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Alabamians decide between Republican Roy Moore and Democrat Doug Jones to see which man represents the state in the U.S. Senate. While some project a record turnout, others are not as confident, once residents learned that voting won’t count as credit toward their GED or community service.

Veteran NPR host Tom Ashbrook has been suspended for sexual misconduct, accused of giving “creepy sex talks and unwanted back and neck rubs” – made possible via a generous grant from Exxon/Mobil.

President Trump recorded a robocall endorsement of GOP candidate Moore that went out to Alabama residents on Sunday. It would have gone out sooner, but Trump said the robot didn’t meet him on the golf course like he’d asked.

Speaking at a pre-election rally, Roy Moore’s wife Kayla addressed critics who say her husband doesn’t support blacks or Jews by asserting that “one of our lawyers is a Jew.” And “I think a couple of our ‘Bama running backs are blacks.”

SpaceX is sending barley seeds to the International Space Station, as part of a research project for Budweiser. Although the astronauts conducting the research are asking that they be paid for it with “good” beer.

NFL Network suspended current studio analysts Marshall Faulk, Ike Taylor and Heath Evans after a former wardrobe stylist sued the network for sexual harassment. A judge in the case issued a gag order on puns involving “pass” “run” and “illegal use of hands.”

Facebook is reemphasizing the Poke, an early feature that users could click to get another Facebook friend’s attention. So go ahead and Poke that woman you’ve never met in real life and see how that works out for you.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson announced via Instagram that he and girlfriend Lauren Hashian are expecting a baby girl.  No word on the due date, just a teaser poster of the infant soaring out of the birth canal behind the wheel of a 600 horsepower Dodge Challenger.

Personal injury attorney Thomas J. Henry threw a $4 million dollar birthday party for his son’s 18th birthday, featuring celebrity appearances, performances by Diplo and Migos, and the gift of a new blue Ferrari. Asked if there was anything he didn’t get, the birthday boy said “a hug.”

President Trump signed an executive order to put U.S. astronauts back on the moon. Trump said “we will .. plant our flag and leave our footprint, then pull the flag out so I can finish putting.”

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A new study in medical journal Pediatrics finds that two children are injured every day by window blinds. 17,000 children were treated at emergency rooms between 1990 and 2015; most children were injured by falling blinds after telling parents it was “too goddamned bright in here for a nap.”

Apple is acquiring music app Shazam for $400 million. Apple plans integration with iTunes, so Shazam can tell you what songs were deleted when you backup your iPhone.

  • Shazam will still be able to identify songs in several seconds, but each new version will take 25 minutes to update.

Saudi Arabia is lifting its ban on movie theaters after 35 years. Movies will be preceded by a warning to patrons telling them to silence their cell phones and all of their wives.

  • The first feature film shown will be a Saudi-produced action drama about women called ‘The Expendables‘.

Several women who accused Donald Trump of inappropriate conduct appeared with Megyn Kelly on the Today show, right after Matt Lauer finished clearing out his office.

French company Lactalis is recalling baby formula after 25 French babies were made ill. The company suspects salmonella, or parents pairing formula with the wrong wine.

Starting next year, American Express card purchases will no longer require a signature – a move hailed by both illiterate people and dogs with above-average credit scores.

A 24-year-old woman caught smoking on a Southwest Airlines flight threatened to “kill everybody” when confronted by a flight attendant. The woman was restrained, and the flight attendants on board ‘killed everybody’ with a kooky skit they made up about it during the remainder of the flight.

A 15-year-old girl with seizure disorder was denied a laser-based brain surgery treatment by her insurer, Aetna, on the grounds that the treatment is unproven – despite it having FDA approval. Aetna defended their decision, saying their medical team has seen every episode of ‘House‘ and ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and still haven’t heard of it.

President Trump blasted a New York Times article claiming that he watches four to eight hours of TV every day, tweeting that if he spent that much time watching TV, there’s no way his Candy Crush scores could be as high as they are.

After a vicious hit left Houston Texans QB Tom Savage shaking on the playing field, he was evaluated on the sidelines and briefly reentered the game before being pulled. The NFL and NFL Players Association are both investigating the team’s handling of Savage’s concussion. Reached for comment, Savage said “what concussion?”

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Former nude model and current First Lady Melania Trump tweeted to honor ‘Pearl Harbor Heroes’, but typed in the wrong date, November 7, 1941 instead of December 7. Melania’s assistant explained that the November 7 date was intended for a different tweet, honoring the heroes of the Bergdorf Goodman November shoe sale.

A Delta flight from New York to Seattle had to make an unscheduled stop in Montana because the toilets stopped working. “They worked fine for me” said one passenger as he tossed out the remnants of three Taco Bell 5 Buck Boxes.

U.K. firefighters responded to a call to free a 22-year-old man who had cemented his head inside of a microwave while filming a YouTube stunt. The man was freed after an hour, and complained that his head was very hot in some spots, but still cold in others.

Discount retailer Dollar General plans to open 900 stores in 2018 — or more, depending on how fast they can get Sears and KMart to move out.

Anheuser-Busch ordered 40 electric trucks from Tesla; the brewing giant was impressed that the trucks could drive themselves, even while drunk.

Bitcoin hit a new record high of $17,000 on Friday, then dropped over $3,000 in value that same morning, worrying the new breed of currency speculators who work at Burger King.

Ford announced it’s investing $900 million in a Michigan plant to make self-driving cars. Once built, the cars will be evaluated on how long they can drive themselves around Detroit without getting stolen.

Amid the fallout from scandals involving Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Brett Ratner and others, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences approved new Standards of Conduct for members in the film and tv industries. Only now nobody wants to produce movies or tv shows anymore.

Police in the New York City suburb of Clarkstown are warning residents to stay away from a hybrid wolf/coyote, known as a ‘coywolf’. The animal weighs 75 pounds, has a grey coat, and has been asking pedestrians if they want to see his puppies in a van.

Arby’s is introducing the Arbynator, a french-fry filled sandwich. Arby’s now has the meats, has the potatoes, and has no more ideas.

The U.S. Economy added 228,000 jobs in November. The Labor Department cited growth in Manufacturing, Santa Clauses, and roles in tv ads with elves in them.

 

 

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It’s the currency speculating craze that everyone’s talking about! Especially people who know what “currency” and “speculate” mean. Of course, I am referring to Bitcoin. This week, the value of a single Bitcoin has soared from $9,000 earlier in the week, to over $16,000 today! And there is no end in sight. Not for me anyway.

A lot of you are worried about investing in Bitcoin. You needn’t worry, because I am here to share with you everything that I know and have learned about Bitcoin. And that’s more than just a Bit! Ha ha.

First, Bitcoin didn’t just fall off the armored currency truck into the news. It has been established for a loooooong time. How long? Would you believe that Bitcoin has been around just as long as Facebook has? That’s right. And can you remember a time when Facebook didn’t exist? No. I am sure that you can’t. I know I can’t. I love me some Facebook. And I love me some money. And right now my favorite money is Bitcoin.

Here are some other facts about Bitcoin to help you better understand what you are buying from me at this card table I’ve set up in Philadelphia’s Suburban Station:

  • Bitcoin is a “cryptocurrency”.  Merriam-Webster defines ‘crypto’ as  a person who adheres or belongs secretly to a party, sect, or other group.  So, in short, it is a secret currency! And I’m letting you in on the secret. The secret is… getting rich!

 

  • Because it is a cryptocurrency, bigtime financial experts (like me) authorized to hold and trade Bitcoins are known as “cryptkeepers”.  Now you can tell your friends at work that you met a cryptkeeper at the train station and you’re making sick bank! You’re already talking like a millionaire!

 

  • You may have read that you need to go online to buy Bitcoins from an approved exchange like Coinbase or such-and-such. Those guys expect you to give them your money and then “take their word for it” that they’re holding your Bitcoins. Huh?! What kind of dope would do that when all I’m asking you for is $500 and you can have the $16,000 Bitcoin that’s in my pocket right now.

 

  • In addition to the Bitcoin, you will get a Certificate of Authenticity so you know you’re getting a legit Bitcoin, signed by none other than Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin. Wanna know something else? Before he was Treasury Secretary, Steve Mnuchin was a Hollywood billionaire and — wait for it – a  cryptkeeper!

 

Thanks very much for your business and your trust. I just know we are going to be Best Bitcoin Cryptofriends. Here is my number, call if you have any questions.

 

 

 

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Two senior executives resigned from Amazon-owned audiobook company Audible. Insiders say the work environment is hostile toward women, but the reason for the departures won’t be clear until H.R. downloads and listens to their resignation letters.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell signed a five-year contract extension at a rumored $40 million per year. Goodell was asking for $50 million, leaving no doubt that his balls were fully inflated.

  • To clear cap space, the league waived 10 janitors and 4 cafeteria ladies.

Raging wildfires continue to spread throughout Southern California, forcing closure of Interstate 405 in the hot zone outside of Los Angeles. It’s gotten so bad, LA drivers opening Google Maps were greeted with thoughts and prayers.

President Trump noticeably slurred his speech during a White House event to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, and to recognize a fizzing glass of water on his nightstand as the capital of his personal dental care.

  • A White House spokesperson said that Trump’s slurring was not caused by slipping dentures, but rather by a dry throat caused by swallowing PoliGrip.

Australia’s parliament approved same-sex marriage; with a 62% majority carrying passage of the Bloke-Bloke Sheila-Sheila Bill.

U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley said that sending U.S. athletes to the 2018 Winter Olympics is an “open question”, citing the games’ PyeongChang location just 50 miles from the North Korean border, and the cost of outfitting U.S. bobsleds with missile defense systems.

Astronomers have discovered a supermassive black hole they say is 800 million times as massive as the sun.  No intelligent life could survive there, so Republican congressmen are sponsoring a bill to assign it 50 electoral college votes.

Darlene Bradley, mayor of Davenport, Florida, was arrested for using a dead woman’s handicap parking placard so that she could park in front of city hall. The mayor tried to explain that she needed the space because someone was parked in her sinkhole.

General Electric is cutting 12,000 jobs in its Power Division, and aren’t sure whether to call it a downsizing or a power outage.

Visa spent a year developing a “signature sound” to validate point-of-purchase transactions made with Visa cards. The winner was a less-than-a-second sound that Visa says conveys “speed and convenience”. The runner-up was the less-than-a-second sound of a middle aged man saying “f*ck” when reading his family’s Visa bill.

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TIME Magazine named ‘The Silence Breakers’ – women telling their stories of sexual abuse – as its 2017 Person of the Year. In other news, Pyongyang TIME Magazine named Kim Jong Un as Benevolent Supreme Leader of the Year for the sixth straight time.

In an interview with The Sunday Times, actor Gabriel Byrne said that co-star Kevin Spacey’s inappropriate sexual behavior caused a two-day shutdown on the film The Usual Suspects. Since Spacey insisted on remaining in character, it took him longer to catch up with underage boys while walking with a limp.

A UPS tractor-trailer caught fire in suburban Maryland. Tracking data for the affected shipments have been updated accordingly: “Your Package Is On The Way! Fire!”

Google is assigning 10,000 employees to audit YouTube for objectionable content posted on videos of, and for, children. So far, a small percentage of employees have taken down crude content from pedophiles, while thousands of other employees are making great money watching cat videos.

Virgin Hyperloop cofounder Shervin Pishevar has taken a leave of absence in light of six sexual harassment allegations – but impressed investors with the speed at which he got out of town.

Russia was officially banned from participation in the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for systemic doping violations. Russians can still compete as ‘neutral’ athletes — in the sense that you can’t tell if they’re men or women.

The Invisible Box Challenge is the latest viral video craze, with users pretending to plant their leading leg on an invisible box, then hopping the box with their trailing leg. It, in turn, spawned the Air Cast Challenge, to see how fast EMTs can apply first aid to torn knee ligaments.

A new General Motors in-car app lets you order Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts coffee while you drive. Several drivers suffered second-degree burns when the drone delivered the coffee through their moonroof.

Pizza Hut is testing beer delivery, as drivers practice telling customers “no, they actually come in four packs.”

Minnesotans can now text 911 for emergency response instead of calling; residents praised the upgrade, saying precious time was lost in emergencies typing “I’m in trouble here, donchaknow..”

A Chinese newspaper in Jilin Province – bordering North Korea – published tips on how to survive a nuclear attack. The first tip was ‘keep buying the Jilin Daily News!’

  • To ensure readers saw the tips, they were printed on the comics page next to Wheel Yankee – China’s favorite daily strip about the mishaps caused by an ignorant American driver.

 

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Major League Baseball’s Anaheim Angels put a football field in their stadium so the Philadelphia Eagles can practice there during their west coast road trip. To make the Eagles feel at home, the city of Anaheim bused in hundreds of homeless people to yell obscenities and vomit on each other.

McDonald’s is rolling out its new Dollar Menu in January. For the first time, Happy Meals will be discounted, offering much-needed to relief to unemployed cash-strapped toddlers.

According to a report in The Intercept, the White House is considering its own private spy network separate from the CIA. Fueling the reports, Ivanka Trump brand’s Chinese apparel factory is frantically churning out black capes and fedoras.

Netflix fired Danny Masterson from its show The Ranch following multiple allegations of rape filed against the star.  He begins work on his new show,  The Nevada Chicken Ranch, next week.

The International Olympic Committee will decide whether to ban Russia from the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for state-sponsored cover-up of doping, and because this month’s Russian bribe envelope was unusually light.

Accused sexual harasser Representative John Conyers announced that he’s planning to retire; then he will wake up and grope more women.

The world’s largest Starbucks – 30,000 square feet – will open Wednesday in Shanghai, promising customers all the tea.

Netflix is reportedly experimenting with interactive tv shows, allowing viewers to help direct the story. Netflix subscribers anxiously await their chance to kill off Winona Ryder.

The 709-carat ‘Peace Diamond’, owned by a village in Sierra Leone where it was found,  sold below appraised value for a disappointing $6.5 million at auction. Worse, the buyer’s girlfriend muttered “I guess it’s okay.”

Kroger is recalling bottles of purified water for babies because some bottles had mold growing in them. Kroger’s CEO is said to be angry with the move; since it’s purified mold, he doesn’t know what the big deal is.

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The New York Times cut the number of free articles readable on its website from 10 per month to 5.  Meanwhile the Philadelphia Inquirer assured its website’s readers that the number of racist comments they can make each month will remain unlimited.

TV actress Kaley Cuoco is engaged to professional equestrian Karl Cook. This is Cook’s first marriage, and Cuoco’s second big bang.

The FIFA Men’s 2018 World Cup soccer matchups were released. The United States Men’s National Soccer team was matched up with golf caddies.

NBC will refuse to pay out the remainder of Matt Lauer’s $30 million contract; Lauer cancelled delivery of “personal massagers” he’d ordered as Christmas gifts for all the women on the Today staff.

President Trump’s lawyer, Charles Dowd, confirmed to the media that he wrote the tweet sent from Trump’s account rationalizing his firing of Michael Flynn. You’d write Trump’s tweets, too, if you could bill $500/character.

Preceding a joint press release from the President of NAMBLA and Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore calling it “the communications breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for” —  Facebook unveiled its Messenger For Kids app.

The implosion of Detroit’s Pontiac Silverdome failed to collapse the retired structure on the first try. Local officials are set to detonate a second round of explosives and, if that doesn’t work, the Silverdome will host Detroit’s Devil’s Night festivities next Halloween.

New Jersey Governor-elect Phil Murphy said that after this season, bear hunting will no longer be allowed in the Garden State. Murphy advised residents if  you want to shoot a 600 pound mammal rooting through garbage cans for something to eat, you’ll have to go to Chris Christie’s shore house or MetLife Stadium on Sundays.

Employee benefit consultants are lauding the $69 Billion CVS acquisition of Aetna, saying it could transform a massive, complex, pricey healthcare system into a more massive, complex, pricier healthcare system.

The Supreme Court will hear arguments on the legality of single-game sports gambling in states outside of Nevada. The Gorsuch/Thomas/Alito/Roberts/Kennedy approval parlay is paying even money at the Mirage.

 

 

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Youngstown, Ohio city employees doing routine checks of manhole covers discovered human body parts. The police lieutenant is withholding comment until he’s able to interview the local CHUDs after their lunch break.

Matt Lauer, ousted from NBC News after sexual harassment allegations, issued an apology, writing “to the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry…and to the ones I didn’t hurt, I am now free on weekday mornings..”

Cabin — a new luxury bus line operating overnight service between Los Angeles and San Francisco — is offering $115 one-way trips featuring lie-flat beds so passengers can sleep on the 7-hour ride. Cabin’s execs say this addresses the number-one complaint of frequent bus passengers, that their ride isn’t creepy enough.

Vice Media fired three employees amid sexual harassment investigations, and announced a name change to Respect & Inclusion Media.

Walmart stopped selling a t-shirt with the caption “Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some Assembly Required” after complaints from customers and sales associates who don’t know what ‘journalist’ means.

A magnitude 4.1 earthquake was recorded near Dover, Delaware. Officials expressed relief that it didn’t happen during one of Dover’s NASCAR races, since the violent shaking would have made thousands of cans of cheap beer highly risky to open.

  • The National Geological Survey said the only remaining east coast state without an earthquake is Florida, since the Earth hasn’t figured out how to make two giant sinkholes rub together.

Tesla has launched the world’s biggest battery in the Australian Outback, and is staffing up security to ward off loitering kangaroos and koalas charging their cell phones.

A British lawmaker, critical of President Trump’s retweets of anti-Muslim videos, quoted fictional Harry Potter wizard Albus Dumbledore in a televised debate. Trump angrily replied that players kneeling during ‘Rule Britannia‘ need to be kicked out of the National Quidditch League.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway will spearhead the Trump Administration’s battle against the opioid crisis, despite having no public health experience at all. Sessions’ budget will fund $12 million toward the effort, money Conway will use for an amnesty program, where addicts seeking to surrender their opioids can trade them for a gun.

GOP Senators continue to work on a Tax Reform bill, with the latest hiccup being attempts by ‘Budget Hawks’ to include measures aimed at slowing the soaring growth of the Federal Deficit. The President struggles to understand why the Senators don’t just pass the bill first and go bankrupt later.