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Walker Boone, voice of Mario in the 90s cartoon show Super Mario World, has passed away. His last words were “it’s-a no longer me”.

27 people aboard a Carnival Cruise Line ship bound for Belize have tested positive for COVID-19. The passengers are vaccinated, most are asymptomatic, and all are asking for their own private supply of crab legs at the buffet.

Britney Spears’ father, Jamie, agreed to remove himself from her conservatorship. No word on who will control Britney’s estate in the near-term, but it’s a sure thing she won’t ask to spend money on singing lessons.

Mama June Shannon, reality tv mom of Honey Boo-Boo, is suing a Beverly Hills doctor for $35,000 for botching her dental surgery. The suit demands $17,500 for each tooth.

Adidas, which acquired Reebok in 2006 for $3,8 billion, is selling the brand for just $2.5 billion. Journalists sought comments from athletes who wear Reebok shoes, but couldn’t find any.

Eminem’s 19-year-old child Stevie announced they’re non-binary, and will use pronouns they/he/she – and, any new ones that come out.

Former MLB All-Star Jim Edmonds got engaged to Kortnie O’Connor, who reportedly had a threesome with Edmonds & his third ex-wife Meghan. Edmonds is confident in Kortnie’s ability to produce in the clean-up spot.

NASA increased the odds of massive asteroid Bennu striking Earth sometime before 2300. Although gamblers who bet that Bennu will strike Earth may have a hard time collecting their winnings once the planet is blown up.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Vinny Guadagnino is selling his California home after realizing it was on the wrong coast.

Washington state reported the first sighting of live murder hornets in the U.S. in 2021. They were difficult to recognize at first because of the masks.

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After a man shot several people at a party in Fort Worth, Texas, partygoers defended themselves by throwing garden stones at the shooter, killing him. The police report lists the witnesses as Stoner 1, Stoner 2, Stoner 3…

Actress Busy Philipps says her daughter, Birdie, has been cast in a non-binary acting role for a new Amazon Prime series. Since she’s non-binary, she’ll be paid a full salary some days, and 72% of the salary on other days.

The Mayor of Orange County, Florida – home to Disney World – said they’re in ‘crisis mode’ because of a surge in Delta Variant COVID cases. It’s so bad, It’s A Small World is even smaller because of the hospitalization of singing child robots.

The Congressional Investigative Committee on the January 6th Riots kicked off Tuesday, with testimony from the Capitol Police force – requiring a 50% increase in the daily donut delivery to the House of Representatives.

Britney Spears officially petitioned for a new conservator to replace her father, although her new attorneys are attempting to persuade her out of her first choice, Santa Claus.

Naomi Osaka was eliminated in the third round of the Tokyo Olympics tennis competition, in the most Japanese sports headline ever.

The NCAA’s Southeast Conference is meeting to discuss adding the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners athletic programs. Discussion is expected to center on money, and whether the conference grade point average could possibly go any lower.

The CDC plans to recommend everyone in a school setting from grades Kindergarten through 12 wear a mask. They’re also recommending younger kids and teachers learn the phrase “I REALLY need to use the bathroom” in sign language.

Campbell’s Soup cans are getting their first redesign in 50 years, with the Campbell’s name getting a “modernized logo structure” and “mm mm good” replaced by “not just for geezers”.

Some U.S. airports are running out of fuel for planes. As a result, Spirit Airlines will charge passengers an extra $49 if they don’t help push-start jets toward the runway.

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A new study claims the average household has 21 disagreements every week, many of them over trivial matters such as dishes, room temperature & lighting. Households with guns tend to settle the matters faster.

McDonald’s in the U.K. is offering a Gold VIP Card as a prize in its Monopoly game, entitling the holder to a free meal each week for a year. They debated adding an Organ Donor designation to the cards to acknowledge the inevitable heart failure.

Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos’ launched and landed his Blue Origin rocket after a successful shot into space. Meanwhile, alleged billionaire Donald Trump launched and landed his pitching wedge in a pond after an unsuccessful shot on the 11th Hole.

HGTV star Tarek El Moussa launched an on-set tirade against ex-wife & costar Christina Haack during filming of Flip Or Flop, calling her a “washed-up loser”. El Moussa is diversifying beyond flipping houses, to flipping his lid.

Illinois banned police from lying to minors as part of criminal investigations. They can still lie to adults, though, so cops invite fugitives to come to the station and claim that sports car you won!

Former American Idol finalist Ron Bultongez of Texas surrendered to face charges of having sex with a minor. Bultongez is apparently unhappy that the girl sang to her parents about it.

Britney Spears is reportedly wearing a diamond ring on her left hand, signaling a possible engagement to longtime boyfriend Sam Asghari. Asghari wanted to ask for her father’s permission, but needs 6 lawyers to petition the conservatorship.

United States passports are taking up to 24 weeks to process, with a backlog of over 2 million applications. The delay is ruining the plans of thousands of Americans to contract COVID-19 in a different country.

A wellness retreat in Upstate New York offers one-hour sessions to cuddle with cows, then two-hour sessions after that to deal with the smell.

The Bootleg Wildfire in Oregon is so large, it’s creating its own weather patterns – described by meteorologists as “Warm”.

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Johnson & Johnson is recalling some Aveeno and Neutrogena brand sunscreens because they may contain a carcinogen. Or, as they call it, a quicker way to get skin cancer.

Top U.S. Generals believed Donald Trump was setting the stage for a January coup to remain in office. But it took them a while to realize it, because Trump kept referring to it as a “coop”.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is suing Amazon for selling faulty carbon monoxide detectors, flammable children’s pajamas, and hair dryers that could electrocute people. However, they were satisfied with the prices they paid for the items on Prime Day.

Actor Jerry O’ Connell will replace Sharon Osbourne and become the first male panelist on ‘The Talk’. He’ll face away from the camera so the female co-hosts can talk about him behind his back.

A Utah company has stopped selling a kit that encases Glock handguns in Lego bricks, after multiple people reported injuries from stepping on the guns.

In a medical first, a paralyzed man’s brain waves have been turned into sentences. Researchers only shared the second sentence he thought of, because his first thoughts were about his young female nurse.

Pittsburgh Steelers QB Dwayne Haskins lost a tooth during a fight with his wife. She was charged with felony battery and penalized 15 yards for an illegal blow to the head.

Britney Spears is allowed to hire her own lawyer, and wants to sue her father for mismanaging her conservatorship. She’s hoping to take back control of her life and money, and finally buy a unicorn.

Netflix plans to offer video games on its service within the next year, then it’ll cancel your favorite game after one level.

An 18-year-old will accompany Jeff Bezos on his Blue Origin rocket launch. His job is to repeatedly ask “Are we in space yet?”

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New Jersey is building its second offshore wind farms, just as soon as local crime bosses have enough bodies to fill in the giant underwater concrete pylons.

Colon cancer rising in young adults because of sugary drinks. The Surgeon General declared a Mountain Dew Code Red.

Florida condominium owners are debating selling their units in the wake of the Miami Surfside collapse. They’re worried about sharp drops in both value and altitude.

Over 180 people nationwide were killed by guns over the July 4th weekend. Chicago is considering cancelling next year’s fireworks and just scheduling a firefight.

Wildfires in the U.S. are so bad, even Hawaii is experiencing one. It’s a California wildfire on vacation.

Pope Francis is hospitalized following colon surgery, to fix an irregularity discovered by an altar boy.

Black TikTok’ers are on strike since Juneteenth and not creating dances, because they say they’re tired of white TikTok’ers stealing them and getting credit. In other news, the most popular dance on TikTok since Juneteenth is the Macarena.

WWE superstar wrestler Jimmy Uso was arrested for DUI, driving with a blood alcohol level of .205. Uso failed a field sobriety test, he was asked to hit the arresting officer with a folding chair and missed.

Monday marked Aphelion Day, when Earth is at its farthest point from the Sun. Fearing the added distance will diminish their tan, Jersey Shore beachgoers put their chairs on cinderblocks.

Britney Spears’ manager Larry Rudolph resigned, saying he believes Britney wants to retire from singing. He came to the conclusion after listening to Britney sing.

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Harrison Ford injured his shoulder rehearsing a fight scene for the upcoming Indiana Jones movie. Short Round’s jaw was unhurt.

The new CEO of Southwest Airlines said they’ll continue their policy of no fees for checked bags or ticket changes, saying they have dozens of other ways to piss off passengers.

Original Beach Boys member Mike Love said one of their classic love songs was inspired by a jar of honey in a cabinet. It was Beebara Ann.

MTV is reviving VH1’s ‘Behind The Music’, with episodes devoted to Duran Duran, New Kids On The Block, Ricky Martin, and others. An executive producer for the show said “for the last time, Color Me Badd, NO one cares”.

Britney Spears appeared in court via Zoom, asking a judge to end her conservatorship and allow her to manage her own money, since she’s mentally stable and mature. Spears testified for 20 minutes, the first 15 talking to a toaster oven.

Fast food restaurants are deemphasizing dollar menus, and pushing higher-priced burgers and ‘family meals’. Although so far, demand has been slow for McDonald’s 1000-piece McNuggets box.

The delta variant of COVID-19 has a new mutation called ‘delta plus’. It’s like the standard delta variant, only with more legroom.

Joe Biden nominated Cindy McCain to a United Nations post to combat global hunger. He then nominated Meghan McCain to bring Resting Bitch Face to women in third-world countries.

Google delayed its Chrome browser cookie-blocking privacy plan by 2 years, saying it needs more time to steal the personal information of people born in the next 2 years.

John McAfee, antivirus software mogul, was found dead of an apparent suicide in a Spanish jail before he was extradited to the U.S. to face tax evasion charges. Next to his body were 12 notes reading “WARNING! Your protection has expired!”

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Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

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Egyptian researchers unearthed what’s believed to be the world’s oldest mass-production brewery. Then they discovered it made Coors Light, so they buried it again.

The Los Angeles School District eliminated 133 positions for police officers in city schools. So the Bloods & Crips took over the Drama Club and will use real weapons in the Spring musical production of West Side Story.

Much of Texas remains without power following severe winter weather. It’s so cold, Mexicans are building a wall to keep Texans from sneaking in and stealing the heat.

Republicans in Congress are blaming the ‘Green New Deal’ for Texans freezing, despite no such program ever being enacted – unless you count the Texas GOP letting residents freeze to death, which is the Gangrene New Deal.

Amidst fierce competition from McDonald’s, Popeyes and others, Burger King is updating its chicken sandwich to the one you get at McDonald’s or Popeyes.

Britney Spears shared an image of a Scrabble board, asking fans to “decipher this code”, adding “I think this Ouija board is broken”.

Court documents reveal Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene filed for divorce while having an affair with a tantric sex guru, but called it off because she didn’t want to remarry and change her name to Mrs. Marjorie Taylor Tantric Warrior.

Apple is updating emojis with its latest OS release, including the addition of a helmet to the rock-climber emoji, and a life-support system to the fallen rock climber emoji.

The European Space Agency seeks astronaut candidates with physical challenges or disabilities. The Russian Space Agency has already filled their opening with a three-legged dog.

Bam Margera was removed from the cast of ‘Jackass 4’, because he couldn’t control his addiction issues long enough to be reliably shot in the scrotum with a tennis ball cannon.

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Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville said he called Donald Trump on January 6th to say Mike Pence was evacuated as rioters stormed the Capitol. Tuberville said “Mr. President, they just took the Vice President out..” Trump was satisfied that the hit he ordered was completed.

Kevin Hart was allegedly defrauded by his personal shopper for over $1 million in credit card charges. Although Hart was happy the 1 million Chase Freedom Unlimited reward points never expire.

Britney Spears has not seen the controversial ‘Framing Britney Spears’ documentary, because her conservator/father won’t pay for her cable bill.

Actress Gina Carano was fired from Disney + Star Wars drama ‘The Mandalorian’ following posts comparing being Republican to being a Jew in Nazi Germany. A Disney spokesperson said hurtful speech about Jews has been forbidden there for at least a year or two now.

Shia LaBeouf has entered an inpatient treatment program to deal with issues related to abusive behavior, after someone tricked him in to thinking he’ll be roommates with Marilyn Manson.

Hustler Magazine founder Larry Flynt passed away. If you’re sending flowers, make sure they’re pink.

Kimberly Guilfoyle said she’s ready to accept if Donald Trump Jr. proposes. She added that she feels like they’re already married, because he finally gave her the name of his coke dealer.

Aaron Rodgers is confirmed to be engaged to actress Shailene Woodley, star of the ‘Divergent’ films. “Divergent” will also describe their respective locations while Rodgers lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin during football season.

Hormel is acquiring Planters Nuts in a $3.4 billion deal, with part of the money going to surgically repair Mr. Peanut’s bad eye.

A plastic surgeon successfully removed Gorilla Glue from Tessica Brown’s head during a 4-hour procedure. However, the same doctor needed multiple sutures to close scalp wounds after Brown ran her two-inch fingernails through her hair.

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Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Britney Spears’ boyfriend, fitness trainer Sam Asghari, said he contracted COVID-19 but recovered thanks to a healthy lifestyle. Britney said while Sam was toxic, she had not slipped under.

Volunteers calling themselves “grandchildren of Santa Claus” placed video calls to isolated elderly patients at a nursing home in Italy. The Italian seniors refused to speak with them because they’d never showed up to Sunday dinner.

A USA Today poll found 50% of registered voters call Donald Trump a “failed President”. Another 30% wanted to know if “failed” was the worst choice they had.

The CDC reported another coronavirus strain discovered in Nigeria, then said “nevermind, it’s just regular ol’ ebola”.

Oregon officials say one person’s “superspreader action” resulted in several deaths and over 300 people sick. The person in question defended himself, saying it was just a really busy shift at the Arby’s drive-thru.

Visa continued its ban for use on payments to Pornhub – a judge then ruled Visa can no longer say “it’s everywhere you want to be”.

Billionaire Ron Burkle – a former financial advisor to Michael Jackson – purchased Neverland Ranch for $20 million. Burkle hasn’t yet disclosed his future plans for the property, other than evicting Bubbles the Chimp.

The Houston Rockets postponed their season-opening game because too many players were in COVID protocol. James Harden plans to get both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, since he usually takes twice as many shots as he should.

The CDC still hasn’t notified passengers on a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 that they’ve been exposed. However, United asked them to designate a beneficiary for their frequent flyer miles.

Washington Football Team owner Daniel Snyder claims co-owner Dwight Schar is leaking information on Snyder’s alleged sexual misconduct in a effort to force Snyder out. Snyder has no plans to sell, but he is embarrassed, as evidenced by his red skin.