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Viral video shows an alligator attacking its trainer at a Utah reptile preserve before a good samaritan helped rescue her. The trainer is recovering, and received an overall score of ‘Needs Improvement’ during their annual performance review.

Samples of human brain tissue in lab dishes have grown rudimentary eyes – which they’re using to throw uncomfortable gazes at lab interns.

The TSA is extending its in-flight mask requirement until January. Flight attendants are busily bulking up for fistfights with passengers at Thanksgiving, and airlines are stocking up on red Christmas-themed duct tape.

Mattel created a Barbie doll of the scientist who created the Oxford coronavirus vaccine, only with bigger, pointy breasts.

Florida sanctioned two school districts for mandating students wear masks to prevent COVID-19, and for making kids take gym class to prevent obsesity.

Lady Gaga’s former dog walker Ryan Fischer – shot while walking the star’s French bulldogs – claims he’s homeless and is trying to raise $40,000 via GoFundMe. There’s no indication Gaga has donated, but the dogs each gave one bag of Pupperoni.

In a Twitter thread about terrible movies, Tom Arnold said he was paid for $5 million to play the lead in ‘The Stupids’. A sequel is in the works, it’s about the producers who decided to pay seven figures to Tom Arnold.

Oakland A’s pitcher Chris Bassitt is “conscious and aware” after taking a 100 mph line drive to the head. Also “consicous and aware” – the people who fell asleep at the game and woke up when he got hit.

Scientists found overweight lab mice lost weight when given a treatment that caused them to sweat out natural body oils. The treatment made them skinnier, but a lot more slippery.

In the wake of his most recent split from Khloe Kardashian, NBA star Tristan Thompson posted about “growth”. Specifically, about women who help him grow a lot more than Khloe ever did.

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12 Million people will lose unemployment benefits the day after Christmas. “Dahoo Doray…this f**king sucks” sang all the Whos in Whoville.

Jennifer Grey and husband Clark Gregg – Agent Coulson in the Marvel Universe – finalized their divorce settlement. Grey keeps all residuals from Dirty Dancing, while she snaps up half his Marvel residuals, according to Grey’s attorney, Thanos.

Scientists in Australia created diamonds from rocks in a lab at room temperature in just minutes. They did so by applying immense pressure – equivalent to that of a two-year girlfriend’s expectations on Christmas Eve.

An Amazon driver stole a tv and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

Matthew McConaughey is considering a run for Governor of Texas in 2022. His plan is called ‘How To Lose An Election in 24 Months’.

While Beyonce partners with Peloton, her husband Jay Z is investing in vertical climbing machine startup, CLIMBR – which promises to hold twice as many dirty clothes as a Peloton bike.

The National Anthem at the Mike Tyson/Roy Jones Jr fight will be sung by Ne-Yo…say can you see….

A man told to wear a mask in IHOP wielded a knife and cut an employee’s arm before fleeing. The wound was treated with stitches because it was only a short stab.

The Vatican reportedly launched an inquiry with Instagram, asking how Pope Francis’ account ‘Liked’ a photo from a Brazilian butt model. Instagram replied to the Vatican, saying it was a result of Francis ‘double-tappin’ on dat azz’.

Following months of delays, Wonder Woman 1984 will premiere in cinemas and streaming service HBO Max on the same day. Wonder Woman surveyed movie fans with her Lasso of Truth and 98% said there’s no way they’re going to a theater.

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An Amazon delivery driver was caught defecating in a woman’s garden. Worse, he sent her a picture to prove he delivered it.

Disney’s CEO said that fewer people are visiting Disney Parks than they expected. It’s so bad, the robots changed the lyrics to “It’s A Small ‘Crowd’ After All”.

The Tennessee GOP Senate Primary is still “too close to call” between two bigots.

FBI agents executed a federal search warrant on the home of YouTube star Jake Paul. No word on what they were looking for, but they’re seriously disappointed in the view count of the video they took.

The deadline for players to opt out of the upcoming NFL season is 4p.m. today. The deadline to acquire CTE has been extended indefinitely.

Amazon announced Prime Day – typically held in July – will now take place “in the fourth quarter”…taking the place of the holiday formerly known as Christmas.

Cable network Freeform announced the cancellation of mermaid drama ‘Siren’ after three seasons. An executive said the show just didn’t have legs.

A 6-year-old in a London suburb reportedly choked on parts of a blue face mask fried in to the McNuggets she was eating. Her mother requested a different Happy Meal toy.

NASA astronauts aboard the International Space Station shared a music video they made to Travis Tritt’s song “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” – which it was, unless you’re the astronaut who hates country music.

University of Connecticut is cancelling their 2020 men’s football season, saying it’s a safer way of going 0-12.

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Hip-hop star Megan Thee Stallion told Essence magazine about spending her first Christmas without her mother. Asked if she was sad, Thee Stallion clomped once for ‘yes’.

The last solar eclipse of the year, not visible in North America, was viewable via live streams and YouTube. It’s the first eclipse you had to skip ads to see.

The same-sex kiss in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, was edited out for cinemas in Singapore. It was either that, or the gay couple had to accept their punishment being candy caned.

Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park broke a record, erupting 47 times in 2019. Steamboat thanked Geyagra.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, eating in a 6-hour window and fasting for 18 hours may help you live longer, provided the 6 hours doesn’t include a stop at Checkers.

A newly married 26-year-old woman was charged with defrauding her 77-year-old husband, cashing checks for almost $1 million. On the same day, she was arraigned & held on bail, and her story was made into a Lifetime tv movie.

Leonardo Dicaprio’s mother is reportedly worried that if he remains noncomittal, Leo will drive model/girlfriend Camilla Morrone away. For his part, Leo is worried his model/girlfriend won’t take the hint.

Miley Cyrus settled her divorce from Liam Hemsworth on what would have been their 1-year anniversary. Appropriate, since the traditional First Anniversary gift is Paper.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave their daughter North a coat once owned by Michael Jackson as a gift for her 6th birthday. They then rushed her to the ER after she ate the quaaludes she found in the pockets.

University of Memphis Athletic Director Laird Veitch wished his former head football coach Mike Norvell well in his new job at Florida State, telling FSU officials they “hit a home run”. Veitch added “I’m not good at sports metaphors.”

 

 

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A Brooklyn, NY woman started a business called ‘Happy Dead Rats’ where she offers to kill 3 rats for $15 cash, or 5 rats for $25.  No word on how well the business is doing, but NYC Police arrested a rat for offering $15 to have his wife and two girlfriends killed.

Holiday sales rose 4.9% in 2017, as indicated by a surge in $26.22 gift cards instead of the usual $25.

President Trump and his family spent the Christmas holiday at Mar-A-Lago, where every Christmas – and practically every member – is a white one.

Apple stock dropped 4% on Tuesday as investment analysts feared that the excitement may be over for iPhone X, as sales slow and the phone’s Face ID captures a lot of boredom and sadness.

In a CNN interview touting her new partnership with QVC, Martha Stewart said that “work/life balance didn’t work for me”, adding that she’s now more comfortable with work/rage balance.

The NFL will not have a Sunday Night Football game on New Year’s Eve, allowing gambling addicts to get a 4-hour headstart on their sure-to-fail New Year’s Resolution.

Movie theater chains are advising patrons that a pivotal scene in ‘The Last Jedi’ where the audio goes completely silent is intentional. Most moviegoers were unfazed since they could still hear plenty of texting and women explaining the plot to their husbands.

Two 70-plus men living in Hawaii, who have been friends for over 60 years, found out that they’re actually brothers. They hugged and updated their phones with a recurring play date.

A Florida man was arrested for attacking a Wells Fargo ATM, causing $5,000 in damages, for giving him too much money. Wells Fargo explained that the ATM gave him the money he requested, plus the balances from 6 phony accounts they’d opened in his name.

Jennifer Lawrence paid a Christmas Eve visit to a children’s hospital in her hometown of Louisville, Kentucky, taking time out of her busy schedule to bitch at sick children over how her privacy is always being violated.

 

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A 25 year-old Ohio father was arrested after donning a scary clown mask and chasing his 6 year-old daughter around the neighborhood to discipline her. He was apprehended when ordered by police to put his hands up, at which point his pants fell down.

Chipotle introduced queso to the menu at its restaurants last week, but commenters on Twitter have expressed disappointment. Worse, the mice filmed at Chipotle over the summer can be seen in a new video scraping the queso off of chips before eating them.

A study in this month’s International Journal of Obesity states that weight loss may be influenced by what’s in dieter’s poop. The study found more weight loss among those whose feces contained a higher ratio of Prevotella to Bacteroides bacteria; and less weight loss among those whose feces contained whole Snickers bars.

Donald Trump Jr. is declining his Secret Service protection so that he can have more privacy. The Secret Service complied, then winked and crossed their fingers behind their backs.

It’s been revealed that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort has been under U.S. government audio surveillance for 3 years. FBI agents now know how to say “urinating hooker” in several Eastern European dialects.

Toys R Us declared bankruptcy. The iconic retailer is so deep in debt, the only Hatchimals they can afford to sell this Christmas are knockoffs that require children to sit on them.

82 locations of Kohl’s stores will pack & ship Amazon returns for free. Kohl’s said it’s the least they can do to help out the bully that will eventually punch them out of business.

President Trump addressed the United Nations on Tuesday morning. Asked for their opinions after the speech, the President said it ‘went very well’; Ivanka Trump called it “excellent” and Eric Trump asked if it was time for lunch yet.

  • Trump again referred to Kim Jong-Un as ‘Rocket Man’ and said the North Korean leader was on a “suicide mission” – hinting that the President enjoys Heavy Metal as well as Classic Rock.

In Geneva, Switzerland, investigators are questioning two Spanish women who flushed 100,000 Euros down toilets at a UBS bank branch and several nearby restaurants. Speculation is that the women were involved in money laundering, or panicked when discovering the bank and restaurants lacked a bidet.

Sunday night’s Emmy Awards set a record for lowest-rated Emmy broadcast, a claim expected to be repeatedly disputed by surprise guest Sean Spicer.

A study in the journal Child Development finds that teenagers of today are slower than teens of the 70s, 80s & 90s to take steps toward independence such as driving, getting a job and dating. Teens reacting to the survey said “whatever”.