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Fitbit is updating its Charge 4 fitness tracker to measure blood oxygen levels, and, presumably, oxygen levels in the drawer where you left it.

The first doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine arrived in Iowa, as farmers fought to get their cows to the front of the line.

Johnson & Johnson announced they expect a COVID-19 vaccine for children around September. Unlike their adult treatment, the children’s vaccine is two doses – a COVID vaccine, and a powerful sedative given before it to prevent meltdowns.

Google says it won’t use new ways of tracking user activity on the web, adding that they know pretty much everything they need to know about you already.

NASA’s Mars Perseverance rover deployed its wind sensor. Mars is 80 degrees below zero, but the “real feel” temp for Martians is 120 below with the wind chill.

A cuttlefish passed a cognitive development test designed for human children. The cuttlefish’s mother then demanded that it be assigned to the gifted school.

Texas announced plans to fully reopen the state and end a face mask mandate, following intense lobbying from Senator Ted Cruz, whose wacky Spring Break hijinks movie begins filming this week on South Padre Island.

Microsoft introduced Mesh, a new virtual reality meeting platform designed to share 3D imagery. So far they’ve booted dozens of male holograms for exposing themselves.

Dolly Parton received her first dose of the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine, and sang a version of her hit ‘Jolene’ changed to ‘Vaccine’. She plans to also release ‘Virus In the (Blood) Stream’, ‘I Will Always Stick You’, and ‘9 to 5′ – How Long You’ll Wait In Line’.

The Washington Football Team will not have cheerleaders in 2021, choosing instead to field a Coed Dance Squad, in order to create an environment where all genders and orientations can be objectified and harassed.

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Alex Smith, the NFL Comeback Player of the Year in 2020, is expected to be waived by the Washington Football Team, making him eligible for 2021 Cutback Player of the Year.

Health experts seeking inclusivity for transgender and non-binary parents are using the term “chest milk” instead of “breast milk”. “Whatever, we’re starving here” said babies.

Two women were injured when their car became airborne and wedged between two New Jersey Turnpike tollbooths at Exit 14C in Jersey City. First responders believe the driver was attempting to use the Difficult Pass lane. [Story h/t to John L.!]

Mitt Romney was knocked unconscious and received stitches after taking a fall in Boston over the weekend. Donald Trump then put his Mitt Romney voodoo doll back in the drawer.

NASA’s Mars Perseverance rover uses the same computer processor as an iMac computer manufactured in 1998 – which explains its email address RoverDude98@aol.com.

Dental x-ray scanners were used to read a handwritten letter from the year 1697 without opening it, which begins “Dearest Penthouse Forum, you shant not believe what happened…”

Researchers at the Technion Israel Institute of Technology created a black hole in their lab, which has been great for advancing science, but not so great considering how many workers lost the coffee and lunches they set on it.

A woman in Japan reportedly died after receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. A cause of death has not been established, but they suspect it’s the speeding bus that hit her.

Dr. Seuss’ estate says six of his books will stop being published because of racist and insensitive imagery, including ‘Horton Hears All Lives Matter’ and ‘Oh, The Neighborhoods You’ll Never Go’.

The owner of a cockfighting rooster in India died when the blade attached to the bird’s foot severed his artery. The cocks were asked to observe a moment of silence, but didn’t know how.

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Archaeologists are studying the remains of the oldest dog found on the American continent. But they still haven’t been able to remove the knotted-up rope from its mouth.

The U.S. Postal Service shared photos of its new, gas-&-electric-powered mail trucks. They’re scheduled to be on the road in 2023, so look for them in 2025.

Discovery Channel is airing a new documentary ‘Attack of the Murder Hornets’ about the killer insects. Meanwhile, rival network TLC is airing ‘My 6 Ounce Life’ about an obese murder hornet desperate to lose weight.

Health officials identified a new California strain of coronavirus. They say it’s deadly, but may be weakened with bread because it’s reeeeally trying to cut out gluten.

Two Australians were incorrectly injected with the COVID-19 vaccine. The nurse pushed the needle all the way through her thumb.

Chicago, Illinois State Representative Marcus C. Evans introduced a bill to ban violent videogames like ‘Grand Theft Auto’ in response to a rise in real-life carjackings. He also wants to remove barrels from the gorilla enclosure at the Chicago Zoo.

An Oklahoma veterinarian shared a photo of Skipper, a shepherd/border collie mix with six legs. The dog was rescued from an Oklahoma farmer who thought it was a really big spider.

An American Airlines pilot reported a “large, cylindrical object” flying over his jet at 35,000 feet en route from Kentucky to Arizona. He then finished off the bourbon bottle and landed in Phoenix.

A homeless malnourished sheep found wandering in rural Australia was rescued and shorn of over 77 pounds of wool. Its condition was upgraded to ‘stable, but cold’.

Facing a steep population decline, Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orban is spending huge sums of money to encourage women to have babies – starting with the intern he just hired.

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Barack Obama & Bruce Springsteen are producing a podcast about marriage, music and American Life. Toby Keith & Donald Trump are launching their own podcast, to talk about how much they hate Bruce Springsteen & Barack Obama.

American Idol fans were angry about a trans boy being sent home from his audition, while a lesser talent singing a Pitbull song advanced. The judges defended their choice, saying Hollywood has room for two lesser talents singing Pitbull songs.

Karachi, Pakistan is training a rollerblade police force. Several bank robbers have evaded capture by covering their escape route with Tinkertoys.

Tiger Woods suffered leg injuries in a car crash. Initial reports said he had to be removed with the jaws of life, but medics were able to get him out with a wedge.

The FDA confirmed the efficacy and safety of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine, especially in severe cases. J&J is calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

Texas won a court case halting the Biden Administration’s 100-day ban on deporting illegal immigrants. Said illegal immigrants “it’s okay, you can deport us, its freezing here”.

A German court convicted a Syrian officer for crimes against humanity, for sending protestors to a prison known for using torture. Because if there’s a country that knows about crimes against humanity, it’s Germany.

Jim Bell, Chief Financial Officer of Gamestop, is resigning, informing coworkers with a message on his computer screen reading GAME OVER.

New York City is reopening movie theaters, just in time for the big premiere of nothing much.

China’s Tianwen-1 Mars expedition craft entered a ‘parking orbit’ prior to landing. China’s Mars rover is expected to touch down in May, then promptly back into NASA’s Perseverance rover.

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After six years in prison, hip-hop star Bobby Shmurda was released on Shparole.

Disney+ placed an ‘offensive content’ warning before some episodes of The Muppet Show. including Dr. Teeth & the Elecrric Mayhem’s cover of the Rolling Stones’ ‘Some Girls’.

NASA’s Perseverance rover sent back a recording of the wind on Mars, followed by a robotic sounding “excuse me”.

Six Flags will reopen all of its theme parks in 2021 and will hire ‘thousands’ of employees – including specialists trained to tell the difference between COVID vomiting and roller-coaster vomiting.

Stevie Wonder told Oprah Winfrey he’s moving to Ghana – or at least that’s what he thinks is going to happen.

Dr. Dre calls estranged wife Nicole Young a “greedy bitch” in a new rap, which he made the unfortunate choice of debuting in a family court hearing.

Martin Gugino, the elderly Buffalo man whose skull was fractured after being pushed to the ground by cops last summer during Black Lives Matter protests, is suing the city for millions in damages, although he’s expected to settle for a condo in Florida.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed a bill legalizing recreational marijuana, although state-sanctioned sales won’t be available until completion of the New Jersey Turnpike’s Wu-Tang Clan Service Area.

Meghan McCain criticized COVID vaccine distribution, asking “how I, Meghan McCain, co-host of The View” can’t know when she’ll be eligible. Ironically, many of her viewers are eligible because their immune systems are compromised from listening to Meghan McCain.

Emma Colonel Aspuro, 31-year-old wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested on drug & conspiracy charges. She was detained after arriving at Dulles Airport in Virginia after emerging from the tunnel connecting it to Tijuana.

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A 30-year-old Georgia substitute teacher was arrested after recording video of herself secretly masturbating in front of a second grade class. “Hey, it beats doing multiplication tables” said a student.

Suzanne Somers was doing a Facebook Live makeup tutorial with her husband when a male intruder entered her house and started talking to her. Three is apparently not “company”, but rather “misdemeanor unlawful entry”.

Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed on the terms of Donald Trump’s 2nd Impeachment Trial. Schumer agreed to keep it short, and McConnell agreed to make sure Democrats don’t get a conviction.

Hayley Hallmark, a 35-year-old Florida teacher and soccer coach, was arrested following a two-year affair with a female student. Hallmark said her goal was to show the student she cared enough to send her very best.

Paris Hilton returned to Utah to testify about alleged abuse she suffered at a private boarding school as a teenager. Hilton told legislators she was repeatedly subjected to harsh examinations to solve mathematical problems.

Mike Pence is launching a podcast, as soon as he stops getting distracted by the big, hard microphone.

Michelle Obama will star in a kids cooking show for Netflix, ‘Waffles & Mochi’. She’ll play a grocery store owner who helps two puppets – the title characters – try to become chefs despite failing to get a CARES Act small-business loan several times.

Walgreens COVID-19 vaccine signup page is reportedly crashing. The company said the website can’t handle the added volume for vaccine inquiries on top of visits from cheapskate men looking for Valentiine’s Day gifts.

Sotheby’s is selling a rare pair of Nike Hyperdunk high-top basketball sneakers designed for President Obama for $25,000. Meanwhile, Big Lots is selling Russian made MAGADunks donut-eating slippers for much less.

A GoFundMe to help Tessica Brown – the Louisiana woman who sprayed Gorilla Glue on her hair – raised over $13,000. She’ll fly to Los Angeles where a plastic surgeon will determine she forgot she’s been wearing a wig.

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A New Jersey man received the first-ever successful face and double-hand transplant. “Don’t give me that look” said his girlfriend.

Experts warn the U.K. variant of COVID-19 could be the most deadly, going so far as calling it The British Cooking of Respiratory Illnesses.

In a secret ballot, Republicans in the House of Representatives voted 145-61 to keep Liz Cheney in her leadership post. However, they voted 196-10 to denounce ‘veggie platter’ as the snack served during the meeting.

Back-country skiers have died in separate avalanche incidents in Colorado, Utah, and New Hampshire. In each case, calls to resign have been ignored by local Saint Bernards.

Some Sam’s Club warehouse store locations are ready to administer COVID-19 vaccines, provided you need 50 of them.

Researchers are concerned that a lethal disease killing chimpanzees in Sierra Leone – that’s a 99% DNA match for COVID-19 – will jump to humans. Local health officials continue to to advise humans to stop making out with chimpanzees.

After multiple players tested positive for COVID-19 , the National Women’s Hockey League cancelled its ‘bubble’ season in Lake Placid, New York. It’s a crippling blow to the league, and the two budget hotels in Lake Placid, New York.

Following his positive diagnosis, Michael Strahan returned to ‘Good Morning America’ to say “You don’t want COVID…but you DO want these terrific deals on TVs for the big game!”

The New York Times published an article about Jonathan Jacob Meijer, a Dutch musician who allegedly fathered over 300 children via sperm donation – and boy, is his arm tired.

LEGO announced they’ll refuse to make or sell products based on modern military equipment. Kids wanting to shoot the s**t out of LEGO people will just have to use the Millenium Falcon.

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McDonald’s is bringing back Spicy McNuggets, after the FDA found they kill the coronavirus on customer’s unwashed hands.

Most U.S. states have reported cases of the U.K. coronavirus variant. People with the virus feel terrible, except for 3 to 4pm when the virus breaks for tea.

Messaging platform Discord shut down the WallStreetBets server, where individual investors had rallied to counter hedge fund positions in GameStop stock. Since 98% of the group was already on an Incel [Involuntarily Celibate] group server, it wasn’t a big deal.

Spacewalking astronauts attempted to fix a European science platform outside the International Space Station. One European astronaut died when he lifted his facemask after stepping outside to smoke.

A new study claims reflected light from the full moon changes people’s sleep patterns without their realizing it. It also changes sleep patterns of people who do realize it as they run from werewolves.

Apple is reportedly testing a virtual reality headset, that you can wear to imagine being someone who has $1,200 to spend on an iPhone.

Facebook’s Independent Oversight Board met for the first time, overturning several decisions to remove posts, including some involving adult nudity. So, see for yourself if you think Stormy Daniels accurately described Donald Trump’s hog.

Students at Liberty High in Florida – where school resource officer Ethan Fournier was recorded body-slamming a female student – want Fournier fired. The Chemistry Club has also cancelled Fournier’s order for tear gas.

COVID-sniffing dogs checked arriving fans at a Miami Heat game for the first time. Things went smoothly, but the dogs were shocked that Snausages cost $9 each.

People stranded in a snowstorm in Oregon while returning from a COVID vaccine clinic used leftover vaccines to innoculate other stranded motorists. Oregon officials told impatient seniors not to drive their cars into snow drifts to speed things up.

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HGTV’s Christina Anstead changed her Instagram profile to her maiden name, Haack, following her divorce from Ant Anstead. She also hired an exterminator to get rid of Ant’s things.

Paris Hilton said she’s begun in vitro fertilization in the hope of having twins. She said the hardest part is how cold the eggs are after she takes them out of her refrigerator.

Tuesday marked the one-year anniversary of Kobe Bryant’s death. He spent the day trashing other deceased NBA players who won’t pass him the ball.

Tyler Perry received the COVID-19 vaccine, just in time for Friday’s release of his new film: ‘Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry Gets The COVID-19 Vaccine‘.

Trans actor Elliot Page and dancer wife Emma Portner are divorcing, following three years of marriage and arguing about who wears the pants in their family.

China is rolling out COVID testing using anal swabs, saying results are more accurate. However, getting volunteers to work the test sites has gotten tougher.

Florida’s ‘Paramedic Of The Year’ was arrested for forging COVID vaccine documents and attempting to steal doses. His Paramedic Of The Year award was in recognition of getting the most phone numbers from alcohol poisoned girls during Spring Break.

Democratic and Republican Senators reached a power-sharing agreement after discussions of preserving the filibuster. Donald Trump had supported keeping the filibuster, mainly because he thought it was a four-patty Big Mac.

Research indicates using profanity helps pain tolerance. The study followed women talking to their spouses and doctors during childbirth.

Joe Biden announced the purchase of 200 million more doses of COVID vaccines. Government watchdogs condemned the purchase, saying it fell well below the 250 million threshold to qualify for free shipping.

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Paleontologists say they’ve discovered the first preserved dinosaur butthole. They describe it as “unique”, “perfect”, and “tough enough to withstand the 10-foot long backbones of the other dinosaurs it ate”.

Donald Trump gave his final goodbye speech, telling a small crowd of supporters that he’ll be “back in some form”. Las Vegas oddsmakers believe that form will be either “convicted felon” or “bipedal lizard”.

Federal investigators added two more charges to Riley June Williams, the woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop. Video evidence was provided by Williams’ ex-boyfriend, who will be the first person to collect reward money for online stalking.

Pfizer told Canada it won’t receive any shipments of COVID-19 vaccines next week, since it needs more time to make them maple flavored.

Alec Baldwin left Twitter, making his portrayal of Donald Trump more accurate.

Warner Brothers announced a ‘prequel’ to ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’, to be released in 2023, called ‘Willy Wonka, Dwarf Collector‘.

Indianapolis Colts QB Philip Rivers announced his retirement after 17 NFL seasons, saying it’s safe to do so now that his 9 kids are all out of diapers.

A new study finds residents of multi-unit dwellings are more likely to contract COVID-19 – especially if the multi-unit dwelling has “senior” or “nursing” in its name.

Ivanka Trump wrote a self-congratulatory farewell letter to Washington, claiming she’d come there to “fight for American families” – specifically, the Trumps and Kushners.

Of the 100+ pardons issued by President Trump, there was none for ‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic, or ‘Lawyer King’ Rudy Eccentric.