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The bodies of two missing climbers from Iceland have been discovered in a Himalayan glacier, 30 years after they disappeared.  “Those guys haven’t aged a bit!” said several mourners at their funeral.

  • Their families expressed gratitude at finally having closure, but disappointment that the climbers forfeited the deposit on the tent they rented.

The publisher of National Enquirer struck a deal to provide evidence that they buried negative stories about Donald Trump during his run for President. Their lawyers are still working on a settlement in the libel lawsuit brought by the half-man/half-lizard they put on the cover instead.

Lily, a Sesame Street character first introduced as being “food insecure” for not getting enough to eat, is now also the first Muppet on the show to experience homelessness. Begging the question “If that’s true, what the f**k does Mr. Snuffleupagus live in?”

  • Lily is seven years old, has bright pink skin, and red dreadlocks. So things were already pretty damned tough for her.
  • The story of how Lily’s family became homeless remains unclear, only that her dad owes a ton of money to Big Bird.

Melania Trump debuted a new blond look on Fox News. Melania now goes by Stormy Knaus.

A 31-year-old Florida woman on a first date died after falling off the back of a man’s motorcycle on her ride home, then being run over several times on a highway. The man never returned to the scene of the accident, although he did show up at the funeral to see if she has a cute sister. [h/t to Don M!!]

Old Bay seasoning is suing a spice manufacturer over the name of their product, ‘New Bae’. Lawyers for New Bae say they aren’t real competition for Old Bay, because once men & women get New Bae on their tongue, they’re pretty tired of it.

Danielle Goldsmith, a former NFL cheerleader, diagnosed her own rare medical condition – pectus excavatum, a sunken sternum that can inhibit breathing – after multiple doctors dismissed her chest pain and shortness of breath as ‘anxiety’. She urged other women seeking medical advice to “be aggressive..be, be aggressive!!”

A leaked Google memo advises staff not to give gifts like logo shirts to “temps, vendors & contractors (TVCs)”, because they don’t want TVCs to feel like they’re full-time employees. The memo goes on to say that if TVCs sexually harass women, they’re to be fired, instead of getting a 7-figure severance & going-away party of a full-timer.

A 57-year-old Washington man was sentenced to nine months in jail after police found his remote treehouse that had framed images of child pornography on the walls. He’s already received four offers for the place from Tiny House enthusiasts with money to redecorate.

“Ghosting” is now happening more frequently in the workplace, as employees simply leave for a new job without notifying their employees or coworkers. Human Resources workers are frustrated and worried that they’ll be phased out now that employees can just fire themselves.

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Google CEO Sundar Pichai testified before Congress regarding anti-conservative bias in search engine results. A Democratic congresswoman asked Pichai why an image search of the word “idiot” returned pictures of Trump. Pichai replied “because it works”.

British lawmakers will vote on whether to remove Prime Minister Theresa May over her handling of the United Kingdom’s’ exit from the European Union. Members will vote “Theresa May” or “Theresa May Not”.

Elizabeth Rowe, principal flutist for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, is suing for a pay raise because she makes $70,000 less than the principal oboist, who is male. The BSO defended the salaries, saying the oboe is a more difficult instrument to play, and that, frankly, they expected a woman playing the flute to look a lot sexier.

President Trump promised to shut down the government if he doesn’t receive $5 billion in funding for a wall on the U.S.-Mexico border. “I will take the mantle of shutting it down” he said — frustrating Democrats, but subtly impressing them with his correct use of the phrase ‘take the mantle’.

After Nick Ayers turned down an offer to be President Trump’s Chief of Staff, Trump blasted the ‘fake news’ for saying he’s having trouble filling the position. Trump then threatened to shut down the government unless they approved funding a game show for a C-list celebrity to win the job.

U.S. health officials named Fentanyl as the country’s deadliest drug based on overdoses recorded in 2016, surpassing Heroin, which was deadliest from 2012-2015. Cocaine was third, and Meth dropped to fourth. Meth responded by firing its head coach.

The U.S. Geological Survey recorded a magnitude 4.4 earthquake in parts of Tennessee and Georgia. Officials acknowledged the quake was likely stronger, but residents of Tennessee and Georgia wouldn’t really understand numbers higher than 4.

Gisele Bundchen was asked on Ellen Degeneres’ show if she wants her husband, Tom Brady, to retire. Bundchen said she wants Brady to do “whatever makes him happy”. So look for Brady to continue whining and deflating footballs.

Kathie Lee Gifford announced that she’s leaving The Today Show in April. Her spot is expected to be filled by former First Daughter Jenna Bush Hager, delighting NBC executives who were concerned about finding someone that stay-at-home moms kinda knew, that had no discernible talent.

Facebook headquarters were temporarily evacuated Tuesday evening after receiving a bomb threat.  Employees returned to their desks and spent a few extra minutes marking themselves ‘safe’.

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A 9-year-old girl in Ontario, Canada called 911 because she was angry that her parents had told her to clean her room. Police reiterated the importance of only calling 911 in an emergency, so the girl shot her parents in the leg and called them back.

A 29-year-old Summerville, South Carolina man was arrested for lighting fire to his neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations. He was charged with arson. Frosty was pronounced dead at the scene.

Kendall Jenner shared a photo via Instagram of a handwritten love letter she’d received, with the signature of its writer blacked out. Stalkers expressed their frustration at having to practice cursive to get noticed.

Sully, the service dog of deceased President George H.W. Bush, posed on the red carpet for CNN’s ‘Tribute To Heroes’ event in New York City. Sully took photos with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, then grabbed champagne and Milk Bones for a limo ride with several bitches.

Andrew Slavonic, a 101-year-old World War II veteran, credited drinking Coors Light beer every day for his long life. Miller Coors brewery then gave him a fridge stocked with Coors Light and a trip to see the brewery in Colorado – which Slavonic intends to take after he’s finished his fourth liver transplant.

Arizona parents attending a school play, ‘The Foreigner’, at ASU Preparatory Academy, were shocked that several students portrayed Ku Klux Klan members in full white robes. The students wearing the robes were just as shocked at how easy it was to find their costumes for the school play.

Instagram is rolling out ‘walkie-talkie’ voice messaging. Users can record a message up to one minute long, or as long as it takes to say “show me your tits”.

A Mississippi man who used a front-end loader to ram vehicles in a Walmart parking lot because he thought zombies were chasing him has been sentenced to 15 years in prison. The sentencing judge also told Walmart not to have its elderly greeters follow customers in the parking lot.

Researchers from New York University conclude that women are still seen as inferior to men when it comes to completing highly intellectual tasks. Dr. Andrei Cimpian, lead author of the study, published his results in the journal American Psychologist, just as soon as he found a girl to type it up for him.

Vitaminwater is looking for a person willing to give up all smartphone use for a year in exchange for $100,000. To be chosen, entrants must say what their plans are for the year without a phone. So far, entrants have shared plans ranging from “sleeping on vents in the sidewalk” to “remaining in a coma”.

 

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President Trump handled the coin toss at the annual Army/Navy football game. “Heads is Stalin, tails is the hammer & sickle” he said.

Nick Ayers, chief of staff for Vice President Mike Pence, declined to take the chief of staff role for Trump. Ayers was asked why he doesn’t want to work for the President; he replied that he will be working for the President once the Mueller probe wraps up.

A study of rats that had their uterus removed showed they had increased difficulty with cognitive function. The barren females had trouble completing difficult tasks since they were constantly being approached for casual sex by male rats that don’t want a family.

A man on an Orlando to Philadelphia flight gave up his first class seat so a woman with a sick baby could move up from coach. The woman couldn’t properly thank the man, so she took to Facebook to try and find him. The person with the first class seat adjacent to the sick baby also wants to find the man, to punch him.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones dismissed reports that he’s attempted to lure Jason Witten out of the ESPN Monday Night Football booth and back on to his former team. Fans who watch Monday night games and hear Witten encouraged Jones to keep trying.

The Miami Dolphins completed an improbable victory over the New England Patriots with a game-ending triple-lateral play resulting in a touchdown.  The Patriots thought Roughing the Passer should have been called, since Tom Brady’s feelings were hurt.

Nicki Minaj is reportedly dating Kenneth ‘Zoo’ Perry, a 40-year-old unmarried father of five who’s a registered sex offender in the state of New York. Minaj wanted to prove to other single women that not all of the good ones are taken.

Actor Kirk Douglas celebrated his 102nd birthday this week, beginning shooting on a new romantic comedy where a hot 29-year-old woman finds him irresistible for some reason.

Dentists are letting some patients wear virtual reality headsets while having work done in order to help them remain calm. The patients enjoy watching scenes that relax them, and the dentists enjoy doing root canals and fillings while nude.

Verizon announced 10,400 employees are voluntarily taking buyouts and leaving the company. “Can you hear me now? Okay, I quit” said 10,400 people.

 

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Dog the Bounty Hunter is being investigated for an assault at a Colorado airport after a man accused him of shoving his son.

  • A judge ordered Dog to return to Colorado, and to heel.
  • The son was recorded telling Dog to “suck my d*ck”, but Dog refused since there wasn’t any peanut butter on it.

President George H.W. Bush was laid to rest behind his presidential library in College Station, Texas, following a Union Pacific train ride from his family funeral in Houston. Pallbearers took a few extra minutes removing coal dust from the casket since the family only paid for a freight car.

Kevin Hart announced that he was hosting the Academy Awards, then stepped down after complaints circulated about his past remarks concerning gays. The Academy is being urged to hire a gay person to host, so they announced Hugh Jackman without asking him first.

Amazon Go is considering putting checkout-free stores in airports.  The move was hailed by Air Marshals, who say they’re bored and would welcome the chance to arrest travelers who boost $5 bags of M&Ms and run.

A Kentucky man was sentenced to five years in prison for putting glass shards into shipments of plastic cups used at fast food restaurants. It took a while for him to get caught, since diners at Arby’s and Taco Bell assumed bleeding in their mouth was just a usual reaction to the food.

The new XFL plans to introduce some new rules, including a running clock to speed up games and payments to players in a new cryptocurrency that no one understands to stave off their inevitable bankruptcy.

Marvel released the official trailer for Avengers 4 and, with it, the official name of the film: Avengers: Endgame. They then issued the official trailer for Avengers: Endgame’s end-credits Easter Egg, to be called Avengers: End of Endgame.

Mastanamma, an Indian woman from New Delhi who became a YouTube sensation at age 105 for her cooking videos, died at age 107. Her family is having a post-funeral meal catered by McDonald’s since they’re all sick of Indian food.

Walmart announced it’s putting robotic floor scrubbers in 360 of its stores by the end of the year.  So far, the experiment has yielded mixed results, with many of the robots missing time taking smoking breaks and going to doctor visits to monitor out-of-wedlock pregnancies.

Infant ibuprofen sold at drug store chains is being recalled for having higher concentrations of the drug than advertised. “Shit, I kinda liked it” said babies having particularly tough days.

 

 

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A New Jersey couple is suing Sandals resorts for $30 million, claiming that the night before their 2016 wedding, a butler for their suite came in and molested the bride. Sandals plans to vigorously defend against the action, saying their resorts are really all-inclusive.

At the Miss BumBum pageant in Brazil – where thong-bikini-wearing women compete for the best naturally curvy buttocks – the runner-up attacked the winner, saying she used fake butt implants. Pageant organizers disagreed, saying all contestants are x-ray’d and their stool samples are analyzed for traces of bath caulk.

A woman in Brazil is believed to be the first ever to give birth to a healthy baby after getting a uterus transplanted from a deceased donor. The father of the newborn said that, for him, the hardest part was impregnating the corpse.

SpaceX shared video of its Falcon 9 rocket booster splashing down in the ocean instead of making a dry landing at Cape Canaveral. CEO Elon Musk said that, despite the error, the rocket appears to be okay, and that he’s pretty sure the chimps who piloted it can swim.

The father of a 10-year-old Ohio girl – after hearing she bullied classmates – made her walk five miles to school while he followed in a car. The father said he wanted to teach her a lesson, although the girl said the road work gave her increased stamina for future bullying.

Amazon is reportedly crowdsourcing answers to the most difficult questions posed to its ‘Alexa’ voice assistant. Participation is invitation-only. and limited to the first 1,000 women who can articulately describe the location of the G-spot and clitoris, respectively.

Embattled cinema-ticket subscription service Moviepass unveiled a complex, multi-tiered pricing scheme. The choices range from $10/month for non-opening weekend films, to $20/month for IMAX & 3D showings, and a ‘Pay As You Go Like Everybody Else Cause We’ll Be Out of Business by Summer Anyway’ tier.

Researchers claim to have taken the first steps toward a blood test that can determine the presence of any cancer in your body in 10 minutes. The test is reportedly 90% accurate, a percentage criticized as too low by dogs who sniff for cancer in your colon or vagina.

A former Kellogg employee faces three years in prison for urinating on a breakfast cereal conveyor belt in the factory where he worked. He pleaded guilty to tampering with consumer products. Reached for comment about the cereal incident, a Kellogg’s spokesman said “Theyyrrrre NOT great!”

Apple released an update to watchOS, making the Apple Watch’s electrocardiogram & irregular heart rate notification features available today.  User reactions range from “Cool!” to “Uh oh”.

 

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CIA director Gina Haspel briefed Congress on the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, leading some lawmakers to say they had no doubt the killing happened with the knowledge of Saudi crown prince Muhammad bin Salman. President Trump, who saw the same information, likes bin Salman’s evil twin, Floyd, for the crime.

The Secret Service is testing a facial recognition surveillance system outside the White House. Right now it only recognizes ‘Orange’ and ‘Everybody Else’.

A Phoenix man claims that someone hacked into his Nest security camera and used it to talk to him. The hacker asked when his wife was getting dressed for work.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller recommended leniency for former national security adviser Michael Flynn, based on what Mueller’s team called Flynn’s ‘substantial contributions’ to the investigation. Mueller’s team added they don’t know who else will be able to do as good as Flynn fetching coffee.

A Hollywood Reporter article states that nobody wants to host the 91st Academy Awards. Jimmy Fallon offered to do it, but the Academy said the show is already too long before adding 90 minutes of sing-alongs and party games.

Married rappers Cardi B and Offset announced they’re splitting up. They’ll share custody of the jewelry.

Snowboard gold medalist Shaun White, riding in first class on a recent flight, posted an Instagram video shaming a passenger behind him with their bare feet resting on the back of his seat. White asked followers to tag someone who would likely do this, then sexually harassed the passenger for the remainder of the flight.

Crowdsourcing advice site Quora announced a security breach. Worse, the top-rated Quora Expert response to “How do I protect my information?” was “Send your social security number and date of birth to this email address….”

Kanye West apologized after being called out on Twitter for staring at his cell phone during the Broadway premiere of ‘The Cher Show’. West was chastised by the actor playing Sonny Bono, who was upset Kanye missed ‘Sonny’s’ big scene skiing into a tree and dying.

A Quicken survey of 1,000 married couples’ Christmas shopping behavior found that 1 in 5 forgot to buy their spouse a Christmas gift. Those people were then added to next year’s Quicken survey of 1,000 divorced couples’ Christmas shopping behavior.

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Amazon is testing its cashierless checkout technology in larger stores. To do so, they’re looking to hire the world’s most expert shoplifters, so they’re planning a job fair in Philadelphia. 

Walmart says they’re equipping sales associates with an in-store tool that allows brick & mortar customers to complete online orders. Walmart is calling the tool an “iPad”. 

Apple released its Best Of 2018 apps list. Topping the list for iPad, ‘Froggipedia’, a virtual reality app that lets you dissect a frog without killing an actual frog. Runner-up was Brassiereipedia, that lets geeks experience the removal of a woman’s bra.

Samsung announced their plans to introduce a 5G smartphone, costing around $2Gs. 

American Airlines used video footage from O’Hare Airport to refute a claim that they abandoned an elderly woman in a wheelchair alone at midnight after her flight was cancelled. American’s record of successfully defending passenger abuse claims improves to 1-for-2,000.

Eight brands of dry dog food have been recalled for excessive levels of Vitamin D, which can cause vomiting and weight loss. Eight other brands were recalled for excess Vitamin E, which can cause uncontrolled surges in your dog’s sex drive on your leg. 

December 4th marks National Cookie Day. The following Tuesday, December 11th, marks National Stale Cookie Day. 

A 300-pound-woman in Erie, PA faces up to 36 years in prison for a murderous attack on her 120-pound boyfriend that involved sitting on him. CSIs said that when they arrived at the crime scene, the victim’s face and skull were unrecognizable. 

Wikipedia is taking steps to curb what it calls ‘rogue edits’ – including one where the photo accompanying Donald Trump’s biography was changed to a penis. Their first corrective step is removing Melania Trump’s editor privileges. 

Burger King is offering 1-cent Whoppers to its mobile app customers, provided they do so while standing within 600 feet of a McDonald’s location. Customers are thrilled that they can save money while getting McDonald’s fries with their discount Whopper, and not BK’s lousy ones. 

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Pokemon GO developer Niantic announced it’s bringing much-awaited player-vs-player battles to the game — and, in the process, delighting 40-year-olds dying to fight 9-year-olds. 

A patent application has been filed for a women’s bra that opens by clapping. The inventor advises against wearing it to indoor sporting events or your child’s school play.

A magnitude 7.0 earthquake struck off the coast of Anchorage, Alaska, causing officials to issue a tsunami warning for Alaska’s coast. Those officials were also hoping that Inuits know what “tsunami” means. 

All-Christmas station WDOK 102.1 Cleveland, pulled the Dean Martin version of ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ for its dated, predatory overtones in the #metoo era. WDOK also banned a newer holiday song ‘Have Sex With Me And I’ll Get You Out of Cleveland’. 

A photo of deceased President George Bush’s service dog, Sully, lying in front of his casket has gone viral. Sully is expected to attend Bush’s funeral, accompanied by a security detail of four Secret Service Dogs.

Michelle Obama postponed appearances in support of her book tour so that she can attend President Bush’s funeral. Oprah also paid tribute, expanding her annual Favorite Things list to include “not being dead”.

Kelsey McCarter, wife of a Tennessee high-school football coach, is seeking dismissal of sexual assault charges from a 14-year-old player who moved in with them. She claims the sex was consensual, and that the boy looked forward to two-a-day drills. 

Viewers of the live stream of Global Citizen Festival – a benefit concert in South Africa – were disappointed when Beyonce cut off video of her headlining set after 25 minutes. “This got me so crazy right now” said angry fans. 

Google has started rolling out transcriptions for their Call Screening service – which answers calls for Google’s Pixel phone users and sends them a text of the message.  So far, the most popular messages from screened calls are “When are you coming for Christmas?” and “Quick, call us with your social security number.”

The China premiere of U.S. movie hit ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ flopped at the box office, taking in a meager $1.2 million. Topping the box office with $150 million in ticket sales: ‘Crazy Poor Americans’. 

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16 U.S. Postal Service workers were sentenced to prison for assisting drug traffickers by delivering packages containing cocaine on their routes. The scheme was discovered when cocaine was repeatedly delivered to the wrong houses. 

A new study of cognitive behavior published in the journal Learning & Behavior concludes that dogs aren’t as smart as humans think. The study covered spatial/physical/social/sensory cognition and found that all of that doesn’t outweigh eating from the cat’s litter box. 

McDonald’s is disputing London Metropolitan University’s test that every ordering touch-screen it swabbed in U.K. restaurants tested positive for fecal matter. McDonald’s is not, however, disputing that the same results were found in the food. 

Google CEO Sundar Pichai will appear before Congress to answer questions about anti-conservative bias in their filtering of news and search results. Congressmen will have the choice of beginning their questions with Mr. Pichai or Hey, Google. 

Marriott revealed a data breach, exposing the personal information of about 500 million guests, including credit information. A similar breach was revealed for Motel 6 customers, but their credit is so bad the hackers can’t do anything with it. 

Democrats plan to investigate the Trump Company’s plan to give Vladimir Putin a $50 million penthouse atop a proposed Trump Tower in Moscow. They also plan to investigate why the layout called for 10′ x 10′ floor-mounted urinals next to the bed. 

Billionaire Richard Branson is funding an expedition to determine what’s at the bottom of Belize’s Great Blue Hole – a giant ocean cavern 125 meters deep – believed to be the world’s largest repository of scuba diver’s lost GoPros and car keys.

In Philadelphia, a woman denied beer because she lacked the money ignited hairspray and used it as a flamethrower toward the cashier. No one was injured, and the owner extinguished the burning Busch. 

University of Wisconsin – LaCrosse Chancellor Joe Gow angered school officials, using $5,000 from the school to pay porn actress Nina Hartley for a lecture. 72 students attended the lecture; fewer students attended 30-minute meet-and-greets costing $250. 

Fox News hosts apologized for a Fox & Friends segment where Kid Rock called comedian Joy Behar a ‘bitch’. Vegas bookmakers then placed even-money odds on the Behar/Rock rap battle to settle the beef.