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A Florida man died on the operating table when his surgeon reportedly removed the patient’s liver instead of his spleen. The surgeon said he wasn’t feeling well that day after his eating his breakfast of spleen & onions.

Comcast/NBCUniversal agreed to pay $2.45 billion per year to air NBA games, and an extra half-billion to make sure none of them are Washington Wizards games.

A new strain of monkeypox was discovered in Africa. It now includes gorillas.

Donald Trump said that crime in the U.S. is so bad, “you can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread – you get shot, you get mugged, you get raped..” Trump said the lesson is to buy bread on the side of the street you’re already on.

A toddler was reportedly served alcohol during a meal at a California restaurant. Investigators are still trying to determine how the vodka got in the kid’s sippy cup.

An attendee reportedly died on Day 1 of the Burning Man Festival. First responders called it a “sick burn”.

The World Health Organization claimed 70% of baby food fails to meet their nutritional standards. They then retracted the report after discovering they weren’t testing “baby food”, they were testing “Kids Meals”.

Lululemon recalled all of their new Breezethrough leggings, after women complained of an unflattering fit, and about the thick fabric not letting their posterior breeze through.

Walmart recalled apple juice over high arsenic levels. “Who wants a 10th glass of apple juice?? ” asked a mom of 3 kids looking to lower the household budget.

Typing “”:: reportedly crashes iPhones. Men & women are now busily borrowing their parents iPhones so they can type “”:: into them.

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The Louvre museum may move the Mona Lisa to an underground room. She can come back upstairs once she’s ready to behave.

Self-driving tractor trailers will be on U.S. highways in late 2024, just as soon as they can recognize children making the bent-arm honk-your-horn gesture.

Walmart will close all 51 of its health care clinics in six states, citing financial losses, and a string of lawsuits from women claiming stockboys were offering pelvic exams.

An inflatable rescue slide flew off a Delta jet during takeoff from New York’s Kennedy Airport, landing in Queens and saving a family a few hundred bucks they would’ve spent renting a bounce house.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is considering moving the Super Bowl to the Sunday before President’s Day to make it a 3-day weekend. Or, just moving MLK Day to the day after the Super Bowl since it’s too close to New Year’s Day anyway.

The Kansas City Chiefs made Travis Kelce the highest paid tight end in NFL history with a 2-year $34 million contract extension. Meanwhile Taylor Swift earned $50 million from The Tortured Poets Department in 2 minutes, 34 seconds.

Donald Trump was found in contempt of court and fined $9,000 for violating his hush-money trial gag order nine times. Trump then told the court he can’t find a bond company to loan him the $9,000.

Trump will be allowed to attend his son Barron’s high school graduation by the judge in his hush money trial. However, he was blocked from giving the valedictorian’s speech.

The company owning Family Dollar & Dollar Tree will close 1,000 stores, with customers lined up outside of the locations for Going Out Of Business sales promising markdowns to 98 cents.

An Oklahoma man was arrested after going to a Starbucks drive-thru naked on multiple occasions “to see the pretty girls who work there”. The baristas said he’d switched to iced coffee after repeated burns to his lower body.

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Walmart agreed to pay $45 million as part of a class action settlement after admitting to overcharging for weighted produce and bags of fruit. This will be a huge payday for the 6 customers who actually bought nutritious food at Walmart.

Donald Trump said he would not support a nationwide abortion ban, saying abortion decisions should be left up to the states, and to women he pays to get them.

A Southwest Airlines-operated Boeing jet made an emergency landing after the cover ripped off an engine during takeoff. Now that doors, tires, fuel, and engine covers have fallen off of airborne Boeing jets, a spokesperson said aircraft safety has officially dropped from their Top Priority to Fifth or Sixth.

The Vatican condemned gender-transition surgery, saying the talent pool of cute altar boys is shallow enough already.

Country music superstar Jelly Roll won three times at the CMT Music Awards in Austin, Texas. Less-popular country singer Vegan Roll was shut out.

U.S. lawmakers unveiled bipartisan legislation to give all Americans a basic right to digital privacy – that they’ll promptly waive because there’s no way they’re giving up Instagram & Tik Tok.

Lebron James son Bronny, a University of Southern California freshman basketball player, will enter the NBA Draft and the NCAA transfer portal. Bronny averaged 4.8 points per game, and an average GPA of Incomplete.

Maryland’s Governor Wes Moore said some shipping channels around the collapsed Key Bridge in Baltimore harbor have reopened after debris removal ‘equal to the weight of the Statue of Liberty’. “Great, now everyone thinks I’m fat” said Lady Liberty.

140 guests attended the wedding of former CNN Anchor Don Lemon and his partner. It was the first time many of them were invited to a Lemon Party.

In honor of the solar eclipse, Krispy Kreme is offering the Total Solar Eclipse donut – a glazed donut dipped in chocolate and topped with buttercream and an Oreo. They say the temporary diabetic coma from eating it is just like a full-blackout eclipse.

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Dating website Bumble cut 350 employees – but a least a woman got to decide who lost their job.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler Boebert was arrested and charged with five counts of felony theft. He’s scheduled to appear in court and announce his run for Congress.

Oprah is leaving WeightWatchers, according to her spokesperson and her bathroom scale.

A urologist posting on CNN said that healthy urine should be slightly tinted in color, but still “clear enough to read through”. Not surprisingly, no one else will use the iPad in his bathroom.

A Missouri couple was married in a hospital while the bride was in labor. They’re registered at the accounts receivable department of St. Luke’s General.

Wendy’s said their new variable pricing plan isn’t “surge pricing”, but rather a plan to offer discounts during slow periods. They say they’d rather sell almost-expired burgers because there’s only so much chili they can make in a day.

Adam Sandler said he’s starstruck by Taylor Swift, and that the singer “makes him nervous” — but not as nervous as talking to Taylor Swift and having Rob Schneider ask to to join them.

A new mammogram center in a Walmart diagnosed their first positive breast cancer case within weeks of opening. Other women were told they didn’t have breast cancer, so they asked for a raincheck.

Allison Tennyson, 34, was profiled by a news outlet because she claims her Ehlers-Danios Syndrome makes her allergic to both semen and condoms. Her boyfriend calls it kind of a bad news/good news situation.

A British mom lifted a slab in her backyard and discovered a 160-foot, underground World War II-era bomb shelter .. and her teenage son’s porn collection.

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Walmart is now offering mammograms at certain locations. Medical technicians have already told several dozen women that the lump is Crunch & Munch they spilled down their sweatshirt.

Amy Schumer revealed she has Cushing’s Syndrome, inflammation caused by unusally high levels of steroids in the body. She’s expected to recover, but had to cancel her tryout with the New York Jets.

Alaska’s Gates Of The Arctic is the country’s least-visited national park. It has no roads, no trails, no cell phone service, temperatures that reach -50 degrees Farenheit in the winter, and rocky ground that makes it hard to bury the body of the person you brought there.

Journalists are calling for the NFL to fly prospects attending the NFL Scouting Combine in Indianapolis in first class, since many are huge linemen. That, and they’re almost killing people in Spirit Airlines’ mandatory coach-class fistfights.

A woman in Ireland lost an injury settlement after video showed her winning a Christmas tree throwing contest, then throwing away the $800,000 she’d won in the settlement.

A study by finance company GOBankingRates finds a $150,000 salary categorizes you as “lower middle class” in areas of the U.S. such as San Francisco and Northern Virginia. However, it makes you King Of Mississippi, despite still being low class.

Wendy’s is planning on “surge pricing” for burgers at peak-demand times of day, saying prices could increase by $1 at lunch rush, then go back down after you finish an entire large combo & swear you’ll never eat there again.

A man died after setting himself on fire outside of the Israeli embassy, yelling “free palestine”. His mother said she now understands why he ignored her advice to wear a sweater.

A runaway freight train in India traveled nearly 45 miles without a driver, and was stopped after workers placed stones on the tracks – this, following their initial plan to get a goat on board to stop it was thwarted when it ate the throttle.

A customer in Ohio was mistakenly charged $1,000 for a Subway sandwich. So far they haven’t refunded her money because she hasn’t provided Subway with proof that the sandwich wasn’t 200 feet long.

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Rappers Snoop Dogg and Master P sued Walmart for breaching a deal to sell their breakfast cereal. Walmart countered, saying kids don’t want to smoke cereal for breakfast.

Apple is reportedly working on a foldable iPhone, and will begin selling it once they figure out how to make the screen break when it’s folded closed and dropped.

A Florida mom said her kids were expelled from a Catholic School because she advertised her OnlyFans page with a decal on her car. The school said she’s promoting pornography, and stealing traffic from the OnlyFans pages of priests & altar boys raising money for the school.

Google is changing the name of its artificial intelligence assistant from Bard to Gemini, and launching a paid subscription Gemini app. College students now have to figure out how to pay Gemini with Adderall and beer when it writes their term papers.

A volcano in Iceland erupted for the second time this year, sending molten lava 260 feet in the air. Iceland’s Tourism Board called the eruption “not great for our name brand”.

Scientists in England set a record by creating a nuclear fusion reaction for 5 seconds. They see it as a huge step forward in the pursuit of limitless clean energy, but a disappointment since none of them turned into The Hulk.

A hiring expert claims only half of job candidates have questions ready for interviewers when asked “Is there anything you’d like to ask me?” They advise asking about the role, coworkers & company, and not “Are those real?”

Trader Joe’s recalled frozen ‘chicken, lentil & caramelized onion pilaf’ because it may contain rocks. The FDA has launched a broader investigation to the safety protocols of supplier Flintstone Foods.

Taylor Swift released the track list for her new album, ‘The Tortured Poets Department’, and Swifties speculate some are about her breakup with British actor Joe Alwyn, including ‘So Long, London’; ‘The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” and ‘Joe Alwyn Has A Puny Dick And I’m Glad To Be Banging A Huge NFL Player’.

Finland’s flagship airline Finnair will begin weighing passengers in addition to luggage for what they call “balance calculations” for enhanced safety, and what they call “improved traction” for seating heavier passengers above the wheels.

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A new study finds ultra-processed foods can be as addictive as drugs. The study followed 200 individuals who entered rehab after Slim Jim overdoses.

During its Sugar Bowl broadcast, ESPN aired a crowd scene from New Orleans’ Bourbon Street where a woman flashed her bare breast. ESPN apologized, but said if viewers wanted to see more boobs during football, tune in to Chris Berman and Booger McFarland.

‘The Bachelorette‘ alum Rachel Lindsay’s husband Brian Abosolo filed to end their four-year marriage, after discovering she’s starring in the pilot episode of ‘The Divorcee’.

The U.S. national debt hit a record $34 trillion, leading to Joe Biden’s government credit card being rejected at Starbucks.

The NFL fined Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper $300,000 for throwing a drink on Jacksonville Jaguars fans during his team’s loss. He must also attend training at a Philadelphia Eagles game to learn how to properly throw a drink at someone.

A 13-year-old in Oklahoma claims to have ‘beaten’ Tetris, reaching level 157 before crashing the game in 38 minutes. He also broke the game’s high-score record, and the record for the longest time anyone from Oklahoma has used a computer.

A winter storm could deliver the Northeast U.S. first significant snow accumulation in 2 years. The National Grocery Store Association raised their bread & milk accumulation threat level to Code Orange.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 73 and fiancee Theresa Nist, 70, said they want all the women contestants from the show to attend their televised wedding, along with family, close friends, and several EMTs.

A Florida man was arrested after attempting to take a 4-year-old boy in Walmart, and unsuccessfully arguing with customer service for a raincheck.

Utah officials are investigating the death of a man at Salt Lake City airport who climbed into the jet engine of a parked aircraft. He had a boarding pass for a flight to Denver, and instructions from Frontier Airlines on where to sit when flying standby.

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A longtime Walmart employee used the store loudspeaker to “sign off” on her last day before leaving for a different job. The store manager then grabbed the mic and signed off five of her coworkers for going two minutes long on their cigarette break.

Tiffany Haddish explained after her second DUI that the Tesla she was driving had self-parked, but was still blocking part of the street. Officers then lifted the hood and discovered the car’s battery soaked in vodka.

Meta is being sued for knowingly collecting the personal information of children under age 13 after they signed up for Instagram in violation of age restrictions. The kids were then bombarded with targeted ads for tricycles & lollipops.

Patients suffering with ‘long COVID’ experience structural changes to their brain – according to data collected from the microchip in the vaccines they received.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight opened the over-wing emergency exit and jumped out while the jet was at its departure gate. He thought sitting in the exit row required him to demonstrate what to do in the event of an emergency landing.

Hospitals in China are at full capacity with patients due to a nationwide surge in respiratory viruses. Chinese health officials say the illnesses are from existing viruses, because Wuhan lab workers haven’t finished making the new viruses yet.

A Florida pest control worker was arrested after allegedly exposing himself to two female customers. The customers say the roaches are gone, but now they have a cock problem.

A new iPhone feature allows personal information, photos & videos to be shared when two users tap their phones together. It’s called NameDrop, or, if you swipe a phone to share nudes with a stranger, BallDrop or BoobDrop.

Congressman George Santos faces a vote to expel him from Congress, but during his hearing he produced 50 huge sacks of letters from children saying they still believed in him, in Miracle On Constitution Avenue.

A driver in Malaysia knocked a baby elephant over with his car, causing five adult elephants to stomp on the car in retaliation. The baby elephant got up and walked away, and the driver’s insurance claim has been denied three times by The General.

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The Rolling Stones announced a 16-city 2024 U.S. tour, sponsored by AARP. Representatives from AARP will be on hand to scold retirees about blowing $500 from their 401k on Rolling Stones tickets.

As rescue workers attempt to dig out 41 construction workers trapped in a tunnel collapse in India, hot meals of rice & lentils were delivered to them via a steel pipe. The Grubhub guy received no tip.

Before a school board reversed his decision, a Sherman, Texas high school principal left voicemails informing parents that transgender students could not perform roles in Oklahoma! aligned with their gender identity. He also said he’s not changing the title of the next production to The Music Person.

Celebrity & game show host Wayne Brady fought with a drunk driver who backed in to his car, then attempted to flee as officers arrived. The man was arrested, and Brady may appear to host his court hearing – Let’s Make A Plea Deal.

A man attempted to kidnap and kill his estranged wife at a suburban Philadelphia Walmart. Workers at the store thought it was a dress rehearsal for customers attempting to murder each other on Black Friday.

Six major media companies including Disney, NBCUniversal & Paramount halted spending on X after Elon Musk boosted antisemitic conspiracy theories. They’re shifting spending to Truth Social and its more pro-American conspiracy theories.

Best Buy, Lowes & Kohl’s are all forecasting a drop in annual holiday sales. However, liquor stores & OnlyFans say they’ll more than make up for the hit to the economy.

Kalpana Balan, a 26-year-old Indian woman, established a Guinness World Record for having 38 teeth – six more than the average human. She also broke a different record by flossing out a quarter pound of a burrito stuck between them.

Only 23 percent of women on dating app Bumble are actively seeking marriage as a goal. Relationship experts say this is great news for empowered, independent women – but also great news for hit-it-and-quit-it horny men.

A woman gave birth on a Pegasus Airlines jet just before departure on a flight from Istanbul to Marseilles. Paramedics boarded to assist in the delivery, then gently placed the baby under the seat in front of the mother, because overhead bins were full.

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62 female prison inmates at Lockhart Correctional Facility in Texas became high school graduates, increasing their pay while incarcerated by 25% to $0.12/hour. Officials with scent-tracking dogs are looking for 3 missing grads wearing caps & gowns.

July 4th was recorded as Earth’s Hottest Day ever – with a global average temperature of 62.9 degrees. Women of Earth asked the planet if it could turn the heat up to 68.

Beyoncé cancelled her planned Renaissance Tour stop in Pittsburgh, much to the dismay of her thousands of regional fans, the Beyinzérs.

A disproportionate number of employees impacted by tech industry layoffs since last fall were women – leading females who still have tech jobs to reconsider going to Happy Hour with male supervisor nerds.

A Colorado supermarket employee was fired for posting a TikTok video of three men stealing $500 worth of laundry detergent. One of the thieves was arrested, since the video prevented a clean getaway.

A Massachusetts woman missing for three days was found in a state park with her body stuck in mud. She praised search & rescue workers, and the amazing exfoliating power of the mud.

A Birmingham, Alabama news reporter who believed she’d been sent to the scene of a domestic violence incident found her boyfriend there on one knee asking her to marry him. She accepted, then punched him in the mouth.

July 4th partygoers at California’s Lake Tahoe left behind a record-breaking 8,559 pounds of garbage. It marked the second-largest pile of human trash gathered on Independence Day – the biggest being a Kid Rock concert.

Defunct weight-loss brand Jenny Craig is being revived after being purchased by Nutrisystem’s parent company. Jenny Craig will be marketed as a direct-to-consumer meal service that subscribers can cheat on.

A 14-year-old Oklahoma boy accidentally shot his 8-year-old brother with a gun he found in the car they waited in while their mother shopped at Walmart. She returned to the car with a birthday card, shocked that the teen already found his present.