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Actor Hugh Jackman warned the public of the dangers of skin cancer after undergoing a procedure to remove cancerous lesions. He said to wear sunscreen, but make sure you remove your Wolverine claws before putting it on.

Donald Trump told a crowd of dopes at Mar a Lago that the only crime he ever committed is fearlessly defending the U.S. from those who seek to destroy it – reinforcing the notion that Trump doesn’t even know what “crime” means.

Pornhub users searched “Stormy Daniels” over 650,000 times on Tuesday – and if you push away the other stuff, you can see the smile all over her face.

Viral video confirmed a rumor that Taylor Swift is secretly transported to the stage of her Eras Tour hidden in a janitor’s cart. A new rumor started that her dancers now stand further away on stage because she reeks of Pine Sol.

Businesses and influencers are angry that 22,000 job cuts at Facebook & Instagram “gutted” the customer service department. Reached for comment, Mark Zuckerberg said “wait, we had a customer service department??”

Tiger Woods appeared at The Masters, but said he doesn’t know “how many more I have in me”. Hostesses at Augusta-area restaurants also aren’t sure how many more times they can have Woods in them.

Brandon Johnson will be the next Mayor of Chicago, after winning a runoff election with Paul Vallas. Johnson took 20 minutes at his victory celebration stopping supporters from yelling ‘Let’s Go Brandon’.

Website Nameberry says “old money” baby names are trending – like Antigone, Emeline & Pandora for girls and Alistair, Piers & Sumner for boys. Coincidentally, “old money” names are projected to be “new bullying victim” names in about eight years.

Actress Kaley Cuoco gave birth to a daughter, Matilda, 9 months after a big bang with boyfriend Tom Pelphrey.

Kim Kardashian took her family on a vacation to Japan, spending countless hours fielding questions from her children on why everyone’s butt is so flat there.

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A rebuilt section of the famous Wildwood, New Jersey boardwalk reopened ahead of schedule. Business resumed beneath the boardwalk for the first time in over a year for Wildwood drug dealers and prostitutes.

Donald Trump is scheduled for court proceedings today in New York. His lawyers had to spend extra time explaining to him that arraignment still happens when it’s sunny.

Taylor Swift fans say the t-shirts and hoodies sold at her Eras Tour are of poor quality and fade after washing. Swift’s team said they’ll replace the merchandise, and she’ll write each person a song anonymously shaming them for complaining.

James Gunn, CEO of DC Comics movie division, said he believes “superhero fatigue” is real, with audiences tiring of big-budget special effects blockbusters. Gunn spoke on the set of the upcoming SuperFriends Spring Break.

Wichita, Kansas was named the Allergy Capital of the U.S. by the Asthma & Allergy Foundation – worst in the nation for allergy sufferers. Wichita’s mayor criticized the findings, saying tornados come along frequently enough to blow away allergens.

Brooke Shields said in a new documentary that she ran naked from the room after losing her virginity to actor Dean Cain. She described the sex as “not super…man”.

A time capsule buried on San Francisco’s highest peak was unearthed after 90 years and contained several surprises – the biggest surprise being, there wasn’t really anything gay in it.

The owner of a ramen shop in Japan is banning smartphone use in order to speed up seating times. Although the last fifty people he texted to tell them their table was ready never answered.

Kid Rock protested Anheuser-Busch’s marketing partnership with a transgender influencer by shooting cans of Bud Light with an assault rifle. Rock promises his next tour will be sponsored by a beverage that no LGBTQ people drink: White Claw.

SNL Weekend Update co-host Michael Che pranked Colin Jost by telling the audience not to laugh at his jokes, in what’s being called the easiest prank ever pulled anywhere.

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A Wendy’s customer in Louisiana is suing after contracting e.coli, septic shock and internal hemorrhaging after eating a cheeseburger. Then, a different customer was sickened ordering the Son Of Contaminated Cheeseburger meal.

A lesbian got engaged to her favorite high school teacher ten years after graduating. The teacher named her former student to the on-her roll.

McDonald’s is temporarily closing its Illinois headquarters building as it prepares to announce layoffs, and to add a drive-thru where workers can pick up their personal belongings.

A New York City man was arrested in a string of drugging men at gay bars, before they could go home with a guy and drug each other.

25 train cars derailed in Montana. Officials are relieved that no toxic chemicals were spilled from the cars, just people.

Starbucks customers are reportedly complaining of stomach issues after drinking their new olive oil infused coffees. They are also complaining of pants issues.

Asa Hutchinson announced he’s running for President in 2024. He’s kicking off his presidential campaign right after he completes a campaign to remind everyone who the hell Asa Hutchinson is.

A new poll states a third of U.S. workers would take a pay cut if they could be allergy-free for a year. Several U.S. companies responded by cutting pay 30% and opening an all-you-can-eat Benadryl station in the company cafeteria.

UFC and WWE are merging. UFC is pleased to announce that, starting with UFC 287 on April 8th, fighters are allowed to use folding chairs.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested after breaking in to a diner at 4a.m., eating a cheesecake and a prime rib roast, then breaking in to an Adult World porn shop at 6a.m. The man told cops he just wanted dinner and a movie. [story h/t to J.O.!]

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Pope Francis is set to leave the hospital after inpatient treatment of bronchitis. He had a final dinner of pizza delivered by a naked teenage boy.

Oscar Pistorius was denied parole by a South African court. He can reapply in another year, and until then will be impatiently tapping his shins.

New research suggests Tyrannosaurus Rex had lips over its teeth. Unfortunately for females, their arms were too short to apply lipstick. [Story h/t to E.T.]

A Duke University professor wants to enact legislation prohibiting companies from intruding on the human brain’s function. Except for residents of the southern U.S., who don’t have anything to worry about.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled a popular hoverboard, the Jetson Rogue, for fire risk that caused two deaths, and for injuries to a middle-aged man yelling “Jane, stop this crazy thing!!”.

March 30th is “Ivy Day” – when Ivy League colleges issue acceptance to prospective incoming freshmen. March 31st is “Safety School Day” for obvious reasons.

Donald Trump was indicted by a Manhattan grand jury on more than 30 counts of business fraud. He still faces potential legal action for inciting the January 6th riot, misuse of classified documents, and lying about his height, weight and genitals on 30 different dating sites.

Coca Cola Company is planning to introduce a “bolder, fruitier-tasting” Fanta Orange soda. They reformulated after consumer taste testing on college campuses, food fairs, and the Gathering Of The Juggalos so Coke execs could see some boobs.

A TikTok’er explained why he took a smiling selfie video at a Starbucks where a man lay stabbed to death on the floor. It took two-minutes for him to say “views”.

Coverage of The Masters on streaming platforms will have “digital commentary generated by artificial intelligence”. The comments will include yardage, club selection, difficulty, and which female spectator Tiger Woods will take a run at.

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Harvard researchers say the phrase “How are you?” kills small talk. Although they admit it probably grew in popularity because it works so well getting people to stop talking.

Skeletal remains found in the receding Lake Mead near Las Vegas were identified as a man who disappeared 50 years ago. His death was ruled an accidental drowning while trying out his new concrete scuba gear.

New artificial intelligence-powered glasses project conversation suggestions on the lenses based on what another person just said. It can handle every phrase except “take off those stupid looking glasses”.

Anna Craming, 20, a tournament-caliber chess player who streams games online, said she frequently receives unwelcome remarks from men during matches. The men deny the allegations, saying they were just excited about taking the queen.

Tennis great Boris Becker was released from prison following an 8 1/2 month stint for fraud. He said he was almost killed when he attempted to befriend a fellow prisoner who he thought was a kindred spirit because he was in prison for racketeering.

Rapper Tory Lanez asked a judge to overturn his conviction for shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot, saying the jury was wrongly influenced by a photo of him holding a gun, and by the fact that he shot Megan Thee Stallion in the foot.

Khloe Kardashian answered a fan on social media who asked her if, following plastic surgery, she “missed her old face”. Khloe replied “which one?”.

A women’s water polo player was accused of inappropriate touching during a match. She defended her action, saying the top of the opponent’s suit was the same color as the ball.

70 hippos kept on a compound owned by convicted drug kingpin Pablo Escobar will cost the Colombian government $3.5 million to relocate. They’ll also need a food budget since they can no longer eat Escobar’s drug-trafficking rivals.

Congressmen from New York and Kentucky got in a shouting match after Wednesday’s session over their differences on proposed assault weapons bans. The Kentucky congressman challenged the New Yorker to pistols at ten paces.

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Stormy Daniels will host a Q&A session on her OnlyFans account as rumors circulate about a possible indictment of Donald Trump. It’s the first public interview from a woman discussing sex with a president since before Betty Ford sobered up.

“Dumb” phones are growing in popularity in the U.S., as Gen Z users seek to limit screen time. Dumb phones are defined by Gen Z as phones that don’t manage apps, or as any smartphone in the hands of a boomer.

Finnish design company Woodio introduced the first flushable toilet made entirely of wood chips. They say the wood reduces harmful emissions generated by plastic or ceramic toilets, but so far, users don’t like having to clean the inside with sandpaper.

Elon Musk said artificial intelligence poses a ‘profound risk to society and humanity’ – mostly because ChatGPT is too smart to pay $7 a month for Twitter Blue.

Taylor Swift accepted the Innovator Award at the annual iHeartRadio Awards in Los Angeles, as radio stations honored her unique ability to turn getting dumped into hundreds of songs.

Actress Melissa Joan Hart, a Nashville resident, helped elementary school students flee the scene of the deadly Covenant School shooting. She titled the video Clarissa Explains It All Except for How a Mentally Ill Person Legally Bought Assault Weapons.

Foot Locker is closing 400 stores. Workers are being told to turn in their uniforms, or keep them and referee their kids peewee basketball games.

A Dutch sperm donor who’s fathered 550 children is being sued for increasing the risk of incest and exceeding the allowable number of children created with his sperm. He’s fighting the suit, saying he needs the money for surgeries to his right shoulder, elbow and wrist.

A new Army program gives underperforming recuits 90 days of fitness training before sending them off to basic training. Although many female recruits are dropping out after 89 days once they fit into their bridesmaid dress for a spring wedding.

Florida high school teacher Shavon Pearson was arrested for waving a gun at another motorist during a traffic dispute, then was also charged for trafficking fentanyl. In other news, a dozen of her students were hospitalized following Chemistry lab.

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A man whose weight loss plan is eating half-portions of McDonald’s meals every meal for 100 consecutive days claims he’s lost 29 pounds in 34 days. He’s lost 28 pounds of muscle and 1 pound from a shrunken liver.

Millennials are traveling at a higher rate than other age groups – as they fly home to live in their parents basement.

Pop star Harry Styles is reportedly dating actress Emily Ratajkowski – an impossibly good-looking couple with a terrible tabloid couple name: RatStyle.

An armed assailant killed six people at a Nashville elementary school – leaving Toby Keith confused over what terrible country song he can write about it.

The Philadelphia Phillies introduced their new menu items for 2023 home games at Citizens Bank Park. For the first time ever, vegans will have a choice of food they can throw at visiting outfielders and bullpen pitchers.

Scientists are touting a “holy grail” of cancer detection that predicts tumors a year before they form. The protocol has two parts: a blood test; and a program that scans for credit card purchases at Arby’s.

New research indicates physical activity offers little mental health benefit. The study appeared in the journal Nature Human Behaviour and was co-funded by La-Z-Boy & Haagen-Dazs.

In the wake of a toxic chemical spill, the City of Philadelphia Water Department declared the water supply safe for drinking ‘through Wednesday’ – last Wednesday.

Chris Christie told a New Hampshire crowd he’s the only Republican qualified to stand up to Donald Trump. Although he’s more comfortable sitting down.

An Australian woman was convicted of killing her husband by lacing his favorite lemon cookies with sleeping pills. The judge also issued an injunction halting future publishing of The Joy Of Cooking With Ambien.

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Philadelphia’s drinking water was contaminated by a chemical spill in the Delaware River. Until further notice, city residents are advised to shoot their water before drinking it.

Florida may ban elementary school students from learning about or discussing menstruation. Three girls were already suspended for asking who the substitute teacher is for first period English.

A Family Dollar worker fatally shot a shoplifter. The store is closed, but a line is forming outside for customers wanting Dollar Shots.

Ye – formerly Kanye West – said he now likes Jews again after watching Jonah Hill’s performance in 21 Jump Street. Then he watched Hill in The Sitter and he’s on the fence again.

A 4-year-old hacked his Mom’s Amazon Prime account and ordered 51 boxes of SpongeBob popsicles. Two days later she received 51 boxes of SpongeBob popsicles and a Hitachi personal massager.

Walkouts among German airport, bus & railway workers brought the nation to a standstill Monday, as citizens struggle to cope with the Notten Muvin strike.

Actor Jeremy Renner shared video of his physical therapy, walking on an anti-gravity treadmill, as he recovers from injures suffered after being run over by a snowplow. Renner walked for 30 minutes then wiped the machine down before a guy who got run over by a truck used it.

Two Cuban migrants successfully fled their country and arrived at Key West Airport aboard a motorized hang glider. Air traffic controllers guided the two men aboard Spirit Airlines flight 544.

A woman who bit off the earlobe of a female Nordstrom security guard after being apprehended shoplfting was sentenced to 70 months in prison. The guard doesn’t want the earring back that the shoplifter swallowed.

The FDIC said First Citizens Bank has agreed to purchase troubled Silicon Valley Bank, and two days later had already collected $100 million in SVB overdraft fees.

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Tom Brady became a minority owner of the WNBA Las Vegas Aces, after loaning the team bus fare to get home from a game he attended.

According to Forbes magazine, Jay-Z is now worth an estimated $2.5 billion, and is down to fewer than 29 problems.

An Army veteran who bought his wife a Maserati for $68,000 on Carvana found out the car was stolen. He’s suing Carvana for $1 million in damages, but in the meantime will keep selling military secrets to raise money for another exotic car.

The New York grand jury hearing Donald Trump’s hush-money case will have the weekend off. They’ve been instructed not to discuss the case, and not to accept the all-expenses-paid 3-night vacation at Mar a Lago.

A 24-year-old woman bit and kicked police as she was carried off a Frontier Airlines jet in Miami boarding for Philadelphia. She faces several felony & misdemeanor charges, and, upon arrival in Philadelphia, will receive the Key to the City.

Blac Chyna revealed she quit sharing nudes on OnlyFans because she became a born-again Christian and ‘God wouldn’t want me doing it’. Also, God and everyone else who cancelled subscriptions saw all there is to see during her two years on the platform.

Mathematicians discovered a new, unique shape that can tile a wall or floor and create infinite patterns that never repeat. It’s coming soon to hardware stores and your next failed do-it-yourself project.

The CEO of a tech startup that inspects boat hulls with underwater drones is accused of peeping on women in a Panera bathroom. His denies wrongdoing and said the drone was doing a test run in the ladies toilet.

A radio DJ’s body was found several weeks after he went missing – so the person discovering the body won Matchbox Twenty tickets in Wild 94.9’s Scavenger Hunt.

Transgender cyclist Tiffany Thomas won the Randalls Island Crit – putting her over the 20-win mark since she began racing in her 40s in 2018. Her excitement was evident atop the medal stand as shown by her triumphant raised arms and the bulge in her bike shorts.

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New research concludes Ludwig van Beethoven’s death and early-onset liver disease may not have been solely alcohol-related, and that he suffered from acute hepatitis. In case you were wondering what Beethoven has in common with the members of Motley Crue.

Following a series of train accidents, Congress is working on a railroad safety bill. Or, they will until Republicans or Democrats derail it.

Large clusters of sargassum have begun washing up on the Florida coastline – leading lonely, hearing-impaired women to book Florida vacations so they can experience a sargassum on the beach.

Researchers in Great Britain say hearing ‘dad jokes’ empowers kids to become better adults. While hearing dirty jokes empowers them to become more popular during recess.

Artificial tears tainted with bacteria are blamed for several deaths, blindness and loss of eyes in multiple users. Worse, victims with glass eyes are warned that high levels of bacteria have been found in Windex.

A tornado touched down in Los Angeles. It arrived 20 minutes late and left a half-hour early.

Gisele Bundchen said in an interview that her marriage to Tom Brady was doomed long before his decision to ‘unretire’. She added that their final counseling session ended with her taking a knee with 30 seconds left in ‘divorce formation’.

The City of Philadelphia is exploring a program to reduce infant mortality by paying pregnant women $1,000/month if they live in certain areas of the city. It’s unclear how the infant mortality problem can be solved with an Xbox.

The Federal Aviation Administration is issuing a “call to action” following multiple near collisions on airport runways – starting with a pre-flight two-drink maximum for veteran pilots.

An Amazon delivery driver handed a package to a SWAT team member during an armed standoff in North Carolina. The SWAT team member then placed the box of bullets on the porch and the standoff continued.