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Chevy Chase was uninjured after falling off a stage during an appearance in Buffalo. Chase has also fallen off of consideration for every movie & TV project in Hollywood.

Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott apologized for using the 9/11 terrorists as an example of teamwork in a 2019 meeting with players. He then added that he hates both the terrorists and their New York Jets.

A 6-year-old New Jersey girl is now one of the youngest members of Mensa – although New Jersey Mensa chapters only require members to know which fast food restaurants are at which New Jersey Turnpike rest stop.

Paris Hilton explained why she didn’t change her son’s diapers for the first month after his arrival. She said she’d paid extra to the surrogate who delivered him for a 30-day extended service contract.

Vladimir Putin said he’ll run for President of Russia once again in the 2024 election. Russian tv networks are having trouble setting up debates because they don’t know when other candidates will recover from being poisoned.

Dollar General is cutting back on its use of self-checkouts, saying their regular customers struggle multiplying the number of items in their cart by $1.

National Geographic unveiled their 2023 Pictures Of The Year – and once again none of them are a centerfold.

Former U.S. Representative Tom Suozzi is the Democratic nominee in a Special Election to replace expelled New York congressman George Santos. He’ll take on the GOP nominee, a mysterious cabaret performer & socialite Egroegia Sotnas.

A viral TikTok shows a man boarding a Spirit Airlines flight wearing a parachute. He stowed it, because he’d brought it to go skydiving at his destination. However, no explanation was given why the flight’s pilot & co-pilot also wore parachutes.

Privacy advocates are advising Instagram users to make their accounts private, since public images are being used to train parent company Meta’s A.I. image generator. It may be too late, since the A.I. can now draw every Kardashian woman’s breasts from memory.

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The CEO of cryptocurrency exchange Binance resigned after they were slapped with $4 billion in fines for money laundering and other illegal activities. They were also warned not to try paying the $4 billion with Dogecoin.

A mystery respiratory illness is spreading among dogs and baffling veterinarians. Vets are frantically contact-tracing to see if sick dogs sniffed the same infected butt.

Martha Stewart said she didn’t ‘cancel Thanksgiving’ after claiming she was “turkeyed out” on The Kelly Clarkson Show. Stewart stated she’s baking lemon tarts, cranberry tarts, chocolate pecan pies, pecan pies, pumpkin pies and a 20-pound bird. And boy, are her 30 assistants tired.

With Elon Musk allowing antisemitic and anti-Muslim comments on X, Paris Hilton’s media company pulled their advertising from the platform. But first, Paris asked her assistants to spell X just to make sure she was boycotting the right app.

American Airlines responded to viral video of a passenger’s wheelchair crashing on to the Miami International Airport tarmac as baggage handlers looked on. American assured everyone their baggage workers were far more careful handling the paraplegic who also flew to Miami in the cargo hold.

A woman flying from Florida to Philadelphia aboard Frontier Airlines pulled down her pants and threatened to urinate in the aisle because a flight attendant wouldn’t allow her to use the restroom. Since the woman wouldn’t pay Frontier Airlines $29, she had to wait and use the bucket like everyone else.

Susan Sarandon was dropped by her talent agency for remarks she made at a pro-Palensinian rally. Producers now have to recast and scrap two weeks of filming on Bad Moms Hanukkah.

Oprah Winfrey’s bestie Gayle King revealed on The Drew Barrymore Show that King’s former friend was secretly collecting $50,000 to set up meetings with her. She discovered it when the friend spilled her purse and King saw a $50,000 check from Drew Barrymore.

Daryl Hall is suing John Oates in a contract debt-related filing. Hall claims Oates is a little short.

Thousands of blue rubber balls washed up on a British beach were determined to come from a nearby power plant where they’re used to clean pipes. British men with blue balls on the beach fantasized about someone cleaning their pipes.

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Paris Hilton posted a picture of her baby son, Phoenix, then slammed online trolls for their ‘sick’ criticism of his large head. She said she’s hurt, but not as badly as Phoenix’s surrogate mother who had to squeeze the head out.

An off-duty Alaska Airlines pilot riding in the cockpit of a Horizon Air commuter jet is charged with attempted murder after trying to shut off the engines mid-flight. He said he was trained to do it to save fuel when he worked for Spirit Airlines.

Madonna told her concert audience in Belgium mid-show that she doesn’t feel well. 15,000 people told themselves she didn’t sound well, either.

Four men who stole 2 million dimes from a truck outside the U.S. Mint in Philadelphia face felony theft charges. They were apprehended at Staples trying to buy 20,000 $5 rolls to put them in.

Two women – Haley Briggs of Wayne, Pennsylvania & Krystel Alston of Ontario, California – who started as grade-school pen pals in 1980 met for the first time in 43 years, after one of them ran out of stamps.

Trump attorney Jenna Ellis pleaded guilty to Georgia election fraud charges & will testify for the prosecution against remaining defendants, including Trump. Ellis, Sydney Powell & Kenneth Cheesebro all figured they might as well plead guilty since Trump wasn’t going to pay the lawyers anyway.

Federal agents discovered over two dozen minors working illegally at an Ohio poultry processing plant. The minors did not share a lot of information, but most said they’ve pretty much sworn off chicken nuggets at this point.

Kurt Cobain’s daughter and Tony Hawk’s son were married by R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe in a civil ceremony, since all three were losing their religion.

The U.S. Department of Justice alleges that the NBA attempted to prevent Ice Cube’s ‘Big 3’ 3-on-3 basketball league from operating – allegations the NBA denies. A judge will decide whether the NBA was blocking while the DOJ is charging.

Hollywood celebrities including Tiffany Haddish, Chris Rock, Bradley Cooper & Justin Timberlake penned an open letter to President Biden to free Israeli hostages held by Hamas. Biden has received the letter, but is waiting for Larry The Cable Guy to weigh in.

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A 30-year-old Georgia substitute teacher was arrested after recording video of herself secretly masturbating in front of a second grade class. “Hey, it beats doing multiplication tables” said a student.

Suzanne Somers was doing a Facebook Live makeup tutorial with her husband when a male intruder entered her house and started talking to her. Three is apparently not “company”, but rather “misdemeanor unlawful entry”.

Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed on the terms of Donald Trump’s 2nd Impeachment Trial. Schumer agreed to keep it short, and McConnell agreed to make sure Democrats don’t get a conviction.

Hayley Hallmark, a 35-year-old Florida teacher and soccer coach, was arrested following a two-year affair with a female student. Hallmark said her goal was to show the student she cared enough to send her very best.

Paris Hilton returned to Utah to testify about alleged abuse she suffered at a private boarding school as a teenager. Hilton told legislators she was repeatedly subjected to harsh examinations to solve mathematical problems.

Mike Pence is launching a podcast, as soon as he stops getting distracted by the big, hard microphone.

Michelle Obama will star in a kids cooking show for Netflix, ‘Waffles & Mochi’. She’ll play a grocery store owner who helps two puppets – the title characters – try to become chefs despite failing to get a CARES Act small-business loan several times.

Walgreens COVID-19 vaccine signup page is reportedly crashing. The company said the website can’t handle the added volume for vaccine inquiries on top of visits from cheapskate men looking for Valentiine’s Day gifts.

Sotheby’s is selling a rare pair of Nike Hyperdunk high-top basketball sneakers designed for President Obama for $25,000. Meanwhile, Big Lots is selling Russian made MAGADunks donut-eating slippers for much less.

A GoFundMe to help Tessica Brown – the Louisiana woman who sprayed Gorilla Glue on her hair – raised over $13,000. She’ll fly to Los Angeles where a plastic surgeon will determine she forgot she’s been wearing a wig.

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HGTV’s Christina Anstead changed her Instagram profile to her maiden name, Haack, following her divorce from Ant Anstead. She also hired an exterminator to get rid of Ant’s things.

Paris Hilton said she’s begun in vitro fertilization in the hope of having twins. She said the hardest part is how cold the eggs are after she takes them out of her refrigerator.

Tuesday marked the one-year anniversary of Kobe Bryant’s death. He spent the day trashing other deceased NBA players who won’t pass him the ball.

Tyler Perry received the COVID-19 vaccine, just in time for Friday’s release of his new film: ‘Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry Gets The COVID-19 Vaccine‘.

Trans actor Elliot Page and dancer wife Emma Portner are divorcing, following three years of marriage and arguing about who wears the pants in their family.

China is rolling out COVID testing using anal swabs, saying results are more accurate. However, getting volunteers to work the test sites has gotten tougher.

Florida’s ‘Paramedic Of The Year’ was arrested for forging COVID vaccine documents and attempting to steal doses. His Paramedic Of The Year award was in recognition of getting the most phone numbers from alcohol poisoned girls during Spring Break.

Democratic and Republican Senators reached a power-sharing agreement after discussions of preserving the filibuster. Donald Trump had supported keeping the filibuster, mainly because he thought it was a four-patty Big Mac.

Research indicates using profanity helps pain tolerance. The study followed women talking to their spouses and doctors during childbirth.

Joe Biden announced the purchase of 200 million more doses of COVID vaccines. Government watchdogs condemned the purchase, saying it fell well below the 250 million threshold to qualify for free shipping.

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Novak Djokovic was disqualified from the U.S. Open Tennis Championships after unintentionally hitting a female linesperson in the throat with a ball. Remaining players that Djokovic would have beaten thanked her for ‘taking one for the team’.

Scientists say COVID-19 may cause prolonged gut infections and gastrointestinal distress, which is why they suggest changing the name from coronavirus to chalupavirus.

A black man detained while jogging in Deltona, Florida because he fit a suspect description was released and was even offered a job at the sheriff’s department. He declined, because the job was detaining random black men.

Nintendo is celebrating Super Mario’s 35th Anniversary with rereleases of several classic games. Mario is also celebrating – dumping Princess Peach for someone a lot younger.

According to unnamed workers, Disney is understating the number of positive COVID-19 cases at its parks. They’re also frantically searching for a mouthpiece long enough to put Goofy on a ventilator.

‘Beverly Hills 90210’ actor Brian Austin Green – currently separated from wife Megan Fox – bought a preschool teacher’s entire Amazon Wishlist of essential school supplies. “I didn’t order a webcam and lingerie” she said when she opened the box.

U.S. dentists are seeing an epidemic of cracked teeth during the pandemic. They cite increased tooth grinding from stress, and couples finally settling their lockdown differences with fistfights.

Facebook is offering a select group of users $120 to deactivate their accounts at the end of September through the November election. Then they need to figure out how to convert the dollars to rubles.

Paris Hilton claims in a new YouTube documentary about her life that she was physically and emotionally abused at a Utah boarding school. However, her roommates say the same thing about having to listen to her sing and DJ.

Facebook has stopped Alain Cocq, a 57-year-old French man, from livestreaming his dying days from an incurable illness. Mark Zuckerberg justified the action, saying there are plenty of other sites where you can see sick Cocqs.