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BTS singer Jung Kook performed his single ‘Standing Next To You’ on The Tonight Show. For those unfamiliar with Korean boy band BTS, Jung Kook translates to ‘Harry Styles’ in English. .

Journalists in attendance for Donald Trump’s testimony at his New York financial fraud trial stated that Trump “lost it” on the witness stand – criticizing the judge, the attorney general, and whoever brought in Wendy’s instead of McDonald’s for lunch.

Actress Megan Fox released a book of poems entitled ‘Pretty Boys Are Poisonous‘. Titles of the poems include ‘“rape,” “funerals are for lovers,” “why i wish i was gay,” and “to marry an arsonist”. In other news Megan Fox’s read-along at the Children’s Library of Los Angeles has been postponed.

Lindsay Lohan, Lacey Chabert & Amanda Seyfried reprised their ‘Mean Girls‘ roles in a new ad campaign for Walmart’s Black Friday sales. Suburban moms get their own chance to be Mean Girls as they trample other women when stores open at 5 a.m. on November 24th.

Deanes EIPIC, a Michelin-starred restaurant in Belfast, Northern Ireland, closed due to rising operating costs, higher menu prices, and customers refusal to order anything but corned beef & cabbage.

Packs of javelinas – pig-like creatures with sharp teeth – are destroying Arizona’s Seven Canyons golf course as they tear up fairways looking for food. It’s illegal to kill javelinas in Arizona, so groundskeepers can only hope they leave, or choke to death on Titleists.

Baskin-Robbins introduced ‘Turkey Day Fixins’ ice cream as its Flavor of the Month. It has no turkey flavoring, but features notes of honey cornbread, cranberrry & sweet potato. After poor consumer testing, Dairy Queen cancelled its Green Bean Casserole Blizzard.

The Crazy Horse 3 strip club in Las Vegas is offering one free lap dance to current & former military personnel on Veterans Day. Extra dancers are being brought in to grind on Privates, Sergeants, etc.

A viral video shows a commercial jet flying over Israel while, in nearby airspace, Israeli’s Iron Dome defense missiles exploded Hamas rockets. Passengers aboard Spirit Airlines new service to Tel Aviv were each charged $10 for the light show.

Pauly Shore proposed to Drew Barrymore on Friday’s episode of The Drew Barrymore Show. The proposal question was unanswered – but at least we know if Barrymore could still attract A-List stars to the show after her Writers Strike controversy.

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In a viral Tik Tok video, a popular fitness influencer admitted she doesn’t wash her vibrator after every use. She assumed it just shook off the bacteria.

Tyson Foods recalled over 30,000 pounds of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets because they allegedly contain metal. Although some parents were happy the brontosaurus their kid ate gave them plenty of iron.

Senior centers in Japan are getting Nintendo Switch consoles so residents can spend time playing video games – leading to a wave of seppuku over the dishonor of finishing last in Mario Kart.

Donald Trump is expected to appear and testify in his $250 million fraud trial – the first defendant ever to take the witness stand with the help of a teleprompter.

Guests at Disney World are reportedly letting children poop on the ground while waiting in long lines for popular rides like Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance, because they’re overwhelmed by the power of the force.

Khloe Kardashian is accused of a ‘Photoshop fail’ in a birthday photo tribute post to her mom, Kris Jenner – she forgot to edit out her brother Rob.

A Florida child called 911 because he wanted a hug. The responding officer hugged him, but shot him first just to be safe.

James Winburn, stunt double for Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween‘ film, died at age 85. Although when the coroner arrived, his body was missing. [Ed.: This story is from 2022 but I just saw it.]

The Simpsons producers say they’ll no longer show Homer choking Bart. If you want to watch poor parenting for entertainment purposes, they advise watching The Kardashians.

New Jersey political boss George Norcross was kicked out of a suite at Sunday’s Philadelphia Eagles game for hanging a pro-Israel flag, and refusing to remove it, or write Fly Eagles Fly or Go Birds on it.

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A motorist braking for a tarantula caused a traffic accident in California’s Death Valley National Park. The tarantula failed a field sobriety test and was led away in three pairs of handcuffs.

A janitor in New Jersey is charged with contaminating his elementary school’s food and utensils with saliva, feces & urine. The charges follow an investigation by school officials, and K-to-6th graders posting some brutal Yelp! reviews of the cafeteria.

Netflix is reportedly building a movie studio in Monmouth, New Jersey at a cost of $900 million – saying it’s cheaper than repeatedly flying Adam Sandler’s friends to Hawai’i and making terrible movies there.

Sam Bankman-Fried, founder of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX, was found guilty on all counts of financial fraud by 12 members of a jury who each couldn’t begin to tell you how cryptocurrency works.

Donald Trump Jr testified at his father’s financial fraud trial in New York, and told a courtroom sketch artist “make me look sexy”. The artist was relieved he didn’t tell them to make him look smart.

Australia’s most wanted man, drug trafficker and gang leader Hakan Ayik, was arrested in Turkey. Through attorneys, Ayik said he was not having a g’day.

Matthew Perry reportedly received $20 million annually in residual payments from Friends. Attorneys are currently evaluating how his estate will be settled amongst family, beneficiaries, and dating-app skanks.

The Beatles released ‘Now And Then’, a down-tempo John Lennon-penned song that you’ll listen to now, and then wish you never heard.

Three passengers on the Alaska Airlines/Horizon Air commuter jet where a co-pilot attempted to shut off the engines said they were suing for emotional distress. It was then determined that all three flew on Frontier and Spirit all the time, so they dropped their lawsuit.

Oprah released her annual “Favorite Things” list – a gift guide with stuff you can buy, and also free things like “farting after a big meal”.

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An Idaho woman is suing her fertility doctor, claiming he secretly used his own sperm to father her now 34-year-old daughter. The doctor’s lawyers informed the court he’d be using a “Hey, It Worked, Didn’t It?” Defense.

Two theme park operators, Six Flags and Cedar Fair, are merging in a deal valued at $8 billion dollars and over a million gallons of vomit.

Donald Trump lashed out on social media over a judge forcing Eric, Don Jr & Ivanka to testify in his financial fraud trial. “Leave my kids alone!” Trump posted, adding “I’ve left all of them alone for years.”

Cable channel TBS will air a ‘Best Of Chandler’ marathon starting November 1st to honor the late Matthew Perry. They’re finalizing on-screen graphics to differentiate it from the existing 22 hours every day they air ‘Friends‘ episodes.

A family is suing Panera Bread, claiming their daughter died after drinking highly caffeinated lemonade. Their case won’t be heard for years, after Panera lawyers settle dozens of lawsuits where customers choked to death on scones.

400 Americans were approved to leave war-torn Gaza. 250 of them could have left already, but they keep haggling for business & first class seat upgrades on the flights home.

Kim Kardashian announced her underwear brand, SKIMS, has entered a partnership with the NBA. Every NBA player will receive personalized instructions on removing SKIMS from new female friends they meet on the road.

Investigators determined two men escaped from a Philadelphia prison in May because a guard slept on the job, surveillance cameras didn’t work, a known hole in a fence was left unrepaired, and – perhaps most importantly – the prisoners broke their promise to stay inside and be good.

A dietitian released a list of foods that mimic the ingredients of popular weight loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. The list includes high-fiber items like rye bread & barley, and more controversial low-fiber items like the Quarter Pounder w/Ozempic.

Police are investigating AI-generated nude images of young female students circulated at a New Jersey high school. No arrests have been made, but the Computer Club has seen a gigantic spike in participation.

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On ABC’s The Golden Bachelor, Gerry Turner selected his final three 60+ bachelorettes. Eliminated women didn’t get roses, but each received a Gerry Turner souvenir autographed pickleball paddle.

An Italian mom won a lawsuit to kick her 40-year-old sons out of her house. She then visited them, saw them eating canned ravioli, and suffered a heart attack.

Social media star Amouramth announced a marketing partnership with a company to brew beer made with her vaginal yeast. A different brewer is partnering with Monistat to make a beer that cures infections from Amouranth beer.

A Delta Airlines co-pilot pulled a gun on the pilot and threatened to shoot him if he diverted the flight for an on-board medical emergency. The co-pilot was counting on getting layover’d at the flight’s original destination.

Sales of Bud Light and candy corn are each down by double-digit percentages in 2023. In other aiccng $9 billion to dollars to upgrade facilities in over 1400 stores, and will also invest $900 for pay raises to the workers in them.

Former Good Morning America co-hosts and romantic partners Amy Robach & TJ Holmes are launching a podcast. According to a press release, they’ll be discussing pop culture, current events, & more! .. but “more” probably won’t include banging your married co-worker and acting surprised when you both get fired.

Two separate wind farm projects off the New Jersey coast were cancelled by developers — leaving area mobsters scrambling to find other projects where someone is pouring concrete in the middle of the ocean.

A man stole an ambulance from Temple University Hospital in Philadelphia, then was found an hour later sleeping in the back of it. He escaped, and now Philly cops are on the lookout for a man sleeping in the back of a stolen police car.

A mom won a $3,500 small claims court judgment against American Airlines for a flight attendant harassing her over the placement of 18-month-old twins traveling with her. The judge was convinced that the twins were better off in seats versus the space beneath them.

A female doctor posted a TikTok video claiming men giving oral sex to women is worse than smoking when it comes to throat cancer – especially if they’re up to a pack of women a day.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX who’s currently facing fraud charges, said he knew “basically nothing” about crypto before starting the business. Which gives him something in common with 99% of current cryptocurrency investors.

Kylie Jenner said she’s earned PETA’s recommendation for her clothing line because she uses vegan leather. Kylie said she made sure all the cows killed for their leather were vegans.

A bear spotted near the Plymouth Meeting Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs has been captured and relocated – opening up a part-time position at Lids.

Financial services firm Bloomberg declared Taylor Swift a billionaire. Local banks declared thousands of Taylor Swift ticket-purchasers practically broke.

An Artificial Intelligence model can predict the recurrence of Crohn’s Disease. But Crohn’s sufferers say it isn’t much good until it can concurrently give the location of the nearest restroom.

Comcast and Disney are fighting over the value of Hulu prior to Disney buying Comcast’s one-third share. Disney says it’s worth $27 billion, Comcast says it’s worth more, and households are saying it’s not worth 15 bucks and cancelling.

The Centers for Disease Control voted to recommend an mpox (formerly monkeypox) vaccine for gay men and other U.S. residents. The gay men are cooperating, allthough zookeepers are struggling to administer the vaccine to anti-vax monkeys.

Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, SKIMS, introduced a bra with a nipple built in to the cup. Kardashian joked that women wearing the bra will always “look cold” – and will probably also look like they’ll get that big promotion at work.

Camden, New Jersey is using virtual reality headsets to teach first responders and other officials how to give Narcan to opioid overdose victims. They say the VR simulation is incredibly realistic, because it includes a simulation of getting carjacked afterward.

New York City set up a ‘ticketing center’ to give illegal immigrants one-way airfares to other U.S. cities. The immigrants are glad to get the airline tickets, but are having a tough time getting the $60 for an Uber to the airport.

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Khloe Kardashian said she’s “not attracted” to ex Tristan Thompson, but didn’t rule out reconciling with him, because after all he’s the father of her kids, and a rich guy who’s still in the NBA.

Starbucks debuted their Holiday Cups. Then stood back and watched as customers with the Hanukkah and Eid al-Fitr cups fought each other ruthlessly.

Matthew McConaughey debuted Pantalones Tequila. He’s looking forward to doing weird-ass commercials for one of his own products for a change.

Responding to a rumor, former host of The Bachelorette, Chris Harrison, told former Dancing With The Stars pro Cheryl Burke he never blocked her from being The Bachelorette by calling her “a sloppy drunk”. He said he blocked her because she was over 30.

Apple just released iOS17.1, MacOS14.1 and WatchOS10.1 – forcing millions of remote workers to take the day off for Downloading.

A 29-year-old man was found dead inside a Norfolk, Virginia apartment building chimney after authorities were called to investigate a foul odor. Children in the apartments are just relieved he was removed before Christmas Eve.

Workers for SEPTA, Philadelphia’s public transit system, may go on strike, halting bus and trolley service. City officials are issuing guidance to residents for alternatives where they can masturbate and use drugs.

The NHL Ottawa Senators announced center Shane Pinto is suspended 41 games for violating the league’s gambling rules. Draft Kings, Fanduel, Caesars & other announced they’re now down to about 6 people who actively bet on hockey.

Britney Spears said in her memoir that Justin Timberlake used a “blaccent” when they met hip-hop artist Ginuwine – calling Timberlake disinginuwous.

An escort hired for $2,,500 from website Seeking Arrangements is accused of leaving a U2 concert in Las Vegas she attended with her ‘sugar daddy’ and stealing $50,000 from his hotel room safe. The daddy said he’s currently low on sugar.

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A hospital director in Doylestown, Pennsylvania was charged with stealing $600,000 from a charity account. She drew suspicion when Make-A-Wish families would make their wish, then she’d tell them to make a cheaper one.

A man jumped in to the World Showcase Lagoon at EPCOT Center in order to win a $6,000 bet from his buddies. He was escorted out by security, and is still $2,000 short of paying for his kids Breakfast With Mickey and souvenirs.

In a social media post, Donald Trump compared himself to Nelson Mandela. Presumably because Mandela sought to end apartheid, and Trump & his father applied its principles to real estate rentals.

Seth Rogen’s wife Lauren Miller Rogen revealed she’d undergone surgery to treat a brain aneurysm. That’s the bad news; the good news is the surgery was successful, and she didn’t have to go further than Seth’s nightstand to find recuperative weed.

An 82-year-old Korean man suffered a heart attack after choking on san-nakji, raw octopus served while still alive. They won’t say if he lived, just that seven EMTs each grabbed one leg before pulling the other one out of his mouth.

Houston airport grounded all flights after a private jet departed “without permission” and collided with another jet. Houston is reconsidering the use of four-way Stop signs to guide traffic at runway intersections.

Bud Light is now the Official Beer Of UFC. All weight class champions must now choose to defend their title against the top-ranked contender, or a transgender influencer.

Richard Roundtree, star of ‘Shaft’, passed away at 81. He was remembered as a baaaad motherf-, before the pastor was told to shut his mouth, then said he was only eulogizing Shaft.

Britney Spears ‘The Woman In Me’ is already the biggest-selling celebrity memoir of all time, with 9 million copies ordered. It’s 288 pages long, and the word ‘Like’ starts 1,443 of its sentences.

A woman in England claims she found a cigarette butt in her child’s Happy Meal. A McDonald’s spokesperson apologized and offered free food, and the unsmoked loose cigarette that should have been in a British Happy Meal.

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Paris Hilton posted a picture of her baby son, Phoenix, then slammed online trolls for their ‘sick’ criticism of his large head. She said she’s hurt, but not as badly as Phoenix’s surrogate mother who had to squeeze the head out.

An off-duty Alaska Airlines pilot riding in the cockpit of a Horizon Air commuter jet is charged with attempted murder after trying to shut off the engines mid-flight. He said he was trained to do it to save fuel when he worked for Spirit Airlines.

Madonna told her concert audience in Belgium mid-show that she doesn’t feel well. 15,000 people told themselves she didn’t sound well, either.

Four men who stole 2 million dimes from a truck outside the U.S. Mint in Philadelphia face felony theft charges. They were apprehended at Staples trying to buy 20,000 $5 rolls to put them in.

Two women – Haley Briggs of Wayne, Pennsylvania & Krystel Alston of Ontario, California – who started as grade-school pen pals in 1980 met for the first time in 43 years, after one of them ran out of stamps.

Trump attorney Jenna Ellis pleaded guilty to Georgia election fraud charges & will testify for the prosecution against remaining defendants, including Trump. Ellis, Sydney Powell & Kenneth Cheesebro all figured they might as well plead guilty since Trump wasn’t going to pay the lawyers anyway.

Federal agents discovered over two dozen minors working illegally at an Ohio poultry processing plant. The minors did not share a lot of information, but most said they’ve pretty much sworn off chicken nuggets at this point.

Kurt Cobain’s daughter and Tony Hawk’s son were married by R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe in a civil ceremony, since all three were losing their religion.

The U.S. Department of Justice alleges that the NBA attempted to prevent Ice Cube’s ‘Big 3’ 3-on-3 basketball league from operating – allegations the NBA denies. A judge will decide whether the NBA was blocking while the DOJ is charging.

Hollywood celebrities including Tiffany Haddish, Chris Rock, Bradley Cooper & Justin Timberlake penned an open letter to President Biden to free Israeli hostages held by Hamas. Biden has received the letter, but is waiting for Larry The Cable Guy to weigh in.