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A judge blocked the proposed merger of Spirit and Jet Blue airlines, saying it could harm consumers. Lawyers for Spirit argued the merger couldn’t possibly harm consumers more than flying Spirit Airlines.

Costco is testing a new system requiring members to scan their membership card to enter – and requiring them to scan $200 worth of bulk-packaged crap to exit.

Google is upgrading Google Maps so the app will work in underground tunnels. This is great news if you’re a driver who’s somehow worried about getting lost while driving in a tunnel

According to a new survey, longtime Tinder users say the app has been bad for their mental health, despite their genitals never being happier.

A 10-year-old boy was attacked at a Bahamas resort during a “swim with the sharks”. Not only did he get to swim with the sharks, he also got a free helicopter ride.

The state of Virginia is warning of measles exposure from a traveler who passed through Dulles Airport on January 3rd and Reagan Airport on January 4th. The measles achieved Platinum status on United.

SpaceX is holding a charity auction, with bidding starting at $15,000 to send an item to the International Space Station for a month. So far, the high bidder is Melania Trump, who won’t say who or what she’s sending.

Tim Hortons Donut shops in Buffalo are accused of making employees violate a travel ban during a blizzard to come to work. Shop owners said they did it because police were still working.

Imprisoned singer R. Kelly said he wasn’t aware he lost a $10.5 million judgement from women who claimed he victimized them, and that his illiteracy keeps him from understanding legal proceedings. As an example, Kelly claims he just learned his middle name is P.

Royal Caribbean took possession of the world’s largest cruise ship, the Icon Of The Seas. It has 20 decks, weighs 258,000 tons, and can accommodate 1,000 people vomiting at the same time.

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The U.S. is reportedly assessing a leak at a Chinese nuclear power plant. The good news is that radioactivity kills coronavirus. [Story h/t to J.L!]

American middle distance runner Shelby Houlihan was disqualified from Olympic trials for a positive steroid test. Houlihan claims the steroids are from a pork burrito she ate. In other news, the U.S. track team dietician was fired. [Story h/t to T.C.!]

A survey from finance website Wallethub ranked New Jersey as the Number One U.S. state to live in, based on wages, education and the 4th-lowest crime rate in the country. “4th lowest? Get to work!” said New Jersey mob bosses.

Convicted sex offender Harvey Weinstein held his head in his hands when learning of his extradition to California from New York to face five sexual assault charges, and when learning that he’ll have to fly coach on Spirit Airlines.

Mackenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, gave another $2.7 billion of her fortune to 286 organizations. Trump children went 0-for-5 on their applications.

Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil cancelled his next scheduled solo appearance after his voice gave out. His band said if he can’t get his voice in shape before their 2022 Stadium Tour, they’ll use recorded vocal tracks and tour as Motley Vanotley.

Two people were hospitalized for injuries riding a log flume at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey. The log reportedly “tipped up on an angle”, but then behaved normally once park workers removed dead bodies from the water.

Royal Caribbean delayed its first cruise since shutting down for the pandemic, after eight crew members tested positive for COVID-19, and the buffet crab legs tested positive for being the same ones that were there when they docked the ship.

SpaceX is cleared to reuse its rockets for national security missions. And it was cleared to hold a scrap metal sale of the ones that exploded to raise money for rocket fuel.

Peloton users are being warned that they could be watched by hackers accessing their bicycle’s video screens. In response, the company has postponed the planned Topless Tour de Peloton.

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Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away. The remaining justices expressed their condolences in a 5-3 majority opinion.

Bryson Dechambeau won the U.S. Open Men’s Golf Championship by six strokes, in a tournament seen by millions during commercials while football games were on.

As part of contentious divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young is asking for half ownership of the Dr. Dre name. Death Row Records tracks would be rereleased with credits to Dr. Nicole.

Christina Anstead, co-host of HGTV’s ‘Flip Or Flop’ with ex-husband Tarek El Moussa, separated from current husband Ant Anstead. Antstead is her second Flip and soon-to-be second Flop.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged over 500 points early Monday amidst fears of coronavirus and flu season. Stocks are poised to rebound now that the Dow promised to wear a sweater and take Vitamin C.

A woman suspected of sending a letter to the White House poisoned with ricin has been arrested. Her accomplice told her she should have put it in a Big Mac instead.

Royal Caribbean & Norwegian cruise lines submitted new health protocols to the CDC in hopes of gaining approval to sail again. They also submitted plans for new Hospice Cruises for people who wanted to die at sea, anyway.

Palm Springs, California airport is seeing an rapid expansion of air traffic, as travelers seek the dry desert air to escape coronavirus concerns when they come out as gay.

A rare ‘blue moon’ – the second full moon in a month – will light the sky on Halloween night. So trick-or-treaters can say they caught COVID-19 once in a blue moon.

An August 7th wedding in Maine has now been linked to 8 deaths from COVID-19, and more than 50 terrible gifts from cheap guests.

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The NBA Dallas Mavericks are investigating complaints of sexual harassment by their front office executives, and complaints from players that they’re running out of groupies to sexually harass.

According to a USA Today poll, 94% of women in Hollywood claim they’ve been victims of sexual harassment or assault. The remaining 6% are believed dead.

A 22-year-old driver in Detroit lost control of their vehicle and died after striking a giant pothole. Emergency responders arrived, circled the pothole with white paint, and left.

Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines showed off its new Symphony of the Seas, the largest passenger cruise ship in history.  The name Symphony of the Seas comes from the sound of hundreds of passengers with norovirus vomiting at the same time.

Retired hero pilot ‘Sully’ Sullenberger weighed in on controversy surrounding EPA Chief Scott Pruitt’s flying first class because it’s safer than coach. “First class is not safer than economy” said Sullenberger; adding “especially if you’re landing in a river.”

The Transportation Security Authority said that they found 104 firearms in carry-on bags at airports between February 5th and 11th, a new one-week record. 87 of the guns were loaded and 38 had a live round in the chamber, because people flying Southwest really want that aisle seat.

The Philadelphia Eagles filed for a trademark to own the phrase “Philly Special” – the name of their Super Bowl trick play. They face an uphill fight against South Philly prostitutes, who claim they’ve used the phrase to describe a $50 deal on sex that comes with a free pretzel.

A new Quinnipiac University poll finds that 97 percent of Americans want universal background checks for gun buyers, although the other 3 percent said they’d probably want them, too, if you put a gun to their head.

Uber announced a new carpooling service called Uber Express Pool, which it says will cost half as much as Uber Pool. The service works like a bus, where a small group of Uber passengers go to a shared pickup spot, get in, and eat/fart/masturbate until arriving at their stop.

Former Des Moines, Iowa TV meteorologist Frank Scaglione was reportedly banned from visiting his former high school for pursuing underage boys through social media. Scaglione’s attorney denied the charges, saying he was just offering to show the boys what a warm front looks like.

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Royal Caribbean cruise lines is raising its daily gratuity fee to $14.50 per passenger, per day, the third straight year it’s hiked the fee. Royal Caribbean cites increased costs of personnel and cat litter to throw on piles of puke.

Kia and Hyundai are adding Alexa-like assistant functionality to their cars starting in 2019. The automakers are taking two years to research Korean names that Americans won’t butcher each time they try saying them.

Elon Musk said that Tesla is working on an electric pickup truck. The news was confirmed after an image leaked of a decal on the Tesla truck prototype showing Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

The U.S. State Department is updating its travel warnings to a four-color-coded system for citizens planning travel to foreign countries. The safest countries will be blue, followed by yellow, orange, and Red for countries like North Korea or, if you’re the President, Puerto Rico.

According to data from Flurry Analytics, Apple devices accounted for 44% of new global tablet and smartphone activations over the holiday, and 95% of the new cracked screens.

Daryl Tait, a wheelchair-bound resident of Canada’s Yukon Territory, is behind a movement to add ocean surfing to the Summer Paralympic games. “Great idea” said sharks.

The World Health Organization is considering classifying video “gaming disorder” as a disease. A draft from the WHO characterizes it as “recurrent” gaming behavior with “impaired control over gaming”.  The disorder could include behavioral abnormalities as well as loss of multiple lives.

Recent east coast storms have covered Erie, Pennsylvania in 64 inches of snow – the height of an average adult female, and ten times as frigid.

International Falls, Minnesota set a new record of -36 degrees Fahrenheit on Wednesday morning. Local officials advised residents to stay indoors, to halve their odds of freezing to death.

  • The old record was -32 degrees set in 1924, which started a local tradition in International Falls, Minnesota – that being, getting the hell out of International Falls, Minnesota.

Sisters Ivanka and Tiffany Trump posed together in bikinis in a short Christmas video posted to Tiffany’s social media accounts. “Wow. Hot! Hope you share MORE (winking emoji)” posted anonymous commenter “realdjt45”.