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Fox Networks ‘The Masked Singer‘ unveiled Rudy Giuliani as a contestant during a taping last week. No one is allowed to say what character he was, but everyone’s pretty sure his song was a poor choice of The Four Seasons.

The Masked Singer wanted to get Trump’s former Attorney General William Barr, but he decided to sing to the January 6th Committee instead.

A Florida boy ‘magnet fishing’ with his grandfather retrieved two military-grade sniper rifles valued at around $20,000. Then they spent the rest of the day sniper-rifle-fishing.

Ronda Rousey posted photos breastfeeding her baby backstage at WWE’s Royal Rumble wrestling event. The baby tapped out, burped, and demanded a rematch.

Milwaukee meteorologist Rebecca Shuld of CBS58 brought her new baby on-air during a recent weather forecast. The baby mostly behaved, but parts of the east coast were hit with an unexpected storm of vomit.

The U.S. Army will begin discharging enlisted men & women refusing vaccines immediately. “Alright!” said soldiers who thought it would take desertion or selling secrets to get kicked out.

An elite U.S. strike force killed Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurayshi, head of terror group ISIS, at a home in Syria. The attack destroyed the entire second floor of the home, which will be featured in next season’s premiere of Syria HGTV ‘Fixer Upper‘.

Actor Channing Tatum said he’s “traumatized” and can’t watch Marvel movies, because Marvel Studios wouldn’t let him direct Marvel hero film ‘Gambit‘ and cancelled it. Marvel said if Tatum wants to make a lousy superhero movie he should join the Justice League.

Shares of Facebook parent company Meta plunged 22% as the company reported declining quarterly user numbers for the first time in Facebook’s history. Even worse, when Facebook asked former users if they plan to return, they replied ‘Interested’.

Rihanna is pregnant, and was seen with baby daddy A$AP Rocky buying a bigger umbrella ella ella eh eh eh.

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A new study from Arizona State University finds alligators can regrow severed tails, leading other scientists to question how in the hell alligators got to Arizona State.

The U.S. Department of Transportation ruled airlines can ban emotional support animals from flights – especially if they’re drunk.

In South Korea, high-school students spent Thursday taking the 9-hour-long national college entrance exam. Meanwhile, in Mississippi, students completing 9 hours of classroom work received their high school diplomas.

Former Presidents George Bush, Barack Obama & Bill Clinton say they’ll all receive COVID-19 vaccines publicly to instill public faith in them – though Clinton asked if he could see what the nurse looked like first.

3M is cutting 2,900 jobs. That’s according to a Post-It the CEO stuck on his desk to remind him.

Some Amazon customers in the U.K. who ordered Playstation 5 consoles received shipments of cat food instead. Investigators found the PS5s were stolen in an elaborate scheme involving warehouse workers and cats sitting on laptops.

Following his statement that the Department of Justice did not find election fraud, Attorney General William Barr and Donald Trump had a “contentious” White House meeting, because Barr insisted on eating something other than a Big Mac.

A U.S. Labor Board claims Google illegally spied on protesting workers before firing them. The workers said they found out when their Google Calendars added an event ‘Put Your Personal Belongings In A Cardboard Box’.

Lon Adams, who developed the recipe for Slim Jims, died at age 95 of COVID-19 complications, although arterial buildup of Slim Jim goop wasn’t doing him any favors, either.

Reno, Nevada set up a COVID-19 treatment unit in a parking garage. At least a dozen drivers have been circling for hours waiting for a ventilator to open up.

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Attorney General William Barr wants to charge violent protesters with sedition. “Cool it now” replied non-violent Black Lives Matter protesters New Sedition.

Burger King announced The Whopper is now made without any artificial ingredients or colors. Regular customers are relieved at having naturally clogged arteries.

Israel declared a second coronovirus lockdown, and added Yom Covid to their expansive list of religious holidays.

Jerry Harris, 21-year-old star of Netflix cheerleading docuseries ‘Cheer’, was arrested on child pornography charges. “Gimme a D!” said Harris.

Michigan confirmed the case of a deadly mosquito-borne Eastern equine encephalitis ‘EEE’ virus. They started testing after seeing mosquitoes flying six feet apart from each other.

The U.S. Postal Service reportedly scrapped a plan to mail 650 million face masks to Americans, because they were worried about how to handle the volume of follow-up thank-you cards.

Williamson County Texas deputies who used force on the job were reportedly rewarded with gift cards to local steakhouses. Unfortunately, a group dinner resulted in one deputy dying when others gave him a chokehold instead of the Heimlich maneuver.

Winston Groom, author of ‘Forrest Gump’, passed away at age 77. His box of chocolates ran out.

Actress Charlize Theron said on The Drew Barrymore Show that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years. “Now I make my move” thought the old guy who cleans her pool.

The popularity of online classrooms has limited in-person bullying. Parents who want their wimpy kids to build character now have to make beat-up dates with bored punks.

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Eastern Kentucky linebacker Michael Harris was arrested after dashcam video shows him lifting a police officer over his head during his arrest. He remains in jail, but is hoping to get out in time to bench-press cops at the NFL Combine.

Attorney General William Barr told ABC News that President Trump’s tweets “make it impossible to do my job”. Meanwhile, Trump is telling aides that the new White House intern’s tight blouses and skirts “make it impossible to do my job.”

Subaru received low scores in the J.D. Power Vehicle Dependability Study, based mostly on responses from the member of broken-up female couples who don’t get to use the Subaru anymore.

Walmart announced it’s discontinuing their ‘high-end personal shopping service’, Jetblack. Walmart said it was losing money on the $50-a-month service, despite being able to pay six employees for $50 a month.

Genea Sky, a stripper whose fall from a 15-foot pole was seen millions of times, said she no longer wants to dance again. Sky said she suffered a fractured jaw, although it’s unclear whether that was caused by the fall, or a busy night in the Champagne Room.

A California lab claims to have created a coronavirus vaccine. They plan to start testing on humans this summer, just as soon as they can round up 100 people who each have coronavirus and $50,000 cash.

Roku claims that, by 2024, half of U.S. cable households will have cancelled their video service. Comcast disputed that claim, saying it’s impossible when their current on-hold times to disconnect TV average around three years.

Aerosmith welcomed back drummer Joey Kramer, after telling him he couldn’t perform with the band at the Grammys. Band members admitted they couldn’t really see or hear who was playing the drums, anyway.

Southwest is cancelling almost 400 daily summer flights each day because of Boeing’s cancellation of the 737 MAX. They’re communicating the news to passengers by telling them they’re in boarding group Z.

Universal is planning to open a “Classic Monsters” land in its Epic Universe Theme Park. Kids will be able to interact with scary monsters of yesteryear, such as Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman – and the grandparents who came along on the trip.

 

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The FBI raided the New Jersey home of YouTube star Omar “Omi in a Hellcat” Carrasquillo, seizing over 30 high-end cars and other belongings for alleged tax evasion. On the bright side, Omi’s seizure video went viral, and all the FBI agents liked and subscribed.

Comcast/Xfinity released a four-minute commercial starring E.T. and Henry Thomas as Elliott, reprising their roles from the beloved 80s film. The visit backfires on Comcast as E.T. returns to space and rigs free satellite TV for Elliott.

Randi Chaverria, a 36-year-old family & consumer science teacher in Texas who won Teacher of the Year last May, resigned amidst allegations she performed oral sex on a student in her classroom. When she finished, the other students asked if that was going to be on the test.

President Trump made a surprise visit to Afghanistan, telling troops that talks with the Taliban have restarted over a possible peace “deal”. Details are scarce, but are believed to center on the Taliban investigating Pete Buttigieg in exchange for a lot of goats.

The FDA issued a warning for so-called “opioid withdrawal” products, sold under the names Detoxoplex, Sinoplex and Keurig.

A couple who learned their Denny’s waitress walked 14 miles to and from work to save money returned after their meal and gave the waitress a 2011 Nissan Sentra. The waitress finished her shift and was ticketed for driving without insurance.

Ole Miss football WR Elijah Moore was penalized for doing an all-fours urinating dog celebration in the end zone following a touchdown. Moore would have been given a bad dog timeout, but the coach was out of them.

Some Walmart shoppers are threatening to boycott the stores after it was revealed workers don’t receive extra pay to work on Thanksgiving. However, most Walmart shoppers asked each other what “boycott” means.

  • Some stores such as Macy’s, Target & JCPenney pay overtime for holiday work. KMart does not, but they have something called Going Out Of Business Pay.

Military aircraft were scrambled when radar detected an unknown “slow moving blob” approaching air space near the White House. It has yet to be identified, with speculation that it was either a large flock of birds, or Attorney General William Barr hang-gliding.

Philadelphia Eagles QB Carson Wentz and his wife Madison are expecting a child. The completed pass to her egg raised Wentz’s QB Rating for the first time in a month.

 

 

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Sports betting service Fanduel announced they’ll start charging a monthly fee for inactive accounts. Fanduel says if you’re going to gamble, you’d better be compulsive about it.

CVS is closing 48 stores. The company issued a list of the stores along with five pages of coupons.

Attorney General William Barr refused to appear before the House Judiciary Committee to answer questions about the Mueller Report, objecting to the proposed format of questions asked by highly-trained lawyers, instead of barely-trained Congressmen.

Former FBI Director James Comey penned an op-ed for The New York Times, saying President Trump has ‘eaten William Barr’s soul’. Barr dismissed it, saying that while a lot of him is made of Kentucky Fried Chicken and Big Macs, his soul isn’t.

Following a game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, the New York Yankees removed two Arizona sheriff’s deputies working security with a K-9 unit from the team’s locker room, because they asked Yankees players for autographs. “Fine, but don’t you want to know where the drugs are?” said a police dog.

Police responded to shots fired at a family Easter dinner in Virginia, where men argued over which truck was better: Ford or Chevy. Mark Turner, 56, shot his daughter’s boyfriend, who police found lying on the ground….like a rock.

Florida legislators passed a bill where schools can opt-in to a program permitting classroom teachers to carry guns. Guns are already in widespread use among Florida gym teachers to get kids to run laps.

Moviegoers seeing Avengers:Endgame at an AMC theater in California may have been exposed to measles. Health officials spotted people with red Dots they got at the concession stand.

A U.K. study found high levels of cocaine in freshwater shrimp, and diners having difficulty eating their shrimp cocktail waiting for it to hold still.

A cruise ship owned by the Church of Scientology is quarantined in St. Lucia, based on reports that one or more passengers is infected with measles. Health officials are waiting to see if they go clear.

 

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Obesity is now linked to 13 different types of cancer. And, probably a few more once doctors move some stuff around and find it in there.

  • Obesity is now poised to overtake smoking as the leading preventable cause of cancer. Though doctors say patients with obesity-related cancers are easier to talk to than patients with smoking-related cancers, becuase their breath is better.

Robert Mueller reportedly sent a letter to William Barr expressing his displeasure with Barr’s initial summary of Mueller’s report. Mueller attempted to call him but was greeted with “New AG who dis?”

Kentucky’s Teacher of the Year failed to appear at a White House event honoring teachers. She claimed it was in protest to the Administration’s bias against public schools, and because she missed her bus.

The FDA is issuing a new warning about sleep drugs such as Ambien, saying people taking them have been known to sleepwalk, sleepdrive & sleepcook. The warning is sleep drugs may make you more productive in your sleep than you are when you’re awake.

12 Major League Baseball teams have shown year-over-year drops in attendance so far in 2019. Fans in declining cities say if they want to sit in the cold for three boring hours watching losers, they can go to their kids’ soccer games for free.

Surveillance video emerged of Crystal Smith, a Kansas elementary school teacher, kicking a 5-year-old lying on the floor of the school library. Smith was fired and said the child wasn’t much help finding her contact lens.

Two water-filled test dummies flew off an Ocean City, New Jersey roller coaster during a trial run, landing on a hotel below. Operators say the ride is safe, and that they run tests with wet dummies because New Jersey vacationers like to ride the coaster after swimming.

Before Vice President Mike Pence arrived on the USS Harry Truman, the ship’s Master Chief instructed sailors on board to “clap like we’re at a strip club.” He then added “gay strip club” — and Pence started furiously clapping for himself.

A 30-year-old music teacher at a Catholic high school in suburban Philadelphia has been charged with sexual conduct with a student. He is expected to plead guilty and enter a diversion program where he becomes a Catholic priest.

Disney’s full-park smoking ban went into effect on Wednesday – smoking is no longer permitted on the grounds of any Disney theme park. Chip & Dale, Huey, Dewey & Louie all announced they’re switching to Juul.

 

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Caroline Spiegel, sister of Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, is starting a ‘no-visuals porn site for women.’ The site, named Quinn, will deliver erotic stories via text and audio. They’re planning to offer subscribers submersible cases for when you drop your iPhone in the tub.

California startup Lightning introduced the Strike – an electric motorcycle starting at $13,000, with a 70-mile range and a top speed of 150mph. It’s already been named the Official Bike of The World’s Least Scary Motorcycle Gang.

The mother of a Notre Dame student wrote an op-ed to the student newspaper after seeing female students wearing tight leggings to church, saying “you couldn’t help but see those blackly naked rear ends”. Notre Dame women organized Legging Day, where thousands wore leggings to class. Men of Notre Dame thanked the mom for writing.

Colorado Senator Michael Bennet told MSNBC that he’s “very inclined” to run for the Democratic nomination for president in 2020 — thus ensuring that Democratic primary debates will have more participants than viewers.

Attorney General William Barr plans to send the full 300-page Mueller Report to the White House before Congress sees it, so that they can redact ‘privileged information’. The White House will then issue a revised document titled ‘What Mueller Report?’

UFC fighter and epic scumbag Conor McGregor announced his retirement, coinciding with his being named in an assault investigation in Ireland. UFC President Dana White hasn’t given up and asked the alleged victim about staging a rematch.

Nicolas Cage filed to annul the Las Vegas marriage to his fourth wife, Erika Koike, just four days after they wed. Cage said they grew apart during the four days, while he shot two straight-to-video action movies.

A Virginia woman was arrested for embezzling $95,000 to pay for her upcoming wedding and a ‘butt lift’ procedure at a Miami clinic. “Nice ass!” said both her fiancee and her cellmate.

NFL owners approved instant replay review for coaches’ challenges of pass interference calls. It’s unclear how Patriots owner Robert Kraft voted, although he commented that he’s not crazy about expanded use of video these days.

Google pulled an anti-LGBT ‘conversion therapy’ app developed by Living Hope Ministries from its Play Store. It moved the app to its all-new Bigot Store.