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A federal judge dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation suit against President Trump, saying that Trump calling Daniels’ claims of threats & harassment “a total con job” was just ‘rhetorical hyperbole’. The judge added that he can’t really remember Trump using language that wasn’t ‘rhetorical hyperbole’.

Former American Idol Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba was arrested & charged with dealing heroin.  Her next performance will be a blues number.

Los Angeles Dodgers announcing legend Vin Scully declined an invite from Fox Sports’ Joe Buck to join him in the broadcast booth during the Dodgers/Brewers playoff game. Scully said that he wouldn’t want to get in the broadcasters’ spotlight in any way, especially if it meant listening to Joe Buck.

A Tennessee father attacked his son with a chainsaw, then lost his leg when the son ran over him with a riding lawn mower in self-defense. The father was charged with second-degree attempted murder, and neighbors were left wondering who was going to clean up the huge mess in the yard.

Lady Gaga confirmed her engagement to talent agent Christian Carino, or, as he’ll soon be known, Lord Gaga.

A New England Patriots fan who dumped beer on Kansas City wide receiver Tyreek Hill has been identified and had his case turned over to local law enforcement. He has also been banned from all Gillette Stadium events – but was spotted at a local Halloween store buying a disguise for a Kenny Chesney concert.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren made public results of a DNA test that she says proves her claim of Native American heritage. The DNA was swabbed from a deck of cards at an Indian casino where she worked as a blackjack dealer.

Will Smith appeared on wife Jada Pinkett Smith’s Facebook show, ‘Red Table Talk’ to discuss a low point in their marriage. Will Smith said that his wife ” woke up and cried for 45 days straight.” Jada said that she was drinking too much, and had also just watched ‘After Earth’.

Singer Roger Daltrey said in a new memoir he discovered he had fathered three ‘secret’ daughters in the time between his first and second marriages. “Who are you? Who? Who?” he asked them.

An article by Gizmodo claims that the ‘Do Not Track’ privacy feature in web browsers doesn’t work because websites refuse to abide by it. This was noticed by a guy receiving a gift basket on his fifth anniversary buying Pornhub Premium.

 

 

 

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Two female bachelorettes competing on Asian tv show ‘Bachelor: Vietnam’ have reportedly dropped out of the competition so that they could have a romantic relationship with each other. This confused The Bachelor, who thought he was going to be part of the show’s first threesome.

A class action suit being brought by Asian-Americans is alleging racial bias in Harvard University’s student admissions process. “See, I knew it was fixed!” said an Asian kid with an 1100 combined SAT score in his dorm at Arizona State.

Apple acquired music analytics firm Asaii, which claims that its algorithms filter social media and streaming music to predict which unsigned artists will become “the next Justin Bieber.” So far, Asaii has found zero Justin Biebers and millions of Annoying Friends asking you to come watch them sing Taylor Swift covers at open mic.

Apple released a series of Apple Watch ‘how to’ videos over the weekend. They include “How to start a workout”; “How to use Emergency SOS”; and “How to corner your friends and coworkers into asking about your new Apple Watch.”

President Trump was interviewed on 60 Minutes and said that he treated alleged sexual assault victim Christine Blasey Ford with respect, adding that it doesn’t matter because “we won”. It was unclear in Trump’s mind whether “we” referred to conservatives, or men who get away with sexual assault.

Scientists at Caltech and University of Quebec have developed the world’s fastest camera, capable of capturing 10 trillion frames per second. The camera can capture the progress of a beam of light in slow motion, but the scientists’ dads still managed to take out-of-focus photos of their own necks pointing it the wrong way.

In a posthumously published book, physicist Stephen Hawking warns the unchecked growth of artificial intelligence could wipe out humanity. Hawking warns humans will need to build safeguards to slow down super robots, such as coding kill switches or making the robots want to eat at Chipotle.

Sears declared bankruptcy after being unable to make a $134 million debt payment that was due on Monday. Sears tried to raise the cash by returning truckloads of Craftsman tools and Toughskins jeans to Amazon, but they were only offered store credit.

Sony PlayStation 4 owners are reportedly seeing their consoles seize up and crash due to a malicious message. The message is from the gamers’ moms saying if they don’t get jobs, they’re smashing the PlayStation.

A new viral Facebook hoax has emerged, this one warning of the dangers of cloned accounts. Facebook says safeguards are in place to prevent cloning, but that users whose friends have a cloned account may enjoy the ability to unfriend them twice.

 

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Mohammed Dewji, Africa’s youngest billionaire, was kidnapped while using the fitness center at a luxury hotel in Tanzania. Law enforcement officials are questioning how the perpetrators got in, and others are questioning how the Ramada Inn of Tanzania qualifies as a luxury hotel.

Melania Trump claims in an interview that she’s the most bullied person in the world – citing repeated, unwanted sexual advances she gets almost every day from an overweight man in his 70s.

In the wake of Hurricane Michael’s devastating landfall, President Trump was briefed on relief efforts for the Florida panhandle. After that briefing, Trump asked for another one to discuss how the rest of the pan was doing.

Kanye West visited the White House. Cameras caught him unlocking his iPhone with the passcode 000000.  When video of the passcode went viral, West quickly asked his assistant to update it to 000001.

West told the President that he’d been misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, but that the real problem was sleep deprivation. Kanye added that the sleep deficit could lead to dementia in 10 to 20 years. Trump sleeps 4 hours a night and is about 30 years older than West, so America is doing the math.

Neil Patrick Harris appeared on The View, and told host Whoopi Goldberg that when he was 15, he did a movie with her. At the end of the shoot, Harris said Goldberg told him “in 10 years time, she was going to have sex with me.” Harris told the story after being asked when he knew he was gay.

Researchers in China have successfully bred mice from same-sex parents. The mice pups from two female parents survived, but the mice pups bred from two male parents died soon after birth, because the two dads were terrible at both breastfeeding and cooking.

A man who identified himself as a police officer from Mexico was caught with 50 pounds of methamphetamine in his car after being pulled over in Southern California. Asked what he doing with all of the meth, he said he was Door Prize Coordinator for the Mexican Policeman’s Ball.

A 2017 study from the American Cancer Society shows that obesity is the cause for sharply rising colorectal cancer rates among people in their 20s and 30s, and in their 200s and 300s.

Google Translate can now visually translate 13 more languages by using the camera on your smartphone, including Punjabi, Thai, Tamil, Vietnamese and more. Users can now more easily scan foreign-language restaurant menus to see which foods will give them crippling stomach cramps and diarrhea.

The Mormon Church is encouraging women – but not men – to leave social media for 10 days.  “Okay, you got 10 days, go get yourselves laid” said the head of the Mormon Church to Mormon men.

 

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Hurricane Michael roared into the Florida Panhandle as a Category 4 storm. The official death toll stands at two persons, but some worry that will rise as they reach more remote areas. On the bright side, the storm closed 18 Waffle Houses so officials said that’ll save some lives.

Kylie Jenner revealed she’s using lip fillers again. “Wait, let’s hear more about this!” said a family whose home was destroyed by Hurricane Michael.

In a study published in Scientific Reports, scientists in Spain developed a self-replicating form of quantum artificial life. Other scientists dismissed the report when they found the self-replication of a new life was just turning Super Mario into Mini Mario.

Owner of the NFL’s Jacksonville Jaguars, Shad Khan, is said to be exploring the tax implication of playing home games in London, but keeping the team based in Jacksonville. He’s also said to be exploring the implications of retraining football hooligans to become American football hooligans.

Audiophiles have a new “listening bar” in London called Moonglow. The café will be equipped with high-end sound for visitors to enjoy music while they sip coffee and drinks in between pummeling writers who wreck the vibe by clicking on their laptop.

CNN host Don Lemon is being called racist for his statement that rapper Kanye West is “the token negro of the Trump administration.” Lemon’s supporters, however, countered that there’s been a staff opening ever since Omarosa’s departure.

City Works Eatery & Pour House, a gigantic sports bar, is opening at Disney Springs at Orlando, Florida’s Walt Disney World Resort. The bar will feature over 80 beers on tap, and a special team of bouncers assigned to keep Snow White, Ariel & the other Princesses from being harassed.

The U.S. Postal Service is proposing its largest rate hike since 1991, taking the price of a Forever stamp to 55 cents. A spokesperson said the rate hike is due to Forever seeming a lot longer since the Trump administration started.

Former UFC and current WWE star Ronda Rousey called fellow wrestlers Nikki & Brie Bella “a bunch of untrustworthy bitches”.  Rousey defends her title against Nikki in the WWE Evolution all-women pay-per-view event – a series of all-female battles with fixed outcomes bought by horny male losers striking a huge victory for feminism.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has reportedly ordered a new investigation into Brett Kavanaugh. The investigation stems from Roberts’ butthurt omission from getting free Washington Nationals tickets that Kavanaugh reportedly incurred a six-figure debt to purchase.

 

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Google introduced its new Pixel 3 smartphones, citing their highly sophisticated artificial intelligence tools. Google added that the artificial intelligence tools can be disabled by dropping the phone on the sidewalk.

Rumors are circulating that Ivanka Trump is being considered to replace Nikki Haley as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. The White House cites Ivanka’s extensive international diplomacy experience hiring children to work in factories for her now-defunct apparel line.

Multilingual imbecile and bully-enabling anti-bullying crusader Melania Trump claims that her offers to assist international aid organizations are ignored because of her marriage to Donald Trump. Aid organizations replied, for the 100th time, starving children don’t need gently-used designer shoes and clothing.

A flight from Detroit to Shanghai was diverted back to Detroit for a passenger medical emergency, but arrived too late and the passenger was pronounced dead on arrival. The FAA said it was the first time ever that someone was dying to get to Detroit.

The New York Yankees were eliminated by the Boston Red Sox, three games to one, in the American League divisional playoffs. After the game, George Steinbrenner emerged from beyond the grave In Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park to fire manager Aaron Boone.

The New York Times profiled Anthony Mancinelli, a 107-year-old barber who works full-time cutting hair from Noon to 8pm every day.. that he’s not appearing in civil court for causing concussions and extensive cranial bleeding.

Taylor Swift appeared at the American Music Awards on Tuesday night, claiming three more to bring her lifetime total to 22 – passing Whitney Houston’s female artist record of 21, and a comfortable 22-trophy lead ahead of Mambo No. 5’s Lou Bega.

Hurricane Michael may make landfall in the Florida panhandle as a Category 4 storm, the worst to hit that area in over 100 years. “Wait, which state are we again?” asked worried residents of Mississippi.

Frontier Airlines removed a female passenger prior to a flight from Orlando to Cleveland for bringing her emotional support squirrel on board.  Several other passengers asked if they could borrow the squirrel so they, too, could get kicked off and rebooked on a better airline.

Accused sexual assailant Harvey Weinstein lost one of his defense attorneys due to an argument over the bill, proving that Weinstein is still working on understanding priorities.

A 14-year-old is suing McDonald’s for over $1 million, claiming that spilled hot water caused severe burns. McDonald’s said it was part of their free Fry-day promotion.

 

 

 

 

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‘Walking Dead’ actor Scott Wilson died, but is expected to make unbilled cameos in future episodes.

After an 11-year-long study, Candystore.com declared that Skittles are America’s favorite Halloween candy.  Kids praised Skittles for being as easy to throw at their friends’ heads as candy corn, while also being fun to actually eat.

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley resigned, saying her decision had nothing to do with her boss being laughed out of the room during Show & Tell several weeks earlier.

Tristan Thompson departed for Cleveland to join the NBA Cavaliers, while girlfriend and Baby Mama Khloe Kardashian remained in L.A. with their daughter. Kardashian insists that they’re still together; Thompson describes it as more of an 82-game break.

A 27-year-old Indian man checked into rehab for what he described as a Netflix addiction – watching 7 hours of shows every day for 6 straight months. His girlfriend called the man ‘all Netflix, no chill’.

Alex Spanos, longtime owner of the AFL/NFL San Diego (now Los Angeles) Chargers, died. Players await a decision from Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office to see if they can kneel at the funeral.

Following Taylor Swift’s Instagram post promoting voting for Democratic Party candidates in Tennessee, voter registration spiked in the state. Newly-registered 18-year-olds in Tennessee are saying they can’t wait to vote for Taylor Swift.

A rare white tiger mauled a zookeeper to death in southern Japan. The tiger had been on a steady diet of red meat, but chose that day to try Japanese.

Struggling retailer Sears announced that it’s hired a bankruptcy expert to serve the company as an independent director. The expert is a bankrupt mom who still actually shops at Sears.

A man sued Disney, saying a Disney World employee ruined his marriage proposal by forcing him to move from his spot in front of Princess Castle because a parade was starting. He allegedly grabbed the employee, leading to his arrest and removal from the park. The employee was quoted as saying “Gollll-olll-eee!”

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Social media platform Path is closed down. “Where’d everybody go?” asked the one guy on Path who didn’t work at Path.

NFL players continued to express anger at officials enforcing new rules designed for player safety.  In Sunday’s games, referees threw 11 flags for Roughing The Passer, and another four for Hurting the Passer’s Feelings.

Taylor Swift caused controversy by endorsing Tennessee Democratic Senate candidate Phil Bredesen, who’s running against Republican incumbent Marsha Blackburn. Blackburn’s spokesperson said they plan to wait until Swift breaks up with Bredesen and writes a stinging kiss-off song about him.

In London, after selling for $1.4 million at Sotheby’s auction house, a painting from street artist Banksy shredded itself.  In south Philadelphia, a velvet airbrushed painting of Eagles QB Carson Wentz sold at a gas station for $30 and was later found shredded,  but the buyer’s wife denied doing it.

Microsoft said that they have a fix for files that are being deleted when pc users update to the latest version of Windows 10. They told customers to stay on the lookout for the patch, coming soon to Windows 14.

Stormy Daniels said she bumped into former Trump attorney Michael Cohen at an airport and that Cohen “said hi”. Daniels then boarded a flight to Los Angeles and “bumped into” six or seven other guys on the set of her new project.

Brewers of deep discount swill Natural Light are issuing a limited edition 77 Pack of 12-ounce cans. They say the 77 pays homage to 1977, the year of its creation – and also to the .77 blood alcohol content you’ll have when you die trying to finish it.

The newest food and beverage craze is CBD, or cannabidol, derived from the cannabis plant. Unlike THC, CBD has no psychoactive properties, so experts predict widespread first-time usage, followed by widespread anger at CBD dealers for selling liquid oregano.

President Trump praised First Lady Melania Trump’s visit to Africa, saying that she had done “a tremendous job representing our country in Africa– like no one has before.” Critics called his statement absurd, but fact-checkers agreed with the President, saying no First Lady visiting Africa had pulled off so many photo ops and costume changes.

A VICE article highlighted the disgusting trend of human feces being left on trails at some of the U.S.’s most popular national parks — citing visible piles of human waste at California’s John Muir Trail, Washington’s Olympic National Park, and Tennessee’s Dollywood.

Australian Apple Watch users experienced a glitch when the Apple Watch repeatedly failed after Australia moved to Daylight Savings Time. Apple CEO Tim Cook said they hadn’t anticipated Apple Watch customers caring how well the device kept time.

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Barnes & Noble has signaled that it is evaluating strategic changes, including possible sale of the company. B&N executives said they only want serious buyers, not companies that just want to read the company’s financial statements and use the restroom.

JCPenney named Jill Soltau to be its new CEO; Soltau had been CEO of Joann Fabrics. JCPenney’s board of directors praised her tenure at Joann, saying it gave her experience overseeing stores that most people wouldn’t be caught dead in.

Meng Hongwei, the head of Interpol, has been reported missing after a trip to China. Interpol would look for him, but he can’t order the investigation to start since he’s missing.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Snooki says costar Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is fearful of his upcoming sentencing for tax evasion and imprisonment. So much so that Sorrentino is considering changing his nickname to The Sexual Assault Situation.

An airline passenger let her toddler daughter use her portable toilet in the aisle of the plane midflight instead of taking her to the lavatory. The mother refused to follow flight attendant instructions to move the porta-potty to the lavatory, and the toddler was arrested by air marshals for refusing to fasten her seatbelt while pooping.

Actor John Goodman appears on the cover of People magazine, which includes a story on how he’s lost over 100 pounds, not counting the 175  from losing Roseanne on his tv show.

Rhode Island state police arrested Anne Armstrong, 58, and Alan Gordon, 48 — the Compassion Party’s candidates for governor and attorney general, respectively – for possessing over 50 pounds of marijuana at their home. Cops said they don’t know about the Compassion part, but that’s more than enough for a Party.

Apple denies reports that it was a victim of spying malware on servers it acquired from Chinese supplier SuperMicro. “Those kids did nothing wrong!” said Apple CEO Tim Cook.

The Senate approved a motion to move the candidacy of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh to a full vote. “I’ll drink to that!” said Kavanaugh at 9a.m.

The Central Pacific Hurricane Center released a computer graphic of Hurricane Walaka  that looks like an erect penis. Meteorologists say it’s not a real threat to blow unless it merges with a girl hurricane.

 

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A 27-year-old Florida woman, Katherine Nieves Tavarez, was arrested for stabbing her live-in boyfriend, Amaury Vazquez Carerro, after Carrero repeatedly refused to have sex with her. “No means no!” said Carrero, which is particularly hard to do with a knife stuck in your face.

  • Asked why she stabbed her boyfriend, Tavarez said she really likes foreplay.

The FBI has reportedly completed their background investigation on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. The contents remain secret, but allegedly contain damning evidence of lost deposits on kegs and taps to multiple beer distributors in Virginia and Connecticut.

The son of convicted felon and former rap mogul Suge Knight, Suge Knight Jr., said that Tupac Shakur is alive and living in Malaysia. The younger Knight offered as proof photos of Knight posing with 50 Cent and Beyoncé. Fans and social media followers remain unconvinced, and have raised a $1 million reward to whoever can post video of Tupac ‘flossing’.

Duchess Meghan Markle said that she needs to put on a baseball cap to disguise herself before grocery shopping. “Why are you wearing a baseball cap?” asked the maid as Meghan hands her the grocery list.

The Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers announced a new wireless network standard, WiFi 6. It’s an even faster, steadier wifi stream that you can steal from the dope next door who doesn’t use a password.

A new laundry-cleaning startup, VClean, placed 200 of its vending machines in parking garages adjacent to London Underground stations. So far, the company is pleased with the response, except for all of the homeless people they’ve had to pull out of the machines.

ZipRecruiter raised $156 million in new funding. The platform, which matches job seekers with employers, claims it frees up time of human resources professionals to focus on what they do best – organizing employee cake parties, shopping, and handing out termination notices.

A black grandmother and two little girls campaigning for Texas Senate Candidate Beto O’Rourke were accosted by a white racist, who told them to “go back where they came from.” O’Rourke’s opponent, incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz, hasn’t officially commented, but said if the racist made fun of his wife’s looks, he could speak at a Cruz rally.

According to the Wall St Journal, Vice President Mike Pence will make a formal ‘rebuke’ of China, claiming that China is working to remove President Trump.  Meaning, if he’s right, a majority of 2016 U.S. voters have something in common with China.

Heart rate data from a 67-year-old San Jose woman’s Fitbit is being used to charge her 90-year-old stepfather with murder. According to the Fitbit, the woman’s heart rate reportedly spiked, then dropped to zero during the man’s visit. Later, the Fitbit told her she was getting the best sleep ever.

  • “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that meddling fitness tracker!” the man said as he was led away in handcuffs.

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Red Lobster will no longer give plastic straws to customers unless they ask. The chain said they want to do what’s right for the environment, and that too many of their less intelligent customers were suffocating trying to suck up shrimp.

Apple announced that its newest update, iOS 12.1, will add 70 new emoji — part of its ongoing mission to allow illiterate people with iPhones the ability to communicate entirely through pictures.

The NFL indefinitely suspended linebacker Mychal Hendricks, who plead guilty to charges of insider trading. No word on plans for an appeal from the NFL Players Association, who called the punishment “the smartest reason ever” for a player missing an NFL game.

Travelers entering New Zealand face a $3,200 fine if they refuse to give border agents the password to their smartphone. So far, a dozen people cooperating with the law have been jailed for having the password ‘F*CKOFF’.

The ‘Sober October’ movement is growing. Retailers are expressing concern that, without the assistance of alcohol to lower inhibitions, Halloween costumes will now have to be sluttier than ever.

Microsoft introduced new $349 Surface Headphones. Microsoft said the headphones will cancel noise, and that Microsoft will cancel support for them when they decide in a year that they don’t want to make headphones anymore.

Amazon announced the Fire Stick TV 4K – its most powerful streaming stick ever. It ships from Amazon in October, and from the guy who hacks it so you can watch bootleg cable in early November.

Sources told TMZ that newlyweds Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber don’t consider themselves truly married because they haven’t yet had a church wedding to have their love witnessed by God. In response, God said there’s no rush, that he’s fine just witnessing them having sex.

68-year-old Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly in a relationship with 21-year-old transgender woman Sophia Hutchins. Jenner offered no comment on the May/December romance, or, more specifically, the May, 1950/December, 1997 romance.

At 2:18p.m. Wednesday, FEMA will test the new Presidential Alert System, with messages sent to billions of Americans’ mobile phones. At 2:19p.m., millions of attractive young women will be asking who sent them a dick pic.