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The United States Senate acquitted Donald Trump in his impeachment trial. Trump issued a statement calling the decision a complete and total exoneration of banging Stormy Daniels and that Playmate.

Yum Brands – owner of Taco Bell, KFC & Pizza Hut – warned their 2020 results would be impacted by the Wuhan coronavirus. Yum has also halted the rollout of Stuffed Crust Wolf Lovers pizza, Wolf Chalupas, and Famous Wolf Bowls.

Google Maps is getting a redesign, making it easier to accept faster routes that save you 45 seconds by routing you through unfamiliar crime-riddled streets.

February 6th marks the first day of new federal regulations restricting sales of flavored vape pods and eliminating the marketing of vapes to minors. Disney Channel announced they’ll no longer air the episode ‘Handy Manny’s Mango Juul Break’.

Website BroadbandNow released its annual ranking of states where it’s easiest and hardest to get high-speed internet access for $60/month or less. Hawaii was ranked easiest, Alaska was ranked hardest, and Mississippi didn’t participate because who has $60 to throw around?!

Coca-Cola started aggressive marketing for its new Coke Energy drinks, for people who crave the unmistakable original Coke taste and an irregular heartbeat.

Google filed an application with the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office for an operating system it’s calling ‘Pigweed’. The Trump Administration seeks to block it, saying that’s the name they already registered for Nancy Pelosi.

Nike plans a summer 2020 release of its controversial Air Zoom Alphafly NEXT running shoe. The shoe was worn by Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge when he broke the two-hour marathon barrier, and will be worn by thousands hoping to break the ten-minute barrier waiting in line at Starbucks.

After proposing marriage to his dead wife’s maid of honor on the Dr Oz show, Dog the Bounty Hunter celebrated his birthday at Benihana with friends and family. The Asian servers serenaded Dog with ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘No I Don’t Want To Marry You’.

Peloton stock price dropped 12%, as executives reported more Peloton Wives gaining 10% and dropping husbands.

 

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Attorney Michael Avenatti is charged with defrauding client Stormy Daniels. Daniels is alleged to have lost her shirt. And underwear.

President Trump cut short a meeting with Congressional Democrats regarding infrastructure spending, saying he can’t work with them unless they stop their legal investigations. Both sides look forward to the much-needed 18-month-or-more break from seeing each other.

A violent tornado tore through Missouri, injuring at least 20 people. If any injuries resulted in the end of a pregnancy, lawmakers will have the tornado arrested as part of the state’s tough new anti-abortion legislation.

A 102-year-old woman is accused of murdering her 92-year-old neighbor in a French nursing home by strangulation and blows to the head. Investigators call the crime especially heinous since it took her 9 hours to finish. [story h/t to DG]

The NFL announced it’s reducing the number of commercial breaks in the Super Bowl from five per quarter to four, making it 20% more expensive for Bud Light to tell everyone about whatever new crap they’re pushing next February.

Bernie Sanders told McDonald’s workers protesting low pay and sexual harassment that if they vote for him, they’ll get a $15/hour minimum wage and the right to unionize. He also told them he’d like a couple more honey mustard sauce packets for his McNuggets.

Viral video shows a robot dog – HyQMini, built by the Italian Institute of Technology – pulling a 3-ton passenger jet in an amazing feat of technological strength. Researchers then checked the robot dog on to a United Airlines flight, where it promptly died.

Google is updating Google Assistant with more public transit information. Google Assistant can now tell you when your next New York City Subway train is arriving, and panhandlers can now harass you via Google Instant Messenger until you get of rid of them via Google Pay.

A huge amount of water ice has been spotted on Mars, the first sign that the red planet was once inhabited by ancient Philadelphia dirtbags.

Maelyn Jarmon was crowned champion of The Voice, joining others who have won it and gone on to become household names, like…

 

 

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California is considering a new law permitting human consumption of meat from roadkill animals. The legislation is expected to save millions of dollars each year for Arby’s.

CNN plans to host a John Hickenlooper For President town hall meeting next week, only it plans to change the Town Hall to a Tiny Kitchen.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ threatens to dump up to two feet of snow on portions of Nebraska, ruining the Spring Break vacation destination of the nation’s poorest, dumbest college students.

Kentucky Democrats are fundraising to advance retired military pilot Amy McGrath as a candidate to unseat Republican Mitch McConnell. They’re reportedly about halfway to matching the amount of money McConnell has stored in his neck pouch.

Michael Avenatti states that he is no longer the lawyer for Stormy Daniels, choosing to refocus his career on stand-up comedy.

The family of an 11-year-old boy is suing Universal Studios, saying his foot and leg were crushed at the end of the E.T. Adventure ride at Universal’s Orlando theme park. Said the boy: “ouuuch”.

A Cincinnati brewery employee claims he’s fasting and only consuming beer for Lent. Del Hall, sales director for Fifty West Brewing, says he’s already lost 15 pounds, and his job for being hammered all day.

Volkswagen may bring back the iconic ‘Dune Buggy’, revealing what it calls the ID Buggy concept car. It’s electric and runs almost silent, going 0-to-running over toddlers with pails & shovels on the beach in just seconds.

In a study of gummy vitamins, ConsumerLab.com found that gummies are more likely than pills to over- or under-deliver listed ingredients. Mainly because people just eat all the red ones and toss out the other colors.

Twitter is launching a new camera feature. Soon you’ll be able to swipe left to take photos or videos that the app will inexplicably cut off so followers can’t see the whole thing.

 

 

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The latest viral video craze is the Cheese Challenge, where parents capture video while tossing cheese slices on infants’ faces. Critics say if parents want to punish their kids with processed food, they should just wait until they’re old enough for Lunchables.

Volvo will limit the top speed of its vehicles to 112 mph. Police and auto engineers are confident that pedestrians struck & killed by speeding Volvos will survive if the driver is going under 113 mph.

The FDA has approved ketamine nasal spray to treat clinical depression. Side effects include increased sadness when you blow your nose.

Stormy Daniels will make her stand-up comedy debut later this month. No word on who will be fluffing the audience before her headline set.

HBO aired two-part documentary ‘Leaving Neverland’, where two men accuse Michael Jackson of molesting them as young boys. HBO’s next project is ‘Leaving Sunday Mass’, where men & women document molestation by Catholic priests. Part I will air over the course of 12,000 consecutive nights.

The House Judiciary Committee sent letters to over 80 associates & family members of Donald Trump, seeking information about illegal business activity. To ensure they open it, Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr.’s were put in an envelope reading “You May Have Already Won A Million Dollars!”

Legendary pro wrestler King Kong Bundy died at age 61. He is survived by his wife, Queen Kong Bundy.

For just the second time since the global epidemic began, a person has been cured of H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS. The patient in question is still, however, in a bit of a drought getting laid.

Parents of Peter Zhu, a 21-year-old who died after a skiing accident, received a judge’s permission to retrieve his sperm for “.. preserving some piece of our child that might live on.” The accident and subsequent sperm retrieval was called “my worst day ever” by a guy on Ski Patrol.

A 17-year-old Wisconsin teen was charged with putting Xylazine – cow tranquilizers – in his stepfather’s energy drinks. The stepfather’s symptoms included a droopy face, slurred speech, and failure to remember siring at least a half-dozen calves.

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Thanks to a new Federal rule going into effect January 1st, hospitals will be required to list the cost of their standard medical procedures online. Although many hospitals are skirting the rule, posting “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”

The Philadelphia Convention & Visitors Bureau gave $35,000 so the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall – closed due to the government shutdown – could remain open, thus ensuring that hundreds of children will be properly bored.

With 2018 homicides up 11% in the City of Philadelphia, the police department has reassigned the Captain that runs the homicide unit. A department spokesperson told the media that he fell well below the targeted 20% goal.

The remnants of a wrecked 19th century wooden ship washed ashore over the weekend in Stone Harbor, New jersey. Historians believe it may be the wreck of the D.H. Ingraham, a schooner that caught fire off the New Jersey coast, remembered by many as the first floating meth lab.

Instagram users freaked out when the company tested horizontal scrolling of photos/stories versus the traditional vertical-scrolling user interface. Paramedics were called to the home of Kim Kardashian, who spent several hours spinning her iPhone trying to fix it.

Michelle Obama was named Most Admired Woman in an annual Gallup poll, ousting Hillary Clinton, who had held the title for 17 years.  Oprah finished second, and Stormy Daniels did not make the Top 5, despite her videos being admired thousands of times a day.

Stefany Miley, 48, a district judge in Clark County, Nevada was arrested on suspicion of battery for an incident involving her 18-year-old son. She allegedly threw the book at him. And also a laptop & a vase.

The U.S. Office of Personnel Management offered furloughed federal employees a survival guide during the shutdown. One suggestion was to exchange painting or carpentry work for reductions in their rent. Furloughed workers said thanks, but the reason they chose government employment was to avoid any actual work.

Patti Stanger, star of Bravo’s ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’, is going on a live tour to help singles and couples. Although every guy who buys a ticket through Groupon won’t be matched up with any gold diggers in the audience.

Actor Forest Whitaker filed for divorce from his wife of 22 years, citing irreconcilable differences. He’s reportedly keeping his good eye out for a new romance.

Science journal Proceedings of the Royal Society reviewed sexual activity of mammals with a baculum, or penis bone, meant to keep males erect and inside of females. Raccoons have, on average, a full hour of sexual intercourse – during which time they exchange tips on where to find the best garbage.

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Del Monte is recalling more than 64,000 cases of canned ‘fiesta corn’ – mixed with red and green peppers – due to botulism risk. They’re also considering recalling all inventory of canned cream corn because of terroristic threats from grossed-out kids.

Taylor Swift revealed that video kiosks set up at her concerts used facial recognition software to identify her known stalkers in attendance. A ‘command station’ in Nashville held a database of Swift’s stalkers photos for comparison. No reason was given as to why Donald Trump’s photo was in the database.

Amazon lowered the price on a 2nd-generation Alexa-enabled Echo Dot to just $19.99 for its big Christmas Sale. That’s the lowest price ever to surrender any & all privacy in your home.

Melania Trump became the first First Lady to fly in V-22 Osprey, a massive military flight machine that has airplane range, yet lifts off & lands like a helicopter. Her flight took her over the Atlantic Ocean and parts of Virginia, safely landing on the roof of Bergdorf Goodman just before the end of their Christmas shoe sale.

KFC is selling prefab firelogs that smell like their fried chicken when burned.  You can either let the logs burn all the way out, or extinguish them with your own vomit. [h/t to SES & RC !]

Michael Cohen sat for an interview on ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ to discuss his and now-President Trump’s role in paying off Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal. Cohen said of Trump “he knows the truth” — which, for Trump, is a first.

  • Cohen added that he’s “done being loyal to Trump”, and that he’s shifting his loyalty to whomever is boss of his cell block.

Netflix is testing a new feature, ‘Watch That Scene Again’, which allows viewers to immediately re-watch key scenes in movies. They say they got the idea from every guy who’s watched porn, ever.

Facebook admitted that for 12 days, it allowed access to users’ photos that they’d uploaded to Facebook, but had not agreed to share.  Facebook admits that this resulted in the unwanted sharing of boob and penis shots that users were on the fence about while they tried alternate angles & lighting.

A Reuters investigation alleges that Johnson & Johnson for years hid the knowledge that its signature Baby Powder contained cancer-causing asbestos. J&J has yet to deny the reports, but says they aren’t receiving enough credit for the powder preventing babies from catching fire. [h/t to BTT]

Stormy Daniels owes Donald Trump’s lawyers over $293,000 for her failed defamation lawsuit, and is in talks with Scores strip clubs to do high-end shows to earn the money. Her lawyer said  Scores would need to pay more than the current offer she has from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

 

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The bodies of two missing climbers from Iceland have been discovered in a Himalayan glacier, 30 years after they disappeared.  “Those guys haven’t aged a bit!” said several mourners at their funeral.

  • Their families expressed gratitude at finally having closure, but disappointment that the climbers forfeited the deposit on the tent they rented.

The publisher of National Enquirer struck a deal to provide evidence that they buried negative stories about Donald Trump during his run for President. Their lawyers are still working on a settlement in the libel lawsuit brought by the half-man/half-lizard they put on the cover instead.

Lily, a Sesame Street character first introduced as being “food insecure” for not getting enough to eat, is now also the first Muppet on the show to experience homelessness. Begging the question “If that’s true, what the f**k does Mr. Snuffleupagus live in?”

  • Lily is seven years old, has bright pink skin, and red dreadlocks. So things were already pretty damned tough for her.
  • The story of how Lily’s family became homeless remains unclear, only that her dad owes a ton of money to Big Bird.

Melania Trump debuted a new blond look on Fox News. Melania now goes by Stormy Knaus.

A 31-year-old Florida woman on a first date died after falling off the back of a man’s motorcycle on her ride home, then being run over several times on a highway. The man never returned to the scene of the accident, although he did show up at the funeral to see if she has a cute sister. [h/t to Don M!!]

Old Bay seasoning is suing a spice manufacturer over the name of their product, ‘New Bae’. Lawyers for New Bae say they aren’t real competition for Old Bay, because once men & women get New Bae on their tongue, they’re pretty tired of it.

Danielle Goldsmith, a former NFL cheerleader, diagnosed her own rare medical condition – pectus excavatum, a sunken sternum that can inhibit breathing – after multiple doctors dismissed her chest pain and shortness of breath as ‘anxiety’. She urged other women seeking medical advice to “be aggressive..be, be aggressive!!”

A leaked Google memo advises staff not to give gifts like logo shirts to “temps, vendors & contractors (TVCs)”, because they don’t want TVCs to feel like they’re full-time employees. The memo goes on to say that if TVCs sexually harass women, they’re to be fired, instead of getting a 7-figure severance & going-away party of a full-timer.

A 57-year-old Washington man was sentenced to nine months in jail after police found his remote treehouse that had framed images of child pornography on the walls. He’s already received four offers for the place from Tiny House enthusiasts with money to redecorate.

“Ghosting” is now happening more frequently in the workplace, as employees simply leave for a new job without notifying their employees or coworkers. Human Resources workers are frustrated and worried that they’ll be phased out now that employees can just fire themselves.

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President Trump warned of a rush to judgment regarding the disappearance of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who vanished after entering the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul. Critics say Trump is giving room for the Saudis to deny involvement, and a chance to give Trump tips on how to make reporters disappear.

Trump also posted a gloating tweet after Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against him was dismissed, calling her “horseface”. A self-satisfied Trump then spent an hour applying bronzer and a second hour fixing his combover.

No winners were declared in the record Mega Millions lottery, swelling the current jackpot to $868 million — and keeping revenge fantasies alive for at least two more days.

Roseanne Barr’s character on series reboot The Conners was killed off by a opioid overdose.  The fictitious death was confirmed by an autopsy, because apparently lower-middle-class nobodies get full-blown autopsies in the impoverished Midwest town where The Conners live.

Research published in medical journal PLOS Medicine suggests that people who consume large quantities of dairy fat like cheese lessen their risk of developing Type 2 diabetes — mainly because heart disease kills them before they have a chance.

North Carolina resident Jimmy Shue said that he gave his first name to a Wendy’s employee to confirm his order, but when he picked it up, the name ‘Chubby’ was written on it. Shue says he was targeted because of his weight, but a Wendy’s spokesperson said that’s the default name they put on everyone’s receipts.

Canada ended an almost-hundred-year ban on marijuana as the country legalized and regulated its sale for recreational use.  So far, the top-selling flavor is plain, followed by maple.

In Illinois, Dr. Constantino Perales was sentenced to 12 years in prison after being found guilty of giving oxycodone and Xanax prescriptions in exchange for sex. Dr Perales is expected to work in the prison infirmary, exchanging drugs for much less appealing sex.

A neuroscience professor at Emory University using MRI scans said he has proven that dogs are capable of understanding the words that humans say to them. He theorizes that cats understand human words too, they just don’t care.

Melania Trump visits Philly today for an appearance at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital to promote a new offshoot of her Be Best campaign, called Not For Nothin Youse Should, Like, Be Best — Y’Know?

 

 

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A federal judge dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation suit against President Trump, saying that Trump calling Daniels’ claims of threats & harassment “a total con job” was just ‘rhetorical hyperbole’. The judge added that he can’t really remember Trump using language that wasn’t ‘rhetorical hyperbole’.

Former American Idol Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba was arrested & charged with dealing heroin.  Her next performance will be a blues number.

Los Angeles Dodgers announcing legend Vin Scully declined an invite from Fox Sports’ Joe Buck to join him in the broadcast booth during the Dodgers/Brewers playoff game. Scully said that he wouldn’t want to get in the broadcasters’ spotlight in any way, especially if it meant listening to Joe Buck.

A Tennessee father attacked his son with a chainsaw, then lost his leg when the son ran over him with a riding lawn mower in self-defense. The father was charged with second-degree attempted murder, and neighbors were left wondering who was going to clean up the huge mess in the yard.

Lady Gaga confirmed her engagement to talent agent Christian Carino, or, as he’ll soon be known, Lord Gaga.

A New England Patriots fan who dumped beer on Kansas City wide receiver Tyreek Hill has been identified and had his case turned over to local law enforcement. He has also been banned from all Gillette Stadium events – but was spotted at a local Halloween store buying a disguise for a Kenny Chesney concert.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren made public results of a DNA test that she says proves her claim of Native American heritage. The DNA was swabbed from a deck of cards at an Indian casino where she worked as a blackjack dealer.

Will Smith appeared on wife Jada Pinkett Smith’s Facebook show, ‘Red Table Talk’ to discuss a low point in their marriage. Will Smith said that his wife ” woke up and cried for 45 days straight.” Jada said that she was drinking too much, and had also just watched ‘After Earth’.

Singer Roger Daltrey said in a new memoir he discovered he had fathered three ‘secret’ daughters in the time between his first and second marriages. “Who are you? Who? Who?” he asked them.

An article by Gizmodo claims that the ‘Do Not Track’ privacy feature in web browsers doesn’t work because websites refuse to abide by it. This was noticed by a guy receiving a gift basket on his fifth anniversary buying Pornhub Premium.

 

 

 

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Social media platform Path is closed down. “Where’d everybody go?” asked the one guy on Path who didn’t work at Path.

NFL players continued to express anger at officials enforcing new rules designed for player safety.  In Sunday’s games, referees threw 11 flags for Roughing The Passer, and another four for Hurting the Passer’s Feelings.

Taylor Swift caused controversy by endorsing Tennessee Democratic Senate candidate Phil Bredesen, who’s running against Republican incumbent Marsha Blackburn. Blackburn’s spokesperson said they plan to wait until Swift breaks up with Bredesen and writes a stinging kiss-off song about him.

In London, after selling for $1.4 million at Sotheby’s auction house, a painting from street artist Banksy shredded itself.  In south Philadelphia, a velvet airbrushed painting of Eagles QB Carson Wentz sold at a gas station for $30 and was later found shredded,  but the buyer’s wife denied doing it.

Microsoft said that they have a fix for files that are being deleted when pc users update to the latest version of Windows 10. They told customers to stay on the lookout for the patch, coming soon to Windows 14.

Stormy Daniels said she bumped into former Trump attorney Michael Cohen at an airport and that Cohen “said hi”. Daniels then boarded a flight to Los Angeles and “bumped into” six or seven other guys on the set of her new project.

Brewers of deep discount swill Natural Light are issuing a limited edition 77 Pack of 12-ounce cans. They say the 77 pays homage to 1977, the year of its creation – and also to the .77 blood alcohol content you’ll have when you die trying to finish it.

The newest food and beverage craze is CBD, or cannabidol, derived from the cannabis plant. Unlike THC, CBD has no psychoactive properties, so experts predict widespread first-time usage, followed by widespread anger at CBD dealers for selling liquid oregano.

President Trump praised First Lady Melania Trump’s visit to Africa, saying that she had done “a tremendous job representing our country in Africa– like no one has before.” Critics called his statement absurd, but fact-checkers agreed with the President, saying no First Lady visiting Africa had pulled off so many photo ops and costume changes.

A VICE article highlighted the disgusting trend of human feces being left on trails at some of the U.S.’s most popular national parks — citing visible piles of human waste at California’s John Muir Trail, Washington’s Olympic National Park, and Tennessee’s Dollywood.

Australian Apple Watch users experienced a glitch when the Apple Watch repeatedly failed after Australia moved to Daylight Savings Time. Apple CEO Tim Cook said they hadn’t anticipated Apple Watch customers caring how well the device kept time.