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Research finds 35% of tattoo inks are contaminated w bacteria. And nearly 75% are contaminated with bad ideas

The blue light emitted from using your smartphone at night could lead to a higher risk of Type 2 diabetes. Especially if you’re using the light to see the bucket of chicken you’re eating in the dark.

Auto dealer software CDK was restored after a nearly two-week ransomware attack. The hackers finally returned control of the software after the dealers finally agreed to purchase the extended warranty.

The price of Forever stamps increases to 73 cents on July 14th. For $1.73 you can get Forever After stamps to send snail mail to dead people.

37 Massachusetts beaches were closed due to harmful levels of bacteria in the water. Officials tested the water after noticing sharks vomiting up the hands and feet they’d bitten off of swimmers.

A Delta flight from Detroit to Amsterdam was diverted to New York’s JFK Airport because some of the in-flight meals had spoiled. They’d have kept going if it was just the Coach meals, but Business & First Class had spoiled too.

Extreme heat caused a “pavement heave” that backed up traffic for miles on New Jersey’s Garden State Parkway. Meanwhile on the New Jersey Turnpike, a “rest stop heave” backed up counter service for a half hour at Roy Rogers.

Las Vegas set a new record temperature of 120 degrees, shattering the old record of 117 degrees. Several senior citizens bet the over but died walking to the casino to collect.

Middle schoolers were found to have created 20 fake TikTok accounts impersonating their teachers in Chester County, Pennsylvania. The students will not be punished, and the results of the Chester County Middle School Teacher Fart Contest have been nullified.

Paramount corporation will merge with Skydance, just as soon as they can figure out what to call Paramount+Skydance Plus Max Flix.

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The U.S. weight loss boom created by drugs like Ozempic & Wegovy is causing a surge in sales of protein powder and meal replacements. And replacement pants.

Donald Trump said he wants all of America’s bitcoin mined in the U.S. He then asked if there’s any risk of getting caught underground in a bitcoin mine.

A hospice worker shared the regrets they hear most often from dying patients – including wishing they worked less, followed their dreams, told people their true feelings, and didn’t take the TikTok challenge that landed them in hospice.

As Americans rail against “tip creep”, an etiquette expert said it’s okay to not tip in 5 situations: home repair work; counter service; at open-bar events; when service is poor; and when your spouse finally agrees to have sex with you.

Finland – where workers are reportedly the happiest of any civilized nation – say “flexibility” is most important to workplace happiness. That’s why hiring managers always look for the most flexible women and men before offering them a job.

Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs will not allow champion Joey Chestnut in their July 4th Hot Dog Eating Championship after he entered a sponsorship agreement with Impossible plant-based hot dogs. Instead Chestnut is expected to cruise to victory in the Vegan Hot Dog Eating Championship, where he’ll stuff his face while the other competitors ask organizers to list the ingredients in the hot dogs.

Police in Chistiana, Delaware are looking for a hit-and-run driver who struck a pedestrian outside of the emergency room. An ambulance driver called the incident “his shortest trip ever”.

Whole Foods CEO said in an interview what he considers “the #1 employee red flag” – a guy aiming his penis at the produce.

The Supreme Court unanimously upheld the right to access mifepristone, an abortion pill. Justic Brett Kavanaugh wrote the opinion – and the check for his girlfriend to get hers as soon as possible.

Australian porn star Alicia Davis was hospitalized for two days after an anal plug was pushed completely inside of her. Doctors were able to successfully remove it. along with several costume jewelry items, a tv remote, and a set of brass knuckles.

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New research finds getting angry for just 8 minutes can raise the risk of heart attack and stroke. Doctors advise using relaxation techniques, or training to beat people up in 7 minutes or less.

A Pro-Palestine protestor on the campus of Stanford University was pictured wearing a Hamas headband. Even more disturbing was the protestor saying he bought the headband at Fanatics.

Women are reporting sagging ‘Ozempic breasts’ due to loss of fatty tissue as they drop weight. They say they can’t afford restorative implants because of Ozempic’s cost, so they’re turning to padded bras and the McDonald’s Dollar Menu.

TikTok and Universal Music Group agreed to an increased royalty payment structure, so now music from Universal artists like Ariana Grande and Billie Eilish can play while you attempt the newest deadly viral challenge.

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency plans to declassify marijuana as a less-dangerous Schedule III narcotic, thereby opening up legal interstate sales of it, and the inevitable Amazon Basics Weed.

Nose-pickers are more likely to incur serious staph infections. And are also more likely to lie about how they got a staph infection.

Red Lobster is reportedly on the verge of Chapter 11 bankruptcy, owing to ongoing losses from a popular Endless Shrimp promotion, and low demand for its Endless Mixed Vegetables promotion.

The judge in Donald Trump’s hush-money trial is holding another gag order hearing. He’s considering issuing a Talk All You Want About Anything Order, in hopes that Trump will violate that and shut up for once.

Viral video of a Miami-area bowling alley brawl shows one woman throwing bowling balls at another woman and hitting her in the head. There haven’t been this many Miami women getting hit with balls since Diddy’s last mansion party.

The executor of O.J. Simpson’s estate invited the families of murder victims Nicole Brown & Ronald Goldman to a meeting. He wouldn’t reveal any planned compensation to the families, but he did ask them if they needed golf clubs or football cards.

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A Philadelphia man was assaulted by dirt bikers & ATV riders as they tried to steal his scooter. Philadelphia notches the first recorded case of ScootJacking.

Dora The Explorer is getting a reboot on Paramount +, after Dora emerged from extensive counseling following her work with Nickelodeon’s Dan Schneider in the early 2000s.

Five military horses escaped and ran wild through the streets of central London, damaging cars and injuring pedestrians. Authorities pursued the horses through late afternoon, until the horses stopped for tea & scones.

Actress Christina Applegate said on her podcast that she’s been sick for three weeks with sapovirus – accidental ingestion of human fecal matter. Applegate announced she’s no longer a Brand Ambassador for Saladworks.

TikTok’s CEO vowed to fight a U.S. law requiring the Chinese government’s sale of the app within a year. The U.S. Government said if they can’t make them sell it, they’ll make them change the name to MySpace and everyone will just stop using it.

South Korea is considering a ban on the iPhone for use by their armed forces, because they deem it a security threat. This follows a move by North Korea, which has already banned paper cups atttached to strings for the same reason.

Motley Crue signed with record label Big Machine, with frontman Vince Neil saying “we don’t want to stagnate”. This Friday, they’ll release a new single, ‘Dogs Of War’, with Billboard projecting it could land at #1 on the Stagnated Dinosaur Rock chart.

Theresa Nist, ex-wife of Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, told People magazine in a new interview that she “found a new joy in life” – as she opened the drawer of her nightstand.

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy said WNBA star Caitlin Clark is getting “screwed” by Nike over her 8-year, $28 million endorsement deal that includes a signature Clark shoe. Nike defended the deal, saying it also includes a matching Caitlin Clark belt and handbag.

A Texas high school cheerleader who was named Valedictorian was notified that a calculation error was found, dropping her to 3rd in the class. However, her measurements were verified so she still gets to keep her cheerleading scholarship offers.

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A Carnival Cruise ship rescued 27 Cuban migrants adrift on a wooden boat bound for the U.S. They were taken on board, given food, and examined by the medical team after all of them contracted norovirus 10 minutes after boarding the Carnival ship.

O.J. Simpson was cremated. The Juice is now pulp.

A judge is considering holding Donald Trump in contempt of court for violating gag orders during his hush money trial, then holding him in contempt of court for complaining about being found in contempt of court, and so on..

Actress Anne Hathaway said in the early 2000s she had to ‘make out’ with 10 different actors auditioning to co-star in a film with her as a way of testing ‘chemistry’. The part went to the straight guy.

April 27th is the Drug Enforcement Agency’s ‘National Takeback Day’. Parents are encouraged to turn in unused prescription medications at designated sites, but to be careful not to use undesignated sites manned by high school stoners.

Taylor Swift revealed what inspired the 31 songs on her new album The Tortured Poets Department – 1 catchy riff that was stuck in her head, and 30 feelings of hatred and betrayal by old boyfriends.

NASA received its first update in five months from Voyager 1, the most distant spacecraft from Earth, reading “so sorry, totally slammed…s’up?”

A Virginia mom won $1,000,000 from a Powerball ticket purchased by her adult son. She then asked him why he has money for lottery tickets but not rent.

An Austrian company wants to build submersible superyachts for billionaires. Billionaires are skeptical of the business plan, since an underwater craft has nowhere for topless supermodels to sunbathe.

A mommy influencer on TikTok pushes the “9 minute theory” – the most important 9 minutes of your child’s day. It’s about picking 9 minutes of movies or cartoons that kids will sit still for while parents have sex.

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American Airlines announced a round trip flight from Philadelphia to Brazil for the Eagles season opener. Brazil Customs is training agents to deal with a plane load of drunks replying “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!..” when asked if they have anything to declare.

The Today Show profiled 110-year-old Vincent Dransfield of Little Falls, New Jersey, who lives on his own and drives his Hyundai sedan every day. A special summit between New Jersey home invaders and carjackers was held to see who gets first dibs.

Gene Simmons of KISS mentored competitors on American Idol. Female singers requested restraining orders and male singers said they didn’t have the $1,000 he demanded for a 10-minute conversation.

Cher & Mary J. Blige were among the new inductees to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. In other news Judas Priest was among the inductees to the Childrens Music Hall of Fame.

Donald Trump’s hush money case began in New York with opening arguments – starting with Trump in the hallway outside the courtroom arguing with nobody.

Younger voters claim American democracy is failing – not because of partisan politics or aging presidential candidates, but they’re worried they could lose TikTok.

Divorcing Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and soon-to-be-ex Theresa Nist have a prenuptial agreement, and highly recommend it to others. They also recommend that it be prepared in 30-point typeface.

LPGA golfer Nelly Korda won the Chevron Championship, her fifth consecutive tournament win, bringing her total winnings to over $2.4 million this season, and bringing her text messages from WNBA players offering to be her caddy.

A school in Australia set off 2,013 confetti cannons at the same time to set a world record. The school janitor then announced he quit.

A British sheep farmer said he uses Axe Body Spray on his male sheep to mask hormones that keep them from fighting each other. The bad news is female sheep won’t breed with them because of the smell.

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San Francisco 49ers QB Brock Purdy got married to Jenna Brandt. Said the officiant: “I now pronounce you Purdy & Purdy-er”

Actress Neve Campbell is returning for horror flick Scream 7 after abandoning Scream 6 over inadequate pay. Producers may kill her off after that, and she’ll be Scream 8-ed.

A Conoco gas station in Camden, New Jersey was found to be selling fuel contaminated with 58% water. The gas was also really expensive because water there costs $3.50 a bottle.

A man impersonating a nurse at a suburban Philadelphia urgent care asked a woman there taking a pre-employment drug test to urinate while he watched, then gave her his phone number. They both ended up disappointed; he was arrested and she failed the drug test.

A New Jersey cockfighting ring was broken up. Police grabbed dozens of cocks, and organizers face 3 to 5 years cooped up.

Atlantic City’s boardwalk is getting $20 million in upgrades — $19,500,00 for new planks, and $500,000 in bedroom furniture underneath it for prostitutes.

British pop singer Lily Allen said in an interview that her children “complete” her, but that they also “ruined her career”. Allen spoke following the release and disappointing sales of her new single ‘Wheels On The Bus’.

Jennifer Lopez canceled several dates on her ‘This Is Me…Now’ Tour, notifying ticketholders ‘This Was Supposed to Be Me…But Isn’t…Now’.

The House of Representatives passed a bill to force TikTok to divest from its Chinese parent company or be banned in the U.S. The bill gained bipartisan support, from Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg and X’s Elon Musk.

Child actor Drake Bell accused a Nickelodeon network voice coach of sexual abuse during the filming of his ‘Drake & Josh’ tv show. Ironically, the voice coach told him not to speak up.

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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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Donald Trump is rumored to have lost weight using diabetes drugs like Ozempic or Mounjaro. However, Trump’s doctor said he “has reduced his weight through an improved diet and continued daily physical activity.” Then firefighters were called to the doctor’s office to extinguish his pants.

A U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Philadelphia was robbed at gunpoint by a man demanding the keys for mailboxes. The robber took the keys and finished his route in half the time.

The state of California is concerned that LA Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani is dodging taxes by deferring $680 million of his record-breaking contract. Ohtani is also concerned that he has a structured settlement but he needs cash now.

Cosmopolitan magazine released a special ‘Sex After 60’ issue. It contains 50 pages of ads, and is 53 pages total.

Child researchers say screen time for children younger than two years old could lead to sensory development issues and learning disabilities. The problem is particularly bad for babies sitting in their grandparents lap while they watch Fox News.

A viral TikTok video features a woman claiming to use LinkedIn as a dating app. Then after the dates she endorses the men for skills like Orgasm Management.

NBA star Ja Morant of the Memphis Grizzlies – who’d been suspended for social media videos waving a handgun – will miss the remainder of the season with a shoulder injury. Both the suspension and injury left Morant unable to shoot.

Lawyers for Donald Trump in his presidential immunity hearing offered a “qualified yes” when asked if a president is immune from prosecution for ordering Navy SEALs to kill a rival candidate. Trump explained Joe Biden is President of Al Qaeda.

The World Economic Forum shared their 10-year outlook, saying the world could suffer catastrophic consequences in the next decade, citing climate change, artificial intelligence, and the reintroduction of the Double Big Mac.

Armed men stormed a TV station in Ecuador during a live broadcast and took several station workers hostage, amidst the nation’s battle with drug gangs. Concerned viewers were frightened, but also frustrated at having to wait until the 11 O’Clock News to find out what happened.

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Gaston Glock, inventor of the Glock handgun, died. The family is currently auditioning 750 different rappers to deliver the eulogy.

Boeing is calling for inspections of its 737 Max jets for possible ‘loose bolts’. They’re also urging inspection of the entire Spirit Airlines fleet for “being 50 years old”.

A Tesla robot injured a human employee at the company’s Texas factory, clawing his back and drawing blood. The robot has since been recruited away to motivate workers at an Amazon warehouse.

Bethenny Frankel said she was searched at LAX after her vagina triggered an airport metal detector. She added that no metal was found, just her neck pillow and another carry-on bag.

BlendJet portable blenders were recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because their blades could break and the motor could catch fire – giving everyone who got them as Christmas gifts two more terrific reasons to return them.

Meadow Walker, daughter of late actor Paul Walker, announced she and her husband are amicably divorcing after marrying in 2021. While the marriage was fast, neither are furious.

A 3-year-old video from Celebrity Apprentice staffer Noel Casler claims Donald Trump wears diapers and that he’s incontinent from drug use, explaining other recent claims that Trump smells bad. Trump disputed claims of his incontinence, saying he’s always lived in North America.

Powerful 20-foot waves along the California shore are breaching seawalls and damaging buildings along the coastline. So far over a dozen surfer dudes have been pulled out of third-floor windows because it’s, like, soooooo gnarly.

Sephora customers are posting TikTok videos saying they’ve stopped using Sol de Janeiro body butter because it attracts spiders. Experts dispute this, but the spiders say that body butter improves the taste of flies.

Natalie Reynolds, an influencer, wore body-painted leggings over a bikini bottom to a California gym. Commenters debated the appropriateness of her body-painted bottoms, while other gym members were angry at having to wipe down machines with turpentine after she used them.