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A dead humpback whale washed ashore at a Wildwood, New Jersey beach. Lifeguards identified it after realizing it wasn’t wearing a swimsuit.

Steve Bannon told the January 6th Committee that he would testify, but that he wouldn’t shave or wash his hair.

The International Shark Attack File recorded 73 ‘unprovoked bites’ worldwide in 2021. Also recorded were 39 so-called ‘provoked bites’ – mainly to boyfriends jealous the shark was getting a little too close with their girl.

Thousands of Sri Lankans – angry at worsening economic conditions and a critical shortage of fuel – stormed the capital and forced the Prime Minister to resign. Everybody walked there.

The Federal Transportation Department told U.S. airlines to start making it easier for families to sit together at no extra charge. Spirit Airlines heeded the call and promptly introduced Family Cargo Hold Seating.

Howie Mandel posted a video of a prolapsed rectum to his Tik Tok account on Saturday night. He later removed it, but not before fellow America’s Got Talent judge Heidi Klum gave it her Golden Buzzer.

The nation’s only retailer for unclaimed airline luggage – Greenpoint Terminal Market – will host a silent auction for a suitcase containing 10 luxury items including Apple Airpods, designer sunglasses & clothing. If it’s a success, the next auction will feature a suitcase full of cocaine.

The Food & Drug Administration received its first application for a non-prescription, over-the-counter birth control pill, that men can buy as a birthday gift for their girlfriends.

After two months missing, it was confirmed that a South Carolina man died after falling into a shredder at a plastic bottle recycling plant where he worked. Forensics experts made the discovery after taking a DNA sample from a fleece hoodie.

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 38th birthday at an island getaway with her extended family, calling it Kamp Koko. However, she’s having her nieces & nephews Kamp Koko Kids t-shirts reprinted with a different name.

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Philadelphia International Airport will receive $1 billion in federal funding, some of which will be used to upgrade bathrooms, to include balloon-filling stations and wider, more romantic stalls.

A new study finds that the missionary position is the best for achieving female orgasms…unless you’re a lesbian or a woman who takes longer than 90 seconds to achieve orgasm.

University of Pennsylvania researchers have developed tiny robots capable of brushing and flossing teeth. The robots took years to develop, since many of them died of heart failure consuming cheesesteak particles.

Japanese researchers developed electric chopsticks capable of enhancing the salt flavor in foods when touched to the tongue, helping those on low-sodium diets. American researchers gave up and asked for an electric salt-enhancing fork.

Stealthing – secretly removing a condom during intercourse – is still legal in Australia. Women are advocating for new laws to keep men from throwing their unprotected shrimp in the barbie.

Global monkeypox cases rose 77% in a week, according to the World Health Organization, who cited expanded global travel, and Carnival’s High Seas Sex With Monkeys cruises.

The manager of Morton’s Steakhouse in Washington DC criticized protesters who’d gathered outside the restaurant when they found out Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was there. The manager reaffirmed Kananaugh’s right to eat in peace and pay $20 for a baked potato.

Ruja Ignatova, a woman who defrauded investors out of $4 billion by creating a fake cryptocurrency called OneCoin, was added to the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List. Ignatova had offered to reimburse victims by paying them in TwoCoin.

Kim Kardashian and daughter North West received a private tour of the Louvre in Paris, spending several hours before realizing Dogs Playing Poker isn’t there.

Brad Pitt said he suffers from ‘facial blindness’, a condition where he struggles to remember people’s faces. Several of his one-night stands claim they, too, experienced facial blindness, but different from what he has.

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Ariel the Mermaid lost part of her seashell bra during a Disney World Parade. Sebastian the Crab serenaded the crowd with ‘Under The Sea’ as she looked to cover up Over The C’s.

A 7-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero for performing the Heimlich maneuver on a classmate choking on pizza in the school cafeteria. He then punched the same kid for refusing to trade his chocolate pudding for Fritos.

Georgia Tik Tok influencer Kylie Strickland is being investigated for flashing her breasts at two small boys at a swimming pool during a livestream. The boys remained in the pool for several uncomfortable minutes.

Unconfirmed reports state U.S. representatives are working on a prisoner swap, with WNBA star Britney Griner returning to the States in exchange for a Russian arms dealer, future considerations, and a scumbag to be named later.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson resigned amidst multiple scandals including parties during COVID lockdown and failure to act on sexual misconduct perpetrated by one of his allies. The good news is, his awful behavior has earned him reality show offers from three U.S. cable channels.

Apple plans to launch an Extreme Sports edition Apple Watch, with a metal casing & larger screen, designed to withstand the toughest afternoons lying on your couch.

Viral video showed a teleprompter on stage during Motley Crue’s set during their U.S. Stadium Tour, reminding Vince Neil of song lyrics he can’t sing anyway.

The NFL’s hearings regarding alleged sexual misconduct by Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson concluded after three days. Any decision regarding suspensions or disciplinary action will be delayed while everyone unwinds with a relaxing massage.

Kim Kardashian spoke to Allure magazine, telling an interviewer what she has, and hasn’t, put in her face on the day of the interview. She admitted to having a small amount of Botox and a larger amount of Pete Davidson.

Kazuki Takahashi, creator of the hit TV series and trading card game Yu-Gi-Oh, passed away at age 60. Said mourners, “Yu-Gi-Oh no”.

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Uvalde, Texas School District Police Chief Pete Arredondo resigned his position on City Council. He’s on leave from the police force and considering joining the SWAT team – which, in his case, is Stand Watching Additional Tragedies.

The Hard Rock Hotel in Atlantic City, New Jersey settled on a new deal with striking casino workers. Unfortunately the union placed all their new wages & benefits on red and lost it.

The restaurants replacing McDonald’s in Russia opened under their new name Vkusno – I Tochka, which translates to “Tasty..and That’s It..and the McFlurry machine is still broken.”

A Long Island, NY beach lifeguard who was mimicking a distressed swimmer during a training exercise was bitten by a shark. The shark was unavailable for a follow-up training exercise because he’s working at two different beaches.

People on social media say anchovies are falling from the sky in San Francisco, as a result of birds carrying them to their nests and dropping them. That, and the hatchlings tossing them out of the tree because they don’t want to eat them either.

Carson Pickett, born with only a stump below her left elbow, became the first player with a limb difference to enter a game for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. She was rewarded for her skill, and for being 50% less likely to be called for a hand ball.

A fan at an Eagles concert in the U.K. brawled with security as the rock band played their 70s hit ‘Take It Easy’. Guards pummeled the desperado until he came to his senses.

The CDC is investigating a deadly listeria outbreak linked to Big Olaf Creamery ice cream, which is sold only in Florida. One person died, 22 were sickened, and several kids avoided illness by letting it melt down their arm before parents angrily threw the cone away.

Subway sandwich shops are relaunching with the most aggressive menu makeover in their 60-year history. Customers will now be able to create their own custom sandwiches with a barely detectable layer of meat on them.

A Broward County, Florida man blew his hand off in a fireworks accident. The hand was then successfully attached to an alligator’s stomach.

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A massive new Giant grocery store opened on North Broad Street in Philadelphia. It’s the first grocery store in the nation with an aisle dedicated to bullets.

Ghislaine Maxwell was sentenced to 20 years in prison for sex trafficking. She’ll be sent to a federal prison now known as The Big Maxwell House.

Bed Bath & Beyond said CEO Mark Tritton left the company amidst disappointing sales. Even worse, the Board of Directors redeemed several 20% off coupons to reduce his severance pay.

Amazon will limit the sales of Plan B contraceptive pills to control inventory as states enact anti-abortion laws. However, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet will place no limit on its Plan O pills, but won’t guarantee their efficacy.

Andrew Giuliani, son of Rudy, lost in the New York State Republican Gubernatorial Primary election. His concession speech was delayed because he had a tough time finding a greenhouse open at 11pm.

A visitor at Yellowstone National Park saved a small child from being gored by a charging bison, but was tossed in the air by the animal. He’s expected to recover, and receive a million-dollar signing bonus to join the Spanish Bullfighting League.

Tesla laid off 200 workers on the vehicle autopilot team – all of whom showed themselves out.

OutKast’s Big Boi divorced his wife of 20 years, citing o why o why o,… why o why o why o? Are we so in denial when we know we’re not happy here?

Nissan recalled over 300,000 Pathfinder SUVs over potential hood latch failures, followed by potential “f**k!!!” failures from drivers at high-speeds who can’t see past the hood.

A truck carrying over 200 beehives overturned on a Utah highway, destroying 95% of them. Police are searching for the queen of rival hives who may have stung holes in the brake lines.

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Ryan Resch, 29, a basketball operations exec with the NBA Phoenix Suns, came out as gay. He looks forward to meeting your Phoenix sons.

Rapper Ludacris’ manager and two others were shot in Georgia. The rapper said he’s trying to find the word to describe how crazy it is.

The January 6th Commission scheduled a last-minute session this afternoon, citing new evidence and witness testimony, and that one of them won a free catered lunch from Chick-fil-A that expires on June 30th.

Accounting firm Ernst & Young was fined $100 million after disclosing that its auditors cheated on the ethics portion of the CPA Exam. The Trump Organization called a press conference to announce the hiring of Ernst & Young.

Bed Bath & Beyond is accused of shutting off air conditioning in its stores to save money. Their CEO doesn’t see the big deal, since there are towels, like, everywhere.

Inventor Hashem Alghaili showed off his Sky Cruise concept, a pilotless flying hotel powered by 10 nuclear jet engines that never lands and can accommodate 5,000 guests. He said the biggest problem will be how to eject people at 30,000 feet who don’t pay their bill.

Child psychiatrists are advising mothers not to say “I’ve been so good today” about not eating junk food in front of their daughters, since it could make them feel food or weight-shamed. They also advise not saying “I’ve been so faithful today” when the hot UPS guy drops off a package.

A Norwegian Cruise Line ship struck an iceberg in Alaska and returned to port to repair the damage, and to drop off the cheapskate passengers who already drowned in Steerage.

A 101-year-old former Nazi prison guard was found guilty of accessory-to-murder charges for prisoner deaths in World War II. He’s expected to be sentenced to death, or 30 days, whichever comes sooner.

Influencers were sickened after eating meal kit maker Daily Harvest’s French Lentil + Leek Crumbles entree, with one saying “I’ve never felt pain like that.” Their friend, who didn’t eat it, but looked at it, added “I’ve never felt nausea like that”.

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Married math & science teachers are both accused of inappropriate sexual contact with an underage high school student. They did, however, pique his interest in STEM education.

A Colorado Avalanche fan was banned for the season after scattering a small amount of his deceased friends ashes on the ice. Avalanche officials said the only foreign objects allowed on the ice are pucks, blood, teeth, and, of course, hats if someone scores three goals.

Viral video shows a British Columbia woman rescuing her pet goose from an eagle attack, while breastfeeding her infant child. She rebuffed advances from the eagle, who said that he was still hungry also.

An alligator dragged and killed a person in a pond near the Myrtle Beach, SC Golf & Yacht Club. Officials say the alligator was euthanized, and earlier this year had been kicked out of the club.

A Burger King employee went viral for showing off the measly gifts – including a movie ticket, mug & Life Savers – given to him for his 27-year anniversary spitting in hamburgers at the same restaurant.

Disney/Pixar’s ‘Lightyear’ underperformed at the box office, with speculation that some viewers avoided it because of a gay female character. Exit polls said if people wanted to see animated lesbians, they can go to a WNBA game.

A recent airline survey named Kansas City, MO the best city for a ‘working vacation’ – defined by the survey’s authors as “a sh!tty vacation”.

A bullfighting arena in Colombia collapsed, leading to immediate regret by everyone who wore a red shirt to the bullfights.

Costco recalled a solar lighting patio umbrella because it could overheat and create a fire hazard. Customer are advised to return it, or to only use it indoors.

A South Carolina man won $100,000 using a $25-a-week spending strategy he saw on the TLC show ‘Lottery Changed My Life’. Hundreds of thousands of other viewers are out twenty-five bucks.

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A bullet struck a Comcast headquarters building in downtown Philadelphia, shattering a window. Police narrowed the suspect list to about 30 million Comcast customers.

Caesars Palace will not be hosting Adele’s residency in 2022. A spokesperson for the venue said “dude, you’re not gettin’ Adele”.

The Duffer Brothers, creators of Stranger Things, warn that Season 4 “will not have a happy ending.” This, despite Hawkins Massage parlor opening in the Upside Down.

Ugandan Mariem Nabatanzi holds the record for most children, having given birth to 44 kids by the time she turned 40. She is currently single, and also holds the record for the world’s most effective Tinder profile.

A Texas school district banned skirts & dresses for girls after fifth grade, saying it promotes professionalism. Shorts are still acceptable, so students can prepare for their professoinal careers at Hooters.

Roe v Wade was officially overturned. Planned Parenthood used the occasion to announce its new Travel department.

A University of Georgia study finds 75% of teens aren’t getting enough exercise, but they’ll give it a try after they watch enough Tik Tok videos to get the hang of it.

Actress Denise Richards joined Only Fans one week after her 18-year-old daughter Sami Sheen did. They can be found in the new Family section.

DALL-E 2, the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence, made its magazine cover debut on the front of Cosmopolitan. Boyfriends looking at it think the artificial intelligence needs bigger artificial breasts.

LA Guns guitarist Tracii Guns played his band’s entire set in Plano Texas from an air conditioned bathroom stall behind the stage, because high heat triggers his panic disorder. Critics said LA Guns live show is now in the toilet like the rest of their career.

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Amazon Alexa smart speakers will soon be able to read stories in the voice of your deceased grandmother. All you need to do is buy an Alexa-equipped speaker, pick a story, and record a short audio clip of your grandmother before you kill her.

Amazon introduced Proteus, its first fully autonomous warehouse robot. It can pick & pack inventory, tell you why unions are a bad idea, and promote better-looking coworkers instead of you.

The Supreme Court struck down a New York State law restricting concealed carry of firearms. Owners of AR-15 assault rifles look forward to concealed carry, once they find really baggy pants to wear to their school or church shooting.

Kendall Jenner and Devin Booker, NBA All-Star for the Phoenix Suns, broke up. Jenner and sister Khloe Kardashian will host a combine-style gathering of NBA players to decide who they’ll bang next.

A mentally ill woman attempted to run her mother over with a car, but missed and drove it into the front of an Old Navy store. The driver was arrested and both came up empty-handed for Fathers Day gifts.

Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis debuted to negative reviews. AMC, Regal, and other theater chains announce that next Friday, Elvis has left the building.

91-year-old media billionaire Rupert Murdoch and model/actress wife Jerry Hall, 65, are divorcing. Melania Trump express-mailed Murdoch her resume and portfolio.

The Economist Intelligence Unit released its 2022 global list of the ‘Most Liveable Cities’. Vienna, Austria topped the list, followed by Copenhagen and Zurich. For the 10th straight year, the Most Unliveable City was a tie between “Everywhere in Mississippi”.

Artistic swimmer Anita Alavarez was rescued after she passed out and sunk to the bottom of the pool following her performance at the FINA World Aquatic Championships. She’ll compete again Friday, but this time she’ll wait a half-hour after eating lunch.

A man in England returned a book to his local library 76 years overdue, which had been borrowed by his dead mother. The library waived the $4,600 in accrued fines, but denied the man’s request to renew it.

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A new study reveals when concert tickets are cheapest to purchase. Findings state they’re 33% cheaper on the day of the show, or even cheaper if it’s a Color Me Badd concert.

New safe sleep guidelines for babies were announced by the American Academy of Pediatrics, including a flat bed free of decorations, no soft objects and no co-sleeping. The findings were immediately challenged by teddy bears and babies seeking other babies for one-night stands.

A Williamsport, Pennsylvania high school principal was charged with 30 counts of sexual misconduct with a student at his school. Suspicions grew when he had the student’s name stenciled beneath his own on his office door.

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is changing its name to reflect how customers refer to it. Going forward it’ll be known as Kraft Dinner for Broke-Ass Students & Toddlers.

Barack & Michelle Obama signed a deal for audio books and content with Amazon’s Audible. Donald Trump is expected to sign a similar deal with Fox’s Unintelligible.

A New York City woman used instructions in her GrubHub order to say she was being held hostage in an apartment. The food was delivered by cops, who arrested her captor. The woman was relieved to be saved, but upset that the order was wrong.

Uber & Lyft drivers filed a lawsuit accusing the rideshare companies of price fixing. Uber & Lyft intend to mount a vigorous defense, and also tell drivers if they don’t like the money, they can go get real jobs.

Traces of polio virus were found in London’s sewage system. Health officials quickly declared it one of the 20 worst things in Londoners digestive tracts.

The Food & Drug Administration is set to ban Juul e*cigarettes in the U.S. Dirtbag parents planning to give them as 18th Birthday presents are scrambling to find the money to buy an AR-15 instead.

Kate Bush continues to marvel at Netflix’s Stranger Things boosting sales of her 1985 hit Running Up That Hill. Now 63, she plans to record a follow-up single, Asking For A Ride Up That Hill.