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Violence is plaguing Florida beaches during Spring Break. It’s so bad, entrants in wet t-shirt contests are soaked in blood.

Bianca Censori wore only see-through tights and a tube top to dinner with husband Kanye West at a Los Angeles area Cheesecake Factory. Everyone was able to get a good look because their wait for a table was 75 minutes.

Congress agreed to terms on a deal to fund the federal government through September, avoiding a shutdown. The bill provides money for the continued operation of Homeland Security, but omits $464 million requested by House Republicans to prevent fire sales at Mar a Lago and Trump Tower.

Consumer giant Unilever is spinning off its ice cream business, which includes Ben & Jerry’s, Breyers, & others. The move will result in a 6% reduction in the company’s workforce, although they’ll offer severance and outplacement for unemployed cows.

A antitrust settlement is expected to drastically lower commissions for U.S. realtors, who have historically shared 6% of a home’s sale price. Analysts project many realtors will leave the industry for new jobs, leading to a surge in Tupperware parties.

Viral video captured a Florida road rage incident where one trucker was seen firing a gun at another trucker. The shooter was arrested, and the big ol’ convoy broke up.

Actor Ewan McGregor said it was necessary to use an on-set “intimacy coordinator” during sex scenes he recently filmed with his wife Mary Elizabeth Winstead for a tv series. He added it’s just a coincidence that the coordinator was naked.

Tennis pro Arthur Cazaux fainted during the third set of his match in the Miami Open and was forced to forfeit to Harold Mayot. The heat & humidity were cited as a double fault.

The Bachelor Joey Graziadei asked female contestants at the ‘Women Tell All’ reunion episode if they received hate messages through social media. All of them said they had, most from jealous female viewers, and some from men angry their wives wouldn’t let them watch hockey and basketball games.

A Tennessee woman who ordered clothing from online discount retailer Shein received the clothes, along with a dented can of beans and a vial of human blood. Shein apologized, saying the blood & beans are only included with purchases by Shein Prime customers.

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Jeffrey Epstein’s private Caribbean islands are listed for sale at $125 million. But because of their sordid history, they may sell for under 18.

Amidst a wave in Spring Break violence, Miami Beach is banning alcohol sales after 6pm. College drinkers are invited to join senior citizens getting hammered at the Early Bird Special.

Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, texted White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to encourage him to overthrow the 2020 Presidential Election. She would have texted Trump directly, but since she’s 65 and weighs over 150 pounds, Trump wouldn’t give her his number.

570,000 chickens will be culled because of a bird flu outbreak on a Nebraska poultry farm, unless the chickens win an 11th-hour reprieve from the Governor.

A man punched a Southwest Airlines gate agent after being removed from his flight departing Atlanta. He was arrested, jailed, and picked a window seat.

Uber reached a deal to list all New York City taxis on its app – giving cabbies the equal opportunity they’ve sought to sexually harass female passengers.

Netflix will air The Comedy Store’s tribute to Bob Saget as a special this June. A Netflix spokesperson said that after giving Jeff Foxworthy a new special, people will eager to watch an hour-long show about a dead guy.

Russian President Vladimir Putin blamed “cancel culture” for sanctions against Russia taken by countries opposing his invasion of Ukraine. Putin’s edgy hot take earned him a headlining weekend with four shows at Moscow’s Chuckle Dungeon comedy club.

After 50 years, a sample of the Moon’s surface from the 1972 Apollo 17 mission was opened by NASA for testing. The test was a success, as the dust sample was sucked up in no time by a new Dyson hand vacuum.

Scientists determined how boa constrictors keep breathing while squeezing and suffocating their prey. It took a while because the scientist who published the report was still pretty upset watching a snake kill three of his coworkers.

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Miami Beach declared a State Of Emergency following a wave of Spring Break violence. Police continue to monitor a crisis at the MTV Beach House where Vanilla Ice and Color Me Badd have so far refused to release hostages.

Indiana’s GOP Governor Mike Holcomb vetoed a bill banning transgender athletes from school sports – which has nothing to do with his daughter being one home run away from her school’s softball season record.

The body of a man missing for 10 years was found in the freezer of an abandoned London pub. Anyone who ordered the Shepherds Pie in 2012 is advised to get checked out.

Video shows a preschool teacher leading 4-year-olds in an anti-Joe Biden chant – followed by several of the kids complaining that they’re not learning anything in Ms. Palin’s class.

A tornado touched down at a Walmart in Texas. As employees and shoppers ran for cover, the tornado looted several big-screen TVs.

IQAir, a company tracking global air quality, ranked Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands & French New Caledonia as the best. The worst are India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and the ladies room of The View.

Kylie Jenner announced her new son with Travis Scott is no longer named Wolf, because it didn’t feel like it suited him, and because it’s too difficult to spell.

The District Of Columbia sued Grubhub for “deceptive trade practices”, such as excessive fees, and promising food would arrive hot and free of spit.

Over 100,000 Android phone users have been hacked by a Facebook-password-stealing app Craftsart Cartoon Photo Tools. The app turns your pics into a cartoon of you complaining that your nudes just got sent to all of your Facebook friends.

David Rush broke the Guinness World Record by ‘fist-bumping’ 152 people in a minute – a feat made more impressive because many participants kept forgetting and tried shaking his hand instead.

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Updated CDC guidance permits a reduction in separation from 6 feet to 3 feet between students in classrooms – welcome news for bullies with a 36-inch reach.

A 108-year-old Philadelphia woman received the COVID-19 vaccine. Her only complaint was her weight went up 50%.

In a new book, Sharon Stone claims a film producer asked her to sleep with a costar to improve their onscreen chemistry. It was right before Stone left the cast of a Muppet movie.

A new study claims people who walk slowly are more likely to get sick later in life, provided impatient drivers don’t kill them first.

Overseas spectators will be banned from the Tokyo Summer Olympics due to COVID-19 risk, but athletes from around the globe are welcome to be sickened.

40 teachers in a suburban Philadelphia school district called out of work on Friday, citing bad reactions to COVID-19 vaccines, and totally not a day-drinking party to watch the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament.

Miami Beach Police used SWAT teams to disperse spring breakers violating the city’s new 8pm curfew. SWAT officers reportedly had trouble figuring out whose partier’s hands were in the air to surrender, and which were there to wave like they don’t care.

Scientists studying women and newborns claim they’ve identified 50 new chemicals lurking in human bodies – several of them are plastics, the rest are tied to flavor variants of Mountain Dew.

A 27-year-old named Meghann quit tv survival challenge ‘Naked & Afraid’ after four days in a Mexican desert, saying she couldn’t sleep because of biting insects in her genitals. The insects weren’t thrilled with their sleeping arrangements, either.

A Chicago Cubs minor leaguer was arrested for transporting 20 pounds of meth and over a pound of oxycodone pills. He claimed the drugs were necessary to help coaches and teammates overcome the boredom of watching spring training baseball.

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Fitbit is updating its Charge 4 fitness tracker to measure blood oxygen levels, and, presumably, oxygen levels in the drawer where you left it.

The first doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine arrived in Iowa, as farmers fought to get their cows to the front of the line.

Johnson & Johnson announced they expect a COVID-19 vaccine for children around September. Unlike their adult treatment, the children’s vaccine is two doses – a COVID vaccine, and a powerful sedative given before it to prevent meltdowns.

Google says it won’t use new ways of tracking user activity on the web, adding that they know pretty much everything they need to know about you already.

NASA’s Mars Perseverance rover deployed its wind sensor. Mars is 80 degrees below zero, but the “real feel” temp for Martians is 120 below with the wind chill.

A cuttlefish passed a cognitive development test designed for human children. The cuttlefish’s mother then demanded that it be assigned to the gifted school.

Texas announced plans to fully reopen the state and end a face mask mandate, following intense lobbying from Senator Ted Cruz, whose wacky Spring Break hijinks movie begins filming this week on South Padre Island.

Microsoft introduced Mesh, a new virtual reality meeting platform designed to share 3D imagery. So far they’ve booted dozens of male holograms for exposing themselves.

Dolly Parton received her first dose of the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine, and sang a version of her hit ‘Jolene’ changed to ‘Vaccine’. She plans to also release ‘Virus In the (Blood) Stream’, ‘I Will Always Stick You’, and ‘9 to 5′ – How Long You’ll Wait In Line’.

The Washington Football Team will not have cheerleaders in 2021, choosing instead to field a Coed Dance Squad, in order to create an environment where all genders and orientations can be objectified and harassed.

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HGTV’s Christina Anstead changed her Instagram profile to her maiden name, Haack, following her divorce from Ant Anstead. She also hired an exterminator to get rid of Ant’s things.

Paris Hilton said she’s begun in vitro fertilization in the hope of having twins. She said the hardest part is how cold the eggs are after she takes them out of her refrigerator.

Tuesday marked the one-year anniversary of Kobe Bryant’s death. He spent the day trashing other deceased NBA players who won’t pass him the ball.

Tyler Perry received the COVID-19 vaccine, just in time for Friday’s release of his new film: ‘Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry Gets The COVID-19 Vaccine‘.

Trans actor Elliot Page and dancer wife Emma Portner are divorcing, following three years of marriage and arguing about who wears the pants in their family.

China is rolling out COVID testing using anal swabs, saying results are more accurate. However, getting volunteers to work the test sites has gotten tougher.

Florida’s ‘Paramedic Of The Year’ was arrested for forging COVID vaccine documents and attempting to steal doses. His Paramedic Of The Year award was in recognition of getting the most phone numbers from alcohol poisoned girls during Spring Break.

Democratic and Republican Senators reached a power-sharing agreement after discussions of preserving the filibuster. Donald Trump had supported keeping the filibuster, mainly because he thought it was a four-patty Big Mac.

Research indicates using profanity helps pain tolerance. The study followed women talking to their spouses and doctors during childbirth.

Joe Biden announced the purchase of 200 million more doses of COVID vaccines. Government watchdogs condemned the purchase, saying it fell well below the 250 million threshold to qualify for free shipping.

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The Centers for Disease Control is recommending older Americans stay home whenever possible to keep from catching coronavirus. Netflix reportedly paid $80 million to acquire one year’s worth of broadcast rights to ‘Matlock’.

The NBA issued a coronavirus memo to teams saying they should prepare to play games without fans. NBA players wanting to know what it’s like playing in front of no fans are asking WNBA players.

Melania Trump criticized those who made fun of her posting photos overseeing the new White House tennis pavilion. She’s moved on to overseeing hiring the new White House tennis pro, via a series of interviews in her bedroom.

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham recognized International Women’s Day by posting a photo of herself during the birth of her son in January. She said it was the most challenging and amazing thing she’s ever done – losing ten pounds in a day.

IKEA, which closed all 30 of its stores in China amidst the coronavirus outbreak, reopened 14 of them and debuted a new slogan: “If the virus doesn’t kill you, neither will assembling a dresser.”

Cruise passengers stuck on the Carnival Panorama for an extra day finally disembarked in Long Beach. They said the extra time was a minor inconvenience, and that they stayed entertained watching reigning cruise champion norovirus battle coronavirus.

Spring Break destinations popular with college students are said to be monitoring the spread of viral disease, although some people are happy the herpes virus will have some company this year.

Harvey Weinstein, imprisoned at Rikers Island awaiting sentencing for a rape conviction, reportedly hit his head in a fall. Weinstein is not permitted to use a walker, or a stunt double

XFL officials said game attendance is holding steady – and by that they mean all of the players are still showing up.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence will not attend the Congressional St. Patrick’s Day lunch, the first time since its inception that neither the president or vice-president will attend. A White House spokesman cited event host Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment actions, and the absence of Shamrock Shakes on the menu.

 

 

 

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Lori Loughlin has been dropped by all Hallmark Channel productions following her arrest in a college admissions cheating & bribery scandal. “Ch-CHING!!” said Valerie Bertinelli’s agent.

The U.S. Senate blocked a resolution to make the entirety of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report public, but will consider a different resolution to convert the thousands of pages to Cliff Notes.

Actress and mom Keira Knightley said during her appearance on The Tonight Show that the children’s animated show ‘Paw Patrol’ is like “toddler crack”. Knightley faces a lawsuit from the makers of fortified juice box Toddler Crack.

Stanford University examined almost 100 million state & city police traffic stops from 2011 to 2017 and found black & latino drivers were more likely to be stopped and searched. Attractive women were more likely to be stopped and engaged in awkward conversation.

Butterball recalled 80,000 pounds of ground turkey after five people were sickened with salmonella, but it’s still full speed ahead for Chipotle’s new turkey gobbler burrito bowl.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will play a live show at Egypt’s legendary pyramids in Giza. The show is expected to draw a huge crowd of the group’s most loyal longtime fans – local mummies.

The Masked Singer champion, rapper T-Pain, told the crowd at the iHeartRadio Music Awards that when he first met Taylor Swift, he “headbutted” her boobs. T-Pain then signed on for Fox’s new celebrity storytelling competition, The Unmasked Pervert.

Britain’s Thomas Cook Airlines announced they’ll sell a row of three economy seats that can be converted into a bed, for somewhat-affluent creeps who want to grope other passengers or themselves while lying down.

At an employee-only event, Boeing debuted the world’s longest jumbo-jet, the 777X. Because of controversy over grounding of its 737 MAX jets, Boeing didn’t want to make a big splash with the 777 – at least not until a carrier tries flying one across an ocean.

Some U.S. airlines are discontinuing flights to Venezuela in the wake of that country’s civil turmoil.  Affected tour companies are refunding tickets to everyone who purchased a Electronic Blackout & Starvation spring break getaway.

 

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California is considering a new law permitting human consumption of meat from roadkill animals. The legislation is expected to save millions of dollars each year for Arby’s.

CNN plans to host a John Hickenlooper For President town hall meeting next week, only it plans to change the Town Hall to a Tiny Kitchen.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ threatens to dump up to two feet of snow on portions of Nebraska, ruining the Spring Break vacation destination of the nation’s poorest, dumbest college students.

Kentucky Democrats are fundraising to advance retired military pilot Amy McGrath as a candidate to unseat Republican Mitch McConnell. They’re reportedly about halfway to matching the amount of money McConnell has stored in his neck pouch.

Michael Avenatti states that he is no longer the lawyer for Stormy Daniels, choosing to refocus his career on stand-up comedy.

The family of an 11-year-old boy is suing Universal Studios, saying his foot and leg were crushed at the end of the E.T. Adventure ride at Universal’s Orlando theme park. Said the boy: “ouuuch”.

A Cincinnati brewery employee claims he’s fasting and only consuming beer for Lent. Del Hall, sales director for Fifty West Brewing, says he’s already lost 15 pounds, and his job for being hammered all day.

Volkswagen may bring back the iconic ‘Dune Buggy’, revealing what it calls the ID Buggy concept car. It’s electric and runs almost silent, going 0-to-running over toddlers with pails & shovels on the beach in just seconds.

In a study of gummy vitamins, ConsumerLab.com found that gummies are more likely than pills to over- or under-deliver listed ingredients. Mainly because people just eat all the red ones and toss out the other colors.

Twitter is launching a new camera feature. Soon you’ll be able to swipe left to take photos or videos that the app will inexplicably cut off so followers can’t see the whole thing.

 

 

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Fox News retracted its story about a man claiming to be a Navy SEAL who had made a glass presidential sculpture for Donald Trump. The man was never a SEAL and most of his service medals were fake. Fox News apologized and said it was the most grievous error they’d made that day. 

Hailey Baldwin confirmed her marriage to Justin Bieber, changing the name on her Instagram profile to Hailey Bieber. She becomes the 1,432,988th young female Instagram’er to change her last name to Bieber. 

Walmart shoppers on social media called their Black Friday sales ‘chaos’ and criticized them for running out of hot merchandise like iPhones. Walmart said they tried to keep things organized, pairing off like-sized shoppers so they fought in their own weight class. 

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled the Cincinnati Reds do not have to pay a sales tax on the bobbleheads they give to fans for promotions. The Reds successfully argued fans already pay sales tax on tickets, and since the team sucks, they must be paying for the bobblehead. 

According to research published in journal Nature, a specific sugar molecule – mannose – slows the growth of cancer cells. Cancer treatment hospitals promptly raised the price of Cap’n Crunch w Mannose to $2,000/bowl. 

The mayor of Tijuana declared a humanitarian crisis as a group of 5,000 migrants fleeing Central America arrived in the city. He said Tijuana is not ready to handle so many broke men & women making irrational decisions this far ahead of Spring Break. 

A Florida woman who ordered a box of 500 worms for her pet lizard captured video of a woman stealing the parcel off of her doorstep. The woman with the lizard said the thief got ‘karma’, but the woman stealing the box said the jokes on her, because she works for a Worm Rescue. 

An American missionary was killed by a remote tribe of Sentinelese off the Bay of Bengal near India, who have little to no interactions with outsiders. The missionary was unsuccessful converting them to Christianity, but the tribe was successful converting the victim to soup. 

Amazon is making adjustments to help Alexa get ready for the holidays, updating her responses to include “can’t everybody just leave me ALONE for twenty goddamn minutes?!..”

Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving apologized for saying “F*ck Thanksgiving” after a home loss to the New York Knicks on Wednesday night. Irving said he gets how his words were perceived, but claims he was just discussing his plans for having groupies over to his house Thursday.