By |

A woman trading in an iPhone 7 at T-Mobile is suing the carrier, saying store employees looked through her photos, found a private nude video she’d made, and watched it. The employees said that, like the phone, it took up a lot of their memory.

  • The employees also said that although the phone was an iPhone 7, the nude woman was closer to an iPhone 5.

Philadelphia Eagles wideout Alshon Jeffery, who dropped a pass that possibly lost the team’s NFC playoff game, visited a 2nd grade class who had written him letters. He thanked most of the children, but wanted to know where one of them learned the language used in the letter.

Microsoft pledged $500 million to create affordable housing around Seattle, then laid off 10,000 workers to build it.

Coinstar machines will sell Bitcoin  – finally giving savvy individuals with empty Ragu jars full of loose change in Walmart lobbies the perfect investment for them.

An Irish man was admitted to a hospital after repeatedly injecting himself with his own semen in an effort to cure his back pain. While in the hospital, he kept asking nurses if their back hurt.

Netflix added 8.8 million subscribers in the recent fiscal quarter, and says it now accounts for 10 percent of U.S. screen time, trailing only cable’s 15% and porn’s 75%.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen claims he paid a company to inflate online polls in favor of Trump in the run-up to the 2016 election – this, in addition to paying women to keep quiet about inflating Trump’s pole.

A source tells People magazine that Jeff & MacKenzie Bezos plan to be “adult” about their divorce, and will share parenting of their children with each other and Alexa.

M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie debuted to brutal reviews – critics agree ‘Glass’ blows.

A 29-year-old Texas woman pretended to be autistic in order to con a caregiver into sex.  The caregiver grew suspicious when the woman didn’t insist on having sex an even number of times.

By |

The eastern span of New York’s Tappan Zee Bridge was imploded, falling in to the Hudson River. Dive crews began the lengthy process of retrieving all of the bodies poured in to the bridge’s now-shattered concrete pillars 60 years ago.

Taco Bell will test a vegetarian menu at select stores; the locations will be chosen just as soon as they can figure out where all of the broke vegetarians live.

A Federal judge struck down the Trump Administration’s plan to add a U.S. citizenship question to the 2020 census, despite the Administration’s offer to reward specially-selected non-citizens with a free trip to Mexico.

Chipotle debuts its Lifestyle Bowls for Keto, Paleo & Whole30 diets today – they’ll be sold along with their most successful weight-loss item, E.coli.

Netflix announced price increases for all of its subscription plans, with the price of its most popular plan increasing to $13. When angry customers call Netflix and threaten to go back to cable, the operators put them on hold so they can laugh.

Lifeway Research surveyed 2000 adults age 23-30 who attended Protestant churches in high school,  and found that two-thirds of them had stopped going. The main reasons were “life changes”, “pastor or church related reasons”, and “terrible wifi”.

President Trump was lambasted for misspelling hamburgers ‘hamberders’ in a post to Twitter. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders sprung to his defense, saying Trump obviously meant to write ‘frankferders’.

A Goodyear survey of young adults found that only 51% of millennials can correctly identify the low-tire-pressure light on a car dashboard, while 88% can correctly identify emojis. Car makers plan to create a low-tire-pressure emoji and text it to young adults while they’re driving.

Gymboree plans to declare bankruptcy and close all of its 900 children’s clothing stores. Beleaguered store managers are preparing for one last wave of toddler girls at the Going Out of Business sale slugging it out for that cute outfit they’ve been eyeing.

Walmart acquired plus-size clothing brand Eloquii for $100 million; Eloquii makes clothing exclusively in women’s sizes 14 and above. To align with Walmart shoppers preferences, they’ll rebrand Eloquii items as ‘Medium’.

 

By |

Captain Travis Zettel – commander of navy submarine USS Bremerton – was relieved of his duty after admitting to hiring prostitutes in the Philippines. This, despite Captain Zettel saving thousands of dollars he would have spent hiring them in Hawaii.

SpaceX announced it’s laying off 10% of its workforce, or about 700 employees, creating XtraSpaceX.

Hawaiian Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard announced she’s running for President in 2020 – making her an even bigger household name.

A Florida surgeon was fined $3,000 for removing a woman’s kidney that he thought was a tumor. Even worse, he was performing brain surgery.

Asymmetric jeans – with one fitted leg and one narrow leg – may be the next big style trend in women’s fashion. Most women agree they look ridiculous, but appreciate having to struggle with just one leg of them.

A 21-year-old male hide-and-seek player was found dead in an elevator shaft in an abandoned Detroit building the morning after the other players had gone home. He was posthumously declared the winner.

President Trump reportedly berated acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney in a meeting with Congressional Democrats regarding border security, saying “you just f**ked it all up”.  Trump overheard Mulvaney ordering Quarter Pounders instead of Big Macs from Uber Eats.

The Who announced 2019 summer tour dates. Or, as they’re known to anyone under 30, The Who?

A photo of an egg became the most-liked photo on Instagram with 23 million likes, surpassing the 18+ million likes from Kylie Jenner’s birth announcement photo last February. So the egg wins, even though the chick came first.

New research contradicts earlier studies pointing to Monday morning as the most-likely time to suffer a heart attack. Of the 2,631 heart attacks studied, most happened in the afternoon — proving that many people can’t get anything done until they’ve had their morning coffee.

Twitter is launching a new beta program to gather feedback on possible new features. “Why didn’t failing Twitter pick me to test new features? SAD!” wrote an anonymous user.

A handgun went undetected through a TSA security checkpoint at the Atlanta airport, and the passenger took it with them on a flight to Tokyo. TSA is investigating how they missed the gun, as well as the 10-gallon hat, spurs, holster, and horse.

 

By |

Snoop Dogg posted a video online, saying furloughed government workers who vote for Trump in 2020 are “dumb motherf**kers”. However, Snoop is probably overestimating the willingness of Trump voters to watch an entire video featuring a black guy.

R Kelly plans to rebut claims made by women in the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ with a new website survivinglies.com . Kelly said he’ll expose all of his accusers as liars, then probably celebrate by exposing himself.

Flu vaccines administered to kids via nasal mist are only 27% effective in targeting the predominant H1N1 strain of flu – versus traditional shots, which are almost 70% effective. Doctors encountering nervous kids are advised to tell them they’re getting the vaccine in their nose, and then jab a needle in it.

John Travolta posted a pic on Instagram with his head shaved bald.  It’s believed to be the first time he’s been seen without hair — although he kept his beard, wife Kelly Preston.

Broadcast networks are deciding whether to air President Trump’s oval office address at 9pm regarding immigration and border security. CBS has decided to air the speech, assuming their viewers will think it’s just another episode of ‘NCIS’.

Chicago’s Goose Island Brewery is offering free beer for a year to anyone who can make a 43-yard field goal – like the one missed by Bears Kicker Cody Parkey in Sunday’s NFL playoff loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. No word if Parkey plans to show up and leave without winning free beer.

Bill Timmons, CEO of Hacienda HealthCare in Phoenix resigned, after a female patient who’s been in a coma for 14 years at a Hacienda facility recently gave birth. The company apologized for the terrible lapse in security and failure to throw a gender reveal party.

Experts speculate that illness experienced by U.S. Embassy workers in Havana – caused by piercing humming & grinding noises – was the result of loud crickets. Scientists matched a recording of the sound to cricket activity, and also cited the embassy’s location next to a stand-up comedy open mic.

Carnival Cruise Lines said it’s delaying a plan to start charging passengers for room service delivered to their cabin. Those who enjoy cruises say they’re used to seeing some free items on the room service menu, and that it wouldn’t hurt crew members to bring snacks while they’re in the cabin cleaning vomit.

An investor who owns 1.7% of Dollar Tree wants the store to raise profits by selling items for more than $1. Dollar Tree execs are reluctant to do so, saying cashiers’ math skills are already stretched to the limit making change for stuff costing less than $1.

By |

The rate of c-section births in the U.S. tripled over the last three decades. Doctors blame obesity, saying that obese birth mothers give them more delivery complications, like finding the baby.

A man acting as ‘Jay-Z’ in the Philadelphia Mummers Parade had come under fire for wearing blackface. His Mummers club then clarified that the man was actually black, at which point he came under fire for actually being in the Mummers Parade.

President Trump shot down a compromise budget proposal that includes $2.5 billion in border security funding, saying he needs $5.6 billion. He then shut himself in his room and refused to come out, but lawmakers weren’t worried, since that’s how he spends all of his mornings anyway.

A drunk Wisconsin man mistakenly walked in to the home of a female neighbor early Tuesday and passed out on a bed next to the woman’s 150-pound mastiff. The woman is now jealous of the dog since it was the only one in the house to sleep with a guy on New Year’s.

Presley Gerber, model/son of supermodel Cindy Crawford and husband Randy Gerber, was arrested for DUI in Beverly Hills.  Police said Gerber smelled of alcohol, and fell off the runway during his field-sobriety catwalk.

A Philadelphia man climbed atop a monument of George Washington on New Year’s Day, then fell off and impaled himself on the antlers of an elk statue at its base. The man was eventually hospitalized, after failing to convince EMTs to wait until the antlers fall off in spring.

Chipotle is introducing a new menu item, ‘Lifestyle Bowls’. The bowls help customers match ingredients with their different lifestyles, like Paleo, Keto, Whole 30, or Gay.

The Pennsylvania State Police reported that drunk driving was up on New Year’s Eve, but crashes were down. The State Police credit their educational efforts in teaching people how to drive better while drunk.

Netflix issued a warning about the viral Bird Box Challenge – recording yourself doing everyday tasks while blindfolded. They then issued a follow-up warning, clarifying that blind people are free to do whatever they want.

McDonald’s is introducing new items in order to increase early morning revenue. These include Triple Stack McMuffins, Donut Sticks, and paid tickets to use the restroom while it’s still clean.

China landed a lunar rover on the far side of the moon. Four other, faster, lunar rovers are lined up behind it honking their horns trying to pass it.

By |

Researchers at Carnegie-Mellon developed a wearable wristband that can detect when the user is experiencing an opiate overdose. The problem is that addicts keep selling their wristbands to get money for heroin.

Iggy Azalea is being criticized for finishing her song during a concert while one of her backup dancers had a seizure. “Well, seizures won’t work, you guys got any other ideas to get her to stop?” said the other dancers.

Scarlett Johansson told the Washington Post that trying to stop the use of her image in “deepfake porn” – digital placement of her face on women in sexually explicit videos – is a “lost cause”.  Producers of deepfake porn videos say they’ve tried working with Johansson, but she won’t budge on her $10 million/movie fee.

Producers of the first annual Television Sexpun Awards released their nominees, with Netflix earning two Best Picture nods for Bird Box and Bandersnatch.

An opposition leader in the Democratic Republic of Congo has complained of voting irregularities following Sunday’s Presidential Elections. Martin Fayulu claims that voting machines are rigged, and that his opponent used an extensive misinformation campaign targeted toward the four voters in the Congo with internet service.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren announced she’ll seek the Democratic nomination for President in 2020, as verified by both those on her email list, and those close enough to see the smoke signals sent from her yard.

The NFL’s Arizona Cardinals, Cincinnati Bengals, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Denver Broncos, Miami Dolphins & New York Jets all fired their head coaches after Sunday’s games, ruining plans for the teams’ human resources workers who didn’t want to work the weekend.

Fox News Channel rings in 2019 with its ‘All American New Year’ show, featuring an exclusive interview with President Trump. Trump is expected to share his New Year’s resolutions: improved fitness, diet, truth-telling and quality time with family.

Police in Minnesota who pulled over a Jimmy John’s delivery driver arrested him after finding pot inside of a wrapped sandwich. A replacement sandwich was sent, but the customer rejected it, claiming the pot was the only thing that could make him hungry enough to eat a Jimmy John’s sandwich.

Author Jordan Shapiro’s new book: ‘The New Childhood – Raising Kids to Thrive In A Connected World’, presents the viewpoint that video games, social media and smartphones are good for children. The publisher, Little/Brown, points out that Shapiro is eight years old.

 

By |

President & First Lady Donald and Melania Trump made a surprise day-after-Christmas trip to Iraq, the couple’s first visit to an active combat zone outside of their bedroom.

The President spent three hours on the ground in Iraq, shooting a 110 that he carded as a 72-stroke par.

Pennsylvania is toughening penalties for repeat drunk drivers. Second-time offenders caught driving while intoxicated will be now be required to both say – and sing – the alphabet backwards.

Lightning strikes in the Dallas area forced the cancellation of the Boise State/Boston College First Responder Bowl after just ten minutes. Organizers were worried that if someone was struck by lightning, there wouldn’t be any first responders there.

More than 3,000 patients may have been exposed to HIV and hepatitis at the HealthPlus Surgery Center in Saddle Brook, New Jersey. Although when contacted, most of them said they already had HIV or hepatitis from stepping on needles at the Jersey shore.

A father booked six flights on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so he could spend the holiday with his daughter, who was working as a flight attendant on all of them. He was upgraded to first class on one flight, dragged off another overbooked one and still hasn’t gotten his luggage.

An Oregon man became the first person to traverse Antarctica alone on foot with no assistance. “NO assistance?!” said a female penguin recalling several passionate nights.

A Michigan petting zoo is asking for residents to drop off their discarded Christmas trees so the goats can eat them.  Zookeepers said you can even leave ornaments on them that you don’t want because, screw it, they’re goats.

Police are reportedly in possession of a 2016 Snapchat video showing actor Kevin Spacey groping a busboy who’s accused the actor of sexual assault. Although Spacey is reportedly more embarrassed about 2016 video, ‘Nine Lives’ where he starred as a talking cat.

The top health question searched on Google in 2018 was “What is the keto diet?”. The second-most googled question was “What is ALS?” And the third most searched question was “If I have ALS, should I do the keto diet?”

 

By |

Italy’s Mount Etna – Europe’s tallest and most active volcano – erupted, forcing the closure of nearby Catania Airport. The volcano spewed ash and hot lava – although obnoxious Italians insist that you call it ‘gravy’.

President Trump took a phone call from a 7-year-old and asked him if ‘he was still a believer in Santa, because at 7, it’s marginal’.  The 7-year-old then asked Trump what “marginal” means, and the President replied that he didn’t know.

Melania Trump also took a phone call from a 7-year-old girl, who asked how you marry a rich slob. The First Lady told the girl if she didn’t already have her plan in place, she’s late getting started.

Regal the beagle, a canine working for U.S. Customs & Border patrol at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport, sniffed out a six-inch giant millipede in the luggage of a couple arriving from South Africa. The millipede was arrested for cocaine trafficking after a cavity search was conducted with a microscope.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the safest 2019 vehicles. Subaru topped the list with multiple vehicles, to the relief of lesbians who like to text and drive.

UFC 232’s light-heavyweight bout between Jon Jones and Alexander Gustafsson was abruptly moved from Las Vegas to Los Angeles after officials found “abnormalities” in Jones’ pre-fight drug test. The abnormality was that he actually passed it.

As of December 31st, the minimum wage in New York City for fast-food workers and businesses with 11 or more employees will increase; they’ll now receive $15/hour for spitting in tourists’ burgers.

A Kentucky man was arrested for assault after throwing a Christmas ham at a woman during an argument over when to have the family holiday dinner. The man was taken in  to custody, and several pigs living in his backyard are once again worried that one of them will need to replace the main course.

A 32-year-old Florida man was sentenced to 30 years in prison for soliciting sex from a 14-year-old girl. The suspect was arrested at a convenience store when meeting the girl, who turned out to be undercover law enforcement. “Since when are there 14-year-old girl cops?” he asked, still not quite getting it.

The NFL’s Oakland Raiders may need a temporary home in 2019, since their new Las Vegas stadium won’t be ready until 2020. Among the single-season options is Mexico City; imprisoned drug kingpin El Chapo Guzman said he’ll even let the team run on to the field from one of his tunnels.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, 41, reaffirmed his plan to continue playing in the NFL beyond the 2019 season. Brady said he has goals set for at least two more seasons, and he believes that he can achieve them with teammates’ help and referees protecting him.

 

By |

President Trump issued government shutdown threats via Twitter, saying his $5 billion border wall is effective, and that he “knows tech better than anyone.” Trump then set down his unsecured smartphone and asked Barron how the thing he’s holding makes Mario’s go-kart move on the tv.

A GoFundMe for the border wall is now one of the site’s Top 5 biggest money-raisers ever. The campaign was started by a Purple Heart recipient and triple-amputee, who echoes Trump’s sentiment that wall-climbing is hard.

Valeri Spiridonov, a Russian man in Florida suffering from a muscle-wasting disease, canceled plans to undergo the world’s first head transplant after his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Spiridonov said that at this magical time of year, it’s better to give head than receive it. [ h/t to SES ! ]

  • Meanwhile, nobody is more relieved at the transplant being called off than the donor.

Svetlana Zhakarova, a former mistress of one-time New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, claims that while his wife was away, he snuck her into his NYC apartment in a suitcase. She called the experience humiliating, but added that she swears by the quality and storage capacity of Samsonite luggage.

Amazon announced that Prime Now members who order by 9p.m. on Christmas Eve will get packages delivered before Midnight. In tandem, Amazon Prime Now Dirtbags guarantee that they’ll steal it off of your porch by 1a.m. Christmas morning.

Wawa, Sheetz & 7-Eleven all announced that they’ll be open all, or part, of Christmas Day. They invite families to stop in to grab a hot drink, or just sit in the parking lot to watch customers and gain a better understanding of Seasonal Depression.

WhatsApp chat groups are spreading illegal child porn. Parent company Facebook claimed they’re doing all they can, with Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg clicking the Wow! emoji on the story after she read it.

Pope Francis urged sexual predator priests and bishops to turn themselves in. As for cardinals, he said they should hold off because he needs some help moving furniture when he gets a new apartment on January 1st.

A former chemistry major at Lehigh University admitted to poisoning his roommate’s food & drink with toxic metal thallium. The chemistry major fell just short of getting an automatic 4.0 because his roommate lived.

Samsung is reportedly working on its own version of Google Pixel’s popular low-light photography feature ‘Night Sight’, to be called Bright Night. Samsung said Galaxy phone owners feel left out because they can’t take flashless naked selfies in the dark without awaking their spouses.

By |

Some parents in Huntington Woods, Michigan want the public library to end ‘Drag Queen Story Hour’ – where drag queens read to children. However, the drag queens are a huge draw and children love it, though some complained a reading of The Night Before Christmas took 2 hours including costume changes.

President Donald Trump’s charitable foundation is being dissolved amidst allegations of ‘persistently illegal conduct’ — leaving many wondering who will put gifts under the tree for Playmates and porn stars.

Adam Bros., the farm linked to E. coli in romaine lettuce, is now recalling red & green leaf lettuce and cauliflower out of what they say is “an abundance of caution”. Throughout the country, children are hoping they also extend their caution to broccoli and asparagus.

Actor Dax Shepard defended telling his child that there is no Santa. Shepard said he was tired of lying, adding that he also told his daughter that the CHiPs movie sucked.

A Kansas mom was shocked to find metal shavings in her daughter’s gummy vitamins from Zarbee’s Naturals.  Said a Zarbee’s spokesman “so do you want your kid to get iron or don’t you?”

Multiple Tinder employees who sued Tinder’s parent company, Match Group, for $2 billion were fired this week. The employees say they were subjected to intimidation and retaliation, Match Group human resources claimed that they simply swiped left on their performance reviews.

At the trial of drug kingpin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, a Chicago-area cocaine distributor described the organization to a jury, calling it “a highly-matrixed team where motivated self-starters are fully empowered to contribute and grow in a challenging, fast-paced environment!”

Utah implemented the lowest blood-alcohol threshold for DUI in the nation, at .05.  Residents are advised not only to avoid drinking & driving, but to avoid tongue-kissing drunk women & men in the bar before getting behind the wheel.

A 23-year-old Florida man was arrested by Port St. Lucie police for attempting to pay for his order at a McDonald’s drive-thru with pot.  The drive-thru worker alerted police, saying the man must have been high, since he offered a dime bag for a $6 value meal.

A Swedish music festival, Statement Festival, that banned cisgender men, was found guilty of discrimination. A Swedish court found that the festival, which only allowed cisgender women, transgender and non-binary people, discriminated against men born with penises who wanted to feel hated while listening to terrible music.