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Jim Carrey condemned the standing ovation given to Will Smith as he accepted his Best Actor Oscar. Insiders predict Carrey’s outspoken stance will almost certainly cost him an Oscar nomination for his role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog 2.

Bassist Nikki Sixx said Motley Crue – whose Stadium Tour starts in 10 weeks – haven’t rehearsed together in nine years. He added that lead singer Vince Neil hasn’t sung every word of a song in 30 years.

A former Yale University employee sold $40 million worth of electronics and kept the money, buying luxury cars, real estate, travel, and tuition at University of Phoenix.

Dyson unveiled the ‘Dyson Zone’, headphones with a built-in air purifier for your nose and mouth. It’s for people who like to listen to e*books or music when they use the bathroom at Indian restaurants.

The World Health Organization is investigating hearing problems linked to COVID vaccines. But since COVID already knocked out victims’ taste & smell, they’re less concerned about not hearing farts.

A new study links avocado consumption to a lower risk of heart disease, but researchers warn that it’s still a bad idea to put guacamole on french fries.

Use of disinfectants by pregnant women may increase the risk that their children have eczema or asthma. Pregnant women are advised to douche with something other than Lysol.

Intelligence officials say the North Korean ICBM launch last week was staged – using an older rocket, not new technology. They made the determination after studying the rocket in the propaganda film and seeing a New Kids On The Block sticker on it.

Experts say Russian claims of withdrawal from major Ukrainian cities are false. Their opinions are echoed by Russian hookers, who say they, too, have been misled by Vladimir Putin saying he’ll pull out.

Brooklyn traffic cop Ranjeet Singh is being praised for viral video showing him dancing like Michael Jackson while working busy intersections. Although parents tell their kids to walk a block up the street so they don’t cross near him.

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Donald Trump signed the trillion-dollar COVID relief and government funding bill, but promised a line-by-line edit of the 5,000 page bill to reduce wasteful spending. In other news, Barron got two boxes of red ink pens in his stocking.

The World Health Organization claims a new mutant strain of supergonorrhea is on the rise during the pandemic. They recommend limiting its spread with condoms or genital distancing.

Investigators concluded the Nashville bomber killed himself when his RV exploded, but it was still more fun than most camping trips.

Masked Singer host Nick Cannon and partner Brittany Bell welcomed a baby girl, Powerful Queen Cannon. If it was a boy, they’d have named him either Powerful King Cannon, or Floyd.

Airlines may require travelers in 2021 to present a “vaccine passport”. Spirit Airlines may let passengers board the plane, then vaccinate themselves with needles other passengers leave behind.

Health officials warn nose-picking is contributing to the spread of COVID-19. They reiterate the importance of washing your hands prior to picking anyone’s nose.

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide the case of a 9th grade girl who was suspended from cheerleading for a year for posting the f-word on Snapchat. Before the court rules, Chief Justice John Roberts asked “why the f**k are we even hearing this case?”

Sarasota, Florida was named The Best Place To Retire in the U.S. by U.S. News & World Report. It was also named The Easiest Place To Chase Down A Meal by Alligator Dining magazine.

Actress Lori Loughlin was released from prison, before a live captive audience.

Philadelphia residents are encouraged to drop their natural Christmas tree at a local farm, where goats eat it. The goats ask that you just drop off the tree and leave, since they’re tired of talking about what went wrong with the Eagles.

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Former ‘The Bachelorette’ stars Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum announced they’re ending their marriage. ABC announced two new spinoff series: ‘The Divorcee’ and ‘The Dimwit’.

Italian Luca Corberi promised to never race in the World Karting Championship series, after crashing and throwing his kart’s bumper on the track at other drivers. His actions violate rules, which only allow throwing banana peels, turtle shells and bombs.

Google will now identify songs if you sing, hum or whistle them. Then it will beg you to stop.

Donald Trump said at his televised town hall that he can’t denounce QAnon, because if he did, it’ll be QPublic.

Chris Christie said he was in the Intensive Care Unit for seven days battling COVID-19. Then, two New Jersey doctors filed a patent for a method allowing patients to inhale cheeseburgers through a ventilator.

A surprising study from the World Health Organization said four drugs have little to no impact fighting severe cases of COVID-19. They are hydroxychloroquine, remdesivir, interferon..and last, but not least, heroin.

Disney expanded its content warning for racism in its library of animated films, adding racist stereotypes “were wrong then and a wrong now”. Then further adding “but we rake in money off of them then, and are raking in money off of them now”.

Alaina Pinto, a real-life Boston-area news anchor, was fired for appearing in a Harley Quinn costume in Netflix/Adam Sandler film ‘Hubie Halloween’. She was then offered work in an upcoming Rob Schneider film, but said she wasn’t that desperate yet.

A passenger on a Delta Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit claims she woke up from a nap to find a man standing and urinating on her. Even more amazing, he was able to do it from a window seat in coach.

A United Airlines executive is still missing two months after mysteriously disappearing from his home in Illinois. “Did you look in his checked baggage?” asked a different United Airlines executive.

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The Masked Singer eliminated The Bear, who was revealed to be Sarah Palin. The Bear/Palin had rapped Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’, with Palin admitting that “I like big butts” was dedicated to Donald Trump.

LEGO is releasing Nintendo Super Mario themed playsets. When you step on a Super Mario LEGO mushroom you don’t get coins, you still get a sore foot.

ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’, Peter Weber, selected Madison Prewett to be ‘the one’, despite his mother openly campaigning for him to choose a different woman. Female viewers seeing a boyfriend’s mother act like a total bitch call it the most realistic thing ever about ‘The Bachelor’.

The NBA suspended its season after a Utah Jazz player Rudy Gobert tested postitive for coronavirus. When games resume, it’s expected that Gobert will be open.

NCAA men’s and women’s basketball championship tournament games will only be attended by family members. Players are concerned about having to call their own fouls.

Disney and other Florida theme parks are staying open despite the spread of coronavirus. Kids are adjusting to getting their picture taken with Mickey Mouse standing six feet away.

Progress continues on Disney’s ‘Avengers Campus’ at their California Adventure theme park. Rumors has it that, if you’re willing to pay for the Thanos Pass, you can snap your fingers and make half the lines disappear.

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. However the World Dog Health Organization announced that cats can get it and should be dealt with accordingly. [story h/t to J.L.]

A new study claims 90% of new moms can identify a baby by its smell. That increases to 98% if the baby needs to be changed.

A U.S. Customs officer was arrested and charged with attempting to smuggle 40 pounds of cocaine. The contraband was detected by drug-sniffing dogs at Atlanta’s airport who were honestly dying for something to do these days.

 

 

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Andrew Yang ended his Presidential campaign, citing difficulty gaining voter recognition from behind his face mask.

The World Health Organization officially named the Wuhan coronavirus COVID-19. Next up, the W.H.O. is throwing COVID-19’s gender reveal party.

Cable company Optimum announced price increases up to $30/month for tv packages, citing “increased costs of programming that you never watch.”

Google Nest home security cameras will require two-factor authentication beginning this spring. After entering the first password, the hacker looking at your kid’s bedroom will ask for the second password sent to your email.

Philadelphia is considering widespread changes to its public bus routes. They claim statistics show buses are running slower than ever; and by “statistics” they mean the number of pedestrians run over by buses.

Cambodia will allow a Holland America cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus to dock, after five other countries refused it. Cambodian officials agreed to let the ship in after the captain told them how much food they had on board.

Pope Francis delayed a decision whether to allow married men to serve as priests in the Amazon region, adding that, until he does, they’re free to keep up whatever crazy jungle love they’ve got going on.

JD Power released its 2020 list of the Most Dependable Vehicles. Topping the list – the Lexus ES. The least dependable vehicle is the one driven by your stoner buddy who said he’d pick you up at the airport.

Scientists have detected an “unexplainable radio signal” from outer space that repeats every 16 days. The scientists have repeatedly attempted to make contact with the signal source, but have yet to win Mötley Crüe tickets.

A new online startup, Ever Loved, promises to disrupt the funeral industry, offering caskets for 50% less than those sold by mortuaries. Although some buyers are put off by the caskets sold as Certified Pre Owned.

 

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For the first time in 11 years, LeBron James was not named a 1st Team NBA All-Star. He then demanded his agent to get him a one-year max contract with the 1st Team NBA All-Stars.

President Trump attended a sumo wrestling championship match in Japan.                    Not participated in..attended.

11 climbers have died on Mount Everest so far this season. Experts blame overissuance of permits and allowing too many inexperienced climbers to attempt the summit. The most inexperienced get halfway up and ask their guide for directions to the snack bar.

The World Health Organization added “gaming disorder” to its official International Classification of Diseases.  Epic Games, publisher of Fortnite, offered their help to combat gaming disorder, issuing millions of health packs.

Wildlife experts captured an alligator that severely injured a woman in Melbourne, Florida. Witnessses identified a gator as the one who injured the woman, but only after picking it out of a five-gator lineup where four more people were bitten getting them all behind a two-way mirror.

A California man was attacked by a shark off the coast of Maui.  “You flew here! We GREW here!” said the shark whose favorite movie is ‘Blue Crush’  while claiming it was a Locals Only Beach.

A 35-year-old yoga instructor survived being lost for 17 days in the forests of Maui, saying that, during her ordeal, she spent a night in the lair of a wild boar. She is being treated at a local hospital, and has not returned the wild boar’s phone calls & texts.

IndyCar driver Jordan King hit a member of his pit crew during a pit stop at the Indy 500, injuring his leg and forcing his removal via stretcher. The crew member accepted responsibility, distracting King by texting him asking when he was stopping for gas.

A Japanese man on a flight from Mexico City to Tokyo died after ingesting 246 bags of cocaine.  The flight made an emergency landing in Hermosito, Mexico, where rival gangs had a shootout in the emergency room trying to claim the body.

Actress Patricia Arquette said that producers asked her to lose weight while filming her then-hit tv show, ‘Medium’. It was that or change the name of the show to ‘Large’.

Fans are demanding refunds after the first two shows of the Spice Girls summer stadium tour have been plagued by awful sound problems. Promoters have so far refused, explaining that those are the songs.

MacKenzie Bezos pledged to give away half of her $37 billion fortune now that she’s single. Ex-husband Jeff Bezos will also give away half his fortune a second time once he divorces Lauren Sanchez.

 

 

 

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Wells Fargo bank expects to cut 26,500 jobs over the next three years. Execs think that’s the right number, but they can’t be sure how many employees are fakes made up by other employees to open bogus checking accounts.

Increased cases of a rare eye infection have been reported among contact lens wearers in the U.K. Acanthamoeba keratitis, infection of the cornea, has tripled since 2011. Health officials say they’ve been slow to identify the trend because everyone there has foggy vision.

In a new episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, daughter Kourtney slams her mother, Kris Jenner, for cheating on her father when she was a kid – wondering why she would even bother having an affair if she didn’t have a tv show yet to cash in on it.

Halloween costume company Yandy removed a sexy “brave red maiden” costume from its site. The outfit is similar to those worn by women forced into sexual surrogacy in The Handmaid’s Tale. Yandy stopped selling the costume and said customers ordering it will be able to substitute its “sexy textile sweatshop worker” outfit for free.

President Trump, tweeting in regard to Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s alleged sexual assault on Christine Blasey Ford, wrote that if the attack was ‘as bad as she says’ charges would have been filed….adding “and I know a thing or two about this stuff.”

A Michigan mother was arrested and held for two hours when she confiscated her daughter’s iPhone as punishment.  An Apple spokesperson said she could have avoided being jailed if she’d followed advice in the Tips app.

Apple created a microsite where you can use your current mobile phone’s browser to look at a 3D model of the new iPhone XS. It’s so lifelike, if you drop your phone, the screen of the virtual XS breaks and you’re charged $49 to open your browser again.

The Cleveland Browns won a football game for the first time in nearly two years – and, by doing so, unlocked thousands of free Bud Light beers around the city for fans. Because the game ended so late, some of the beers were set aside to be enjoyed at Cleveland-area day care centers before nap time.

According to the World Health Organization, 1 in every 20 global deaths are attributable to alcohol consumption. They presented the findings in a new report entitled “Dilly Dilly”.

A study published in the Journal of Physical Activity and Health found that the most dangerous, injury-inducing, type of dance is in Zumba classes. The study cited some cases of women injuring their feet, and other cases of women being shot by men forced to go with them to Zumba.

 

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The World Health Organization reports that, by the end of the century, cancer will be the Number One cause of death globally — causing a huge sigh of relief from obese people with heart disease who misunderstood the report.

The 27th season cast of  ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars was revealed on Tuesday morning, including Bobby Bones; Tinashe; & ‘Grocery Store Joe’.  ABC also announced that for season 28, the show’s name will be changed to ‘Dancing With Whoever’s Left’.

President Trump called the U.S.’ disaster relief response to Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico – where over 2,900 residents died – an ‘unsung success’. A day later, the President clarified that thousands of people would have sung about the great care they received, but they were dead.

Nancy Crampton-Brophy, a romance/suspense novelist who once wrote an essay entitled ‘How To Murder Your Husband’, was arrested and charged with killing her husband. Her defense attorney declined comment, but said privately that “you really need to admire her follow-through.”

Rapper/actor Bow Wow, commenting in the wake of the overdose death of rapper Mac Miller, admitted his past addiction to cough syrup. Bow Wow said that he drank ‘lean’ – a combination of promethazine/codeine-based syrup and soft drinks – every day, adding that he was originally prescribed the drugs for a severe kennel cough.

A study on Bankrate.com revealed that the lowest-income U.S. households spend $412 annually on lottery tickets, nearly four times the national average of $105. The same study reveals that persons living in these poor households are also four times more likely to contract carpal scratch-off syndrome.

Microsoft announced its Windows 10 operating system updates for October. The ‘Snipping Tool’ for screengrabs is being phased out, replaced by ‘Snip & Sketch’. CEO Satya Nadella praised the move, saying it saves users having to open a second program to draw penises on the faces captured onscreen.

Reverend Christian Ohazulume, a Roman Catholic priest, has been charged with sexually assaulting a young girl while staying in her family’s home in 2006.  Reached at the Vatican for comment, Pope Francis said “Girl? That’s different.”

Kim Kardashian’s new prank show, ‘You Kiddin’ Me?’, debuts on Facebook Live on September 22nd. The show displays the Kardashian/Jenner family playing practical jokes on each other while your personal data is stolen and sold.

Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst filed for divorce from his wife of six years, Kseniya. Durst cited irreconcilable differences, specifically, the inability to do it all for the nookie.

 

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After a harrowing ordeal lasting almost three weeks, all 12 member boys and the coach of the Wild Boars soccer team have been successfully rescued from a flooded cave in Thailand. The Boars forfeited two games and took the pitch just in time to lose 72-0 on Monday night.

President Trump nominated Brett Kavanaugh to the open seat on the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh dislikes abortion, but likes guns, unfettered executive branch power, and long walks on the beach.

As Trump held a press conference introducing Kavanaugh, Stormy Daniels was stripping nearby at local club The Cloakroom. Her show charged $50, or $200 if you wanted to Daniels to sit on your bench.

Following an eight-year search, Australian researchers have captured a massive, 1,300 pound crocodile as it lurked near a boat ramp in a river.  The researchers said they wanted to capture and isolate it to prevent it from “interacting with humans” — noting that the croc is a Registered Toddler-Eating Offender.

  • The croc will now “be taken to a croc farm” in Australia’s Katherine region. “We’re getting the f**k out of here” said chickens currently residing on the farm.

A husband and wife participating in a Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines ‘Extreme Caribe Zip Line Tour’ collided while on the lines, killing the husband. Asked what safety measures were in place, the cruise’s tour director replied “zip”.

Todd, a golden retriever that defended its owner Paula Godwin from a rattlesnake, was invited as a guest of honor to an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. Todd and Godwin took the field before the game, but the dog left after two innings because he was bored.

Four young men swooped into an Apple store in Fresno, California, stealing $27.000 worth of Apple laptops and iPhones in under a minute. A man attempting to block the thieves from leaving the store was knocked over. The thieves remain at large, and the injured man returned to his station behind the Hero Bar.

Peggy Frank, a 63-year-old U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Southern California was found dead in her mail truck on Friday, while delivering mail in temperatures registering near 120 degrees. She could not be saved despite resuscitation attempts by paramedics and people wondering where their Social Security checks were.

The World Health Organization and the United Nations Health Agency reasserted their warnings that parents should moderate their kids’ video game play when gaming ‘takes over other activities’. However, the WHO and UN were roundly criticized by both the International Game Developers Association, and the makers of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

For the second time in as many days, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was heckled out of a restaurant by protesters. McConnell was clearly frustrated, but should have known there would be trouble when he saw more than one other customer in a Long John Silver’s.

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Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen denied that the United States has a policy of separating children of illegal immigrants from their parents at the U.S. border. Rather, she said the problem was gathering up all of the 5-and-under Mexican runaways.

Disney issued a warning to moviegoers, saying that certain sequences of flashing lights in Incredibles 2 could trigger seizures. Theaters now ask that the audience silence their cell phones and epileptic family members.

The Veterans Administration is under fire for hiding poor quality ratings of its nursing homes. The ratings scale runs from ‘Acceptable’ to ‘Someone From 60 Minutes Is Asking To Visit.’

Giant hogweed, an invasive plant with sap that can cause burns and blindness, has been found growing in eastern Virginia. Officials say the plant should be destroyed with herbicides or other non-contact methods, unless you really dislike your husband and want to send him out there to rip it out bare-handed.

Apple is updating iPhone software so users’ precise location will be shared in the event they dial 911. They are hoping this will allow law enforcement to more quickly locate the hundreds of female Uber customers each day who take a ride with a creep.

A 23-year-old man has been accused of making fraudulent returns to over 1,000 Walmart locations, by returning computers after removing parts from them. Employees became suspicious because they don’t see many customers who know how to use a computer.

The World Health Organization has officially classified ‘gaming disorder’ as a mental health condition, likening it to substance abuse and gambling addiction. They clarify that ‘gaming disorder’ is not to be confused with the more common affliction where people just suck at video games.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in the drinking water of a town in southern Louisiana. Asked what it was doing there, the mayor joked “starving”.

High winds at a Denver, Colorado park sent portable toilets flying in the air. No one was injured, and officials assured families at the park that the winds were coming from outside the toilets.

Delaware wants to have parents issue consent before their child’s gender identity can be recognized at school. Children were sent home with forms for parents to check ‘male’; ‘female’; ‘fluid’; ‘trans’; and ‘I Don’t Know’.