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New York City police seized 46 ice cream trucks for $4 million in unpaid tickets accumulated over 10 years. Owners will fight the charges, and Mister Softee was freed on $250,000 bail.

California lawmakers want to remove single-use plastic toiletry bottles from hotel rooms. Shampoo & conditioner will be placed in shower dispensers; to get hand lotion, men will need to bring their own or make an embarrassing purchase in the hotel gift shop.

April the Giraffe – mother of five calves at Animal Adventure in Upstate New York – is going on birth control, after a third zoo worker nearly died trying to put a condom on her boyfriend.

To prevent President Trump’s threatened tariffs on exports, Mexico offered to send its National Guard to the U.S. border, to make sure nobody enters the U.S. illegally without carrying drugs.

Doctors in New York removing a brain tumor from a 42-year-old woman ended up extracting a tapeworm. The parasitic worm was found to have consumed a lot of recipes and memories of Real Housewives episodes.

Michael Dougherty, director of ‘Godzilla: King of the Monsters’ said in an interview that any movie would be made better by Godzilla showing up 20 minutes in – drawing unanimous agreement from anyone who’s watched ‘Sex And The City’ films.

The New England Patriots gave out their largest-ever Super Bowl rings at a private party at Robert Kraft’s house – although Kraft asked two guests from Orchids of Asia Day Spa to remove theirs before the evening’s entertainment started.

New smartphones from banned Chinese manufacturer Huawei will ship without Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp. Huawei execs reassured concerned buyers that they’ll still find a way to harvest & sell personal data.

A Washington Post report claims Walmart workers in stores using robots feel undervalued performing tasks like cleaning & inventory delegated by the machines.  Walmart is reprogramming the robots to be more likable, teaching them to vape & make sexual remarks about coworkers.

2006 QV89, an asteroid wider than a football field, could hit Earth this year. Thousands of amateur astronomers are frantically giving it directions to the White House and Mar-a-Lago.

 

 

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President Trump joined world leaders to pay tribute on the 75th anniversary of D-Day. Trump said if someone with his IQ were president then, it would have been A-Day.

Officials in British Columbia claim opioid addicts are cutting down trees to trade timber for heroin. Police are constantly on the lookout for strung out men and women with a lot of splinters.

Retail analyst NPD group say thong sales are on the decline among women, while full-coverage women’s briefs are rising, then hopefully dropping if the relationship goes well.

A woman was asked to leave an Erie, Pennsylvania Golden Corral because the manager deemed her crop top and short-shorts “too provocative”. Social media users reading her story were shocked – that Golden Corral actually has a dress code.

‘Queer Eye’ style consultant Tan France writes in his new memoir that he worked as a flight attendant when he was younger. He quit after just two months, but said he still struggles to let guests at his house have an entire can of soda.

Tariffs on Mexican imports may cause drastic price increases at Chipotle. When customers add guacamole, instead of saying it costs “a little extra”, workers will offer customers financing for their burrito.

A new study claims people who only drink bottled water ingest up to 100,000 microplastic particles per year. Bottled water makers updated their marketing to call bottled water “a great source of synthetic fiber”.

A ban on U.S. tourism to Cuba in now in effect. The State Department named the new restriction Close, But No Cigars.

A tour company is charging $6,000 for a three-night Nevada excursion called ‘Sex Island’, where guests are promised unlimited sex with two differnt women each day. Critics are angry that it exploits women, and guests are angry that they have to pay $29/day for internet.

Florida man Tommy Burns and his mistress, Amanda Love, are charged with conspiring to kill Burns’ wife. All Burns wanted was Amanda Love, and all she wanted was a man ta’ love.

 

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California health officials announced their findings that coffee doesn’t pose a significant cancer risk – at least not until Dunkin opens more locations there.

Build-A-Bear will open shops inside Walmart stores, where children and parents can build sad bears.

Lab testers Quest Diagnostics said over 11 million clients’ financial and health information were exposed in a data breach, including the 2% who actually passed their drug screening.

Forbes named Jay-Z “hip-hop’s first billionaire” – news that shocked an Adidas-track-suit-wearing Warren Buffett.

Researchers say octopuses may become more popular research animals than lab rats, because they offer relatively easy genetic sequencing, and because you can inject them with eight vaccines at once.

A man visited all 419 U.S. National Parks in one three-year journey. He made the trek alone, in order to avoid children asking him 40,000 times if they were there yet. 

New research concludes feeding mosquitos sugar makes them less likely to bite – but feeding them diet cola makes them more likely to order the larger Value Meal.

An Australian study claims a “high likelihood” of civilization collapsing by 2050 due to climate change. That’s the bad news; the good news is now many more people have enough money saved for retirement.

President Trump and his family attended a fancy state ball at London’s Buckingham Palace, where the Royal Family treated their guests to a buffet from McDonald’s and KFC.

Khloe Kardashian escorted a superfan to his high school prom in Glendale, California. Over the course of three hours, Kardashian arrived, married the captain of the basketball team, and he cheated on her.

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New research from the CDC claims we still don’t know how many diseases are caused by tick bites. “We just want to surprise humans to keep the relationship fresh,” say ticks.

The “10,000 Steps” rule is challenged by new research claiming longevity benefits are achieved walking just 4,400 steps/day, ending at 7,000 steps. The study followed a guy walking 18 holes of golf who had a heart attack at 7,100 steps.

A Louisiana Catholic School principal was fired after his arrest at a DC strip club during a school field trip. He was charged with disorderly conduct for yelling at the dancers to put their school uniforms back on.

The 91-year-old mother of ‘El Chapo’ Guzman obtained a visa so she can travel from Mexico to visit her son in a New York prison. She wants to bring him enchiladas, as soon as she arrives via the tunnel beneath the jail.

A female swimsuit model ran on the field during the Tottenham/Liverpool Champions League Soccer Championship to promote her boyfriend’s porn website. She avoided contact with players, but a few flopped anyway out of habit.

Apple plans to discontinue iTunes, but will introduce new music apps to sync with Apple devices and destroy your content.

Pamela Taylor, a West Virginia official who called Michelle Obama “an ape in heels”, will serve 10 months in jail for defrauding FEMA out of $18,000. Ironically, she’ll be safest in her new jungle when she’s locked in her cage.

The White House created a tool for users to report anti-conservative media bias. It’s called the Fox News app.

A trade group warned U.S. airline profitability will drop 20% this year. In response, airlines will charge passengers for the bags under their eyes.

President Trump denied calling Meghan Markle ‘nasty’, despite audio of him saying it. He plans to fix the issue just as soon as he can grab her pussy.

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Guy Fieri received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He was nominated by Anyone Who’s Ever Been Famous And Didn’t Get Their Star Yet So Now They Can Demand One.

Uber says they’ll kick riders off of the ride-hailing app if their ratings from drivers become too low. This is known internally as the ‘Three Strikes’ Puke Policy.

Walmart hired Suresh Kumar to be their new Chief Technology Officer.  Kumar said  Walmart’s biggest technology challenge is from customers and employees swiping tech from the electronics department.

Twelve dead dolphins have washed up on the beaches of Delaware.  Many of them were too badly decomposed to know what killed them, but local sea life experts suspect the cause of death may have been boredom from living in Delaware.

The U.S./China trade war is hurting Maine’s lobster industry. Tariffs and export restrictions are causing lobstermen to really feel the pinch.

New York City subways will begin accepting fares from Fitbit Pay. For those choosing to jump the turnstiles, their Fitbit will count it as two big steps.

A woman’s body was found stuffed in to a curbside garbage bin in the Frankford neighborhood of Philadelphia. “We’ve never seen anything like this” said the garbage collector, “usually they’re in with recycling.”

A man set himself on fire outside of the White House. Secret Service knew it wasn’t the President, because it wasn’t just his pants on fire.

A Delta Airlines passenger is suing, claiming an emotional support dog mauled him on a flight. The victim claims Delta never verified the support dog’s credentials, and provoked the attack by including Pupperoni in his in-flight snack box.

Seybie, a newborn baby girl weighing just 8.6 ounces, is the smallest surviving human baby on record. Her parents requested anonymity – known only as “Barbie” and “Ken”.

 

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For the first time in 11 years, LeBron James was not named a 1st Team NBA All-Star. He then demanded his agent to get him a one-year max contract with the 1st Team NBA All-Stars.

President Trump attended a sumo wrestling championship match in Japan.                    Not participated in..attended.

11 climbers have died on Mount Everest so far this season. Experts blame overissuance of permits and allowing too many inexperienced climbers to attempt the summit. The most inexperienced get halfway up and ask their guide for directions to the snack bar.

The World Health Organization added “gaming disorder” to its official International Classification of Diseases.  Epic Games, publisher of Fortnite, offered their help to combat gaming disorder, issuing millions of health packs.

Wildlife experts captured an alligator that severely injured a woman in Melbourne, Florida. Witnessses identified a gator as the one who injured the woman, but only after picking it out of a five-gator lineup where four more people were bitten getting them all behind a two-way mirror.

A California man was attacked by a shark off the coast of Maui.  “You flew here! We GREW here!” said the shark whose favorite movie is ‘Blue Crush’  while claiming it was a Locals Only Beach.

A 35-year-old yoga instructor survived being lost for 17 days in the forests of Maui, saying that, during her ordeal, she spent a night in the lair of a wild boar. She is being treated at a local hospital, and has not returned the wild boar’s phone calls & texts.

IndyCar driver Jordan King hit a member of his pit crew during a pit stop at the Indy 500, injuring his leg and forcing his removal via stretcher. The crew member accepted responsibility, distracting King by texting him asking when he was stopping for gas.

A Japanese man on a flight from Mexico City to Tokyo died after ingesting 246 bags of cocaine.  The flight made an emergency landing in Hermosito, Mexico, where rival gangs had a shootout in the emergency room trying to claim the body.

Actress Patricia Arquette said that producers asked her to lose weight while filming her then-hit tv show, ‘Medium’. It was that or change the name of the show to ‘Large’.

Fans are demanding refunds after the first two shows of the Spice Girls summer stadium tour have been plagued by awful sound problems. Promoters have so far refused, explaining that those are the songs.

MacKenzie Bezos pledged to give away half of her $37 billion fortune now that she’s single. Ex-husband Jeff Bezos will also give away half his fortune a second time once he divorces Lauren Sanchez.

 

 

 

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Attorney Michael Avenatti is charged with defrauding client Stormy Daniels. Daniels is alleged to have lost her shirt. And underwear.

President Trump cut short a meeting with Congressional Democrats regarding infrastructure spending, saying he can’t work with them unless they stop their legal investigations. Both sides look forward to the much-needed 18-month-or-more break from seeing each other.

A violent tornado tore through Missouri, injuring at least 20 people. If any injuries resulted in the end of a pregnancy, lawmakers will have the tornado arrested as part of the state’s tough new anti-abortion legislation.

A 102-year-old woman is accused of murdering her 92-year-old neighbor in a French nursing home by strangulation and blows to the head. Investigators call the crime especially heinous since it took her 9 hours to finish. [story h/t to DG]

The NFL announced it’s reducing the number of commercial breaks in the Super Bowl from five per quarter to four, making it 20% more expensive for Bud Light to tell everyone about whatever new crap they’re pushing next February.

Bernie Sanders told McDonald’s workers protesting low pay and sexual harassment that if they vote for him, they’ll get a $15/hour minimum wage and the right to unionize. He also told them he’d like a couple more honey mustard sauce packets for his McNuggets.

Viral video shows a robot dog – HyQMini, built by the Italian Institute of Technology – pulling a 3-ton passenger jet in an amazing feat of technological strength. Researchers then checked the robot dog on to a United Airlines flight, where it promptly died.

Google is updating Google Assistant with more public transit information. Google Assistant can now tell you when your next New York City Subway train is arriving, and panhandlers can now harass you via Google Instant Messenger until you get of rid of them via Google Pay.

A huge amount of water ice has been spotted on Mars, the first sign that the red planet was once inhabited by ancient Philadelphia dirtbags.

Maelyn Jarmon was crowned champion of The Voice, joining others who have won it and gone on to become household names, like…

 

 

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A 9-foot-8-inch great white shark was spotted in the Long Island Sound near Greenwich, Connecticut. When President Trump heard that there were great whites in Greenwich, he scheduled a rally there.

DressBarn announced they’re closing all 650 locations, leaving customers wondering where else they can go to look dumpy on a budget.

Spice Girl Mel B was temporarily blinded due to a herpes flareup in her right eye. She claims to be fully recovered, but is telling men she stared at to get tested.

  • As for how she got herpes in her eye, nobody’s buying her “bad mascara” story.

Jada Pinkett Smith said on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ that at one point she had a “little porn addiction”. She then clarified that maybe she used the term ‘addiction’ a little lightly, and that by ‘little porn’ she meant dwarfs having sex.

The FBI raided the offices of uBiome – a company testing mailed-in samples of human feces to assess gut bacterial health – and accused them of fraudulent billing. Agents took computers and other records, but decided to leave the lab and the mail room alone.

Homeland Security is warning Facebook users of scammers requesting small sums of money, then following up with another scam accusing them of donating to ISIS and demanding payment to avoid jail. The scammers raised suspicion because unlike Facebook, they didn’t sell victims’ personal data.

A minor league baseball game between the Reno Aces and Tacoma Rainiers featured 33 runs, 39 hits, 16 walks, 10 home runs and about 20 spectators.

Sesame Street introduced its newest Muppet, a girl named Karli who lives with foster parents. Little is known about why she’s separated from her birth parents, only that her father “has a problem with cookies.”

A new study claims that cannabidol, or CBD – the non-psychoactive ingredient in marijuana – is effective in treating opioid addiction. This would make pot the first-ever gateway and exit drug.

Authorities in Delaware County, Ohio are investigating reports that middle school students put urine and semen in crepes served to teachers. Officials also cancelled the students’ plan to raise money for a class trip by selling cookbooks.

 

 

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Two-time Indy 500 winner Al Unser Jr. was arrested for driving while intoxicated. He was arrested after making a pit stop in a Burger King drive thru and yelling about how long it was taking to get four fresh tires.

The FCC approved a $26 Billion merger between T-Mobile and Sprint. The two company CEOs attempted to speak by phone, but the call dropped after 15 seconds.

Little Caesars is partnering with Impossible Foods on a pizza topped with plant-based sausage. The meatless sausage would become the fifth-weirdest ingredient in a $5 Little Caesars pizza.

Fans took to social media to complain about the series finale of HBO’s ‘Game Of Thrones’, some vowing never to use their friend’s HBO Go password again for at least another week.

A Wall St Journal study claims Millennials are nearing middle age in worse financial shape than every living generation that preceded them, despite having record-high levels of education. So, they’re smart enough to know how poor they are.

President Trump lashed out on Twitter after the New York Times reported Deutsche Bank had flagged transactions linked to him & Jared Kushner for money laundering. Trump said he didn’t need banks, and had never been to a money laundry in his life.

Billionaire Robert Smith, honorary degree recipient at Morehouse College, said in his commencement speech that he’s using $40 million to retire the student loans of all 2019 graduates.  Strayer University said Queen Latifah will not be doing so for graduates watching the speech she was Photoshopped into.

Facebook is experimenting with robotics, including leveraging “curiosity” to help robots learn faster via artificial intelligence. To demonstrate, one robot vaguebooked “..what a day..” and another robot asked “Hope you’re okay!”

Users of the new Google Pixel 3a budget phone are reporting that it shuts itself off once a day without warning. Google said they’re unaware of the problem, but advised affected users to try giving the phone something interesting to do.

Ford is laying off 2,000 headquarters employees, in news that the CEO described as Ford Tough.

 

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Camden, New Jersey opened a new downtown beer garden, for people who like to enjoy a couple of drinks before getting stabbed.

Wildlife officials warn koalas are “functionally extinct”. With just 80,000 creatures, there may not be enough breeding adults to sustain a new generation. “They’re right, it’s pretty dead in here” said a male on Koala Tinder.

Astronomers are learning more about MU69, a flat rock 20 miles wide orbiting 4 million miles from the sun. They’ve determined it’s a rock, it’s cold, and maybe they should turn their attention to more interesting stuff.

2016 Chicago Cubs World Series MVP Ben Zobrist and his wife, Julianna, are divorcing. Zobrist alleges his wife has been taken out to a different ball game.

A Tesla Model 3 driver operating his car in autopilot mode collided with a truck and died, the third such fatality recorded. Tesla said they’re deciding between updating software or renaming the car Tesla 737 MAX.

Some brands of tattoo ink are being recalled because they contain harmful bacteria. You’re advised to seek medical attention if your Fighting Irishman starts foaming at the mouth.

Facebook is reportedly changing its algorithm to emphasize ‘worthwhile’ and ‘close friend’ content – leaving users scrambling to find deals on Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg movies before they disappear.

President Trump unveiled a new immigration plan, intended to prioritize immigrants with valuable skills like golf course & country club lawn maintenance.

Grumpy Cat passed away at age 7, following complications from a urinary tract infection. Less lethal complications included her pissing on the sofa.

In the wake of new legislation outlawing abortions, Alabama clinics are being flooded with calls from women asking if they’re still open. Conversely, Alabama drug stores aren’t getting any panicked calls from men asking if they still sell condoms.