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Facebook states Russia is the ‘King of Disinformation’ on their platform – at least until Donald Trump’s ban is reviewed again in five months.

Stanford University reversed its decision to drop 11 sports – including sailing, rowing, fencing and field hockey – after determining they could pull in about $20 million from celebrities trying to get their kids on the teams.

Joe Biden asked intelligence agencies to redouble their efforts to determine the origin of COVID-19, so CIA interrogators are turning up the heat on bats & pangolins.

Facebook & Instagram will now let users hide likes on posts, assuming, that is, you’re getting any.

New research claims the maximum human life span is 150 years old, since humans over 120 lack any ability to heal themselves. They determined this by beating up a bunch of 120-year-olds.

Ohio announced the first results of its Vax-A-Million COVID-19 vaccination lottery. A woman won a million dollars, a teen boy won a full-ride college scholarship, and dozens were hospitalized after getting multiple extra vaccines using fake names.

Tens of thousands of residents are fleeing the Congolese city of Goma, as experts warned the Mount Nyiragongo volcano could erupt again. The experts are all students in the Goma Junior High science fair.

Google made it easier to transfer emailed photos, introducing a new ‘Save To Photos’ button in Gmail. They’re planning to expand the function to unwanted harrassing photos, with a ‘Send To Police’ button.

A viral video shows two bees collaborating to open the screw cap on a bottle of Fanta orange soda – then angrily stinging the person it belongs to when they realize it’s sugar-free.

A Philadelphia 76ers fan dumped popcorn on Washington Wizards’ Russell Westbrook in last night’s NBA playoff game. If identified, the fan’s punishment will be to wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey with his jaw wired shut in a lousy seat at an upcoming Philadelphia Eagles home game.

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In Japan, 1,000 people were stuck in their cars overnight in a 9-mile long traffic jam caused by snow, and a guy trying to parallel park.

A hostile Russian hacking campaign is much bigger than initially thought, according to the CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, and a kid in D.C. who said Zoom didn’t work as he skipped virtual school.

Vice President Mike Pence received the COVID-19 vaccine, once Mother arrived to hold his hand.

Alabama workers at an Amazon warehouse are voting on becoming the first U.S. union of Amazon employees. They’re seeking higher wages, better healthcare, and larger bottles to piss in during their shifts.

The Securities and Exchange Commission fined online trading company Robinhood $65 million for misleading investors. They’ll transfer the funds to the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Jeremy Bulloch, a British actor who portrayed Boba Fett in the original Star Wars trilogy, died at age 75, surrounded by family and Ewoks.

Five crew members have reportedly quit Mission Impossible 7 after another COVID protocol rant from Tom Cruise. The workers said they didn’t quit, they just listened to Cruise and refused to accept their mission.

McDonald’s is putting cameras in their garbage dumpsters. The cameras are measuring efficiency of recycling efforts, and gathering feedback to see how sick raccoons are getting from eating McRib.

Winter storm Gail dumped almost four feet of snow in the Southern Tier of New York State. Governor Andrew Cuomo declared a state of emergency, and the opening of New York’s first COVID-19 ICI units – Intensive Care Igloos.

Harley-Davidson debuted its new Serial 1 electric bicycles. They can reach 20mph on electric power, cost between $3,400 -$5,000, and will be used by the least-scary biker gang in history.

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Tim McGraw collapsed onstage at the Country To Country Festival in Dublin, Ireland – forcing him to cancel the rest of his show. Medics administered a ‘country music I.V.’ of whiskey and tears, and McGraw was stabilized.

Sid Luft, deceased husband of late actress Judy Garland, claims in his memoir that Garland was molested by actors playing munchkins on the set of The Wizard Of Oz. Garland told Luft she knew it was the munchkins and not her other co-stars because there wasn’t any straw, oil or fur on her clothing.

Porn star Stormy Daniels offered to return the $130,000 she received as part of a non-disclosure agreement with Donald Trump’s lawyer. Trump has not responded, but sources say he’d take the money from Daniels, depending on where on her body she hid the check.

Google Maps commemorated ‘Mario Day’ [Mar 10] by allowing the app’s users to navigate as Nintendo’s Mario for the week. So far state police have reported over a dozen drivers plunging to their death attempting shortcuts on Rainbow Road.

President Trump fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State, just weeks after Tillerson announced “I’ll here for all of 2018.” Tillerson said what he meant was he’d be at the State Department for all of 2018 more minutes.

President Trump nominated Gina Haspel to be the first female to head the CIA. Haspel’s candidacy faces stiff opposition over her alleged involvement in operating torture sites in Thailand, where inmates were said to have been repeatedly waterboarded in between having to watch Fried Green Tomatoes with her.

Fitbit is launching a fitness tracker for kids. It logs their increased heart rate and how many steps they take running from bullies.

A New Hampshire judge ruled that the woman winning a $560 million Powerball jackpot may remain anonymous. Her name will not be published, but meanwhile there’s an ordinary woman pulling in to a Cumberland Farms in a Rolls Royce wearing a floor length chinchilla coat and a diamond tiara.

A 68-year-old woman on a casual fishing trip in Australia caught a 130-pound fish bigger than herself. Asked the key to making such a catch, she said getting the fish to talk about itself.

President Trump travels to California for the first time as President on Tuesday. He’s expected to visit San Diego to look at prototypes for his Mexico border wall — in case you were wondering why the entire state was out of gold paint.

 

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London’s Old Vic Theater, where Kevin Spacey once served as Artistic Director, reportedly received 20 complaints of Spacey’s sexual misconduct – 15 evening performances, and 5 matinees.

According to a new Pennsylvania law, leaving your dog out in the cold is a felony. Leaving your spouse or lover out in the cold is still classified as a country song.

Nigeria qualified for the 2018 South Korea Winter Olympics in women’s bobsled, and are raising money to fund the trip with the world’s worst bake sale.

Swedish publication Scientific Reports published a study claiming that for people living alone, dog ownership decreased their risk of death by 33% and their risk of cardiovascular death by 36%. The study also found that if those same people died, there was a 100% lower risk of the dog going hungry.

Amidst the tight race for U.S. Senate, a rally was held outside of the Alabama state capitol by a group called ‘Women for Moore’.  When asked why they were there, they said they were really called ‘Women for More’ and they sought to improve elementary education in the state.

A rare Leonardo da Vinci painting sold at auction for $450.3 million, to an anonymous telephone bidder who chose the Easy Pay installment option.

Tesla opened the two largest supercharging stations for its electric vehicles in California. Like many highway rest stops, the stations have a lounge, restrooms, a dog walking area, – and are hoping to add prostitutes.

Tesla also debuted its new high-performance Roadster. It will go from 0-60mph in 1.9 seconds, equalling the speed of people walking away from conversations with new owners of a Tesla Roadster.

Congressional investigators say that Jared Kushner has not provided requested documents related to a ‘Russian Backdoor Overture’ discussed in emails during the campaign. Democrats believe the mention of a Russian Backdoor Overture may prove that the infamous Trump Pee Tape has a second act.

  • CIA Operatives called the Russian Backdoor Overture ‘like a Dirty Sanchez, but with Tchaikovsky as mood music.’

President Trump took to Twitter, criticizing Senator Al Franken over sexual abuse allegations by calling him “Frankenstien’ (sic).  “Now tweet about me!” said Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf.

 

 

 

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Researchers at MIT have created tiny transforming robots, called ‘Primers’, outfitted with exoskeletons that change shape — allowing them to swim, walk, roll, glide..and star in at least five terrible movies.

According to a new survey from YouGov Omnibus, half of American adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 50 years; and 80% of Japanese adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 30 minutes.

Comedian DL Hughley said on his radio show that it’s easier to buy 10 guns than it is to buy two packs of Sudafed. An NRA spokesman replied, saying that’s because guns are proven to be more effective at clearing nasal congestion.

President Trump hosted a meeting at the White House to commemorate October as Hispanic Heritage Month. He asked if any of the Hispanic women in attendance had breast cancer so he could knock out two meetings at once.

Sesame Street launched new video tools to help children coping with trauma, starting with “Elmo Totally Just Can’t Even Right Now” and “Oscar The Grouch Wasn’t Carrying Flood Insurance“.

The Supreme Court ruled that employers can’t be forced to cover birth control as part of their health insurance offerings, so if you have your eye on that hot cashier at Hobby Lobby, budget for condoms.

AOL Instant Messenger will shut down for good in December, feted with a gala sendoff from sex cam models who retired on the money they made there.

Netflix is raising prices on its flagship service from $11.99/month to $13.99/month; in a move expected to draw outrage from cord-cutting millennials who spend $5/day on coffee.

Top CIA officials were quoted this week saying that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is a ‘rational actor’ with ‘long term goals’ – and that he is ‘not crazy’. Asked if they were willing to say the same things about President Trump, they looked at their phones and said they had to take a call.

Lin Manuel-Miranda is set to release a new song ‘Almost Like Praying’ to benefit Puerto Rico disaster relief.  You have to wait six months to hear it at a cost of $500.