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American Airlines announced a round trip flight from Philadelphia to Brazil for the Eagles season opener. Brazil Customs is training agents to deal with a plane load of drunks replying “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!..” when asked if they have anything to declare.

The Today Show profiled 110-year-old Vincent Dransfield of Little Falls, New Jersey, who lives on his own and drives his Hyundai sedan every day. A special summit between New Jersey home invaders and carjackers was held to see who gets first dibs.

Gene Simmons of KISS mentored competitors on American Idol. Female singers requested restraining orders and male singers said they didn’t have the $1,000 he demanded for a 10-minute conversation.

Cher & Mary J. Blige were among the new inductees to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. In other news Judas Priest was among the inductees to the Childrens Music Hall of Fame.

Donald Trump’s hush money case began in New York with opening arguments – starting with Trump in the hallway outside the courtroom arguing with nobody.

Younger voters claim American democracy is failing – not because of partisan politics or aging presidential candidates, but they’re worried they could lose TikTok.

Divorcing Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and soon-to-be-ex Theresa Nist have a prenuptial agreement, and highly recommend it to others. They also recommend that it be prepared in 30-point typeface.

LPGA golfer Nelly Korda won the Chevron Championship, her fifth consecutive tournament win, bringing her total winnings to over $2.4 million this season, and bringing her text messages from WNBA players offering to be her caddy.

A school in Australia set off 2,013 confetti cannons at the same time to set a world record. The school janitor then announced he quit.

A British sheep farmer said he uses Axe Body Spray on his male sheep to mask hormones that keep them from fighting each other. The bad news is female sheep won’t breed with them because of the smell.

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A Pennsylvania woman discovered she’s a perfect match for a Kentucky man in need of a kidney. She’ll travel there for the transplant operation just as soon as Kentucky’s top kidney specialist gets his jackknife sharpened and new reading glasses.

Delta Airlines is eliminating a program guaranteeing passengers checked bags are on the carousel within 20 minutes of flight arrival, or the bag owner gets 2,500 flyer miles. They say every flight to Philadelphia is costing them about 2.5 million miles.

Liam Gallagher of Oasis – one of this year’s nominees for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame – told the Rock HoF to “do me a favor and f*ck off”. In response, board members of the Hall told Gallagher please don’t look back in anger.

The Department of Transportation is increasing Chinese airline flights to the U.S. from 35 per week to 50. The move is intended to limit the number of freezing deaths from Chinese tourists trying to enter the U.S. via spy balloons.

A Reddit user claimed that AI ChatGPT performed better when he offered it $100,000 to complete a task. ChatGPT finished the task, is still waiting on the money, and hired someone to break the Reddit user’s fingers.

Sony is laying off 900 employees from its PlayStation division, each of whom received Game Over notifications.

Ticket reseller SeatGeek is launching a ‘Smart Pricing’ feature that uses AI to tell sellers the best sales price for tickets, and a ‘Give Up’ feature that uses a buyer’s bank account & credit info to tell them there’s no way they’re getting Taylor Swift tickets.

Madonna has taken images of the late Luther Vandross out of an AIDS tribute displayed during her live show because he didn’t die of AIDS. The tribute contains photos of Freddie Mercury, Keith Haring… and Donald Trump, captioned with “Let’s Hope So”.

A new University of Texas study claims orgasms aren’t just for pleasure, they ‘rewire the brain’ to create a long-lasting bond between sex partners. The study explains why women have more guy friends, and why men are so good to their hands.

The latest Gen Z relationship trend is women seeking “babygirl” men. Instead of toxic masculinity, babygirl guys are in touch with their feminine side, display some feminine traits, and are gay.

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Wildlife officials used jelly donuts to bait a trap for a bear roaming residential neighborhoods in Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania. The bear was captured elsewhere, and the trap caught six on-duty Drexel Hill cops.

Philadelphia 76ers center Joel Embiid is applying for French citizenship, so that he can join France’s national basketball team and sit out the 2024 Summer Olympics with an injury.

A man ran onstage and tackled Dave Chappelle during his performance at the Hollywood Bowl during the Netflix Is A Joke Festival. The security company that staffed the Oscars and the festival said they’re hiring.

Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame inductees for 2022 were announced, including Duran Duran, Pat Benatar & Eurythmics. Another year, another disappointing shutout for Color Me Badd.

Starbucks announced they’ll raise wages for employees, but only if they’re in a non-union store, and only if they spell their name correctly on their tax forms.

Doctors grafted and grew a penis on a man’s arm after he lost his original one due to a blood disease. After six years growing on his arm, it was finally transferred to his groin. He’s happy with the results, but said sucking it is now a lot less convenient. [Story h/t to JTR!!]

Singer Phoebe Bridgers said she had an abortion last October while on tour. A male fan who’d purchased Gold Circle VIP Meet & Greet tickets called it “the best concert ever”.

CVS Pharmacy announced first quarter earnings that topped expectations, in a press release that was really long and offered $5 in ExtraCare Reward Bucks.

Samsung introduced a new 256GB memory card that it claims will record up to 16 years worth of dashcam video – making it easier than ever for state troopers to compile those Best Of DUI compilation videos for the office Christmas party.

A Massachusetts DoorDash driver is credited with helping to save the life of a woman waiting outside for a pizza delivery, who fell and hit her head as her husband slept inside. The woman was rushed to a hospital, and the husband rushed the pizza to the living room.

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Data from insurance industry website Insurify shows that, of the seven most popular vehicles owned by drivers withar DUI, seven are pickup trucks. Owners say it’s because of the convenience transporting cases of beer and injured pedestrians.

Threat assessmnent experts cite an increased risk of violence posed by “incels” – involuntary celibate men frustrated they can’t have sexual relationships with women. It’s so bad, threat levels have been elevated to Code Red for every ComicCon this summer.

The European Union stripped Russia of “Most Favored Nation” trade status. Emails sent to Russian households inform buyers their UPS shipment is scheduled to arrive ‘Never’.

Russia is seizing hundreds of Boeing & Airbus passenger jets grounded in the country. Spirit Airlines is pleased to announce new 29-Ruble SuperSaver flights between Moscow and St. Petersburg.

37 million people in China are in COVID lockdown – leading to immense stress in households that have already reached their two-child limit.

Dolly Parton refused her nomination to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and also refused to endorse the write-in candidate seeking to take her spot on the ballot, Lou Bega.

Tom Brady’s return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers has put his feature film project ‘80 For Brady‘ in question. That, and Jane Fonda’s decision to return to making leotard & leg warmer aerobics videos.

A Wisconsin bird flu outbreak will require the culling of 2.75 million chickens – as 300 Wisconsin fire departments band together for a world record barbecue.

A new study claims sleeping with even a small amount of light on harms your heart health. The study cites audience heart attacks suffered falling asleep during showings of three-hours-long ‘The Batman’.

Sandra Bullock announced she’s “taking a break” from acting. Viewers of her last few movies announced “that’s a terrific idea”.

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Motley Crue is commemorating their 40th Anniversary as a band with a remastered edition of 1987’s ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’. But since the record is 34 years old, they’re calling it ‘MILFs, MILFs, MILFs’.

Target will no longer sell Pokemon and sports trading cards in-store after a rash of fistfights over the cards. Wimpy kids can still buy cards in other stores, and hiring Pokemon trainers to help them win the fights.

Bill Gates told friends at his golf club that he was in a “loveless” marriage. Luckily, he also loves money.

The CDC’s new guidance says that fully-vaccinated Americans can now safely go without a face mask indoors in most places. A heart surgeon removed his mask and his bubble gum fell into the chest of a patient on the operating table.

Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic say coffee helps protect the liver. They recommend Irish coffee so the alcohol and coffee can keep the liver busy.

The CEO of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame defended the Hall against criticism that only two true “metal” bands – Metallica and Black Sabbath – are inducted. He said more metal bands will be inducted in the future, but still isn’t holding out much hope for Faster Pussycat.

Writings from John F. Kennedy to a Swedish mistress sold for $88,000. Written in 1955 & 1956, the collection contains one full handwritten letter, and two notes asking “U up?”

A health care system in Ireland shut down after becoming the latest victim of a ransomware attack. Or, as it’s known in Ireland, McRansomware.

A cat jumped from the fifth floor of a burning building in Chicago and landed on the ground, unharmed. The cat decided to jump because of the fire, and because there wasn’t anything to eat.

Big-cat advocate & ‘Tiger King’ subject Carole Baskin is offering a $5,000 reward for the return of a tiger missing in the Houston area. Local deer have pitched in to increase the reward to $10,000.

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Google is launching an artificial intelligence research center in China. The launch has been delayed as two top executives of the center have already been dismissed for sexual harassment of sentient robots.

The crew aboard the International Space Station will be getting a special screening of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Although astronauts are balking at the $650,000 price tag for a bucket of popcorn and large Coke.

Democrat Doug Jones was declared the winner of the U.S. Senate race in Alabama, defeating Republican Roy Moore. With Moore projected to have so much free time, shopping malls in Alabama are increasing security details.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its newest inductees, including Bon Jovi, Cars, Moody Blues and Dire Straits. Among bands failing to make the cut – Radiohead, who finished the voting slightly behind The Noise An Old Dial-Up Modem Makes.

Following Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s call for him to resign, President Trump tweeted that she is a “lightweight” and a “flunky” who “would do anything” to get campaign contributions from him. “Yeah! She’d do anything for money!” said First Lady Melania Trump.

USA Today issued a scathing editorial Wednesday, saying Trump was unfit to clean the toilets at the Obama or George W. Bush libraries. Considering he can barely bend over to pick his own golf ball out of the cup, they may have a point.

In Indiana, a 2-year-old boy watching his sister’s 5-year-old junior wrestling match ran into the ring and tried dragging her opponent away. The referee halted the match momentarily, as the girl wrestler scolded her brother for white-knighting and being part of the under-6 wrestling patriarchy.

To cope with record online consumer spending and package delivery volume, UPS implemented a 70-hour, eight-day workweek for its drivers. “That’s it?” said Chinese teenagers assembling iPhones.

Following NFL Network’s suspensions of on-air talent for alleged misconduct, sports reporter Lindsay McCormick said that the NFL Network’s former head of hiring talent asked her in a job interview if she planned to get “knocked up”. The man claimed he was referring to the network’s poorly-named weekly montage of helmet-to-helmet hits, ‘Knocked Up’.

Cheshire Cheese Company in the U.K. is introducing Gin & Lemon flavored cheese, hoping to expand its market to fans of rapper Snoop Dogg.