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Dr. Anthony Fauci wants the monkeypox virus to be taken more seriously. He believes the first step is calling it something much less hilarious than monkeypox.

A transgender female incarcerated at a New Jersey women’s prison was moved to a men’s facility after impregnating two female inmates. She’s also ordered to pay child support to each mother in the form of ten loose cigarettes a month.

A class action lawsuit alleges Skittles candy is “unfit for human consumption” because of heightened levels of known toxin titanium dioxide. Skittles maker Mars Candy refutes the claim, but halted the introduction of new Tropical Fruit Round-Up Skittles.

Ricky Martin denies a sexual relationship with his nephew, who was granted a restraining order against the singer. However, the nephew’s attorney provided evidence, including Martin’s new single ‘Livin La Vida Incesto’.

New reports show the U.S. Governments’ Departments of Homeland Security, Border Patrol, & Customs are acquiring and using huge amounts of location data from smartphone apps in violation of individual privacy rights. The app data also show some illegal immigrants making really good time getting from Tijuana to Dallas.

Netflix is testing a new payment plan for password sharing, which they call the Add A Home plan. Add A Home tested more favorably with consumers than their other name idea, the Just Tell Your Cheapskate Friend To Get Their Own Account plan.

The United Kingdom is facing its worst heat wave in history, with just 1% of the population owning air conditioners, and federal laws banning citizens from putting ice in their 3 o’clock tea.

Sesame Place theme park is apologizing after a viral video showed costumed character Rosita appearing to ignore two black girls asking for a hug during a parade. Going forward, Rosita will be replaced in the parade by Oscar The Grouch, who will tell all kids to get lost.

A Florida man admitted to lighting firecrackers and throwing them under the bed of a 9-year-old girl. He conceded in court it was the wrong thing to do, but said it did scare away the monsters.

Airline industry analyst Oliver Wyman’s forecasts the global pilot shortage will reach 32,000 openings in ten years. Spirit Airlines is currently conducting interviews with unemployed losers living in their parent’s basement playing Microsoft Flight Simulator.

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The National Suicide Prevention Hotline changed numbers to 988. Suicidal callers to 911 will be told they have the wrong number.

Former Victoria’s Secret models say they had to wear balloons & toys as lingerie during runway shows. They were embarrassed because the items weren’t real clothes, and creeped out by the guys who paid to attach and blow up the balloons.

Delta Air Lines bought one-hundred Boeing 737 Max passenger jets, its first purchase from Boeing in over 10 years. Delta expects the planes to be ready for cancelled flights in 2025.

Thieves stole $100 milion in jewels from an armored car en route to a trade show in Los Angeles. LAPD is currently conducting a series of search warrants on rappers’ teeth.

Golf influencer & model Paige Spiranac is Maxim Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Woman Alive. Spiranac accepted the award, saying she hasn’t felt this honored since Tiger Woods asked her to hold his putter.

Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck married in Las Vegas. Their six combined marriages put them just four punches away from a free ceremony at the Little White Wedding Chapel.

Texas House of Representatives review of the Uvalde school shooting finds ‘systemic failure’ in the police response, in their official report, entitled ‘Duh’.

Stephanie Davison of 90 Day Fiance reportedly paid $2,700 for a one-hour date with another of the show’s ‘stars’, Stephanie Matto. Davison wants to ask Matto – who sells her farts and boob sweat in jars – for “marketing tips”. Matto plans to show Davison how to Google “wholesale jars”.

Rapper Ne-Yo said his new album took four years to complete, citing the influence of the pandemic, and because he couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with COVID.

Jamie Keeton of Wisconsin broke the Guinness World Record by simultaneously suctioning 10 Coke cans to his shaved head for five seconds. He then suffered a concussion after vigorously shaking his skull in a recycling bin.

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BMW is charging $18/month to activate heated seats in its vehicles. They’re also planning to charge $20 for ventilated seats and rolling down the windows when the on-board GPS detects the vehicle at a Taco Bell drive thru.

Elon Musk’s 76-year-old father Errol confirmed he fathered a child with his 34-year-old stepdaughter. Errol Musk blamed the pregnancy on his penis’s Autopilot function.

Tom Brady said his immense wealth is the hardest thing about parenting. He said the second-hardest is his stupid f***ing kids.

Stranger Things actor Noah Schnapp confirmed in an interview that his character, Will Byers, is gay. Vecna confirmed in a different interview that he’s non-binary.

The Italian beach town of Sorrento imposed a new fine on bare chests in public. Although Good Samaritan Sorrento creeps are offering to pay the fine for women 40 & under.

Odor complaints in New York City have reached an all-time high as a result of the high heat, homeless encampments & rotting trash. Residents say it’s the first time they’ve seen rats wearing face masks and Axe body spray.

Thefts of purebred French Bulldogs have become a nationwide crime epidemic. Owners report having their dogs stolen at gunpoint. But, because they’re French, the dogs typically surrender to the kidnappers.

Uber is being sued for sexual assault by 550 women – with a cumulative average customer rating of 1.5 stars.

A South African man competing in a drinking challenge to win $12 died after downing a full bottle of Jagermeister in two minutes. So far, a dozen people on organ transplant waiting lists have passed on taking his liver.

Ivana Trump died at age 73. Eric Trump said funeral arrangements and a guest list are still pending, but he hopes the stork that carried him to her will attend.

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A gay Austraian woman claims she was sent to the hospital for having an ‘overstimulated clitoris’. She requested a second opinion, which took a while since they couldn’t get a male doctor to find it.

Khloe Kardashian confirmed that she and ex Tristan Thompson are having another baby, to be delivered via surrogate. They chose ‘surrogate’ because it’s easier than saying ‘another woman that Tristan knocked up on a road trip’.

Colorado Representative Lauren Boebert claims in a new memoir her husband was the ‘real victim’ in a case where he exposed his penis to an underage girl in a bowling alley – marking the first time an elected Congressman has written a memoir with a passage about a spouse exposing their penis to an underage girl in a bowling alley.

Delta Air Lines flew 1,000 lost bags from London’s Heathrow Airport to its hub in Detroit, Michigan as a first step toward reuniting the bags with their owners. Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the head of the baggage handlers union called 1,000 lost bags “a typical Tuesday”.

Bob Dylan is the latest artist to ban smartphones from his concerts, disappointing fans who were using their phones to look up the lyrics to Dylan’s songs because they couldn’t understand what the hell he was singing.

Viral photos show a man at a Chicago White Sox game texting an escort for sex in exchange for a $100 gift card, all while seated next to a young girl. The date turned out to be a flop, since the guy showed up with a $100 gift card from the Chicago White Sox Team Store.

A 40-year-old woman was fired from her job teaching STEM content to fifth graders after her Only Fans account was discovered. Fifth grade boys were disappointed, saying she definitely extended their STEM awareness.

A 21-year-old Brazilian woman claimed she was hospitalized with ‘trapped gas’ from holding in her farts while attending a music festival with her boyfriend. The woman is now okay, but three ER nurses were placed on ventilators after successfully treating her.

Police in a suburb of Medellin, Colombia destroyed 1.5 tons of marijuana by burning it – and engulfing the entire town in a cloud of weed smoke. Residents bombarded 911 with calls asking for directions to the Phish concert.

A 200-lb turtle was rescued after becoming stuck beneath a boardwalk at Florida’s Satellite Beach. The turtle was treated for malnourishment, and for trauma from having to watch so many gay couples go at it.

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Some North Carolina Little League baseball teams pulled out of the state championship tournament after gunshots were fired during a weekend game. One baserunner was picked off at first base.

The UK’s largest grocer, Tesco, stopped selling Heinz baked beans in a dispute over rising prices. The UK air quality index surged to its highest level in decades.

Lebron James criticized efforts to free WNBA star Britney Griner from a Russian prison. James thinks that Griner should just call a press conference to announce which city she’ll be taking her talents to.

Twitter is suing Elon Musk to force him to follow through on buying the company, utilizing a “you & 229 million other dopes broke it, you bought it” strategy.

MTV suddenly halted production on its new-cast reboot of ‘Jersey Shore’ in Atlantic City. No word was given on why, but it’s rumored that MTV discovered most of the new cast are college-educated, have jobs and are sober.

WalletHub released their list of the Most Stressed Cities in the U.S. Cleveland topped the Most Stressed list – leading new Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson to say that’s why he needs so many stress-relieving massages.

Millions of student loan borrowers were notified that their debt was transferred from Navient to new company Aidvantage. Aidvantage looks forward to never receiving their payments.

A lawyer on Tik Tok claims retail stores are using surveillance footage from self-checkout counters to frame customers for stealing. She specifically cites voice prompts that say “scan item”, then “place the item in your purse”.

Bradley Cooper is reportedly dating Hillary Clinton’s former assistant Huma Abedin. Abedin is the ex-wife of disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner, and is now the steady date of much-admired Hollywood Weiner.

Newly released video of the Uvalde school shooting shows an armed local police officer staring at his phone with a ‘Punisher’ lock screen, while inside the school, doing nothing. He later unlocks the phone and tops his personal record in Candy Crush.

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Starbucks is closing 16 stores because of employee safety concerns stemming from open drug use in the stores. Starbucks is also considering dropping the popular Mocha Fentanyl Latte from other locations.

NASA shared its first images from the James Webb Space Telescope, the largest ever built. Included were an alien planet, a galactic cluster, and a veritable who’s-who of famous women who forgot to close their curtains.

Tiger Woods ripped LIV Golf players who ‘turned their back’ on the PGA Tour and major championships in order to cash in on the Saudi-funded tour. Woods said he would never turn his back on a golf tour, only on his wife or several girlfriends.

Elon Musk said Donald Trump should “hang up his hat and sail into the sunset”. Trump angrily declined, saying he’s scared of boats.

A 23-year-old Maryland man was rescued after falling into Italy’s Mount Vesuvius volcano crater trying to retrieve the smartphone he dropped. Ancient Gods from the great beyond said he lived because you can’t sacrifice morons to the volcano.

Abbey Gile, ex-girlfriend of New York Jets QB Zach Wilson. claims Wilson cheated on her with Wilson’s mom’s best friend. Gile has already sold her screenplay “QB Bangs His Mom’s Best Friend” to be made into a Pornhub Movie Of The Week.

Ania Palus, a lawyer briefly removed from the Wimbledon Men’s Tennis final for drunk-heckling Australia’s Nick Kyrgios, said she was “supporting him”. Palus then left Wimbledon to go to a local comedy club and “support” the comedians there.

A preview of Season 2 of Hulu’s The Kardashians features Kim Kardashian asking boyfriend Pete Davidson if she wants to shower with him. Davidson replies by asking how wide the shower is.

Owners of Tony Luke’s Cheesesteaks in South Philadelphia plead guilty after being sued by the IRS for tax evasion. They also settled with the Food & Drug Administration on charges of nutrition evasion.

Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider criticized performers like Ozzy Osbourne and KISS for having multiple “farewell” tours, likening KISS not going away to holding a “fart in a paper bag”. Meanwhile KISS fans attending their Farewell Tour can pay $40 to buy Paul Stanley’s or Gene Simmons’ farts in a paper bag.

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A dead humpback whale washed ashore at a Wildwood, New Jersey beach. Lifeguards identified it after realizing it wasn’t wearing a swimsuit.

Steve Bannon told the January 6th Committee that he would testify, but that he wouldn’t shave or wash his hair.

The International Shark Attack File recorded 73 ‘unprovoked bites’ worldwide in 2021. Also recorded were 39 so-called ‘provoked bites’ – mainly to boyfriends jealous the shark was getting a little too close with their girl.

Thousands of Sri Lankans – angry at worsening economic conditions and a critical shortage of fuel – stormed the capital and forced the Prime Minister to resign. Everybody walked there.

The Federal Transportation Department told U.S. airlines to start making it easier for families to sit together at no extra charge. Spirit Airlines heeded the call and promptly introduced Family Cargo Hold Seating.

Howie Mandel posted a video of a prolapsed rectum to his Tik Tok account on Saturday night. He later removed it, but not before fellow America’s Got Talent judge Heidi Klum gave it her Golden Buzzer.

The nation’s only retailer for unclaimed airline luggage – Greenpoint Terminal Market – will host a silent auction for a suitcase containing 10 luxury items including Apple Airpods, designer sunglasses & clothing. If it’s a success, the next auction will feature a suitcase full of cocaine.

The Food & Drug Administration received its first application for a non-prescription, over-the-counter birth control pill, that men can buy as a birthday gift for their girlfriends.

After two months missing, it was confirmed that a South Carolina man died after falling into a shredder at a plastic bottle recycling plant where he worked. Forensics experts made the discovery after taking a DNA sample from a fleece hoodie.

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 38th birthday at an island getaway with her extended family, calling it Kamp Koko. However, she’s having her nieces & nephews Kamp Koko Kids t-shirts reprinted with a different name.

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Philadelphia International Airport will receive $1 billion in federal funding, some of which will be used to upgrade bathrooms, to include balloon-filling stations and wider, more romantic stalls.

A new study finds that the missionary position is the best for achieving female orgasms…unless you’re a lesbian or a woman who takes longer than 90 seconds to achieve orgasm.

University of Pennsylvania researchers have developed tiny robots capable of brushing and flossing teeth. The robots took years to develop, since many of them died of heart failure consuming cheesesteak particles.

Japanese researchers developed electric chopsticks capable of enhancing the salt flavor in foods when touched to the tongue, helping those on low-sodium diets. American researchers gave up and asked for an electric salt-enhancing fork.

Stealthing – secretly removing a condom during intercourse – is still legal in Australia. Women are advocating for new laws to keep men from throwing their unprotected shrimp in the barbie.

Global monkeypox cases rose 77% in a week, according to the World Health Organization, who cited expanded global travel, and Carnival’s High Seas Sex With Monkeys cruises.

The manager of Morton’s Steakhouse in Washington DC criticized protesters who’d gathered outside the restaurant when they found out Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was there. The manager reaffirmed Kananaugh’s right to eat in peace and pay $20 for a baked potato.

Ruja Ignatova, a woman who defrauded investors out of $4 billion by creating a fake cryptocurrency called OneCoin, was added to the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List. Ignatova had offered to reimburse victims by paying them in TwoCoin.

Kim Kardashian and daughter North West received a private tour of the Louvre in Paris, spending several hours before realizing Dogs Playing Poker isn’t there.

Brad Pitt said he suffers from ‘facial blindness’, a condition where he struggles to remember people’s faces. Several of his one-night stands claim they, too, experienced facial blindness, but different from what he has.

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Ariel the Mermaid lost part of her seashell bra during a Disney World Parade. Sebastian the Crab serenaded the crowd with ‘Under The Sea’ as she looked to cover up Over The C’s.

A 7-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero for performing the Heimlich maneuver on a classmate choking on pizza in the school cafeteria. He then punched the same kid for refusing to trade his chocolate pudding for Fritos.

Georgia Tik Tok influencer Kylie Strickland is being investigated for flashing her breasts at two small boys at a swimming pool during a livestream. The boys remained in the pool for several uncomfortable minutes.

Unconfirmed reports state U.S. representatives are working on a prisoner swap, with WNBA star Britney Griner returning to the States in exchange for a Russian arms dealer, future considerations, and a scumbag to be named later.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson resigned amidst multiple scandals including parties during COVID lockdown and failure to act on sexual misconduct perpetrated by one of his allies. The good news is, his awful behavior has earned him reality show offers from three U.S. cable channels.

Apple plans to launch an Extreme Sports edition Apple Watch, with a metal casing & larger screen, designed to withstand the toughest afternoons lying on your couch.

Viral video showed a teleprompter on stage during Motley Crue’s set during their U.S. Stadium Tour, reminding Vince Neil of song lyrics he can’t sing anyway.

The NFL’s hearings regarding alleged sexual misconduct by Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson concluded after three days. Any decision regarding suspensions or disciplinary action will be delayed while everyone unwinds with a relaxing massage.

Kim Kardashian spoke to Allure magazine, telling an interviewer what she has, and hasn’t, put in her face on the day of the interview. She admitted to having a small amount of Botox and a larger amount of Pete Davidson.

Kazuki Takahashi, creator of the hit TV series and trading card game Yu-Gi-Oh, passed away at age 60. Said mourners, “Yu-Gi-Oh no”.

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Uvalde, Texas School District Police Chief Pete Arredondo resigned his position on City Council. He’s on leave from the police force and considering joining the SWAT team – which, in his case, is Stand Watching Additional Tragedies.

The Hard Rock Hotel in Atlantic City, New Jersey settled on a new deal with striking casino workers. Unfortunately the union placed all their new wages & benefits on red and lost it.

The restaurants replacing McDonald’s in Russia opened under their new name Vkusno – I Tochka, which translates to “Tasty..and That’s It..and the McFlurry machine is still broken.”

A Long Island, NY beach lifeguard who was mimicking a distressed swimmer during a training exercise was bitten by a shark. The shark was unavailable for a follow-up training exercise because he’s working at two different beaches.

People on social media say anchovies are falling from the sky in San Francisco, as a result of birds carrying them to their nests and dropping them. That, and the hatchlings tossing them out of the tree because they don’t want to eat them either.

Carson Pickett, born with only a stump below her left elbow, became the first player with a limb difference to enter a game for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. She was rewarded for her skill, and for being 50% less likely to be called for a hand ball.

A fan at an Eagles concert in the U.K. brawled with security as the rock band played their 70s hit ‘Take It Easy’. Guards pummeled the desperado until he came to his senses.

The CDC is investigating a deadly listeria outbreak linked to Big Olaf Creamery ice cream, which is sold only in Florida. One person died, 22 were sickened, and several kids avoided illness by letting it melt down their arm before parents angrily threw the cone away.

Subway sandwich shops are relaunching with the most aggressive menu makeover in their 60-year history. Customers will now be able to create their own custom sandwiches with a barely detectable layer of meat on them.

A Broward County, Florida man blew his hand off in a fireworks accident. The hand was then successfully attached to an alligator’s stomach.