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A tourist from London visiting the Jersey Shore was impaled in her lower leg by a flying beach umbrella. When New Jerseyans heard a woman was impaled, they offered her sunscreen.

  • After her bleeding was stopped, the woman was rushed to the Jersey Shore Critical Care Center – which is a casino nurse’s office where they take old people whose oxygen tanks run out while they’re playing slots.

Skytrax’ World Airline Awards named Singapore Airlines the best in the world. “Well, then let’s take them to see the grandkids in Louisiana!” said an old man in Arkansas who doesn’t understand how airlines work.

President Trump attempted to walk back his press conference remarks about Russian election meddling, stating he meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia” but instead he said ‘would’.  He compared it to 2005, when he told Melania he would be banging a porn star at a golf tournament when he meant to say wouldn’t.

Instagram user @magbody mistakenly congratulated plus-size supermodel Ashley Graham on her ‘baby bump’, when Graham isn’t pregnant. Graham replied that the bump was fat, and @magbody told Graham to stop saying her unborn baby is fat.

Florida’s coastal seaweed bloom could be the worst in history – hurting beach tourism, smothering sea turtle hatchlings and emitting a horrible odor. Wildlife officials have a plan in place to get rid of it, they’re just waiting for a big enough sinkhole to throw it in.

A woman who believed that her doctor touched her inappropriately during an office visit set up a hidden camera on her next visit. She showed the video to police and Dr. James Dyess, 57, was charged with sexual battery. Dyess was taken into custody and asked for a copy of the video.

A new study in Journal of Psychological Science claims 40 percent of people have a “first memory” that is fictional. Scientists claim that most first memories date from 3 years of age or older, and urge parents to stop blowing money taking 2-year-olds to Disney World.

Google announced that Nest home security products CEO Marwan Fawaz is leaving the company, as Nest products are moved under the Google Home Division. Google said Fawaz isn’t leaving the Nest, the Nest is leaving him.

Apple unveiled 70 new emojis to mark World Emoji Day on Tuesday – including new redheads, bald heads, and an expression to show how much harder it is to find the emoji you want.

A Florida woman was arrested after her pet spider monkey, ‘Spanky’, was accused of attacking Home Depot employees.  The Home Depot worker claims the monkey jumped from a shopping cart and grabbed him, leaving marks on his neck. Spanky claims the worker purposely sold him the wrong socket wrench.

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Jennifer McIver, a Colorado Mom, shared a story on Facebook about her 3-year-old daughter locking herself in their new LG front-loading washing machine, and her 4-year-old son starting it. The daughter was unhurt, but they’re asking LG to put locks on washer doors. The son was rewarded for washing his sister on Delicate, but she came out with even bigger stains on her pants than when she went in.

A 27-year-old woman went into labor while riding Kilimanjaro Safaris at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. She delivered the baby shortly thereafter via FastPass, but two triplet siblings were told to expect at least a 90-minute wait.

Tinder – which doesn’t allow daters to send photos to each other – are conducting a test in Canada and Mexico where users can send personal Bitmoji to one another. Tinder users are busily figuring out how to create Bitmoji of their genitals and breasts.

Microsoft and Walmart announced a strategic partnership to take on Amazon in technology and retail. It’s called Let’s Spend Billions And Still Lose.

Do Thi Duc, a researcher in Berlin, studied 208 million public transactions made over Venmo during the past year, because most users never change the default setting that makes activity public. Nearly 3 million transactions involved pizza, and 10 million involved the weed emoji, so she assumed they were payments to landscapers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin presented U.S. President Donald Trump with a ceremonial World Cup soccer ball at a joint press conference. Trump tossed it to his wife, marking the first time Melania handled one of Trump’s balls since conceiving Barron.

Archaeologists in Jordan found what they claim is 14,000-year-old flatbread – which went uneaten because everyone at dinner was on the Paleo diet.

Netflix posted disappointing results, adding only 674,000 new subscribers in the second quarter, versus a forecast of 1.2 million. Shareholders rated it one star and skipped to the third quarter episode.

Fans were shocked as MTV snubbed Taylor Swift in all major categories of its Video Music Awards. Her fans stated their intent to stop watching music videos on MTV, in the event they ever start showing them again.

An airborne blob of lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano struck a lava-watching tour boat off the eastern coast of Hawaii’s big island, injuring 23 people but really giving them their money’s worth.

 

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Supermodel Kate Upton and husband Justin Verlander announced that they’re expecting a baby. Elon Musk delivered Upton a specially-engineered nursing bra.

Police in Fairfax County, Virginia said that the driver of a 710-horsepower McLaren 720S luxury sports car totaled it one day after it was purchased for $288,000.  The driver survived, but is still upset at having insured the car with The General.

Twitter undertook a large-scale purge of suspicious accounts, with Katy Perry and Justin Bieber each losing 2.5 million followers.  Meanwhile your Mom picked up 3 followers this week so she considers herself Twitter’s big star now.

Fernandina Beach, Florida reopened one day after two men were bitten by sharks. The men were treated and released, the sharks wrapped up vacation and returned to work at the beaches near Disney Orlando Resorts.

Papa John’s board of directors announced that Chairman John Schnatter, who admitted using the ‘n-word’ on a conference call, will be removed from all marketing materials. Schnatter was also removed from his office at Papa John’s headquarters. He’s said to be evaluating a new company with chef Paula Deen, specializing in white pizza.

Google Chrome angered users with its latest update by expanding its required memory usage on your computer. Google said Chrome just needed a bigger place to crash.

President Trump and Russian President Putin held their summit in Helsinki. Trump kicked off the festivities along with several scantily clad cheerleaders, shouting as Putin arrived.. “gimme a P..!”.

CVS is apologizing after a white male store manager called the police on a black woman customer who attempted to redeem a coupon. The manager doubted the authenticity of the woman’s coupon because it was less than two feet long.

Tim Tebow announced that he’s dating 2017 Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters. Tebow said he doesn’t expect her to go all the way….to Binghamton, New York, the upstate New York town where he plays Double-A baseball.

  • For her part, Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters said that both her hyphens, and her hymen, remain intact.

In Indonesia, an angry mob killed 300 crocodiles that were living in an animal sanctuary after crocs killed a 48-year-old man who had entered the crocs’ breeding pond. The sanctuary is promising to build stricter barriers, while the mob is enjoying their new belts, shoes and handbags.

 

 

 

 

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Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal has been linked by the Centers for Disease Control to 100 cases of salmonella in 33 states. Honey Smacks cartoon frog mascot Dig ‘Em has been hospitalized, and will be temporarily replaced by his cousin, Puke ‘Em.

  • Kellogg’s has recalled Honey Smacks, and new boxes will be issued with a free prize inside — Immodium pills.

Build-a-Bear locations were overwhelmed by the stores’ “Pay Your Age” promotion – with stuffed bear kits offered at $1/year of a child’s age – and turned away thousands of angry and disappointed families. EMTs were called to several locations where Bear employees were mauled by moms.

In Washington state, a robber broke into a business housing several ‘escape rooms’, but then called 911 when he couldn’t find a way out. Police arrested the burglar, 40-year-old Rye Wardlaw, and forced him to hold up signs reading “I’m a dummy” and “I couldn’t get out” for his booking photo.

At Wasco State Prison in California, a 66-year-old convicted child molester was beaten to death by a 19-year-old fellow inmate within days of his arrival. Prison officials are investigating. Kinda.

  • A spokesman for Welcome Wagon said that the 19-year-old prisoner’s franchise had been revoked.

President Trump and First Lady Melania arrived in London to meet with British Prime Minister Theresa May. Mr. Trump said that the infamous “Trump Baby” blimp flying above protests in London made him “uncomfortable”. Melania Trump said privately that the blimp holding her hand made her feel “embarrassed”.

Bill Cosby turned 81 on Thursday, celebrating with a party at his home featuring a jazz band. His wife Camille gave a toast, but then everybody asked if they could pour themselves a fresh drink before clinking glasses and drinking to the guest of honor.

A 35-year-old woman went to a Dijon, France emergency room complaining of a tingling sensation in her legs. Doctors x-rayed her, then found and removed a larval dog tapeworm lodged in her spine. The woman was given anti-parasitic medication and the tapeworm was returned to her favorite French restaurant.

Officials in Illinois and Ohio are investigating reports of food borne illness believed to be caused by McDonald’s salads. So far the illness has been found in zero people and hundreds of mice.

‘Roseanne’ was nominated for two Emmys —  Best Supporting Actress in a comedy for Laurie Metcalf; and an editing nomination.  A third Emmy, Best Decision To Cancel a Comedy, is still under consideration.

Preliminary pricing has been announced for Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin space tourism offering. Two sources state tickets will go between $200,000 and $300,000 – but carry-ons cost extra.

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Papa John’s Chairman John Schnatter resigned after saying the word “n*ggers” on a conference call. An unnamed source in the room with him claims he actually said it three times, but the first two times he was on Mute.

Porn star Stormy Daniels was arrested in Ohio on three misdemeanor charges of touching strip club patrons while nude onstage. Ohio law forbids strippers from touching customers while nude, unless it’s a “family member”. Daniels attorney said she was entrapped by officers who asked her to call them Daddy.

  • Daniels took two mugshots. One standard, and one bent over at the waist looking back at the camera over her shoulder.

Kylie Jenner appears on the cover of the latest Forbes magazine as she approaches becoming the U.S.’s youngest self-made billionaire. She said her next goal is to become a millionaire.

Facebook’s app is reportedly crashing on Android devices, as reported by panicked women whose selfies haven’t received “so beautiful” comments from the same four friends.

Google updated their Gboard keyboard app to allow users to communicate via Morse code. Google execs praised the new feature, which is designed to make communication easier for those with disabilities, Boy Scouts, and time-travelers to the 1940s.

Shridar Chillal, 82, of Pune, India – holder of the Guinness World Record for longest fingernails – cut them off and donated them after growing them for 66 years. They will be displayed in a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum in New York, after technicians clean off decades of food Chillal scraped from his teeth.

Instagram introduced an ‘Ask Me Anything’ feature, which allows users to place a ‘?’ sticker on their photos, allowing other users to ask open-ended questions. So far the most common question is “How do I delete Instagram?”

Scientists have discovered the brightest object in the universe, a quasar from when the universe was just 7 percent of its current age. The quasar exists at one end of the galactic spectrum; at the other, 23-year-old Kim Kardashian, who made a sex tape at 67 percent of her current age, known as the dimmest object in the universe.

Older people with higher blood pressure run a higher risk of Alzheimer’s. So quit bothering grandma because you are literally going to make her crazy.

The IRS says that over 350,000 Americans will be unable to obtain or renew passports because of unpaid taxes, although Donald and Melania are likely to get a waiver.

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Jada Pinkett Smith spoke on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ about her past sex addiction. She said she managed to get it under control by getting married.

Tesla plans to build an auto manufacturing plant in Shanghai that will make 500,000 autos per year, or about five per year for every teenager working there.

Colton Underwood, 26. a former NFL practice squad player, admitted on ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ that he’s still a virgin. ‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin told Underwood that she’s not a virgin, and has also spent considerable time around football players.

President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO Summit in Brussels, playing the role of the brother-in-law that nobody likes but still has to be invited to the wedding.

Instagram model Katarina Zatrutskie was being photographed floating above a pack of nurse sharks in the Bahamas when one shark attacked her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her underwater. Zatruskie freed herself, and immediately called for help from doctor sharks.

NFL player A.J. Francis angrily tweeted at the Transportation Security Administration for opening an urn containing his dead mother’s ashes and dumping them all over the inside of his suitcase during a checked bag inspection. The TSA apologized and offered Francis an official TSA Dustbuster.

Google is now referring to the different voices in its Assistant app by color.  But they’re fixing a bug where users seeking directions to bad neighborhoods are being talked out of going by the White Assistant.

Singer Cardi B. delivered a baby girl, Kulture Kiari Cephus, on Tuesday, via her Cardi V.

Microsoft introduced the Surface Go, a tablet competitor to the iPad. However, since it runs Windows instead of iOS or Android, the name stands for Go-ing on Closeout.

Consumer agency Technomic released its findings of the Cleanest Chain Restaurants in America. In the fast-casual category, Chick-fil-A was the cleanest.  In the somewhat-fast-slovenly category, Arby’s won by default.

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After a harrowing ordeal lasting almost three weeks, all 12 member boys and the coach of the Wild Boars soccer team have been successfully rescued from a flooded cave in Thailand. The Boars forfeited two games and took the pitch just in time to lose 72-0 on Monday night.

President Trump nominated Brett Kavanaugh to the open seat on the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh dislikes abortion, but likes guns, unfettered executive branch power, and long walks on the beach.

As Trump held a press conference introducing Kavanaugh, Stormy Daniels was stripping nearby at local club The Cloakroom. Her show charged $50, or $200 if you wanted to Daniels to sit on your bench.

Following an eight-year search, Australian researchers have captured a massive, 1,300 pound crocodile as it lurked near a boat ramp in a river.  The researchers said they wanted to capture and isolate it to prevent it from “interacting with humans” — noting that the croc is a Registered Toddler-Eating Offender.

  • The croc will now “be taken to a croc farm” in Australia’s Katherine region. “We’re getting the f**k out of here” said chickens currently residing on the farm.

A husband and wife participating in a Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines ‘Extreme Caribe Zip Line Tour’ collided while on the lines, killing the husband. Asked what safety measures were in place, the cruise’s tour director replied “zip”.

Todd, a golden retriever that defended its owner Paula Godwin from a rattlesnake, was invited as a guest of honor to an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. Todd and Godwin took the field before the game, but the dog left after two innings because he was bored.

Four young men swooped into an Apple store in Fresno, California, stealing $27.000 worth of Apple laptops and iPhones in under a minute. A man attempting to block the thieves from leaving the store was knocked over. The thieves remain at large, and the injured man returned to his station behind the Hero Bar.

Peggy Frank, a 63-year-old U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Southern California was found dead in her mail truck on Friday, while delivering mail in temperatures registering near 120 degrees. She could not be saved despite resuscitation attempts by paramedics and people wondering where their Social Security checks were.

The World Health Organization and the United Nations Health Agency reasserted their warnings that parents should moderate their kids’ video game play when gaming ‘takes over other activities’. However, the WHO and UN were roundly criticized by both the International Game Developers Association, and the makers of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

For the second time in as many days, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was heckled out of a restaurant by protesters. McConnell was clearly frustrated, but should have known there would be trouble when he saw more than one other customer in a Long John Silver’s.

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Starbucks pledged to eliminate plastic straws globally by 2020. Customers will be able to choose non-plastic straws, ‘strawless lids’, or having the barista just pour your drink down the front of your shirt and lap.

President Trump will name his newest nominee to the Supreme Court Monday night, at a televised press conference that is almost guaranteed to boost TV ratings for Monday Night Baseball.

A 55-year-old Florida man was arrested at a Chili’s restaurant in Vacaville, California for purposely exposing himself while seated at the bar. As he was led away in handcuffs, the man told officers “Chili’s in California are different than Florida.”

A missing 5-month-old infant was found buried alive under a pile of sticks in the Montana mountains. Police arrested the boyfriend of the baby’s mother for criminal endangerment, and also issued a court appearance citation to the beavers who own & operate Montana Mountain Child Care.

Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin. The couple confirmed the news on Instagram, will issue invitations on Instagram, marry on Instagram, and honeymoon on Instagram…but will probably be divorced in a Snap.

Tom Brady posted backyard video with his young son, showing his son attempting to catch him as he evades the son’s “pass rush” as the elder Brady wears a full helmet and pads. His son then hugs him, at which point Tom Brady yells at an off-camera official to call a late hit.

Costco is eliminating the Polish hot dog from its food court menu, causing customer outrage. A spokesman said the item created confusion with some of Costco’s dumber customers, who misread the sign and were arrested for indecency while polishing their hot dog.

Asian inventors released a video showing ‘Amphibio’, a large white mask for humans that they claim acts like a gill – allowing for underwater breathing, and for looking even more like an idiot when you drown .

Kim Kardashian visited a California women’s prison on Friday, meeting with 15 inmates to find out about their daily lives and their plans once they’re released.  Kardashian left with 14 marriage proposals, and 1 offer to smuggle in six kilos of heroin in her buttocks on her next visit.

Movie star heartthrob of the fifties and sixties Tab Hunter has died at age 86. No funeral arrangements have been announced, but the hope is that other actors will act as pallbearers to help pick up the Tab.

 

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Disney Imagineering has created autonomous 90-pound robots that can do airborne stunts like high-dives and trapeze work, although the robots’ union rep said they’re only working four-hour shifts and refuse to do any more Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Khloe Kardashian posted a photo with her new baby, True, along with a message saying that she’s nervous about returning to work. To which everyone in the world replied “what work?”

Scott Pruitt, head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, resigned amid months of allegations of legal and ethical violations. When Pruitt finished his resignation letter, President Trump said to just leave it on the pile.

The first hurricane of the year has been announced as Hurricane Beryl, as in ‘watch it barrel over the areas that just got done cleaning up from last year’s hurricanes’.

Singer Chris Brown was arrested after a concert in Florida; Brown had an outstanding arrest warrant for punching a photographer. He was released on a $2,000 cash bond, plus a $10,000 advance on bail for the other people he plans to punch.

U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar said that officials are racing against a federal judge’s extreme deadlines to reunite up to 3,000 detained migrant children with their parents. Azar said that the children had all been released from cages, but that it will take them some time to walk to get to their parents.

The latest fitness fad is exercising in a cold studio. Brrrn in New York City has studios with temperatures at 45, 55 and 60 degrees.  Or, across town, goons in the Meat Packing District will charge you $50/hour to lift sides of beef.

Mobile trivia game HQ Trivia introduced ‘Streaks’, where players who play multiple games in a row are rewarded with extra lives. They chose the name Streaks after they found their first choice, Dopes Without Friends and Lots Of Spare Time, was too wordy to fit on smartphone screens.

President Trump’s upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin is rumored to be one-on-one, with only Trump, Putin, and their translators present. Google Translate’s Russian/English site has seen a surge in users wanting to know how to say ‘hooker urine’ in Russian.

Luxury cruise line Crystal Cruises is touting its latest mega-cruise, a 105-day voyage on the Crystal Serenity. It departs Miami, and arrives in Italy, via exotic ports in Australia, Central America, Asia and Europe. The cost is over $40,000 per person, but that includes food, and you get to have a strain of norovirus named after you.

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A 2007 video from Jimmy Kimmel Live resurfaced. The video shows Andy Dick groping the leg of Ivanka Trump. In case you ever wondered what Andy Dick has in common with President Trump.

A Maryland man who bought legal fireworks in Pennsylvania was hospitalized after a mortar tube exploded, causing catastrophic injuries to both hands. The man is expected to start practicing with his new hooks by calling customer service at the fireworks store.

Amazon is expanding Prime Day to 36 hours. They got the idea when they realized that so many of their two-day shipping orders arrive in four days.

Authorities cleared visitors from the Statue of Liberty after a woman, Therese Okoumou, protesting the Trump Administration’s immigration policies climbed the base of the statue and refused to come down. She was eventually brought down and described by medical personnel as “tired, poor, and yearning to breathe free.”

Melania Trump reportedly earns six-to-seven figure royalties from a photo licensing deal with Getty Images, where her pictures are to be used only in “positive” news stories. When pressed about the exact sum Melania has made, a spokesperson said “almost as much as she made from her topless nude pics.”

Microsoft is planning to introduce ‘Dark Mode’ to its Outlook web mail service. The dark theme – originally introduced as a trial on Halloween – became a hit for its use with corporate clients announcing mass layoffs.

The Barton 1792 Distillery in Kentucky, which partially collapsed in June along with 9,000 barrels of bourbon, has now completely collapsed, officially making the catastrophe a double.

Kim Kardashian West tried wakeboarding on the 4th of July, sharing a video online with the caption “This is way harder than it looks!” — the same thing she said while filming her sex tape.

Netflix is reportedly testing out a new $16.99 “Ultra” tier of service.  “With PORN?” asks men. “No.” said Netflix. And men were sad.

Cities in the western U.S. like California and Nevada are so dry and concerned about brush fires that they cancelled 4th of July fireworks and replaced them with nighttime drone shows. But for old times’ sake, the drone are still blowing a few people’s fingers off.