By |

A couple ‘magnet fishing’ in Corona Park, Queens retrieved a metal safe containing $100,000 in waterlogged cash. A different couple ‘concrete block fishing’ in the East River caught multiple skeletons of Teamsters missing for decades.

President Biden issued an executive order shutting down the Mexican border once the count of illegal immigrants exceeds 2,500 per day. The Border Patrol is busy each morning installing delicatessen ticket rolls that go up to 2,499.

Thomas Manzo, ex-husband of Real Housewives of New Jersey Dina Manzo, was arrested for hiring a mobster to beat up her new boyfriend. Thomas Manzo was also sued for breach of contract by Bravo network for not letting them film it.

Hunter Biden is currently on trial for illegally purchasing a gun while using crack cocaine, a felony. His trial will be followed by a dozen defendants accused of selling guns while on a crack cocaine, a popular hobby in Wilmington, Delaware.

WNBA rookie Angel Reese of the Chicago Sky was ejected from the team’s loss to New York for back-to-back technical fouls. Reese, who earns $81,000/year, was assessed the league’s highest penalty – three games without makeup or false eyelashes.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft launched, sending two astronauts to the International Space Station. Boeing officials say the Starliner mission is going as planned, with the capsule door expected to blow off, dumping the astronnauts on to the ISS porch.

An oncologist said dying people’s four most common last phrases are “tell me you love me”; “I love you”; “forgive me”; and “I forgive you”…..followed by “turn up the tv”, among people who die more suddenly.

East Coast wildlife officials are warning of Joro spiders, venomous flying arachnids with 4-inch legs. They’ve been predicted to arrive in New York and New Jersey since 2022, but have had a tough time finding affordable housing.

A Philadelphia mother has gone viral for building a $29,000 ‘Cinderella castle’ for her daughter’s prom send-off. Her date’s father spent considerably less on his son’s prom send-off, $9 for a 3-pack of condoms.

The Marubo, a remote Brazilian tribe in the Amazon jungle was finally connected to the Internet thanks to Elon Musk’s Starlink service – but tribal leaders say many are now addicted to porn and social media. However, they don’t seem to mind the five-figure weekly checks for the Marubo Mamas OnlyFans.

By |

Dating website Bumble cut 350 employees – but a least a woman got to decide who lost their job.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler Boebert was arrested and charged with five counts of felony theft. He’s scheduled to appear in court and announce his run for Congress.

Oprah is leaving WeightWatchers, according to her spokesperson and her bathroom scale.

A urologist posting on CNN said that healthy urine should be slightly tinted in color, but still “clear enough to read through”. Not surprisingly, no one else will use the iPad in his bathroom.

A Missouri couple was married in a hospital while the bride was in labor. They’re registered at the accounts receivable department of St. Luke’s General.

Wendy’s said their new variable pricing plan isn’t “surge pricing”, but rather a plan to offer discounts during slow periods. They say they’d rather sell almost-expired burgers because there’s only so much chili they can make in a day.

Adam Sandler said he’s starstruck by Taylor Swift, and that the singer “makes him nervous” — but not as nervous as talking to Taylor Swift and having Rob Schneider ask to to join them.

A new mammogram center in a Walmart diagnosed their first positive breast cancer case within weeks of opening. Other women were told they didn’t have breast cancer, so they asked for a raincheck.

Allison Tennyson, 34, was profiled by a news outlet because she claims her Ehlers-Danios Syndrome makes her allergic to both semen and condoms. Her boyfriend calls it kind of a bad news/good news situation.

A British mom lifted a slab in her backyard and discovered a 160-foot, underground World War II-era bomb shelter .. and her teenage son’s porn collection.

By |

Obesity has been linked to infertility in women – leading guys who dislike condoms to reconsider their attitudes regarding “bigger chicks”.

Simon Gallup, longtime bassist for goth rockers The Cure, announced he’s leaving the band because he’s “fed up with betrayal”. And, fed up with having to have black hair.

The U.S. first daytime drive-in movie theater opened in Tennessee, featuring a gigantic LED screen. Sadly, a dozen kids died in hot cars watching a matinee.

Officials seized thousands of counterfeit golf clubs made in China. “Well that explains it” said terrible golfers who still suck after buying new clubs.

Joe Biden stands by his decision to pull out of Afghanistan, while Donald Trump stands by his decision to stay in Stormy Daniels.

A new study claims plant-based diets are the best way to avoid heart disease. “What’s the second-best way?” asked Americans.

Texas became the first state to make buying sex a felony. Owners are busy changing the sign to ‘The Best Little Accupressure Therapy House In Texas’.

The first ever Colorado River water shortage was declared. Production of Coors Light beer remains unimpacted, thanks to their strategic reserves of animal piss.

Britney Spears posted a gallery of topless photos on Instagram. “Damn” said Kevin Federline during his break at Big Lots.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars cut Tim Tebow, who attempted to reboot his career by moving from quarterback to tight end – this, before the Jaguars made him a loose end.

By |

Nevada is limiting Thanksgiving gatherings to 10 people. They also announced a Thursday pay-per-view fight between the 10th & 11th guys in line for turkey dinner at a Las Vegas homeless shelter.

A new study claims people over age 45 are at greater risk of sexually transmitted infections, because they’re no longer worried about pregnancy, and because can you believe how much money they want for condoms these days?!

A viral video shows a Florida man pulling a puppy from the mouth of an alligator. The puppy is fine, and the alligator is considering adopting a kitten.

Melania Trump is planning to decorate the White House for Christmas one last time, according to a stock clerk at the nearby Ollie’s Bargain Outlet who said they’re sold out of inflatables.

New York City cops broke up an 80-person swingers party in Queens over the weekend. Police did praise those in attendance for using protection, and for finding inventive new uses for Purell.

British pro soccer player Darnell Fisher faces league discipline after being caught grabbing an opponent’s penis twice. He wasn’t carded, because he avoided touching the balls.

150 cold-stunned turtles – who couldn’t navigate to warmer water in time – were rescued on or near Cape Cod beaches, then moved to safety…slowly.

The first COVID-19 vaccines will likely require individuals to get two shots, one where the health professional tries to give it to you, and a second time where you stop being a pussy and sit still.

Donald Trump Jr said that, despite his COVID-19 positive test, he’s completely asymptomatic. He then asked his girlfriend if that means he feels good or not.

New York City residents are spraying their cars with cinnamon and mint oil to ward off giant rats that chew through wiring and damage engines. Rats are reportedly frustrated, but they smell amazing.

By |

Police charged three people with murder after finding a dead body wrapped in plastic on the roof of a New York City McDonald’s. Though cops were pretty happy to finally be dealing with a corpse that smelled like french fries.

20-year-old pairs figure skater Ekaterina Alexandrovskaya died. Her funeral is scheduled for six months from now, when the guy finally finishes chiseling her name into a grave stone.

Some companies are embracing the concept of ‘open hiring’ – where employees are hired without resumes or interviews. The companies still have Human Resources departments, because they need to fire people and plan office birthday parties in the break room.

Football stars trended the hashtag #WeWantToPlay while criticizing the NFL’s lack of a comprehensive plan for coronavirus. In response, the league announced the COVID-19 Protocol, where every concussed player gets a free coronavirus exam in the tent.

Model Chrissy Teigen posted pics of scars on her breasts, claiming “nobody believes” that she had breast reduction surgery. She’ll post more racy pics no one asked for because “nobody believes” she’s getting enough attention.

Black staffers at Fox News accused the channel’s executives of creating a ‘white supremacist cell’.  The execs disagreed, saying that it’s really a large cluster of cells.

Donald Trump told Fox News Chris Wallace he ‘aced’ a cognitive skills test, and Wallace countered by saying one of the skills was ‘counting backward from 100 by 7s’. Trump said he’s so smart, he was able to get from 100 to 0 in just three numbers.

Kanye West reportedly wants Jay Z to be his vice presidential running mate. Jay Z said he doesn’t need the hundredth problem.

The Director of Pediatric Medicine at Tufts University says teens need access to condoms to prevent them using alternatives like plastic wrap and plastic bags – because many times they decide to have sex somewhere other than their kitchen.

A U.S. Customs & Border Patrol team has been moved from the U.S./Mexico border to Portland, Oregon to deal with a wave of protests, and to pick up some exttra cash helping Mexican drug lords get product to far-away Portland, Oregon.

 

By |

A ‘Women of NASA’ LEGO set will be released on November 1st.  Collectors are already demanding to know why Princess Leia isn’t included in it.

  • The hope is that the set will encourage more young women to pursue careers in STEM fields, or to get jobs stacking bricks.

Boston company Global Protection introduced myONE Perfect fit, a line of 60 custom-fit condoms offered in 10 different lengths and 9 different widths, all of which ship in foil packages labeled XXL.

  • Men interested in trying the product can download a kit to measure their penis, to ensure both proper fit and guaranteed disappointment in the result.

SeaWorld announced they’re laying off 350 workers. Employees arrived to find notes pinned to the tanks reading “Go, fish.”

Ivanka Trump contributes several paragraphs to her mother Ivana’s memoir Raising Trump, claiming that she went through a “punk phase”. As proof, Ivanka produced ticket stubs from a Jem and the Holograms concert.

Billy Joel’s wife is pregnant, answering critics who state he hasn’t come out with anything new in decades.

Google Maps removed a feature where walking distances were equated to the number of cupcake calories burned, after complaints that it would trigger those with eating disorders. Critics complained that the move was too politically correct, and that people with eating disorders are probably driving to get their cupcakes anyway.

Secret Service agents arrested a Kentucky man after he scaled the White House fence wearing a Pikachu costume. The incident inspired a new mobile game, Pokemon Freeze Or We’ll Blow Your Head Off.

Delta Airlines debuted its new Airbus A350 widebody jet on Tuesday in Atlanta, taking journalists on a 2p demonstration flight that left at 5p due to mechanical issues.

The National Retail Federation projects Halloween spending will hit a record high of $9.1 Billion this year. Spending on costumes projects at $3.4 Billion, candy at $2.7 Billion, and the rest spent on decorations, DUI lawyers, and pressure washers to clean houses that give out candy corn.

Florida Governor Rick Scott declared a state of emergency in advance of white supremacist Richard Spencer’s scheduled speech at the University of Florida in Gainesville. Spencer’s speech is a ticketed event, as opposed to most southern racism, which is general admission.

 

 

 

 

By |

Church & Dwight, the owner of Trojan, reports that condom sales are down.  Researchers say that 17-25 year-olds are having less sex because they’re distracted by their smartphones. And of those that do, the men have improved negotiating skills.

  • For its part, Trojan says it’s using digital advertising to “try and get young people off their phones and using Trojan condoms”. So in addition to ads touting the benefits of Trojan, the company is also advertising prostitutes.

Fox Networks and T-Mobile announced they’ll be running a new 6-second ad format during Sunday’s Cowboys/Broncos game – giving football fans a few days to practice urinating in 6 seconds.

‘Bluetiful’ is the name of the new Crayola crayon chosen by fans after two months of online voting. It will debut later this year; toddlers are eager to see how it tastes.

Frank Giaccio, an 11 year-old boy who wrote to President Trump asking to mow the White House lawn, did just that on Friday morning. The President patted Frank on the back and called him “the future of our country…especially with all of those DACA immigrants I’m letting stay here now..”

  •   11 year-old Barron Trump asked his mother “what’s the thing that boy is pushing around in our yard?”

Barron Trump will appear in a father-and-son White House portrait, keeping the President’s promise to see him every couple of days.

President Trump used Twitter to call on ESPN to “apologize for untruth”. ESPN apologized for calling new analyst Rex Ryan a football genius.

Rovio, maker of Angry Birds, plans an initial public stock offering that would put its market value at a billion dollars. Rovio’s founder said if the company beats the billion-dollar level, he’ll probably quit the game.

NASA concluded an eight-month experiment where six researchers were isolated atop a Hawaiian volcano to simulate life on Mars. The researchers were eager to finally get pizza and see if the country had changed Presidents.

Heather Locklear was sent to the hospital following a car crash. Locklear’s representative said her condition will be revealed next Thursday at 8PM!!