptoms six months later, according to the phone calls they make to their jobs asking for Friday off.

An Illinois man died of rabies from a bat bite. His family started a GoFundMe to buy him a black cape and a coffin he can sleep in during daytime.

‘No Time To Die‘ premieres after a long delay. It shows a busy James Bond getting vaccinated in the middle of a fistfight with unmasked bad guys.

MTV is planning a new ‘Teen Mom‘ spinoff featuring show alum & porn star Farrah Abraham, titled ‘Adult Skank‘.

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Harrison Ford injured his shoulder rehearsing a fight scene for the upcoming Indiana Jones movie. Short Round’s jaw was unhurt.

The new CEO of Southwest Airlines said they’ll continue their policy of no fees for checked bags or ticket changes, saying they have dozens of other ways to piss off passengers.

Original Beach Boys member Mike Love said one of their classic love songs was inspired by a jar of honey in a cabinet. It was Beebara Ann.

MTV is reviving VH1’s ‘Behind The Music’, with episodes devoted to Duran Duran, New Kids On The Block, Ricky Martin, and others. An executive producer for the show said “for the last time, Color Me Badd, NO one cares”.

Britney Spears appeared in court via Zoom, asking a judge to end her conservatorship and allow her to manage her own money, since she’s mentally stable and mature. Spears testified for 20 minutes, the first 15 talking to a toaster oven.

Fast food restaurants are deemphasizing dollar menus, and pushing higher-priced burgers and ‘family meals’. Although so far, demand has been slow for McDonald’s 1000-piece McNuggets box.

The delta variant of COVID-19 has a new mutation called ‘delta plus’. It’s like the standard delta variant, only with more legroom.

Joe Biden nominated Cindy McCain to a United Nations post to combat global hunger. He then nominated Meghan McCain to bring Resting Bitch Face to women in third-world countries.

Google delayed its Chrome browser cookie-blocking privacy plan by 2 years, saying it needs more time to steal the personal information of people born in the next 2 years.

John McAfee, antivirus software mogul, was found dead of an apparent suicide in a Spanish jail before he was extradited to the U.S. to face tax evasion charges. Next to his body were 12 notes reading “WARNING! Your protection has expired!”

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Officials in Delaware report more cases of Vibrio vulnificus – a flesh-eating bacteria infecting those with open cuts swimming or wading at beaches. Officials say the problem is biggest in Delaware because bacteria there like to eat when they’re bored.

Nintendo will launch its newest mobile phone & tablet game, Dr. Mario World, on July 10th. They say revenue will come from in-game purchases and that, like many others, Dr. Mario will not accept new patients with Obamacare.

Federal agents seized 16 tons of cocaine at a shipping port in Philadelphia. There was so much, they asked Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to help move it – resulting in all evidence being lost or destroyed. C

The latest dating trend is “cookie jarring” – keeping a non-serious backup romance in a ‘cookie jar’ as a fallback while you pursue a first choice. Women especially dislike being kept in the cookie jar – while men are fine with it, provided the cookies come with sex.

Retired baseball star & convicted felon Lenny Dykstra was dumpster diving outside a Jersey Mike’s sub shop because he left his dentures in a napkin that the restaurant threw out. He was joined by other Jersey Mike’s customers looking for their lost self-respect.

Google announced a commitment to invest $1 billion in Bay Area, California to help build 15,000 new homes for low-to-medium income residents – so, anyone who only makes a half-million dollars a year.

Viral video captured the moment a flight attendant was slammed into the ceiling of a jet during severe turbulence en route from Kosovo to Switzerland. The flight attendant is said to be okay, while the passenger shooting the video still wants his damn Diet Coke.

Coca-Cola is holding a contest for the public to come up with its next flavor. The early frontrunner is Original Cocaine flavor, because they already have the recipe.

Brett Favre was trending on Twitter as rumors circulated about his coming out of retirement. He said he’s staying retired, but wanted everyone to know that he came up with the whole ‘show your penis to massage therapists’ thing long before Robert Kraft.

MTV announced the cancellation after one season of “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club”, and that the Mykonos, Greece nightclub location for the show is closed. VH1 announced the premiere date for their new show, “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Is Closed”.

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Pepperidge Farm is voluntarily recalling more than 3 million packages of goldfish crackers over possible tainting from salmonella. No illnesses in children have been reported, but a lot of moms and nannies are pretty sick.

Gun control advocates are concerned that recent State Department decisions will allow anyone to make a working plastic firearm using a 3D printer.  Their concerns are echoed by employees at Staples, who are being bombarded with questions by customers wondering which toner they need to buy to make bullets.

President Trump tweeted that he’s concerned about potential Russian interference in upcoming U.S. elections, adding that since he’s so “tough on Russia”, the Russians “won’t want Trump”. 30 million U.S. voters now have something in common with Russia.

Officials in California are searching for former MTV “Be an MTV VJ!” contest winner Jesse Camp, who has been reported missing by his family. They were hoping he’d show up right after this World Premiere Video from White Lion, but it didn’t happen.

Ivanka Trump is shutting down her namesake fashion brand. Impacted textile workers will be offered retraining, or as they call it in Indonesia, elementary school.

A North Carolina woman is warning that a “callus cutter” used in conjunction with her pedicure caused an infection that almost forced the removal of her leg.  A spokesperson for the salon said that either way, the callus is gone.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl in Memphis is blaming her daughter’s emergency gallbladder removal on her four-bag-a-day Hot Cheetos habit. Medical experts dispute the mother’s claim, but surgeons said it was the dustiest, orange-est gall bladder they’ve ever seen.

Police are warning against a “super dangerous” dance challenge. Popular entertainer Shiggy posted a video dancing in the middle of the street to Drake’s ‘In My Feelings’; other Instagrammers have tried to top him by doing the same, or dancing while stepping out of moving cars. Police ask you to call 911 if you see someone dancing dangerously, and they’ll respond and shoot them.

Thousands of people signed a petition to have the Netflix series “Insatiable” canceled. The show chronicles an overweight bullied girl who slims down and then takes revenge on her tormentors. Netflix has not replied directly to the fat-shaming accusations, but says it has always encouraged binging.

WWE star Nikki Bella has called off her wedding to fellow wrestler and actor John Cena. The couple and their fans are heartbroken, but are hopeful they can pull it back together in time for Nuptialmania.

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Jennifer McIver, a Colorado Mom, shared a story on Facebook about her 3-year-old daughter locking herself in their new LG front-loading washing machine, and her 4-year-old son starting it. The daughter was unhurt, but they’re asking LG to put locks on washer doors. The son was rewarded for washing his sister on Delicate, but she came out with even bigger stains on her pants than when she went in.

A 27-year-old woman went into labor while riding Kilimanjaro Safaris at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. She delivered the baby shortly thereafter via FastPass, but two triplet siblings were told to expect at least a 90-minute wait.

Tinder – which doesn’t allow daters to send photos to each other – are conducting a test in Canada and Mexico where users can send personal Bitmoji to one another. Tinder users are busily figuring out how to create Bitmoji of their genitals and breasts.

Microsoft and Walmart announced a strategic partnership to take on Amazon in technology and retail. It’s called Let’s Spend Billions And Still Lose.

Do Thi Duc, a researcher in Berlin, studied 208 million public transactions made over Venmo during the past year, because most users never change the default setting that makes activity public. Nearly 3 million transactions involved pizza, and 10 million involved the weed emoji, so she assumed they were payments to landscapers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin presented U.S. President Donald Trump with a ceremonial World Cup soccer ball at a joint press conference. Trump tossed it to his wife, marking the first time Melania handled one of Trump’s balls since conceiving Barron.

Archaeologists in Jordan found what they claim is 14,000-year-old flatbread – which went uneaten because everyone at dinner was on the Paleo diet.

Netflix posted disappointing results, adding only 674,000 new subscribers in the second quarter, versus a forecast of 1.2 million. Shareholders rated it one star and skipped to the third quarter episode.

Fans were shocked as MTV snubbed Taylor Swift in all major categories of its Video Music Awards. Her fans stated their intent to stop watching music videos on MTV, in the event they ever start showing them again.

An airborne blob of lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano struck a lava-watching tour boat off the eastern coast of Hawaii’s big island, injuring 23 people but really giving them their money’s worth.

 

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Walmart will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at checkout aisles in response to complaints from the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, who believes the magazine degrades women. Walmart is still evaluating whether or not to display Weekly World News, following complaints that it’s degrading to half-man/half-monkey creatures.

Chicago Cubs star Kyle Schwarber is posting great stats in spring training after shedding 30 pounds in the offseason. Schwarber attributes the change to exercise, diet, and only having steroids on his ‘cheat day’.

Apple introduced new products at an event on Tuesday, including a $299 budget iPad for students, that includes the Apple Pencil for drawing. Apple said the product is the result of research showing how much students like to take photos and draw penises on them.

Self-driving car company Waymo introduced what it calls the first “premium” self-driving car, a Jaguar iPACE. The high-end SUV is wide enough to run over several pedestrians at once, and drive itself to the shop for bodywork before anyone notices.

A local Planned Parenthood chapter came under fire from pro-life conservatives for a tweet that read “we need a Disney princess that’s had an abortion.” Also under fire? Prince Charming for replying “then what did I give Cinderella the money for?”

President Trump is suggesting that funding for the controversial Mexican border wall be funded from the U.S. Military budget. A government procurement worker is thrilled because he found a great deal on bricks for $50 each.

Reality star Farrah Abraham settled her $5 million lawsuit against Viacom, claiming that the company dropped her from MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ and “sex shamed” her for doing porn. An MTV spokesperson said ‘Teen Mom’ cast members’ sex lives are “none of our business…after they finish 10th grade, anyway.”

Johnny Manziel, one-time ‘Johnny Football’, met with several NFL teams regarding a possible comeback – then finished the meetings and returned to work as Johnny Pizza.

Peyton Manning reportedly turned down Fox Sports’ offer to announce Thursday Night Football, due to Fox’s request that they also project the instant replays on his forehead.

Facebook announced initiatives to make 3 major changes to their Privacy Settings, labeling them Hard, Harder, and Hardest.