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Clinical trials show a drug commonly used to treat constipation, Prucalopride, improves memory in test subjects. Online message boards report a huge surge in people taking the drug, then taking the Jeopardy! Online Test while on the toilet.

Facebook, Instagram & WhatsApp all experienced a massive outage on Monday, leading to a steep drop in home-cooked Monday night dinners since they couldn’t be photographed & shared online.

Former White House advisor Stephanie Grisham says in her new tell-all book that Melania Trump wanted to send full-length mirrors to African children “so they could see they’re very strong”. But she was also worried damages in shipment would lead to their having seven years of bad luck.

Amazon is starting their Black Friday deals early, due to “supply chain issues” – which is what they call bathroom breaks for warehouse workers.

Amazon is also instituting a $10 fee for grocery deliveries from its Whole Foods subsidiary. They say the fee includes delivery drivers telling customers which organic produce in the order is already rotten.

Rapper Boosie Badazz confirmed he’d been kicked off the Legendz Of The Streetz mega-tour because of an onstage fight and a shooting during his appearance at a Baltimore club. Promoters told him to come back once he’s Boosie ResponsibleAzz.

Dr. Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young continues her battle over their divorce settlement, claiming Dre had at least three mistresses while married. Proceedings have dragged on for months due to time involved for her lawyers to ‘depose dese hos’.

NASA’s DART mission – Double Asteroid Redirection Test – will deliberately crash a spacecraft into an asteroid to alter its path near Earth. The mission will be captained by one of the only NASA astronauts with several confirmed DUIs.

Sarah Silverman criticized the casting of non-Jewish actors to play Jewish roles. Because there aren’t enough Jewish people involved in making decisions in Hollywood.

Major League Baseball’s Cleveland Guardians – formerly Indians – will continue to sell Indians merchandise and donate the proceeds to Native American charities. They’ll also sell Guardians merchandise, but donate most of it to third-world countries.

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Cris Galera, a Brazilian lingerie model, recently “married herself” outside of a Sao Paulo Catholic Church to preach a message of “self love”. And boy, were her hands tired the next day.

A Michigan man had six kidney beans removed from his urethra after shoving them in the end of his penis for sexual gratification. He’s now okay, but visiting friends refuse to eat his chili.

Afghan women are dressing in rainbow colors to express their displeasure with Afghanistan’s oppressive patriarchical rules. The Taliban calls the women’s futures “rainbow no-so-brite”.

SpaceX successfully launched the first all-civilian crew into orbit, where one argued about masks & the 2020 election, becoming the first civilian astronaut to be duct-taped to their seat.

Walmart is offering a $30 discount for preorders of the new ninth-generation iPad, but is also charging Walmart shoppers $30 if they want to learn how to charge it and turn it on.

Mobile messaging platform WhatsApp is testing a Yellow Pages-style business directory. Businesses won’t need to create a listing, because WhatsApp owner Facebook already stole all the information they need to make it.

Brian Laundrie, 23, is now a “person of interest” in the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito, after she vanished during their cross-country road trip. Laundrie refuses to speak to police and hired a lawyer, who privately calls him a “guy who probably did it”.

Magician Dustin Tavella is the Season 16 winner of America’s Got Talent, beating out aerialists, comedians, singers and martial artists who got more talent.

Rapper Fat Joe is under fire for lyrics he used in a rap battle against Ja Rule, calling female rapper Lil Mo a “dusty bitch” that Ja Rule found in a crackhouse. Lil Mo objected to being called bitch & crackhead, saying her preferred nicknames are ‘shawty’ and ‘hoochie mama’.

British retailer Marks & Spencer blames the poor European economy and Brexit for its announced closure of 11 stores, in what they’re calling The Oh, Bother, This Is Dreadful News, Isn’t It? Store Closure Sale.

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Disney named Halle Bailey, a black actress, to play the lead role of Ariel in the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid. Racists are demanding the scales be balanced with Sebastian the Crab portrayed by Larry the Cable Guy.

Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp experienced outages on Wednesday. Opportunists seized on it to claim they never got the event invite to boring July 4th barbecues.

Joey Chestnut won his 12th Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Championship – and with it, surpassed the FDA’s recommended lifetime allowance of sodium 50 times over.

President Trump’s July 4th speech included factual errors about Americans taking over “airports” in 1776, and when the Star-Spangled Banner was written. Though Trump clearly doesn’t know history, the world hopes they’re spared his having to repeat it.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck California on July 4th, centered 150 miles northeast of Los Angeles. President Trump accused liberal Hollywood of stealing attention from his Salute To America in Washington, D.C.

Japan resumed commercial whaling. Asked what they would do with their catch, Japanese whalers replied “probably something gross.”

Witnesses near St. Petersburg, Florida watched 10 alligators drag a “badly decomposed” human body into Lake Maggiore – kicking off the grand opening of Florida’s newest Old Country Alligator Buffet.

A passenger on Columbian airline Viva Air arrived 30 minutes after boarding closed for her flight from Medellin to Bogota, leading her to angrily smash a gate agent’s laptop. She was arrested and later booked on a different flight to smuggle drugs.

Market researcher TrendForce states 65-inch TVs are the most popular choice in North American households, and 27-inch TVs are the most popular ones sitting by curbs with “FREE!” signs on them.

According to the Labor Department, job creation bounced back in June, reflecting the return of Marvel superheroes brought back to life in Avengers: Endgame.

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New York City police seized 46 ice cream trucks for $4 million in unpaid tickets accumulated over 10 years. Owners will fight the charges, and Mister Softee was freed on $250,000 bail.

California lawmakers want to remove single-use plastic toiletry bottles from hotel rooms. Shampoo & conditioner will be placed in shower dispensers; to get hand lotion, men will need to bring their own or make an embarrassing purchase in the hotel gift shop.

April the Giraffe – mother of five calves at Animal Adventure in Upstate New York – is going on birth control, after a third zoo worker nearly died trying to put a condom on her boyfriend.

To prevent President Trump’s threatened tariffs on exports, Mexico offered to send its National Guard to the U.S. border, to make sure nobody enters the U.S. illegally without carrying drugs.

Doctors in New York removing a brain tumor from a 42-year-old woman ended up extracting a tapeworm. The parasitic worm was found to have consumed a lot of recipes and memories of Real Housewives episodes.

Michael Dougherty, director of ‘Godzilla: King of the Monsters’ said in an interview that any movie would be made better by Godzilla showing up 20 minutes in – drawing unanimous agreement from anyone who’s watched ‘Sex And The City’ films.

The New England Patriots gave out their largest-ever Super Bowl rings at a private party at Robert Kraft’s house – although Kraft asked two guests from Orchids of Asia Day Spa to remove theirs before the evening’s entertainment started.

New smartphones from banned Chinese manufacturer Huawei will ship without Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp. Huawei execs reassured concerned buyers that they’ll still find a way to harvest & sell personal data.

A Washington Post report claims Walmart workers in stores using robots feel undervalued performing tasks like cleaning & inventory delegated by the machines.  Walmart is reprogramming the robots to be more likable, teaching them to vape & make sexual remarks about coworkers.

2006 QV89, an asteroid wider than a football field, could hit Earth this year. Thousands of amateur astronomers are frantically giving it directions to the White House and Mar-a-Lago.

 

 

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Absenteeism from the flu outbreak has closed schools in 12 different states. Students are reminded to practice good hygiene like hand-washing, and not kissing the teacher they’re having sex with if she or he has the flu.

Astrophysicists from Spain accessing the Hubble Space Telescope released what they’re calling “the deepest images of the universe ever taken from space” – resulting in the researchers seeing millions of hidden stars, and thousands of billboards for Pedro’s South of the Border.

MLB’s San Diego Padres are officially switching back to brown & gold uniforms starting with the 2020 season. The Padres used brown as their primary color from 1969, when they first formed, through 1991, when they decided they were tired of looking like dung.

A 10-year-old Kentucky boy won his science fair with a project calling QB Tom Brady a cheater, by showing underinflated footballs are thrown more accurately. The boy’s findings and project stunned adults who couldn’t believe they hold science fairs in Kentucky.

A non-venomous carpet python in a toilet bit a 59-year-old Brisbane, Australia woman on the buttocks while she urinated. The woman was treated for her injury but still thanked the snake for putting the seat down.

President Trump agreed to reopen the U.S. Government for three weeks while Congress negotiates border security. Trump said he hasn’t ruled out using Executive Orders to declare two national emergencies — one to demand a border wall, and one to demand the year-round offering of McRib.

The New York Times reports Facebook plans to integrate back-office operations of its Messenger, Instagram & WhatsApp products, claiming it will be easier for them to steal and sell your personal data just once instead of three times.

The Centers for Disease Control linked an eight-state salmonella outbreak to hedgehogs. The CDC warned people not to “snuggle or kiss” hedgehogs —  real ones, not your boyfriends and girlfriends.

A new study in the journal ‘Science Advances’ suggests Alzheimer’s could be caused by a gum infection. Doctors found a high number of seniors with no teeth who couldn’t remember losing them.

A flight attendant died of an apparent heart attack on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Honolulu to New York.  Passengers described the cabin erupting in bedlam when they  realized they couldn’t locate the exits.

NYPD officer James Wong, 35, was arrested following an argument when he punched his 63-year-old mother in the face. Wong remains free on bond. He also remains a policeman, not a doctor like his mother wanted.

Tinder settled a price discrimination lawsuit for charging users over age 30 twice as much for their Tinder Plus premium product. Tinder defended the higher pricing, saying it offset costs of refunds demanded by younger users tricked into sex with geezers.

 

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A Florida man was arrested for DUI after he pulled up to a drive-thru at a bank and ordered a burrito. Meanwhile a different man pulled up to a Taco Bell and asked for cash. The clerk asked if he was drunk, and the driver said no, it was a goddamned robbery and to give him the money.

Actress Ruby Rose underwent successful surgery to correct a spinal condition. Though doctors said for now she can expect the incision to remain Ruby Red.

Monster has passed Red Bull to become the most popular energy drink in the U.S. Monster has 43% domestic market share, meaning 43 cans are found next to every 100 under-40 heart attack victims.

WhatsApp launched its new business messaging tool, I’mNotHere.

Amazon is planning a 20% rate increase for month-to-month Prime memberships, citing increased health care costs for drones injured on the job.

Porn star Stormy Daniels allegedly spanked Donald Trump with a copy of Forbes magazine featuring his photo on the cover, since Trump’s first choice – a copy of Teen Vogue with Ivanka Trump on the cover – was still too sticky.

Actor Michael Douglas has been accused of sexual harassment. The claims date back to a time when Douglas was actually physically capable of it.

  • No word on how this will affect Douglas’ role in the upcoming Ant Man 2; although producers are exploring a title change to Ant Man: Me 2.

A 19-year-old New Jersey woman was expelled from the University of Alabama for posting a YouTube video where she repeatedly used the n-word. “That’s not right; it’s our word”, said white Alabamians.

Porn production company Naughty America said that it’s working on a new augmented reality product featuring three-dimensional women that doesn’t involve pornography. No more details were shared, although the company recently trademarked the name Clean My Bathroom America.

Prosecutors in Bill Cosby’s sexual assault retrial want jurors to hear from 20 of his accusers this time, not just two, claiming that it was difficult for just two women to form a band to perform a song about why rape is bad.