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An institutionalized Hawaii man described as a “psychopathic predator” – acquitted of a 1979 murder due to insanity – escaped a psychiatric hospital, took a taxi to Honolulu airport and flew to California. Police captured the fugitive, are reviewing his escape and determining how he booked all of that travel with Marlboro Miles.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a form of digital pill with an embedded sensor that tells your doctor when you take it.  The American Veterinary Association approved a similar pill that tells vets your dog or cat spit their pill out and are hiding under the sofa.

Senator John McCain blasted the U.S. Army for a report that they accept recruits with a history of self-mutilation, telling reporters that mutilation of recruits should be saved for basic training.

A U.S. man with a rare condition is the first to undergo gene editing in the body, and now goes by Jeanne.

The release date of superhero sequel Wonder Woman 2 has been moved six weeks earlier, to November 1st, from December 13th, 2019.  “Good luck with her being ready early” said her old boyfriend.

A rare alligator snapping turtle has been found in the forests of Illinois, the first such sighting in the state in 30 years. The 30-pound female is around 18-years-old and was discovered wandering alone, wondering where all of the cute guys are.

Taylor Swift surprised shoppers at a Nashville Target store with an unannounced  appearance, followed by the release of a store-exclusive diss track “Snake Getting Groceries”, aimed at people who asked her for selfies without buying her Reputation album first.

People magazine named Blake Shelton their ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, with the express condition he not write a terrible country song with that title.

Three UCLA men’s basketball players returned with the team from China, where they were detained after allegedly shoplifting Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Upon arrival in the U.S., the players updated their Amazon Wish Lists to include “new sunglasses”.

President Trump is breaking with tradition and will not meet the American winners of Nobel Prizes. The White House cited a scheduling conflict with the Arena Football League Champion Philadelphia Soul – assuming they accept.

 

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Walmart is raising prices of many household goods for sale at Walmart.com, so that shoppers will buy them at Walmart stores instead. Consumer advocates are calling the higher online prices “totally worth it to avoid having to go to Walmart.”

The Wall Street Journal reports that Illumination Entertainment – producers of the popular ‘Despicable Me’ & ‘Minions’ movies – are planning an animated Super Mario Brothers movie. Insiders expect the project to be delayed pending the resolution of longstanding sexual harassment & groping allegations against co-star Bowser.

A federal judge struck down a Kentucky requirement for women getting abortions to have an ultrasound beforehand, when lawyers for the state admitted no one in Kentucky knew how to work an ultrasound machine.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified before Congress for 5 1/2 hours, then forgot about it until he saw himself on the news.

Alabama GOP candidate for Senate and alleged child molester Roy Moore said that Mitch McConnell’s days as Senate Majority Leader are “coming to an end….faster than a 14-old-girl running out of a mall on roller skates..”

Apple faces criticism regarding the security of its Face ID security feature, after a 10-year-old boy unlocked his mother’s iPhone X with his face. The Mom also faces scrutiny from her 10-year-old boy for her gallery full of photos of the UPS guy.

The NFL held a groundbreaking ceremony for the now-Oakland Raiders’ new stadium in Las Vegas, and uncovered the bodies of several dozen buried mobsters.

A bar in New Jersey boycotted showing Sunday NFL games in favor of a fundraising event for veterans. $8,000 was collected – $3,000 in donations and $5,000 in fines for bar fights and drunk driving.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced that all House Representatives will be required to complete anti-sexual harassment and anti-discrimination training. “Does that include the White House?” asked President Trump.

  • The anti-harassment and anti-discrimination training comes following decades of fully-attended pro-harassment and pro-discrimination courses taken by Congress.

Mozilla hopes to double the speed of its signature Firefox browser with the introduction of Firefox Quantum – a new browser for people who love porn but lack spare time.

 

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An expert in the field of concussions called the NFL Concussion Protocol “a fraud” after Indianapolis Colts QB Jacoby Brissett was allowed to remain in the game after a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Brissett was examined in a private sideline tent by an NFL doctor, who asked him to cough.

Children waiting to see Santa at Minnesota’s Mall Of America witnessed several stabbing victims in what officials called a botched robbery at a nearby Macy’s. When they made it to Santa’s lap, those children vowed to be really, really nice.

Bill Gates pledged $100 Million to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. Most of the money will go to research, with the rest used to buy thousands of lucky seniors a new brain.

Russian base jumper Valery Rozov died during an attempted 22,000 foot jump in the Himalayas, part of his heretofore successful quest to jump off the highest mountain on each continent. Rozov was mourned in a statement by his sponsor, Red Bull, who said they wished the drink had given him better wings.

President Trump asked his Chinese counterpart, Li Xinping, to help quickly resolve the case of 3 visiting UCLA basketball players caught shoplifting sunglasses during their team visit to China. President Li said he would personally oversee the players’ hands being chopped off.

The National Weather Service launched Joint Polar Satellite System 1, a new weather satellite promising a “quantum leap” forward in forecasting technology. The weather service said the satellite will improve accuracy and advance notice for severe weather events, but stopped short of saying it will minimize ground-level reliance on large-breasted women in tight skirts.

Toy maker Mattel announced the first Barbie doll to be clad in a hijab. The doll, part of the Barbie ‘Shero’ series of women heroes, is modeled after Olympic fencer Ibtihaj Muhammad. Other Barbies will be updated with side-eye as they watch the Hijab Barbie on the shelf next to them.

Revised heart health guidelines from cardiac research groups mean an additional 30 Million Americans will be classified as having “high blood pressure”. This, after the same 30 Million Americans’ blood pressure spiked a day after casting votes for Hillary Clinton.

Kansas City police stopped questioning a suspect detained for drug & gun charges when the suspect’s flatulence drove the detective from the room. Sean Sykes was eventually charged with three firearms violations and cocaine possession, but has yet to enter a plea since all of his court-appointed attorneys quit. (h/t to John Levytsky!)

Weight Watchers introduced Cense – a new brand of diet wine – and a new variation of its in-person meetings called Weight Watchers Anonymous.

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A self-driving electric shuttle van in Las Vegas collided with a delivery truck within an hour of deployment on the city’s streets. The shuttle immediately fled the accident scene and was apprehended in a strip club parking lot, charged with reckless endangerment and possession of methamphetamine.

Congress is seeking to stem the illegal flow of cellphones into prisons. One U.S. Representative introduced a bill to cap jailed felons’ data plans at 1 gig/month.

  • The Federal Bureau of Prisons confiscated over 5,000 cellphones in 2016. Guards became suspicious when Hello Kitty iPhone cases became the top seller at federal penitentiary commissaries.

Pope Francis has banned the sale of cigarettes at the Vatican starting in 2018. “Now what are we going to put in our mouths and suck on?” asked priests.

An FBI counterterrorism supervisor in North Carolina reportedly got drunk and had his gun, Rolex watch and $60 cash stolen by an exotic dancer he took to his hotel room. President Trump announced even more extreme vetting of exotic dancers by the FBI and himself personally. [h/t to J. Koppel]

  • The FBI raised the terror threat level to Orange at the Boom Boom Room in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Outgoing Starbucks CEO Howard Schulz slammed the GOP tax plan as ‘fools gold’, implying that it will only help the wealthy and not lead to a more compassionate society. He then looked on as a $9/hour worker bought a $6 latte.

Apple refutes an FBI claim that it hasn’t helped their Quantico office in unlocking Texas church shooter Devin Kelley’s iPhone, saying they have no record of the office requesting an appointment at the Genius Bar.

Homeland Security conducted undercover tests and found Transportation Security Administration airport screeners failed to detect test weapons at a ‘disturbingly’ high rate.  The head of the TSA replied that workers lacked motivation – due to budget cuts, screeners who successfully found contraband no longer received Pupperoni.

Facebook continues to encroach on Craigslist territory with the introduction of property rentals to its rapidly growing Facebook Marketplace section. However, investment analysts warn that while Facebook Marketplace has grown 300% since its launch, it still lags Craigslist in market share among murderous creeps.

China’s President Xi Jinping said in a joint news conference with President Trump “the Pacific Ocean is big enough to accommodate China and the United States.” While Trump thought Xi was talking about free trade, he was really talking about global warming.

Portia de Rossi and Julianna Margulies have each come forward to allege sexual harassment by actor Steven Seagal. The two actresses say they waited to go public, citing the embarrassment of others knowing they wanted to be in a Steven Seagal movie.

 

 

 

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New website OMGYes uses videos to teach people how to give women sexual pleasure. In one video, users manipulate digitally-rendered female genitalia via touchscreen. If you do everything right, the video ends with a sigh, if not, you’re urged to take a break. OMGYes says that most men have learned a lot, though others have broken up with their iPad, and still others have caught viruses from licking the screen.

  • Founders of OMGYes say that it’s one of the stickiest sites on the Web.

Twitter is doubling the character limit to 280 per tweet for most users – presumably, so they can write out all those thoughts and prayers in their entirety.

A study in the Journal of the Endocrine Society concludes drinking just two cups of soda per week increases visceral fat that surrounds the organs; and that drinking Mountain Dew makes the fat dumber.

Social media is overrun with stories of new iPhone X owners dropping their phone and  shattering the glass. Unless you have a paid Applecare warranty, the fix costs $549. Apple defends the fee, saying it doesn’t just cover the glass repair, it feeds the child doing the work for six months.

Sportscaster Bob Costas told a panel at the University of Maryland that football “destroys people’s brains.” Costas made the remarks in response to being asked if he’d ever attended a Buffalo Bills game.

Australia’s Office of the eSafety Commissioner is joining with Facebook to test a program to eliminate revenge porn – that asks participants to send inappropriate images to themselves using Facebook Messenger. Users are asked only to send pictures of their nude body parts, without the customary G’day Mate! appended to it.

A Harvard orthopedist has concluded that ligament tears are followed by the onset of arthritis in greater than 50 percent of occurrences. His data followed a group of 15-year-olds who tore knee ligaments playing soccer, and then owned multiple cardigan sweaters and drank only tea at age 25.

Winona Ryder told People magazine that she was bullied in junior high for wearing boys’ clothes. The bully replied that he didn’t care she was wearing boys’ clothes, but that she’d stolen the clothes from him.

Randa, the oldest Indian rhinoceros in residence at the Los Angeles Zoo, died at age 48. The zoo recounted her incredible life, including a 2009 bout with cancer that forced the removal of her horn, and her courageous decision not to replace it with an implant.

A Florida woman was arrested for using a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon to assault the bouncer at a club she’d been forced to leave. The bouncer was uninjured, since the pack contained 12-ounce cans, not pounders. [H/T to E. Todd]

 

 

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Valeant Pharmaceuticals, which acquired ‘female Viagra’ drug Addyi for $1 Billion, is giving up on the drug and returning its rights to the original owner, Sprout Pharmaceutical. It’s believed to be the first time that a ton of money was spent getting women in the mood for sex and it didn’t work.

Students at George Mason University claim to have invented a fire extinguisher that puts out fires using nothing but sound waves. Unfortunately, the sound is generated from people screaming that they’re on fire.

Britain’s National Health is trialing a service that lets residents see a doctor by video call within two hours. Early results are mostly positive, though some users dislike sitting on the kitchen table in their underwear for two hours.

McDonald’s is reintroducing its Dollar Menu in early 2018, with menu items ranging from $1 for a double cheeseburger, to $3 for a cashier running down the street to get you something from Panera.

Israel Institute of Technology’s Technion Institute has created an ‘Electric nose’ that can detect at least seventeen serious illnesses by scent – ranging from Parkinson’s Disease and Multiple Sclerosis, to the pepperoni roll at Sbarro.

Obamacare signups during the current open enrollment period broke records. There haven’t been this many people buying an overpriced product that’s guaranteed to break since the iPhone X.

Google is introducing a feature that gives you the average wait time at over 1 million restaurants. The feature uses a complex algorithm to assess historical trends for most restaurants, and a static image that says No Wait for searches of Arby’s.

Venture capitalist and Digg founder Kevin Rose launched a free meditation app named Oak. It offers a range of guidance, from simple breathing exercises, to longer guided meditations, and automatic social media updates to tell everyone you’re meditating.

Tesla founder Elon Musk said on the company’s earnings call that all Tesla vehicles had the necessary hardware for full autonomous driving – now that each is fitted with a robotic hand that flips off drivers who cut off the self-driving cars.

The White House has requested $4 Billion for missile defense against North Korea. $1 Billion for counterstrike missiles, and $3 Billion for a Trump International Hotel/Silo on the South Korea border.

 

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Sprint and T-Mobile called off merger plans. Conference calls to discuss the deal kept dropping.

Supermodel Kate Upton married Houston Astros pitching ace Justin Verlander in Tuscany, just days after the Astros’ World Series win. Verlander missed the Astros victory parade, but still managed to see some big floats.

Gonorrhea rates are up 63% in Australia over the last five years, as Health Dept. authorities there express concern over the emergence of skinnier, sexier kangaroos.

Former NASCAR champion Matt Kenseth announced his retirement, citing inability to find a sponsor. Kenseth said he never thought his career would take such a right turn.

Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman in 40 years to win the women’s division of the NYC Marathon, as ICE agents throughout the course touted a successful roundup of Kenyans.

Pharmacy giant CVS plans to offer next-day delivery of prescription drugs nationwide, and may offer same-day delivery in some urban markets, in an effort to stave off competition from Amazon and those sketchy guys who hang out on the corner.

Utah passed a bill to change their anti-bigamy law. Current Utah law says bigamy applies when a married man “spiritually” weds another woman, leading thousands of men to request divorces from women they spiritually married for a hundred bucks.

Scientists have discovered a 30-meter ‘void’ in the Great Pyramid of Giza. Further investigation is required to determine whether it’s a Pharoah Cave or Scrapbooking Room.

President Trump arrived in Japan, and was presented with a gift from Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe – a custom hat embroidered with the slogan ‘Donald & Shinzo – Make Alliance Even Greater’. Trump said it reminded him of the slogan on favors from his wedding, ‘Donald & Melania – She Signed the Prenup’.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania say the number of assaults go up by nearly 3 percent once Daylight Savings Time ends in early November, and that’s just counting their latest bus ride back to campus in Philadelphia on Sunday.

 

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During Melania Trump’s visit to Tokyo, she will be protected by an all-female security unit, which is what they’re calling the women who work at Gucci.

Dame Judi Dench said in an interview with Britain’s Sky News that she feels ’emotionally torn’ by the rampant Hollywood sexual misconduct allegations, and ‘physically left out of them’.

BMW is recalling one million vehicles to address a fire risk. The U.S. Postal Service is calling it 2017’s largest Mass Mailing To Huge Douchebags, surpassing invitations to the Presidential Inaugural Ball.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan trumpeted the simplicity of the proposed GOP Tax Plan revisions, saying 95% of Americans could file their tax return on a postcard, leaving most Americans wondering how to send a postcard from their computer.

The University of Notre Dame said they will no longer cover birth control for students and staff. The move is expected to have no impact on the football and basketball teams, who are neither.

  • If you think they’re Fighting Irish now, wait’ll you see the arguments over who should use protection.

Finnish airline Finnair is asking passengers to volunteer to be weighed along with their luggage prior to boarding. The airline said they’re trying to validate their estimates of a jet’s total weight. They’re also trying to placate passengers whose bags they lose that they’ve lost 40 pounds!

A screenwriter and actress have both accused Dustin Hoffman of sexual harassment. “Mr Hoffman, are you trying to seduce me?” they said.

Users of the new iPhone 8 are saying that a ‘discreet calling’ feature allowing for stealth help calls by users in danger is causing frequent, accidental 911 calls. Exasperated 911 operators are also saying that while iPhone users have them on the line, they ask how to change their settings.

Dealing with his own allegations of sexual misconduct, Jeremy Piven returned to the set of CBS drama Wisdom Of The Crowd. Piven denied the allegations, and believes they’ll be overshadowed by the announcement of his show being cancelled in two weeks.

President Trump told a local radio show that he’d “love to get involved” with the Department of Justice, even though he’s not supposed to. Said Justice Department-appointed special counsel Robert Mueller “Then I have some great news for him!”

President Trump’s personal Twitter account was taken down for 11 minutes on Thursday. Twitter explained that it was done by a contract worker on their last day there. The contractor awoke Friday to an inbox filled with more job offers than they know what to do with.

 

 

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Japanese marketing firm Piala announced it will give employees six more paid days off if they quit smoking. Non-smokers are busily taking up the habit so they can quit in time for summer vacation.

NYC terror suspect Sayfullo Saipov was charged while in his hospital bed, and told prosecutors he wanted an ISIS flag to hang in his hospital room. Police became even angrier when they found ISIS flags for sale in the hospital’s gift shop.

Newly single Selena Gomez sparked rumors when she attended a rec league hockey game featuring her ex, Justin Bieber. After the game, Gomez left in Bieber’s car wearing his game jersey. Later on, Gomez was called for holding; Bieber for high sticking.

The head of NPR’s news division, Michael Oreskes, has resigned amid sexual harassment allegations. Several current and former staffers have come forward to describe Oreskes’ unwelcome sexual advances, made in between jazz saxophone riffs and uncomfortably long silences.

Kevin Spacey’s acting tutorial was removed from online instructional hub MasterClass, replaced by a GIF reading ‘Do This’, followed by a balding gay guy rolling his eyes and looking smug.

Oprah Winfrey released her annual holiday list of Favorite Things in O – The Oprah Magazine. At 102 items long, it’s her biggest list ever. Readers added their own 103rd Favorite Thing – the gift receipt to return the stuff on the list.

President Trump declared Saipov an animal, calling for his execution and saying the criminal justice system was a ‘joke’ and a ‘laughingstock’. His sentiments were privately echoed by Robert Mueller, who said he should have been done removing Trump months ago.

North Korean state news shared video of Kim Jong Un touring a cosmetics factory along with his wife Ri Sol Ju. North Korea’s first lady was there to get some new makeup for their upcoming date night at the nuclear missile silo.

Modern Family actress Sarah Hyland responded to a fan on Twitter confirming that her character Haley Dunphy is bisexual. Show producers haven’t responded, but did confirm an upcoming episode where Haley shops for a Mini Cooper.

A 48-year-old woman and 28-year-old man engaged in a sex act on a Delta flight will likely face fines, not jail or other penalties. Passengers complained that the woman performing oral sex on the man was distracting them while they tried to watch porn on their tablets.

 

 

 

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Mary McDonough, who portrayed Erin on CBS series The Waltons, talked to Fox News about complications she experienced from breast enhancement surgery.  McDonough said if she could do it over again, she’d have had the work done at Ike Godsey’s General Store instead of her father’s sawmill.

Sony Electronics introduced a revamped version of Aibo, its robotic pet dog. The updated dog responds to praise and understands what actions makes owners happy – for instance, it will hump a woman’s leg, but only after listening to her talk about her job and family for an hour.

President Trump will seek to terminate the Diversity Visa program that allowed NYC terror suspect Sayfullo Saipov in to the U.S., but said Trump Hotels will still give triple points for Diversity Amex holders.

  • Lawmakers said Saipov was radicalized domestically online, and as a result still owed $20k in loans to Strayer University.
  • Trump said he’d ordered Homeland Security to tighten its extreme vetting process. A spokesperson for Home Depot said the guy had the $19 and a drivers license, so there wasn’t much more vetting they could do.

Walmart announced that their 4,700 stores will host Holiday Parties during the Xmas shopping season, sending Amazon’s stock price to another record high.

  • The parties will feature Selfies With Santa, shopping assistance from Holiday Helpers, and Grief Counseling.

Amazon has rolled out its Black Friday deals using augmented reality, after hearing from consumers who said they preferred to shop in a reality where they have money, jobs, and a different President.

Obamacare open enrollment begins, accompanied by rate increases so severe that customers are asking if poverty qualifies as a preexisting condition.

Papa John’s founder & CEO John Schnatter, on a disappointing earnings call, placed some blame for slower sales on their NFL sponsorship and the league’s poor handling of anthem protests. “We no longer want to be associated with a product that makes so many people sick” said the NFL.

More accusers have come forward to accuse Harvey Weinstein, James Toback and Kevin Spacey of sexual misconduct – to the point where A-List actors are reading Tyler Perry scripts because they’re running out of safe spaces.