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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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Country singer Kacey Musgraves collaborated on a $56 candle with company Boy Smells…since Gwyneth Paltrow already had the candle market for Girl Smells cornered.

Singapore reportedly paid Taylor Swift millions to be the only nation in Southeast Asia hosting her Eras Tour. Nonetheless, North Koreans called watching Kim Jong Un in a blonde wig lip-syncing to three hours of her songs ‘the greatest concert ever’.

Kanye West was told he couldn’t perform shows in Europe, Australia & Asia because of his ‘controversial image’. There’s that, and those countries’ shortage of blacks.

Good news: a new study finds taking daily fiber supplements improves brain function in adults 60 & older in a matter of weeks. Bad news: the seniors now do all their best thinking while on the toilet.

Donald Trump supporters are allegedly creating AI deepfake pictures of him with black people to convince them to vote for him. They say it’s working, but others don’t believe that’s really him playing in the NBA All-Star Game.

A man died of Vitamin D toxicity, according to an autopsy showing he had lethal levels of milk & sunshine.

Spirit Airlines & JetBlue cancelled their merger plans .. and about 100 flights each just to show they were back to business as usual.

A 42-year-old resident of Wales broke a world record with 69 different tattoos of rabbits on his body. He started in 2009 with two, and they’ve rapidly multiplied in the years since.

Three American Bald Eagle eggs are set to hatch in Southern California, with livestream cameras set up to capture the unique event. Although bird watchers are furious that they have to subscribe to the mother bird’s OnlyFans to see it.

The NFL is considering moving touchbacks to the 35 yard line of the receiving team, in order to encourage more kick returns to keep the ambulance drivers and concussion specialists busy.

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A new study finds high-school students who take a personal finance course realize a $100,000 wealth benefit later in life. Also, young couples who pay attention in health class realize a $300,000 lifetime benefit by not getting pregnant.

A University of Pennsylvania professor claims the word “because” is a ‘magic word’ that helps you influence people to do things. However, your spouse already knows this and it’s why they say “because I have a headache”.

The first Jordan-branded ‘World Of Flight’ Nike retail store in the U.S. will open in Philadelphia. When the store opens in spring it’ll host the first-ever Grand Looting Event.

Tourist attraction The John Wick Experience is opening in Las Vegas. Because apparently people can’t get enough of mass shootings.

NBA player Steph Curry defeated the WNBA’s Sabrina Ionescu in a 3-point shooting ‘Battle of the Sexes’ at the NBA All-Star Game. Other NBA players privately engaged in their own Battle of the Sexes over child support.

A man with a severe milk allergy is suing McDonald’s over a slice of cheese mistakenly placed on his Big Mac, which he claims almost killed him. Luckily he was in a McDonald’s where they’ve added lifeguards to the dining room.

Donald Trump called “indictment” the ‘N-word’ during a speech. “Indictment, please…” said Barack Obama.

Rumors are circulating that Paramount and Comcast may merge their Paramount + and Peacock streaming services. Details are scarce, but they’re reportedly stuck on whether to call it Peamount+ or Paracock.

NBA analyst Charles Barkley criticized the city of San Francisco, saying it’s full of “homeless crooks”, and adding that you can’t walk around the city unless you have a bulletproof vest, also known as a shooting guard.

The Daytona 500 was postponed one day due to rain. The race will take place today, officially kicking off Redneck New Year.

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Historians have traced the romantic act of kissing on the lips as far back as 4,500 years, which is also when they discovery date of the first-ever Friend Zone.

The White House briefed lawmakers on a ‘serious national security threat’ related to Russia. They wouldn’t provide specifics, but said the threat probably had a Big Mac and Diet Coke for lunch before it went golfing.

Singles are reportedly sick of dating apps, and are increasingly attending in-person singles mixers to find partners. For their part, Tinder and Grindr say the “singles mixers” they help set up are still going strong.

The inventor of Pop-Tarts has died. He chose not to be cremated, but lightly browned.

Waymo, the self-driving car division of Google, recalled software after two of its vehicles struck the same truck. The truck had apparently cut them both off, spurring robot rage.

A sinkhole in Wilmington, Delaware partiallly swallowed a United States Postal Service truck. Fortunately, the rats living beneath the street were able to retrieve their Priority Mail packages themselves.

Two moms who work at McDonald’s are suing, because they say their break time is insufficient to pump breast milk, and that there’s no private place to do it. They also say they’re tired of managers suggesting they put any extra in the McFlurry machine.

A former Penn State University professor who’d already been arrested for having sex with his pet collie was arrested again for nudity in a public park with a tree branch and a Tootsie Pop in his rectum. Meanwhile, the collie just wants to move on with her life.

Rachel Dolezal, a white woman who famously identified as black, was fired from an elementary school teaching job over her OnlyFans account. She’s also confusing the OnlyFans customers who find her in the Ebony section.

The U.S. Government is looking to sell the seized $300 million yacht of a Russian oligarch because it costs $600,000 per month to maintain – including cleaning, marina rental, and feeding 200 prostitutes.

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A transgender Michigan woman lost a court case when a judge ruled she could not sue her ex-boyfriend for humiliation she suffered when he discarded her removed testicles. Ironically, the judge said she had a lot of balls for even trying.

A new Gallup poll finds married people report being much happier in life. Although some experts say the poll is biased because single people were too busy having sex and doing cool stuff without kids to finish it.

Oakland, California businesses are closing or moving at an unprecedented rate because of violent crime. It’s so bad, Major League Baseball’s Oakland Athletics are moving to Las Vegas because they can’t play home games on account of all the stolen bases.

Joe Biden criticized a special counsel report on his mishandling of classified documents, calling him an elderly man with a bad memory. Biden says his memory is fine, and if you don’t believe him, ask that black guy he worked with for a few years, O’whatshisname.

Grammarly is laying off 230 employees, starting with the guy who emailed his co-worker “I think their laying me of”.

Taylor Swift tripped on stairs and nearly fell onstage during her Tokyo concert. Fans are eager to hear The Tortured Poets Department special bonus track “Cheap-Ass Japanese Steps”.

A Centers For Disease Control report claims teens are increasingly using drugs and alcohol for stress relief. Teens used to stress out about getting drugs and alcohol, but thankfully there’s DoorDash.

Culture & entertainment website Vulture ranked all 122 Billy Joel songs. They were going to rank all 121, but Joel released ‘Turn The Lights Back On’ last week that landed at #122.

The film ‘Miller’s Girl’ – about a male high school English teacher’s affair with a female student – is drawing attention to a sex scene between 52 year old actor Martin Freeman and 21-year-old actress Jenna Ortega. While many have called it “gross” and “inappropriate”, many high school teachers called it “accurate”.

A 20-year-old female prison guard was arrested after having sex with an inmate at the men’s jail. The man said at first he thought she was a lawyer after offering to help him get off.

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Masturbation abstinence ‘nofap’ groups are growing in popularity online. Men say they’re a great way to regain control of your life, and to get awesome ‘please come back to Pornhub Premium’ discount offers.

Real estate website Zillow projects Buffalo, NY to be 2024’s “hottest housing market”, as Zillow experts tried, and failed, to find a better adjective to describe Buffalo home sales.

Rizo Lopez Foods is recalling multiple grocery-stores cheeses including Oaxaca, Blanco Suave, Ricotta & Panela for lethal listeria contamination, which has reportedly already taken the lives of exotic Mexican cheese-eating mice.

Toyota announced plans to build new 3-row, all-electric SUVs in Kentucky, then ship them to states where people know how to use electricity to charge them before they’re sold.

Squatters in Atlanta were arrested for occupying a home and running an illegal strip club in it. The house was eventually listed for sale with 3 bathrooms and 4 Champagne Rooms.

Actor/comedian Kumail Nanjiani said he sought therapy to deal with bad reviews of Marvel’s ‘The Eternals’, in which he co-starred. He got the name of the therapist from Brie Larson, who uses them after every ‘Captain Marvel’ movie appearance.

Kanye West said he’s having difficulty booking arena shows due to his antisemitic rants. But he’s also pretty revved up about his upcoming tour of Iraq, Iran & Syria.

ESPN, Fox Sports & Warner Discovery are teaming up to launch a new streaming service dedicated to sports. Cable companies Xfinity, Spectrum & Cox announced they’re launching a new streaming service dedicated to telling customers their Internet bill is going up.

Travis Kelce’s mom, Donna, revealed that ‘pricey’ multi-million-dollar Super Bowl suites may force her to sit in a ‘regular’ seat. Or, ideally, to just stay home, drink wine and watch the Puppy Bowl without having to hug Taylor Swift every 15 minutes.

For the second straight year, U.S. liquor sales outpaced sales of beer & wine. The spirits industry said sales remain strong because of vodka, tequila, and a surge in the number of healthy livers for transplant.

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A woman was arrested at an airport in Colombia for attempting to smuggle 130 poisonous dart frogs in her luggage. Worse, each of the frogs had swallowed several tiny balloons filled with cocaine.

Researchers believe they’ve found a link between ALS and smoking. They’re considering changing it from Lou Gehrig’s Disease to Joe Camel Disease.

Economists predict Valentine’s Day spending to top $14 billion – no thanks to your cheap boyfriend and his grocery store bouquet.

Two men drifting in the ocean after their boat sank were rescued by a passing Carnival Cruise ship – but only after the men asked if there was another, nicer, cruise ship coming along anytim soon.

Legendary singer/dancer/actress Chita Rivera died. She’s survived by her lesser-known sister, PlaysByTheRules Rivera.

National Geographic listed their 2024 Top Travel Destinations, including West Virginia. In other news, National Geographic’s Senior Travel Editor entered rehab for treatment of addiction to methamphetamine.

A 60-year-old woman was arrested after attacking a Frontier Airlines flight attendant who kept her from using the lavatory while the plane descended for landing in Philadelphia. Either way, sh*t was gonna go down.

UPS is cutting over 12,000 jobs, mostly middle management and contractors, but not whoever’s emailing to tell you your package shipped when they’ve only printed a label.

The maker of popular Stanley travel mugs say they contain lead, but are still safe, and that drinking from them will make you feel fuller, faster.

Elmo the Muppet posted on X to ask how everyone’s feeling, and many responded that they’re not doing great and may need help. Elmo sympathized, saying it hasn’t been easy living with a guy’s hand up his ass for over forty years.

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A new study finds performing music helps retain brain function as you age. Plenty of tickets still remain for the AARP-sponsored Rolling Stones Retaining Our Brain Function Tour.

Citing the $1,000-a-month cost, state employees in North Carolina will no longer be reimbursed for weight-loss drugs Wegovy and Ozempic. North Carolina said they’ll save the money now and spend it on fixing the heart attacks later.

Team USA 2022 Olympic figure skaters will receive gold medals after Russian skater Kamila Valieva was banned for a positive drug test. Kamila now identifies as Sergei and is training for the 2024 Paris games as a powerlifter.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink announced their first chip implant in a human brain. The procedure was funded by an anonymous donor who wanted help around the house and to quit being bothered for sex.

E. Jean Carroll appeared on The Rachel Maddow Show and compared Donald Trump to a walrus. Trump filed a defamation suit against Carroll seeking $83 million.

At a Turning Point conservative political conference, a speaker claimed My Pillow founder & Trump advocate Mike Lindell is “losing everything”. He’s so close to financial ruin that his company’s name may change to Somebody Else’s Pillow.

Health magazine ranked 13 Super Bowl party foods from best to worst, with a veggie platter ‘best’ and sweetened soda ‘worst’. The list omitted alcohol, so nobody will be going to their party, anyway.

A Pennsylvania man was awarded a $2.25 billion judgment against Monsanto for successfully arguing that use of weed killer RoundUp for 20 years caused his cancer. He plans to use the money to hire someone else to take care of his lawn.

The Czech Republic signed a deal with the U.S. government to acquire 24 F-35 fighter jets. This, despite a 40% Off coupon from Boeing to outfit 737 Max 9 jets with rockets.

Starbucks is launching the Oleato – an olive-oil & coffee beverage called ‘a legit laxative’ – nationwide. The drinks will cost upwards of six bucks, and the key to the restroom will cost twenty.

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A judge blocked the proposed merger of Spirit and Jet Blue airlines, saying it could harm consumers. Lawyers for Spirit argued the merger couldn’t possibly harm consumers more than flying Spirit Airlines.

Costco is testing a new system requiring members to scan their membership card to enter – and requiring them to scan $200 worth of bulk-packaged crap to exit.

Google is upgrading Google Maps so the app will work in underground tunnels. This is great news if you’re a driver who’s somehow worried about getting lost while driving in a tunnel

According to a new survey, longtime Tinder users say the app has been bad for their mental health, despite their genitals never being happier.

A 10-year-old boy was attacked at a Bahamas resort during a “swim with the sharks”. Not only did he get to swim with the sharks, he also got a free helicopter ride.

The state of Virginia is warning of measles exposure from a traveler who passed through Dulles Airport on January 3rd and Reagan Airport on January 4th. The measles achieved Platinum status on United.

SpaceX is holding a charity auction, with bidding starting at $15,000 to send an item to the International Space Station for a month. So far, the high bidder is Melania Trump, who won’t say who or what she’s sending.

Tim Hortons Donut shops in Buffalo are accused of making employees violate a travel ban during a blizzard to come to work. Shop owners said they did it because police were still working.

Imprisoned singer R. Kelly said he wasn’t aware he lost a $10.5 million judgement from women who claimed he victimized them, and that his illiteracy keeps him from understanding legal proceedings. As an example, Kelly claims he just learned his middle name is P.

Royal Caribbean took possession of the world’s largest cruise ship, the Icon Of The Seas. It has 20 decks, weighs 258,000 tons, and can accommodate 1,000 people vomiting at the same time.

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A large hole blew open in the passenger cabin of an Alaska Airlines jet mid-flight, sucking off the shirt of a boy seated nearby. It’s the first time a boy’s clothing has been sucked off in-flight since the Vatican’s annual Altar Boys Trip to Greece.

Following the incident, Alaska Airlines grounded its fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines emailed to ask if they were selling them and for how much.

A woman was found dead in South Philadelphia, impaled on an iron gate outside the Xfinity Live! sports bar. Her friends reportedly asked her to go with them to a different bar, but she was on the fence.

Following the firing of Head Coach Ron Rivera, Washington Commanders owner Josh Jacobs assembled an advisory group to guide team decisions, including Magic Johnson. Johnson told Jacobs to sign six kickers so they can make more 3-pointers.

Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin failed to notify the White House when he was hospitalized in intensive care on December 22nd. Austin apologized, but said with wars in Ukraine and Gaza, he didn’t want to drop another bomb on Joe Biden so close to Christmas.

Low-carb diets may not lead to weight loss, according to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association and funded by The Grimace Institute.

After two days, rescuers successfully reached tourists & guides stuck in Slovenia’s Krizna Jama cave – which dropped 30 spots on Trip Advisor’s list of ‘Fun Things To Do In Slovenia’.

A group of dietitians released a list of the best foods to eat if you want healthy hair. Topping the list was the Chipotle Burrito Bowl, which contained the highest amount of healthy hair.

Pro-Palestinian protetors blocked traffic at three New York City bridges and the Holland Tunnel – to the delight of drivers getting extra time to text and scroll Instagram.

A Las Vegas felon – who went viral for diving over a judge’s bench & attacking her -will appear before her again. Added precautions are in place; the man will be handcuffed, and the trampoline in front of the bench will be removed.