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Senate Democrats failed to advance voting rights legislation, losing 52-48, with black Democratic senators having to show their driver’s license and a second form of ID.

A West Virginia tv reporter was struck by a car during a live news segment about a water main break. The woman driving the car stopped to apologize, then went further up the block to score her meth.

Jury selection began in the trial of three Minneapolis police officers who stood by as fellow officer Derek Chauvin murdered George Floyd. So far, several jury candidates have been dismissed who either can’t say or spell the word “guilty” in one or two seconds.

An investigation found retired Pope Benedict XVI lied about having no knowledge of priest sexual abuse during his oversight of the Diocese of Munich in the 70s & 80s. So he went to confession and forgave himself because that’s how Catholicism rolls.

Khloe Kardashian is getting dragged on social media for selling her 3-year-old daughter’s used clothing online, with some items priced at $150 – or more, if the creeps buying ’em know they haven’t been washed.

19-year-old Zara Rutherford became the youngest woman to complete a solo round-the-world flight. She thanked her sponsors and the air traffic controllers who listened for hours as she discussed boys and girls she doesn’t like.

A third person in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania died after an Italian restaurant was found to be transmitting hepatitis A. As in “A, you no like-a the manicotti??”

Dolly Parton turned 76 on Wednesday, and the current iteration of her boobs turned 19.

Meghan Linsey, a runner-up on The Voice in 2015, got married. “Who?” asked Blake Shelton, Adam Levine & Kelly Clarkson.

A woman in Chester County, Pennsylvania was rescued after being stuck in the bathroom for four days. Her dinner date left.

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Norway’s worst mass murderer in the nation’s history appeared at his parole hearing and started it with a Nazi salute, which the parole board called “a real time-saver”.

Philadelphia now requires vaccination for indoor dining. Those without proper vaccine status are encouraged to go to North Philly where they can be shot twice in no time.

U.S. communications providers Verizon and AT&T delayed the deployment of 5G signals near airports due to the risk of interference with aircraft instruments, though it won’t interfere with Spirit Airlines tin can-and-string communication systems.

Cracker Barrel was ordered to pay a customer $9.4 million for serving a glass of cleaning chemicals instead of water, permanently damaging his throat. They’re also being criticized for their first aid response, which involved stuffing his mouth with biscuits to soak up the chemical.

Saturnino de la Fuente, Guinness record holder as World’s Oldest Man, died in Spain at the age of 112 years, 341 days. Guinness contacted de la Fuente’s family to ask if they wouldn’t mind shipping the plaque to some other old dude.

A Japanese man with a graduate degree in physics rents himself out to ‘do nothing’ with strangers at a rate of $90 for several hours. He plans to emigrate to the United States and raise his rate to $174,000/year as a member of the Senate.

A Tesla owner was charged with felony manslaughter after putting the car on autopilot, driving through a red light and killing the occupants of another vehicle. The driver pled not guilty, and the car hired its own lawyer.

Texas rapper Sad Frosty died unexpectedly at age 24. First responders were unable to revive him by placing an old silk hat they found on his head.

The Taliban ordered all shop owners to behead their mannequins, because they’re “idols” banned by Islam. Shop owners are struggling to find cantaloupes so they can properly display hooded sweatshirts.

A woman posted on TikTok that her husband prepared “hormone food” to remedy her infertility, and that she’s now pregnant. She credits the delicious meals which she ate during lunches with the teenager who cleans their pool.

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A U.S. man claims a bout with COVID shrunk his penis by one-and-a-half inches. His girlfriend believes he may be Patient Zero since it was that size when she met him four years ago.

Google changed the ‘white noise’ played on its Google Nest home speakers, leading to lots of disgruntled noise, mostly from white people.

Internet service in Tonga was interrupted by a tsunami, which locals named ‘Xfinity’.

In the wake of a hostage situation at a Texas synagogue, the FBI warned that faith-based organizations will continue to be targets of violence. “Well, that settles it, I’m done with church” said kids playing video games on Sunday morning.

Supermodel Bella Hadid opened up about her debilitating mental health struggles, which include figuring out how to download Instagram off of the App Store.

Employees at fitness company Peloton say that a sales slowdown and cost-cutting are driving down morale to an all-time low, despite spandex-clad managers yelling “Come on Peloton! You can do it!” dozens of times each day.

Full House actress Jodie Sweetin is getting married for the fourth time. To save money on postage she just handed out the invitations at Bob Saget’s funeral.

Doctors have identified a genetic risk factor for COVID patients who lose their taste & smell – specifically, inheriting the genes of idiot parents who also didn’t want vaccines.

The hedge fund which owns 5% of Kohl’s department store is demanding changes to the executive team and board of directors. The executives regret allowing the hedge fund to accumulate so much Kohl’s Cash.

Hamsters are being euthanized in Hong Kong over COVID fears. The hamsters are attempting to run but aren’t getting further than tubes and large wheels.

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Following allegations of sex at Jeffrey Epstein’s home with a 17-year-old girl, Britain’s Prince Andrew has been stripped of his military titles. Andrew will no longer be officially addressed as Captain Horndog.

The Biden Administration will make face masks free for all Americans, delighting poor families whose kids will trick-or-treat as ‘Surgeon’ next Halloween.

An ‘exquisite’ 2,000-year-old Roman figure was found during a railway excavation in the United Kingdom – next to a ‘nefarious’ 2,000 year old figure of a mustached guy in a black top hat & cape who tied her there.

Female Walmart truck drivers filed a class action lawsuit over the company requiring them to wear mens pants on the job. The suit asks that they be allowed to dress more like Walmart customers, and wear no pants.

Rapper Meek Mill, actor Kevin Hart and Philadelphia 76ers co-owner Michael Rubin donated $15 million to defray costs at Philadelphia parochial & private schools, in case you were wondering where Father Michael got that new Lexus.

Retired player & NFL analyst Bart Scott recommended Buffalo Bills QB Josh Allen take Viagra to improve blood flow during Saturday’s playoff game, where temps will be in the single-digits. The idea was rejected by Mitch Morse, the Bills center who’s bent over snapping the ball to Allen.

The new BD Veritor COVID test allows you to digitally share your results with contacts. They’re also working on an STD test, where you’ll probably want to disable the contact-sharing until you see the results first.

Researchers discovered over 60 million “breeding nests” of Antarctic icefish on the floor of the frigid Weddell Sea. They were located after sonar detected Barry White songs coming from the icefish late-night breeding playlist.

Cannabis use can prevent COVID-19 infection, according to a new study which followed hundreds of stoners who weren’t leaving their house anyway.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ contestant Clint Arlis died at age 34. Bachelorettes placed roses on his grave, but added that doesn’t mean they want to make out with him again.

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Melania Trump is auctioning a hat and ‘two other personal items’ at a minimum starting bid of $250,000. “I’m out” said a Florida lottery winner after learning neither of the ‘personal items’ are socks or underwear.

A new tequila brand, Flecha Azul, is being launched by actor Mark Wahlberg, golfer Abraham Ancer, and entrepreneur Aron Marquez – Marky Mark & the Drunky Bunch.

Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa are getting divorced. They issued a statement saying their marriage is no Momoa.

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly annouced they’re getting married, and sealed their commitment by drinking each other’s blood. Their four kids from previous relationships said it made for a pretty weird celebration dinner at Olive Garden.

Comcast/Xfinity said they’ve successfully lab-tested the first multigigabit cable modem. Then they fired the engineers whose hard-drives were loaded with the entirety of Pornhub.

My Pillow CEO and Trumper conspiracy theory crackpot Mike Lindell says he has ‘enough evidence’ to put ‘300 million’ Americans in jail. He says it’s nothing to do with the 2020 election, it’s because My Pillows have tiny cameras in them.

Steve Harvey blamed ‘cancel culture’ as the reason he may never do another standup comedy special. ABC announced the cancellation of Judge Steve Harvey.

Canon home printers are rejecting new Canon ink cartridges since they lack authenticating microchips due to a global shortage. Customers are so angry, they’re magenta in the face.

Conor McGregor’s Dublin, Ireland bar, The Black Forge, was attacked with Molotov cocktails by vandals Wednesday night. Fortunately, there was no damage since Irish drunks were able to drink them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend is expected to testify before a grand jury amidst allegations Gaetz engaged in sex trafficking and sex with underaged women. The grand jury will convene on an afternoon when the 14-year-old isn’t babysitting.

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Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

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A Des Moines, Iowa mailman rescued an elderly woman who’d fallen in the snow in sub-zero temperatures but couldn’t stand. He helped her to her feet, then slid her through the door of the wrong house.

Police arrested a truck driver for luring what he thought was a 15-year-old girl to a rented shower at a Flying J truck stop in Altoona, Iowa. He’d actually been communicating with undercover cops, who let him finish his shower because he really needed it.

A prominent Alabama anti-vaxxer, Christopher Key, urged followers to drink their own urine to cure or prevent COVID-19. He published his findings next to a coupon for raspberry Crystal Light.

Retired porn actress Jenna Jameson was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre syndrome, a rare, but curable, neurological condition, after she was unable to walk. Jameson said she hasn’t felt this way since just about every movie she ever made.

The City of Chicago reached a deal with its public school teachers union for safety rules that will allow in-person learning. The rules include expanded COVID testing and limiting handgun use to recess.

A genetically altered pig heart was transplanted to a human recipient. The patient is stable, but changed his post-mortem directive from “cremated” to “smoked”.

A bride in Australia video-recorded her efforts to contract COVID so her February 5th wedding would go on as planned. Her fiance questioned why she needed so many different guys to catch the virus.

Four people died of Hepatitis A after eating at Famous Anthony’s restaurants, a small chain in Virginia. They plan an aggressive relaunch as Infamous Anthony’s.

NASA said space debris will definitely slam into the James Webb Space Telescope – mostly Solo cups and spoiled guacamole after the International Space Station’s Super Bowl party.

Actress Tori Spelling took to Instagram to announce “every single member” of her family tested positive, with varying degrees of symptoms, of COVID-90210.

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A scientist in Cyprus claims to have identified a ‘DeltaCron’ variant of COVID-19, combining Delta & Omicron traits. It has Omicron’s spike proteins and Delta’s blue eyes.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania bowling alley manager was assaulted by customers. The assailants struck the manager 12 straight times, recording a perfect game before fleeing.

NBC Today show anchors Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb both tested positive for COVID-19, as Al Roker asked viewers what variant they were sick with in their neck of the woods.

Take Two Interactive, maker of the Grand Theft Auto videogames, is acquiring Zynga, maker of Farmville mobile video games, for $12.7 billion. They plan to launch Grand Theft Tractor, and bring more drug dealers and prostitutes to the farm.

Demi Lovato debuted a new spider tattoo on the side of their shaved head, writing with the photo that the “grandmother spider.. taught us about poetry and weaving..fire, light and dark”. Doctors are checking to see how much of the ink leeched into her brain.

Four NFL teams fired their head coaches, and each team will begin their search by interviewing the three fired guys who didn’t work for them.

NFL insiders call the day head coaches get fired Black Monday – as opposed to the day new coaches get hired, Caucasian Weekday.

An Arizona software company offers new hires $5,000 if they decide they don’t like the company and want to quit after two weeks. Most workers stay, but the company is trying to do a better job screening crackheads who can code.

Citing poor earnings amidst the pandemic, Lululemon share prices dropped faster than their yoga pants in a porno movie.

PayPal is exploring its own cryptocurrency, which you can use to confuse your friend who will wonder if you really did pay back that money you owed them.

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A change in your walking gait could be an early sign of dementia. Especially if it’s a change caused by not knowing where in the hell you walked to.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stefon Diggs was stranded in the city after his Ferrari got stuck in the snow. It was towed to safety, immediately after two Bills fans jumped off the top of it and through a folding table stored in the tow truck.

Novak Djokovic remains in a “deportation hotel” in Australia pending a determination whether he can play in the Australian Open. Djokovic refused vaccination, but Australia reversed its decision to allow him entry, so it’s technically a double-fault.

A new language has been created in the Pacific Northwest, called Protactile, used by deaf/blind people to communicate through touch. The first phrase ever developed was “I want to talk to you. Did you wash your hands?”.

Nicolas Cage and wife Riko Shabata are expecting a baby, which he’s expected to also surrender to the IRS for back payment of debt.

The makers of Nintendo racing game Mario Kart said the next installment – Mario Kart 9 – could come as early as this year with “a new twist”. They wouldn’t elaborate further except to say that you can drive a hearse for the first time.

The NFL is exploring contingency plans to move the Super Bowl from California to Texas if Los Angeles imposes further COVID restrictions. Halftime performers Snoop and Dr Dre say they could rap with masks on, with no change in white viewers understanding them.

U.S. airlines cancelled over 1,000 flights for the 12th straight day. Spirit Airlines is putting some cancelled short-flight passengers on Greyhound buses and betting they won’t really know the difference.

Aaron Babbitt – husband of deceased January 6th rioter Ashli Babbitt – said she wouldn’t have died if he was there with her because he would have “picked up on red flags”. Like, for instance, the “stop or I’ll shoot” red flag.

A November letter from imprisoned Subway spokesman Jared Fogle was leaked to the media. Fogle wrote that he works out regularly, and is in the best shape of his life. He signed off by wishing the recipient good luck in her 7th grade Christmas pageant.