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The Producers Guild of America approved guidelines for combating sexual harassment in the entertainment industry. The guidelines ask that each production be vigilant in preventing harassment, that whistleblowers be protected, and that producers keep their whistles in their pants.

Delta Airlines says they’re cracking down on passengers’ emotional support animals; this, following a mid-flight argument between a flight attendant and a pug who wanted the whole can of Alpo.

  • United Airlines says they’re also cracking down on animal companions; only by ‘cracking down’ United means they’re breaking the animal in to pieces and sending it on to baggage claim with no further explanation.

Cape Town could be the first major city in the world to run out of water. Residents must limit their showers to one-and-a-half minutes. “No problem!” said Cape Town men who like to have sex in the shower.

Singer Ed Sheeran announced that he was secretly engaged. Fiancee Cherry Seaborn announced that she secretly called it off.

Former ‘Jersey Shore’ star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino arrived in a New Jersey court to plead guilty to tax evasion. He’ll film a ‘Jersey Shore’ reunion before returning to court as Mike ‘Five Years In The Joint’ Sorrentino.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West named their new baby daughter ‘Chicago’ — leaving pregnant sisters Kylie and Khloe to duke it out between ‘Detroit’ and ‘Cleveland’.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh fired the crime-ridden city’s Police Commissioner Kevin Davis. Davis was reportedly given just a few minutes at his office to clean out his unregistered guns and bribes.

A new Boston University study concludes that chronic brain disease CTE isn’t caused by concussions, but rather by repeated hits to the head, even without concussion. The study authors warn parents to be vigilant looking for CTE symptoms in children who are athletes, or frequent noogie recipients.

President Trump, addressing the ‘March for Life’ event, called on the U.S. Senate to outlaw abortions after 20 weeks.  “Sure, if that includes your term” said Democratic Senators, in what observers of burns are calling ‘a layup’.

Congress was unable to avert a U.S. Government Shutdown. Callers to the White House received this voice message: “”Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because Congressional Democrats are holding govt. funding, including funding for our troops and other national security priorities, hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Oh, and if this is Grubhub ask the guards to take the Big Macs inside.”

 

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A Florida man was arrested for DUI after he pulled up to a drive-thru at a bank and ordered a burrito. Meanwhile a different man pulled up to a Taco Bell and asked for cash. The clerk asked if he was drunk, and the driver said no, it was a goddamned robbery and to give him the money.

Actress Ruby Rose underwent successful surgery to correct a spinal condition. Though doctors said for now she can expect the incision to remain Ruby Red.

Monster has passed Red Bull to become the most popular energy drink in the U.S. Monster has 43% domestic market share, meaning 43 cans are found next to every 100 under-40 heart attack victims.

WhatsApp launched its new business messaging tool, I’mNotHere.

Amazon is planning a 20% rate increase for month-to-month Prime memberships, citing increased health care costs for drones injured on the job.

Porn star Stormy Daniels allegedly spanked Donald Trump with a copy of Forbes magazine featuring his photo on the cover, since Trump’s first choice – a copy of Teen Vogue with Ivanka Trump on the cover – was still too sticky.

Actor Michael Douglas has been accused of sexual harassment. The claims date back to a time when Douglas was actually physically capable of it.

  • No word on how this will affect Douglas’ role in the upcoming Ant Man 2; although producers are exploring a title change to Ant Man: Me 2.

A 19-year-old New Jersey woman was expelled from the University of Alabama for posting a YouTube video where she repeatedly used the n-word. “That’s not right; it’s our word”, said white Alabamians.

Porn production company Naughty America said that it’s working on a new augmented reality product featuring three-dimensional women that doesn’t involve pornography. No more details were shared, although the company recently trademarked the name Clean My Bathroom America.

Prosecutors in Bill Cosby’s sexual assault retrial want jurors to hear from 20 of his accusers this time, not just two, claiming that it was difficult for just two women to form a band to perform a song about why rape is bad.

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As part of tax reform, Apple is planning to pay a $38 billion repatriation tax on its overseas cash reserves. Apple also announced plans to build a new campus and create 20,000 new jobs, just as soon as 6th grade lets out in the spring.

Walmart is giving away free opioid disposal kits to get rid of excess pills. Walmart’s pharmacists point out that these kits are different from the opioid disposal being offered by the high school kids in the parking lot.

A doctor in Florida took a golf course photo of an alligator wrestling with a burmese python near the water. A day later, the alligator and the python were gone, banned for slow play and failure to wear collared shirts.

Americans are dubious of White House doctor Ronny Jackson’s assessment that President Trump weighs 239 pounds, and that Trump is “like, the least overweight guy you’ve ever interviewed.”

Twitter plans to inform users who were exposed to content from Russians. In a follow- up, Twitter said that the easiest way to check is to see if they’re following this person:realtrump

Researchers at the University of Manchester in England concluded that microwaves are as bad for the environment as cars – or at least the microwaves churning out British recipes are.

An Irish mother of five legally married a 300 year old pirate ghost. They’re registered at Smelly Bed, Needs A Bath & Great Beyond.

Republicans are reportedly angry at President Trump for tweeting policy positions that may lead to a government shutdown. For his part, the President said that he’s willing to work as many as 72 holes to get a deal done.

A drone in Australia was used to drop a flotation device to save the lives of two swimmers stranded in the ocean. The swimmers were able to swim to shore; the drone landed and now has his choice of hot chicks on New South Wales beach.

Spotify is launching “Spotlight” – a new podcast format that includes visual elements. Now in addition to not listening to your friend’s podcast, you can not see it, either.

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House GOP Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy recounted his recent trip with the President aboard Air Force One, saying that Trump loves Starburst candies, but only the red and pink ones. Asked who gets the yellow and green ones, he said “some kid Barron something”.

Police in Knoxville, Tennessee investigated an alarm at a Boost Mobile store and found it was caused by a raccoon. After checking his credit score, the raccoon learned he was able to get a new phone from a better service provider and left.

Danica Patrick confirmed that she’s dating Aaron Rodgers. Patrick announced her retirement from NASCAR in 2017, but expressed her excitement at still being able to qualify for the pole.

Natural Cycles, a contraceptive app approved as a form of contraception by the European Union, has been hit with a complaint after being blamed for 37 unwanted pregnancies. Natural Cycles launched an investigation, but in the meantime urged pregnant mothers to try its other app, Find That Guy I Had Sex With.

A man traveling from Iceland to England was arrested at the airport for attempting to avoid excess luggage fees by wearing eight pairs of pants and ten shirts. Airport security patted him down layer by layer, and he boarded a flight two days later when they finished.

A newborn baby boy was found abandoned at the Tucson International Airport on Sunday night. The baby was found in good health, and his first words were “please get me out of Tucson.”

The Japanese city of Gamagori issued a citywide emergency warning after a supermarket mistakenly sold lethally poisonous blowfish.  The search was later narrowed to specific women who had redeemed buy-one-get-one-free coupons for lethally poisonous blowfish.

A British Airways crew assigned to a flight from London to Ghana refused to work when the aircraft was discovered to be infested with bedbugs, and the bedbugs refused to be reassigned to coach.

The Google Art & Culture app has become a viral hit, two years after its initial release. Among its features, it matches users selfies with historic portrait works of art. For instance, photos of the President and his cabinet in the Oval Office were matched to Dogs Playing Poker.

McDonald’s announced a new Green initiative, to use renewable, recyclable or certified materials in all of its packaging by 2025. McDonald’s said it’s dedicating the initiative to all of its most loyal customers who have asked for the change but won’t live to see it.

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A USA Today story highlights that many of the drones people bought for Christmas have gone missing during flight. Users are upset at the money they spent, and the lost video footage of neighborhood women changing clothes.

Boeing revealed a prototype drone capable of hauling 500 pounds. The drone’s most recent test flight at max payload successfully delivered the President and his golf clubs to Florida.

CVS has banned photo manipulation for pictures appearing on beauty brands in its stores. Activists consider this a huge victory in the fight against unrealistic body images, and a huge defeat for models with zits.

Mitt Romney said that President Trump’s comments that certain foreign nations were “shitholes” is ‘antithetical to American values’. Trump clapped back saying that he was not anti-thetical, before asking an aide if “theticals” meant black people.

A Pegasus Airlines jet carrying 168 passengers slid off the runway at Turkey’s Trabzon airport and dangled nose down off of an adjacent cliff. No passengers were injured, but the captain announced that they were last in line for takeoff.

Actor and comedian Aziz Ansari issued an apology for trying to get laid.

ESPN announced a new morning show to compete with major networks. The 3-hour program, ‘Get Up’, will be hosted by Michelle Beadle, Mike Greenberg, and Jalen Rose. ESPN promises viewers interactive segments, like guessing which host will be the first one fired for sexual misconduct.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders accused Amazon’s Alexa voice assistant of shipping her an order for an $80 Batman toy because her 2-year-old repeatedly shouted “Batman”.  President Trump repeatedly denied saying “shithole” in an Oval Office DACA meeting, but his order history showed Alexa shipped a child’s training toilet to the White House.

The Emergency Management worker who mistakenly activated an incoming ballistic missile warning for Hawaii has been reassigned. He now greets tourists at the airport, puts a lei on their neck and tells them “it’s been nice knowing you.”

Amazon announced that it’s upgrading Alexa to offer not just facts and recommendations, but ‘her’ own opinion on TV shows, beer and more – followed by extended periods of silence toward guys when they ignore it.

 

 

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A school district in Niagara County, New York paid a $10,000 settlement to a 10-year-old girl who suffered frostbite while snowshoeing in gym class. Cases are pending from other students who broke their legs warming up doing jumping jacks with the snowshoes on.

The Wall Street Journal reported that lawyers for President Trump made a $130,000 ‘hush payment’ in 2016 to porn star Stormy Daniels in exchange for her silence regarding a meeting with him. No word on how much was paid to the President’s fluffer.

A 55-year-old Texas woman accused of fatally shooting her husband had recently done an Internet search for “how to kill someone and not get caught.” She then started a search for ‘how to permanently delete browser hist–‘ but then got distracted and searched ‘gun dealers’.

President Trump completed his first physical exam since taking office. The physician declared Trump to be “in excellent physical condition”, disappointing millions.

A Florida man was attacked by a bear in his backyard, since it’s believed alligators have the week off.

Sea lions have reportedly attacked four swimmers in San Francisco Bay. The sea lions bit the swimmers, before telling them this spot was ‘locals only’ and returning to surfing.

A judge in Pennsylvania ordered an Amish family to connect their outhouse to the local municipal sewer system, even though the electric motor required to do so violates their religious beliefs. The Yoder family has yet to comply, while saying it’s dangerous having to hold it while they buggy to their cousin’s outhouse two towns over.

Police chased down a Greyhound bus after receiving a 911 call from a passenger claiming that someone on the bus had a gun and was threatening them. Cops eventually apprehended the man, and the remaining passengers resumed their singalong.

WWE woman superstar wrestler Paige announced her retirement, citing a neck injury. She had hoped to return to the ring, but WWE specialists said that her neck isn’t responding to treatment with folding chairs and piledrivers.

A 20-year-old Florida man came forward to claim the $451 million Mega Millions jackpot. Women at his community college told local reporters that they’d never noticed until now just how cute he is.

Flu activity in the U.S. is reported as widespread in every state except for Hawaii. Emergency rooms say that they’re overwhelmed with visitor volume – but are thankful that people without health insurance are probably toughing it out at home.

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Britain’s Queen Elizabeth fired her 82-year-old bra fitter, June Kenton, over Kenton’s book titled Storm in a D-Cup. There’s that, and the fact that they’re both too old to pick up big, heavy things off the floor.

Teens are putting Tide detergent pods in their mouths and recording it as part of the Tide Pod Challenge. Procter & Gamble said that people shouldn’t put Tide pods in their mouth; but if they do, they’re likely to get twice as many views as the leading bargain brand.

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, scientists have discovered layers of water ice buried feet beneath the surface of Mars. “Ask if they have lemon” said a researcher from Philadelphia.

First Lady Melania Trump hired 27-year-old Reagan Thompson to be her new director of policy. Thompson is to advance Mrs. Trump’s signature policies including reducing bullying, helping children, and wearing white after Labor Day if you’re visiting a disaster area like Puerto Rico or Houston.

Saudi Arabia opened its first new car showroom just for women, in advance of the country allowing women drivers for the first time. Four women suffered minor injuries in a pileup at the ladies room.

President Trump repeatedly asked lawmakers attending a meeting on DACA/Dreamers legislation why the U.S. should take in immigrants from “shithole” countries like Haiti and African nations. GOP lawmakers co-sponsoring the bill replied:

  • For the great health care;
  • Because they need guns;
  • They were in line way ahead of the Puerto Ricans.

A malware bug, labeled Adult Swine, is causing children’s game apps in the Google Play store to display pornography.  A Google spokesperson urged Android users to avoid downloading ‘Pokemon Gangbang’.

The Las Vegas Convention center experienced a power blackout during the Consumer Electronics Show. No injuries were reported, however, Las Vegas emergency rooms were backlogged treating men who’d been tasered by ‘booth babes’.

A U.K butcher locked himself in a walk-in freezer, then used a large frozen sausage as a battering ram to break free. Asked why he used the sausage, he said he got the idea after calling his wife.

Abyss Creations showed off its new ‘Harmony’ sex doll at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show. The new version has swappable faces so a single doll can be two different women, a feature added after owners complained about having to take ‘no’ for an answer.

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Missouri Governor Eric Greitens admitted to an extramarital affair, but denied allegations of blackmailing his mistress with a nude photo taken during their meeting. “Show us!” said Missourians.

The U.S. Army is having difficulty finding physically fit recruits due to the U.S. obesity problem. The good news is that the Army is making money from hilarious obstacle course videos with the unfit recruits they do get.

James Franco has been accused of sexual misconduct by five women, including one on the set of 127 Hours, where she says Franco touched her with the hand that wasn’t stuck under a boulder.

Congressional Democrats are planning to wear black and bring sexual assault survivors as guests to President Trump’s first State of the Union address. Asked if she planned to wear black, First Lady Melania Trump said it depends on whether she can find the right shoes.

Walmart is raising its starting wage to $11/hour and giving $1,000 bonuses to eligible employees in response to the U.S. tax cut. Bonus recipients have various plans for the money, although most said they’ll use it to escape poverty for a few days.

China blocked the Marriott Hotels app and website as punishment for listing Tibet, Taiwan, Macau & Hong Kong as separate countries – frustrating U.S. college students booking Spring Break trips to Tibet to find enlightenment and get wasted.

YouTube is punishing Logan Paul for his infamous ‘suicide forest’ video. In addition to making it harder for advertisers to find and place ads on his videos, Paul will have to watch 200 hours of Philadelphia Eagles fan videos discussing their upcoming game in the NFC Divisional Playoffs.

An analysis from Rhodium Group cites the U.S. Transportation Sector – cars & trucks – as the largest source of harmful greenhouse gas emissions for the second consecutive year, followed by the Energy Sector, and the Fast-Casual Mexican Dining sector.

Pizza Hut is working with Toyota to deliver pizzas in driverless vehicles. Early trials have been a mix of successful deliveries and errors – such as vehicles driving through front doors trying to hit the doorbell, and a high rate of cars quitting to start a band.

Some women participating in the 2018 Women’s March on January 20-21 are planning to ditch last year’s popular pink ‘pussy hats’, which they say exclude transgender women and women of color whose genitals aren’t pink — and besides, it hides their kicky new haircut.

 

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A couple who met on an Internet dating site were found guilty of plotting an ISIS-inspired bomb attack during Christmastime in Britain. During questioning, the man admitted to being lured by the catchy jingle of Terroristsonly.com

According to CBS News, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has told workers to decide by the end of January if they plan on leaving in 2018.  “Probably” replied Melania.

Former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told CNN that former Trump chief strategist Steve Bannon was a “bad hire”; causing Homeland Security to raise the Domestic Irony Threat Level from Orange to Red.

Steve Bannon stepped down as President of Breitbart News Network on Tuesday. Breitbart released a statement that Bannon was leaving to focus on a new site dedicated to couture fashion, grooming and sobriety.

A Louisiana woman lured an Uber driver to her house where she kissed him while topless so that her boyfriend could rob him. The couple were arrested. The woman received a one-star review for the cancelled trip, and a three-star review for her breasts.

A new study links ibuprofen to reduced sperm count in men, although the study’s author warned women asking if their partner ‘has protection’ should not accept ‘Advil’ as an answer.

A Philadelphia woman had her money and car stolen by two other women while she worked out at Planet Fitness. The thieves remain at large, and the victim was barred from Planet Fitness for judging them.

Harvey Weinstein was pummeled by a man in a drunken rage at an Arizona resort, after Weinstein refused to pose for a photo with him. Police arrested the man and Weinstein returned to his room, put on only a bathrobe, and waited for help to arrive.

According to the Daily Mail, 95-year-old Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee has been accused of sexual harassment by female nurses. The women allege that Lee groped them, walked around naked in their presence, and repeatedly asked if their Spidey Sense was tingling.

Airfare data firm Fare Compare released its list of the “Worst Days to Fly” in 2018. Dates include Presidents Day weekend, the March start of Spring Break, and red-eye flights after any pilot’s birthday happy hour.

 

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President Trump took the field for the National Anthem played before the College Football National Championship game in Atlanta. Clips showed Trump singing along with part of the song, but not all of it. The anthem finished, and he asked what happened to his hot tea before launching into ‘Vision of Love’.

Apparel retailer H&M is under fire for a photo of a black toddler modeling a sweatshirt reading ‘Coolest Monkey in the Jungle’.  Even angrier are the parents of an Asian toddler modeling a ‘3rd-Coolest Monkey in the Jungle’ sweatshirt.

A new study in the journal Health Affairs states that a child born in the United States has a 70 percent greater chance of dying before adulthood than children born into other wealthy, democratic countries. The main causes are the U.S.’ fragmented health care system, and the high numbers of Southern children getting guns for their 10th birthday.

A U.S. spy satellite launched by SpaceX is believed to have been destroyed after failing to reach orbit. Or…has it?

A Florida man was arrested for public intoxication and shoplifting; as he left a grocery store, police searched his pants and found a full rack of ribs, two packs of hamburger buns, nine pieces of fried chicken and mashed potatoes. He faces petty theft charges and an angry girlfriend, whose salad he forgot.

Democratic lawmaker Michelle Lujan Grisham – leader of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus – said that she will try to crash a bipartisan meeting at 11:30 a.m. with President Trump regarding immigration. Her attendance is expected to be rejected, since they only ordered a dozen Big Macs.

85-year-old former Sheriff Joe Arpaio announced that he’s running for Arizona’s Senate seat in 2018. He’s backed by everyone who’s seen his medical charts that thinks they can win a 2019 special election.

Americans’ credit card debt hit a record high of $1 trillion in November, entitling them to $35 cash back and a free companion airline ticket.

North Korea and South Korea are having their first diplomatic talks in two years, where they’re expected to discuss nuclear treaties, border security and the winner of the kimchi cookoff.

Samsung debuted its 146-inch ‘Wall TV’ at the Consumer Electronics Show, in a simulated living room with a single La-Z-Boy recliner and a five-foot tall stack of empty pizza boxes.