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January 6th rioter Jenna Ryan, a realtor who said she was “definitely not going to jail”, was sentenced to a jail term. Ryan now says she’s “definitely not going to be assaulted in jail”.

Another tough week for rappers – following the deaths of 8 people at Travis Scott’s Astroworld Festival, 10 people died of anaphylactic shock at Popeye’s after eating Megan Thee Stallion’s Hottie Sauce.

An Astroworld Festival planning document instructed security & others to call dead concertgoers “Smurfs”, not “dying” or “deceased”. EMTs called the event the “Smurfiest” they’ve seen, while pronouncing multiple young men & women “Smurf”.

Julia Thompson, 11, had eaten nothing but chicken nuggets her entire life and was diagnosed with ARFID – avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. She was successfully treated and now eats other foods thanks to a hypnotherapist, who made her believe she was a chicken.

Anchor Brian Williams is leaving MSNBC and NBC News. Williams, whose career suffered a setback when he embellished personal stories in interviews, says he needs time off to continue being Batman.

McDonald’s is debuting the ‘Mariah Carey Menu’ next month. Carey said her signature to-go order is a cheeseburger, which she orders with extra pickles, and five extra cheeseburgers.

The creator of Squid Game said a second season is coming, but it’s taking a while to properly film people getting shot playing Duck Duck Goose.

European women’s soccer player Aminata Diallo is accused of ordering an assault on teammate Kheira Hamraoui to give herself more playing time. Diallo has been suspended by Paris Saint-Germain head coach Geoffrie Gilloolie.

Scientists studying murder hornet attacks say honeybees make a noise to alert other bees in the hive of danger. They say the honeybees noise loosely translates to “get the guns”.

Roughly 1 million U.S. kids aged 5-11 will have their first COVID vaccine by the end of the day Wednesday, while several million more will be doing their own research listening to the L’il Joey Rogan podcast.

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Eight concertgoers died in a crowd surge at Travis Scott’s Astroworld festival in Houston. Travis Scott Meals at McDonald’s now contain business cards from Rand Spear and Morgan & Morgan.

Travis Scott’s pregnant girlfriend Kylie Jenner was unhurt, citing protection from her sturdy front & rear bumpers.

According to a new book from ABC White House Correspondent Jon Karl, Donald Trump threatened to leave the Republican Party after his 2020 defeat, to join forces with Mike Lindell and form the Pillow Fight Party.

Republicans called a COVID vaccination Tweet from Big Bird “propaganda”. Oscar the Grouch & Aaron Rodgers consulted with Joe Rogan on how best to address their vaccination status.

State Farm pulled back on ads featuring Aaron Rodgers over the weekend, switching to ads featuring customers thanking “Jake” for their great home & auto rates while hooked up to ventilators.

Archaeologists unearthed slave quarters in the ancient city of Pompeii, that contained beds, harnesses, and the worst wifi reception ever.

Macaulay Culkin was a surprise model in a Gucci fashion show. Culkin walked the makeshift runway on Hollywood Boulevard, but several other models left with foot injuries from stepping on toy cars and light bulbs.

State Street Global Advisors, one of the world’s largest investment firms, announced managers will need ‘special permission’ to hire white males as part of their diversity & inclusion initiative. Five white guys have already been fired after Bosom Buddy-ing their way past H.R.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad author Robert Kiyosaki continues to predict a giant, inflation-driven recession, adding there are only three safe investments: gold, silver & Bitcoin. Kiyosaki gave the prediction on his new podcast with Scrooge McDuck.

An 89-year-old man completed his third doctorate degree. Those attending his latest PhD thesis presentation said they’ve seen people fall asleep before, but never the presenter.

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Tonga recorded its first case of COVID-19. They would restrict visitors but nobody knows where it is to begin with.

Democratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema is reportedly receiving huge donations from multi-level marketing companies. Sinema is refusing to support infrastructure bills until Speaker Nancy Pelosi buys something at her Mary Kay party.

A man using a metal detector in East Norfolk, England found the largest trove of Anglo-Saxon gold coins, dating back to 630 A.D. He’ll add this to his massive find of bottle caps, dating back to a graduation party in June.

The American Journal of Public Health claims a habit of drinking sweetened sodas causes premature aging. Some coroners have already ordered autopsy forms with ‘Mountain Dew’ pre-printed in the Cause of Death section.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson claims he understands opioid addicts now, after being medicated for an emergency back surgery early this week. No further details were given, but it’s believed Carlson’s back broke from the weight of his being so full of shit.

After closing 600 stores during the pandemic, Starbucks announced plans to open as many 500 new locations in hospital intensive care units.

Will Smith said he fell in love with co-star Stockard Channing while ‘method acting’ during their filming of Six Degrees of Separation. His love was unrequited, as Channing remained in love with Kenickie while ‘method acting’ a decade earlier in Grease.

Megan Thee Stallion shared pics on Instagram, posing in a thong and adding “showed my a** and still went to class”, as she prepares to get her diploma from Texas Southern University on December 11th. She’ll become the school’s first ever Valetwerktorian.

No camera crews from Kim Kardashian’s new Hulu show were present at her dinners with comic Pete Davidson on Staten Island. So Kim fired the camera crew.

New York & Chicago are reportedly paying children $100 each to get COVID vaccines, as reports emerge of 2nd graders ‘making it rain’ at lavish playground parties with dancers spinning on monkey bars.

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A 98-year-old COVID-19 victim’s cadaver was dissected without his family’s permission, in a ticketed public autopsy for medical professionals held at the Portland Marriott. The family may sue, as will the people who mistakenly walked in looking for the wedding reception in the next ballroom.

Lawyers for the weapons handler on ‘Rust‘ – Alec Baldwin’s film project where a cinematographer was killed – allege possible sabotage by someone placing a live bullet in a prop handgun. They say this isn’t the only sabotage – someone tried casting Andy Dick in the movie.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly unvaccinated. The bad news is he’ll miss this weekend’s game, the good news is State Farm ads have been quarantined for 14 days.

‘Diana: The Musical’, about the life of Princess Diana, previewed on Broadway to negative reviews, with some calling it “a train wreck that ends in a car wreck”.

Fat cells have been found to play a central role in cognitive decline, according to the new ‘Fat, Dumb & Happy’ study.

A 4-year-old Australian girl missing for two weeks was found alive and returned safely to her family. A 36-year-old man was arrested and charged with her abduction, and Aussie police released the dingo-of-interest they’d held for questioning.

India marked the celebration of Diwali amidst air pollution so bad, residents asked “Who turned out the Festival of Lights?”

Nintendo of America cut forecast sales of its popular Switch gaming console, citing a global microchip shortage, and the release of an unexpectedly long Naughty list by Santa Claus.

Following the Alec Baldwin ‘Rust‘ film set shooting, Dwayne The Rock Johnson said he won’t use real guns in his movies anymore. The Rock’s demand will cause massive rewrites, delaying the production of Disney’s ‘The Tooth Fairy 3’.

A new paper published in the environmental journal Nature claims large whales poop much more than scientists previously thought. The conclusion was reached by observing sharks, disgusted at whale behavior ruining their dinner parties.

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The New Jersey race for Governor is too close to call, and may take up to a week to determine which candidate won, and which gets whacked.

An Israeli court halted the auction of a tattoo kit, described by the seller as having been used on inmates at Auschwitz. The legality and authenticity are in question, since the tattoo templates are of a fighting leprechaun.

Facebook is ending its use of facial recognition technology, saying it will eliminate the face-recognition templates of over 1 billion people, and 50 million cats & dogs.

Zillow plans to lay off 25% of their workforce now that they’ve stopped buying and selling houses. The workers saw huge declines in their salary Zestimates.

Boston elected Michelle Wu as Mayor, the first woman and first person of color to hold the office. Things got off to a rough start during her victory speech when she said she can’t wait to sing ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ for the Boston Celtics.

ISIS activity poses a threat to the new Taliban government in Afghanistan. “Yeah, maybe we sit this one out” said the United States.

Early reviews say Marvel’s ‘Eternals‘ debuts the first sex scene in the 13-year history of the Marvel Cinematic Universe – a claim disputed by purists insisting there’s a deleted scene of Ant-Man in the Wasp’s pants.

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station ate tacos made with green chiles grown in space. The leftovers will be returned to Earth and served at a public school cafeteria’s Taco Tuesday in 2025.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos reportedly had a lengthy dinner conversation with comedian Kevin Hart, to gauge Hart’s interest in offending the LGBTQ community.

Bravo announced a new ‘Housewives‘ spinoff series, ‘Real Housewives of Dubai‘. The kicker is, all the wives are married to the same guy.

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A viral image of black-licorice-flavored Oscar Mayer ‘Halloweiners’ proved to be fake, disappointing fans of black licorice, and disappointing even more fans of black weiners.

30,000 visitors were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland for hours after one visitor tested positive for COVID-19. The park reported no other COVID infections, although several people stuck on ‘It’s A Small World’ took their own life.

Despite Microsoft’s warnings that new operating system Windows 11 will only work on newer PCs with fast processors and ample memory, a man got it running on a 15-year-old computer. He intends to prove it once the PC finishes booting up in 8 months.

Nearly 90 countries joined a global pact to reduce methane gas. India has not yet agreed – as cows frantically pack their sh*t and try to move there.

A Texas bar is refusing to allow customers to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on the jukebox until December 1st. After that, it will abort playback of the song after four weeks.

Citing the challenging environment for Internet content providers, Yahoo! is pulling out of China. This, according to the company’s outgoing director of international operations, Ya Hu.

Space X’s Crew Dragon craft has a toilet leak, which will require four astronauts to use “undergarments” instead. However, due to global & extraterrestial supply chain issues, the undergarments won’t arrive in space for several months.

Scientists studying plants growing in Chile’s Atacama Desert – the world’s harshest non-polar desert – believe it holds the key to curing climate-related famine: eating cactus and tumbleweeds.

A new blood test can reportedly spot up to 50 different types of cancer – developers are working on a better name for the test than its current one: 49 Killer Flavors.

Kim Kardashian had a “fashion emergency” at a NYC awards show when a zipper broke on her outfit. Everyone was stunned to learn it was a zipper in the front.

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Amazon is adding a $9.95 fee for Whole Foods grocery deliveries. The fee is to replace the organic produce that rots in the time it takes to deliver.

Donald & Melania Trump attended World Series Game 4 in Atlanta. Melania was hoping to grab a couple foul balls for the first time since Barron was conceived.

The National Women’s Soccer League Players Association reached an agreement with league officials in the wake of sexual misconduct scandals involving former team coaches. Future allegations will be investigated by a committee comprised of players, a league officer, a team official, and – if they ever get one – a season ticket holder.

A Minnesota man accused in the murder of three family members has been declared unfit for trial, with doctors citing mental health issues caused by energy drink abuse. “This man isn’t a Rockstar, he’s a Monster” said his attorney.

Ice Cube backed out of a $9 million movie role because he refused to get vaccinated. Cube clarified, saying the movie co-starred Alec Baldwin and he didn’t want to get shot.

Amorphophallus decus-silvae, a rare ‘penis plant’, bloomed for the first time in 25 years at a botanical garden in Europe. All it took was one of the female gardeners kissing it.

Caroline Lee, a Florida ‘Teacher Of The Year’, was arrested for punching a female student in the face, causing a bloody nose. Lee is expected to return for Parent/Teacher Conference Night, where she will “take on all comers”.

The Coca-Cola Company acquired sports drink maker Bodyarmor for $5.6 billion. They’ll take on PepsiCo’s market-leading Gatorade in the battle for drinks consumed mainly by obese people watching sports.

NASCAR driver Kyle Busch apologized for calling the dangerous actions of fellow driver Brad Keselowski “r*tarded” – thus offending the delicate sensibilities of millions of culturally elite NASCAR fans.

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez and Ben’s ex Jennifer Garner reportedly crossed paths while taking their kids trick-or-treating, as the limos taking the kids from house-to-house lightly tapped fenders.

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The FDA ordered stronger warnings to patients receiving breast implants, advising of the risks from possible lymphoma, and further risks from rupture of the implants, bras, t-shirts & sweaters.

The FDA warnings will be printed on boxes containing the implants, because apparently savvy boob shoppers buy them at Big Lots before taking them to a surgeon for installation.

Facebook changed its corporate name to Meta, emphasizing its shift to the Metaverse, an immersive virtual reality where you have hundreds of friends, but only a handful like anything you do there.

A Broward County, Florida school board member organized an elementary school field trip to visit Rosie’s, a famous area gay bar. Outraged parents questioned the trip, before realizing how many of the kids now have offers for after-school server & kitchen jobs.

‘Jenny’, a half-mile long trapping system, removed 63,000 pounds of trash from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch – now it will be recalibrated to remove things other than ThighMasters and old VHS porno movies.

South Korean intelligence services report North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un has lost 20 kilograms, but remains healthy. He’s practicing KETO – Killing Every Treasonous Opponent.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania woman gave birth to a baby boy while in a car on Interstate 476. Labor took around 10 minutes, but would have been even faster if she had EZ Pass.

After a video showing an unknown woman exiting the back of his delivery van went viral, Amazon terminated the driver. He then received an email from the woman estimating his severance package will be delivered in about nine months.

Joe Biden is considering $450,000 payments to families separated at the U.S.’ southern border. But they’ve already rejected dozens of claims from lazy millennials seeking to cash in by walking around El Paso asking where their parents are.

Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was charged with misdemeanor sexual misconduct. Cuomo will respond to the charges once he meets with and fondles his attorney.

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An American Airlines flight from New York to Los Angeles was diverted when an unruly passenger assaulted a flight attendant. The flight landed in Denver, in a Home Depot parking lot so the crew could buy duct tape.

An inexpensive generic antidepressant, fluvoxamine, may reduce the risk of severe COVID-19 – or at least make patients a bit happier about getting it.

Snoop Dogg and Eminem are no longer feuding. The two fought since Snoop left Eminem off his list of 10 Greatest Rappers. Snoop apologized, saying Eminem belongs on the list, but to make room he must make a difficult phone call to Vanilla Ice.

Researchers remain puzzled by the origin of mummies found in China in the 1990s, all of them buried in boats in the middle of a desert. Although the researchers do agree that the people in the boats got pretty bad directions to the yacht club.

Sitting Bull’s great grandson has been identified using a new DNA technique. He’s been positively identified as Sitting Around Playing Video Games Bull.

A new study finds drinking coffee reduces the risk of developing kidney stones. And that, for people who already have them, it could decrease them from two lumps to one.

A Kentucky high school is under investigation for a pageant where students wear little clothing and give lap dances to teachers and staff. Participants defended the tradition, calling it “Kentucky occupational training”.

Great white sharks vision can’t tell a difference between seals and humans swimming or surfing, according to a new study. Human attacks may be a case of “mistaken identity” with seals, or a case of humans with enough blubber to be seals.

The United Nations released a new video warning of the effects of climate change, starring a talking animatronic dinosaur. Afghanistan’s UN Ambassador walked out on the video because it was an uncovered female dinosaur.

Three elementary schools near Syracuse, New York banned ‘Squid Game‘-themed Halloween costumes, citing the violent nature of the series, and a dozen recess deaths during Red Light/Green Light and Tug-of-War.

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Hospitals are gouging families by charging extra for routine childbirth by classifying them as “emergencies”. The families are challenging the bills, saying the newborns should be classified as “accidents”.

Delphi, an artifcial intelligence built to answer ethical questions, is being exposed as racist. Asked to describe ‘a white man walking toward you at night’, Delphi replied “it’s okay”, but said “it’s concerning” when describing a black man approaching. Delphi also wanted to know “what is walking?”

Democrats unveiled a new plan to tax billionaires to pay for a massive infrastructure spending bill. For instance, every time Jeff Bezos drives over the Golden Gate Bridge, it costs $75 million dollars.

Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine was authorized by the FDA for use on children ages 5 through 11. Democrats unveiled a new multi-billion-dollar spending plan to bribe children to get the vaccine with ice cream and video games.

Google releases their new Pixel 6 phones this week, much to the dismay of wives & girlfriends wishing their cheapskate husbands & boyfriends would just get an iPhone.

A toilet tube broke on Space X’s Crew Dragon civilian flight, spraying urine. Donald Trump asked how soon he and several female Russian cosmonauts could book a trip.

Excessive drinking during the pandemic is leading to a surge in liver transplants. Fortunately, excessive drinking & driving during the pandemic is keeping up the supply of available livers.

The Cleveland Clinic is testing a new breast cancer vaccine. However, they caution women to ignore emails requesting pictures of their breasts to see if they qualify.

The CDC added ‘mood disorders’ to the list of high-risk conditions for COVID-19. Women in marriages over 10 years should seek booster shots because they’re rarely in the mood.

A brawl erupted at a dog show for ‘bully breeds’ , with multiple men & women engaged in fistfights and chair throwing. The melee delayed the start of the show, which featured pit bulls dodging chairs & punches to maul men & women.