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Police arrested a man drilling holes in the dressing room walls of Target stores in suburban Philadelphia. No word on whether he planned to stick his Target Team Member in them.

Alabama passed the most restrictive anti-abortion law in the nation. Mississippi is next – they’re telling residents it’s illegal to shoot storks.

The College Board will assign an “Adversity Score” to students’ SAT results, in order to factor in their social and economic challenges. The scores will range from a high of “East L.A. Gang Member” to a low of “Olivia Jade”.

A Florida woman was arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon outside of a Key West strip club for throwing a coconut at a man recording video of her on his phone. She plans to fight the charge since she has a coconut permit.

A Florida man was arrested for practicing basketball in the nude at an Orlando-area park. He told cops practicing naked improves his skills. He put his clothes back on, but only after demonstrating a nifty crossover dribble from his right hand to his erect penis.

University of Washington researchers created an app that detects ear infections using a paper cone attached to the phone that you stick in your ear. You attach the cone to your phone, stick it in your ear and hope nobody calls you at that exact moment.

Taco Bell announced it’s opening The Bell: A Taco Bell Hotel & Resort this summer in Palm Springs. It’s supposedlly an immersive experience in ‘the Taco Bell lifestyle’ – which is why every suite in the hotel has four bathrooms.

SpaceX is launching a “mini constellation” of 60 satellites in an effort to deliver broadband internet access to underserved areas on the globe unable to stream porn.

Penn-Trafford school district in Pennsylvania is being criticized for putting a ‘Middle Eastern’ headdress on a teacher posing as an active shooter during a drill. The school apologized, saying its next drill will feature costumes from the drama club production of The Wizard of Oz.

Munich, Germany startup Lillum says it will offer flying taxis hailable by app starting in 2025, and wrongful death settlements starting in 2026.

 

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A 70-year-old Oklahoma man was arrested in Arizona, driving in his underwear with his dead wife’s nude body in the passenger seat. The man said his wife died overnight at a hotel, but he decided to continue with their trip so he could use carpool lanes.

Alabama lawmakers passed a near-total ban on abortions, frustrating women’s reproductive rights advocates while boosting Florida tourism for pregnant Alabama teens looking for a long weekend.

Uber is offering ‘Quiet Mode’ for premium rides like Uber Black, where you can request that the driver not speak to you, thereby allowing women passengers to decide if they’d rather be creeped out by conversation or silence.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the number of children born in the U.S. dropped to its lowest level in 32 years – coinciding with a rise in the number of people saying they were Satisfied or Very Satisfied with their U.S. airline flight.

Claude Monet’s ‘Haystacks’ sold for $110.7 million at auction, setting a record for an impressionist work. The buyer was unidentified, but is rumored to be saving up for a new matching couch.

Roger Daltrey yelled at pot smokers near the stage at The Who’s Madison Square Garden show, saying he’s allergic to it and that it ruins his singing voice. The fans apologized and quickly switched to smoking meth.

Shooting on the 25th James Bond film was temporarily halted when star Daniel Craig’s ankle was sprained, not stirred.

Former NBA star Lamar Odom has a new memoir, admitting to cheating on ex-wife Khloe Kardashian, writing, “I couldn’t keep my d*ck in my pants or the coke out of my nose”. Co-author Chris Palmer is credited with help bringing this eloquent prose to the page.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers continue to argue against public release of Kraft’s massage parlor video, saying it will limit his right to a fair trial, and is already limiting his ability to hire massage therapists for the New England Patriots.

New lawsuits are threatening to disrupt the standard 6% commission structure for licensed realtors. Lawyers for the National Association of Realtors responded to the suits with arguments printed on magnets that the judges can put on their refrigerators.

 

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Amazon is testing robotic machines that are able to pack customer orders in special boxes. The machines reportedly replace up to 24 human jobs, once they’ve figured out how to skip breaks by leaking oil into empty soda bottles.

A French documentary reports that Amazon routinely disposes of large quantities of unsold, unwanted products in what it terms “destruction zones” – their code name for Sears.

President Trump is reportedly highly involved in planning the nation’s July 4th celebration, including his giving a speech from the Lincoln Memorial. Staffers are busy figuring out how to move the Lincoln Memorial to Florida.

University of Michigan head basketball coach John Beilein is leaving the school to become head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The deal is reportedly for five years and a salary that makes it worth moving to Cleveland.

Facebook is paying content moderators up to $22/hour to review and manage potentially objectionable content. So when that girl told you she wouldn’t want to see your privates if you paid her? Well, now there’s someone who will.

AirHelp compiled its list of the best and worst airports worldwide. Newark Liberty Airport was named the Worst Airport in the United States.  Travelers with checked baggage arriving in Philadelphia International Airport plan to appeal.

Matthew Boling set a new U.S. high school record with a 10.13 second 100-meter dash.  Boling’s nickname is ‘white lightning’, because he is fast and because Irish American Lightning isn’t especially catchy.

Senator Elizabeth Warren refused an invitation to attend a Fox News Town Hall, calling Fox News a “hate-for-profit racket”. Fox News executives are considering it to replace their retired slogan “Fair and Balanced”.

Match.com is launching ‘Ask Match’, a feature where you can request dating advice from Match experts. So far, Match has terminated a number of male dating coaches whose sole advice to female members was “maybe you should just have sex with him.”

Lenovo has introduced a new laptop with a screen that bends in half. They say they got the idea from watching TSA inspectors do the same thing at airport check-in lines.

 

 

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Police arrested a woman at a Largo, Florida Burger King when she refused to leave the bathroom. When she did, cops found seven syringes containing clear liquid hidden in her vagina. The woman said she “f**ked up”, and also said she didn’t know how fertility injections worked.

Officials in Iowa are warning residents about canine brucellis, a disease in dogs that can be spread to humans through dogs reproductive fluids. Pet owners are reminded to wash their hands regularly or, if they’re really lonely in Iowa, to use a condom.

Prince Jackson – Michael Jackson’s eldest son – graduated with a business administration degree from Loyola Marymount University. He grabbed his diploma with one hand and his crotch with the other.

Demi Lovato announced she’s hired a new manager, Scooter Braun, who also manages Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande and others. No word on when or if she plans to ride her new Scooter.

Lauren Sanchez is reportedly pressuring billionaire boyfriend Jeff Bezos to make their public debut as a couple. Thanks to photos acquired by the National Inquirer, Bezos has already made his pubic debut.

Japan is testing its new 248mph bullet train. [photo below] Men are super excited to ride it, women need some time to get used to the idea.

bullet train

An Oregon woman accused McDonald’s of negligence when she asked an employee to fill her 4-year-old’s sippy cup, and an employee put scalding hot water in it. The daughter suffered minor burns and blisters, and was pissed it wasn’t the coffee she wanted.

Levels of CO2 exceeded 415 parts per million for the first time in modern human history, a record level of greenhouse gas. Citizens who want to make a difference are encouraged to plant a tree and watch it die.

Tinder announced they’re rolling out Tinder Lite for use in emerging overseas markets, where access to cellular data is limited, but which have pent-up demand for sexually transmitted disease.

Tinder also announced the introduction of Festival Mode, a way for men & women at events like Bonnaroo, Electric Daisy Carnival & Firefly to find matches – in hopes of getting both a backstage and a backdoor pass.

 

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A York County, Pennsylvania man caught the state’s largest-ever catfish, measuring over 3 1/2 feet and weighing 50 pounds. It was released back into the Susquehanna River and swam to the nearest Planet Fitness.

Outrage surrounds the story of a California teacher taking extended leave to treat her cancer, who is required to pay $240/day to her substitute teacher, as well as a smaller amount for the spitwads and Kick Me signs thrown at and placed on the sub.

A 70-year-old man missing in the Philadelphia area was found dead in a large plastic storage container in a city home. Police are not releasing his cause of death or how he got in the container. The owner of the home has canceled her Tupperware parties.

Norah O’Donnell will replace Jeff Glor as anchor of the CBS Evening News. Glor will leave after tonight’s broadcast, and the news division at CBS said they’re sad to put their Glory days behind them.

Daye, a startup company that invented a cramp-fighting tampon infused with CBD oil, raised $5.5 million in funds. They say the product works, but users still manage to bitch about how expensive it is.

Researchers found that fish in the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean have developed superpowered low-light vision — but that fish with super vision also think the other fish are “not much to look at.” [story h/t to A.O.]

Party City is closing 45 stores because of a global helium shortage and its impact on balloon sales. They’re also firing any employees caught speaking in a hilarious high-pitched voice.

Porn site xHamster plans to block “MILF” videos on Mother’s Day and is using hashtag #MomsBeforeMILFs, to encourage users to connect with their mothers. Real-life moms will be delighted to know their kids put jerking off on hold to express their love.

Fitbit introduced its new kid-focused fitness tracker, the Ace 2. Now overbearing parents can harass their kids to finish their homework and their 10,000 steps.

Researchers in Boston are using fecal transplants from healthy people to obese people, in order to change their metabolism and help them lose weight. The studies show mixed results, as many recipients maintain weight, and others fart the transplant out.

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First Lady Melania Trump kicked off year two of her youth-focused well-being program, ‘Be Best’. She said that, with enhancements to the program, she expects it to Be Bester.

Starting this summer, prescription drug ads in the U.S. will need to mention the drug’s price if it exceeds $35/month.  Drug companies asked for a compromise but were told “if you have to ask, you can’t afford depression” isn’t a real price.

University of Georgia sprinter Elija Goodwin slipped and fell into a javelin during practice, piercing his lung. He attempted to stagger away, but stepped on the head of rake next to the long-jump pit and was struck unconscious by the handle.

McDonald’s announced they’ll offer some international menu items in select U.S. restaurants for a limited time. McDonald’s wants to allow American customers to see how diners in other countries contract heart disease.

MTV fired Janelle Evans and her baby daddy, David Eason, from ‘Teen Mom 2’ after details emerged that Eason killed their dog, Nugget, after it snapped at their daughter. MTV said if the couple shot each other instead of the dog, it would have been better for ratings.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced the name of their baby, Archie. Harry said he was inspired by looking at photos of his big-eared father, Jughead.

Electric scooter rental service Bird is now selling its scooters direct to consumers. They say the average buyer is someone who’s rented an electric scooter, and wanted to recreate the excitement they experienced from their first concussion.

Amazon is selling a do-it-yourself guest house that can be assembled in 8 hours. When it’s finished and your mother-in-law moves in, you leave it on your porch and wait for someone to steal it.

A new University of Michigan study of wasps shows they’re highly intelligent, possessing a form of logical reasoning believed to have only existed in vertebrate mammals. This means when a wasp sees you pick up a magazine, it knows it better get the hell out.

A new porn video shows a man and woman having sex in a Tesla while the car drives on autopilot. Responding to critics, the woman said the video is clearly a fantasy, because most guys can’t afford a Tesla, and the video lasts three minutes.

 

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A couple in Mongolia contracted bubonic plague and died after eating marmot meat, leading to a six-day quarantine of 116 people who were also with the couple at the grand opening of Mongolia’s first Jersey Mike’s.

President Trump asserted executive privilege over the unredacted Mueller Report to prevent its release to Congress, offering instead to lend them other 400-page books that he’ll never read.

Harry and Meghan, Duke and Duchess of Sussex, released the first photo of their newborn son, for now answering the question on many people’s mind: “How black is he?”.

A Florida man was arrested for refusing to remove a window sticker from his car reading “I Eat Ass”. Police did not require him to remove the Post-It notes with phone numbers stuck on his car by other Florida men & women.

An Orthodox Jewish couple flying Spirit Airlines from New York to Florida filed a lawsuit, claiming discrimination and insults from crew because of their faith. Spirit Airlines said singling out Jews violates their policy, which calls for treating all passengers like garbage.

Archaeologists in the Bolivian Andes discovered a 1,000-year-old “ritual bundle” – containing five different psychoactive substances including cocaine and ayahuasca. They also discovered cash and a poster for a weekend-long jam band festival.

A new survey claims that 76% of craft beer drinkers are not influenced by price when it comes to purchasing craft beer – but that 100% women are influenced to walk away when they start talking about their favorite craft beers.

A new tariff threatens to increase the price of fresh tomatoes from Mexico by 40 to 85%, as Italian families brace for Sunday dinners with grandma bitching about how much the gravy cost.

PGA golfer John Daly, suffering from diabetes and dizzy spells, has been granted permission to use a golf cart instead of walking during this weekend’s PGA Championship. He can drive it, but only after he blows into a breathalyzer.

A doorbell camera on a home in Lawton Oklahoma captured a non-venomous snake dropping from a porch light and biting a visitor. The snake then swallowed an Amazon delivery box whole and slithered off with it.

 

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Darrell “Dusty” Crawford of Montana was revealed to have the oldest DNA on the continent, verfiable with 99% accuracy of going back 55 generations. He decided to get tested after receiving a letter from someone claiming to be his long-lost stegasaurus cousin.

Lady Gaga stripped down to her underwear on the red carpet at the Met Gala. “Put some clothes on!” said an onlooker, handing her a pound of sliced ham.

Google and Apple removed three dating apps from their respective app stores because the FTC said they could be used to target children — leaving hundreds of fourth graders scrambling for a new way to find dates to the big dance in the gym this weekend.

The FCC is warning people about the One Ring Robocall – where scammers call from an international number and hang up, hoping you’ll call back and be gouged with call charges. This is not to be confused with the One Ring Bootycall, where your ex-boyfriend calls you and hangs up when a guy answers the phone.

A new study claims that severe alcohol-related liver disease is on the rise, especially in young adults. Chalk up another victory for the makers of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg suggested that if God supported a political party, that it wouldn’t be the Republicans — overlooking the idea that if there really was a God, she or he could just get whatever they wanted as an Independent.

Cynthia Struble, a 64-year-old American Airlines flight attendant, was stopped from working a flight out of London Heathrow Airport for a blood-alcohol level four times the legal limit. She failed a sobriety test, pointing to lavatories instead of exits.

The world’s fastest supercomputer, dubbed Frontier, will be built in the U.S. by 2021. It will be able to perform 1.5 quintillion calculations per second — making it capable of updating an Apple operating system in just under 45 minutes.

The Centers for Disease Control commented on prediabetes, a condition affecting millions of Americans with high blood sugar, but not high enough to be Type 2 diabetes. They recommend specific lifestyle changes, such as avoiding the $5 box at Popeye’s.

The CDC also issued a list of four groups at highest risk to contract measles, based on the current outbreak. They are: young children, unvaccinated travelers, pregnant women, and the Brady Bunch in that episode antivaxxers keep harping about.

 

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The unmarked grave of Joseph Merrick – better known as The Elephant Man — has been discovered after 130 years.  They knew it was his because the coffin was really big and misshapen at one end.

It’s Teacher Appreciation Week – so students nationwide are tying ribbons on their middle fingers before they flip ’em up behind their teacher’s back.

Duchess Meghan Markle delivered a 7-pound 3-ounce baby boy at 5:26a.m. local time. She was crowning shortly before, and the baby is a longshot to be crowned in about fifty years.

The owner of disqualified Kentucky Derby winner Maximum Security will appeal the decision. Maximum Security was shown to have jumped over a puddle and made contact with other horses, instead of laying down a blanket so girl horses could safely run through the puddle.

The maker of meatless Impossible Burgers – which will be rolled out to Burger King nationwide – says they’re running out of them. So, for the time being, they’re Nothingburgers.

E! Network cancelled actress Busy Philipps’ talk show. On May 16, they’ll air the last episode of ‘Busy Tonight’, on May 17, she will be Free Tonight.

Hallmark Channel aired new episodes of ‘When Calls The Heart’ without star Lori Loughlin. Hallmark fired Loughlin in the wake of the Operation Varsity Blues scandal, and will base their decision to hire her back on the finale of ‘When Given The Sentence’.

Uber & Lyft drivers plan to strike between 7 and 9a.m. Wednesday, as they seek to guarantee a minimum hourly wage. Women seeking an Uber or Lyft that morning are advised not to get in one that isn’t at least two hours away.

A new study found chemical sunscreens enter the bloodstream after just one day of use. The discovery was originally made after a young woman cut herself the day after visiting the beach and noticed that Coppertone smell.

Planet Fitness said it’s opening 225 new gyms, many in former Sears and Toys R Us locations. They expect to sign up thousands of out-of-shape uncool people who still visit the locations out of habit.

 

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Actor Peter Mayhew, who played Chewbacca in beloved Star Wars films, died at age 74. No cause of death was released, but it’s rumored he was upset over feedback from footage of his portrayal of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Jeff Fowler, director of the upcoming Sonic the Hedgehog movie, tweeted that the design of the Sonic character will be changed based on fan feedback, and that the title of the movie will be changed to Fortnite.

A man fell 70 feet into Hawaii’s KÏlauea volcano and survived, in what locals are calling a pretty lousy human sacrifice.

  • The man was airlifted to a local hospital, where his family expressed hope that he recovers in time for his trip to the Grand Canyon.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh resigned after she made over $500,000 selling her children’s books to entities that do business with the city. The books promote exercise, a healthy diet, and instruct Baltimore children how to pick the right gang.

Maine became the first state to ban foam food & beverage packaging. The ban takes place January 1, 2021, to allow Dunkin 19 months to find cups that won’t dissolve when their coffee is poured into them.

Just hours after hosting the Billboard Music Awards, host Kelly Clarkson was flown from Las Vegas to Los Angeles for an emergency appendectomy. Clarkson said she felt extreme stomach pain all week, but figured it was from having to listen to Paula Abdul rehearse.

Online site Wallethub released their list of the ‘Best U.S. Airlines for Flying With Pets.’ They compiled the list by bringing dogs on 15 different carriers, and seeing which ones lived through the entire flight.

Two Australian men diagnosed with measles are confirmed to have visited a McDonald’s restaurant in Kooringal, New South Wales. Officials are warning those who visited the restaurant to see a doctor, and those who are planning to visit to avoid the McMeasles Value Meal.

An elderly Melbourne, Australia couple mistakenly received a package containing 20kg of methamphetamine, valued at over $7 million. They alerted authorities because they weren’t expecting a package, and because the elderly man broke his back lifting a 20kg box.

David Allen’s bestselling book ‘Getting Things Done’ has generated legions of devoted followers to his simple productivity rule: ‘if you can do it in under two minutes, do it now.’ Although critics say it has also created legions of chronic speedy masturbators.