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WWE’s stock price soared after releasing quarterly earnings. Executives attributed profits to cost savings from not having to buy wedding gifts for Nikki Bella and John Cena, and the robust U.S. economy providing more money for dumb people to buy WWE stuff.

Kristen Stewart has been cast as an Angel in the Charlie’s Angels movie reboot–where the Angels confront criminals and bore them to death.

Facebook had the worst day in U.S. stock market history, losing $132 billion in market value after forecasting slower earnings growth. It was so bad, Mark Zuckerberg vaguebooked “man, I can’t believe it” and received two million comments asking “what’s wrong?”

Over 700 immigrant children have yet to be reunited with their parents or families after being separated by Trump’s zero-tolerance immigration policy. What’s worse is that the Trump administration is charging the parents overtime for each hour they don’t arrive to pick up their kids at Donnie’s Day Care.

With over 200 cases reported since February, the Centers for Disease Control issued warnings for those raising chickens in their backyard to guard against salmonella. People are reminded to wash their hands, wear specific shoes while around the chickens and, if you live in the Deep South, use condoms.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones insists that players who want to remain on the Cowboys will need to stand for the National Anthem. Although they’ll still probably sit for the playoffs.

Amazon is beginning to roll out collaborative ‘wish lists’. They say it’s a great way for couples who loved specific wedding gifts to ask for duplicates before the divorce.

Apple announced free repair for its consumer devices that were damaged in the Japanese floods – just provide your name, address and device type and Apple will send you a large bag of rice.

New York City officials are moving to restrict the number of Uber and Lyft vehicles on the road, blaming rideshare cars for congestion, lower driver wages, and reduced opportunities for traditional cabbies to sexually harass passengers.

John ‘Papa John’ Schnatter is suing the company he founded, Papa John’s Pizza, to review internal documents related to his firing for using the n-word.  Papa John’s lawyers sent their response to Schnatter — late, tasteless, in a box with two wrinkled banana peppers.

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A Florida boy had to be rescued after he climbed inside of a toy claw machine in a restaurant lobby. Rescuers removed the boy, over the objections of his sister who demanded that they rescue a stuffed bear instead.

  • The boy was removed from the claw machine unharmed, so owners of the restaurant are now charging $10/hour for other diners to leave their children in it.

White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter resigned after reports he physically abused both of his two ex-wives. The White House hopes Porter is the last of the abusers on staff, but just in case they’re cancelling the ‘Win A Dream Date With Stephen Miller’ contest.

  • President Trump was reportedly ‘disheartened’, ‘surprised’ and ‘saddened’ by the reports of Porter’s spousal abuse, but told Porter to buck up, he can still be President someday.

Vladimir Putin admits that he doesn’t have a smartphone, saying that he already spends too much time on Facebook and Twitter making thousands of political posts each day.

Defense Secretary James Mattis said that undocumented ‘Dreamers’ currently enlisted in the U.S. military will not be deported;  rather, they’ll be sent on all-expenses-paid trips to exotic destinations such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

A California woman’s post – showing disgusting fungus & bacteria grown in a petri dish held under a restroom hand dryer – has gone viral. The maker of the hand dryer, World Dryer, challenged the photo, saying that the woman should have wiped the petri dish on her pants to properly complete the hand drying process.

L.L. Bean has cut back its legendary ‘Lifetime Return Policy’ to one year. So you’d better hope barn coats come back in style.

Samsung may have violated United Nations economic sanctions by giving Galaxy Note 8 phones to Olympic athletes from North Korea. Samsung dismissed the criticism, saying that the phones won’t work anyway on North Korea’s leading cell provider: Un Mobile.

President Trump signed a budget bill to avert the latest threat of a government shutdown, allowing White House employees to return to work backstabbing and sexually harassing each other.

 

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The Unicode Consortium announced 157 new emoji options will debut later this year. They include new smiley faces, sports and food – but sexual intercourse will still require using existing fruits and vegetables.

The widow of Richard Pryor said that the late comedian had sex with Marlon Brando. She said she wished they’d filmed it, making it the only funny movie Pryor would have appeared in.

Philadelphia expects 2 million revelers lining the streets for the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. With huge crowds and frigid cold, some are likening it to Philly’s annual New Years Day Mummers Parade – only this one brings races together and isn’t a national embarrassment.

Asked about the cost of the parade during a radio interview, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said “we’re paying for it…after 50-some years? We’ll find the money.” Kenney then announced that a 16-ounce soda bought in Philly will cost ten dollars.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave a marathon eight-hour speech on immigration to the House floor, Pelosi’s longest speech since giving her husband a recap of the 15-minute phone call she had with her sister earlier in the week.

Gloria Copeland, an evangelical minister and adviser to the Trump campaign, released a video saying that “Jesus is your flu shot”. While she’s been widely criticized, her followers agree that a quick chat with Jesus beats waiting 45 minutes in CVS.

President Trump’s plans for a July 4th ‘Military Parade’ is being criticized both for its purpose and its expense – not the least of which is the million dollars being demanded by Toby Keith to be Grand Marshal.

A naked man locked himself in the bathroom of an Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle, forcing the jet to return and remove him. Flight attendants said the man ‘wasn’t in his right mind’ and that he may have been trying to join the Mile Really Really High Club.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car pileup in Los Angeles. No one was injured and the actor exchanged information with the other two drivers, who called their friends so they could run into him and get his information too.

Omarosa made her debut on Celebrity Big Brother, and swiftly compared the show to the White House, saying that there’s backstabbing.  But that, on the bright side, there are far fewer people accused of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Big Brother House.

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12 year-old ventriloquist Darci Lynne Farmer is the new champion of America’s Got Talent, succeeding last year’s champion, then-12 year-old ukulele-playing singer Grace Vanderwaal. Producers plan to rename the show ‘America’s Got A Thing For Preteen Girls’.

General Electric Corporation is getting rid of its corporate jets to cut costs. Execs will now have to charter a plane, fly commercial, or befriend a rapper.

Archaeologists have discovered 75 million year-old fossilized dinosaur poop – along with a chiseled note from a Cro-magnon man threatening violence if he finds it outside of his cave again.

  • The poop contained crustacean shells and rotting wood, forcing scientists to reconsider their belief that dinosaurs were herbivores — now concluding that some of them dined at Red Lobster.

Ivanka Trump, appearing on the Dr. Oz show, said she suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to each of her three children. Ivanka said much of the depression came because of constant badgering from her father asking when she was getting her hot body back.

  • Responding to Ivanka’s revelation, Dr Oz asked her what postpartum depression is.

Apple said they’re working on a fix for the new Apple Watch Series 3, which sometimes fails to connect to cellular service while on unsecured wireless networks. Apple reiterated the important things are that they still get their money, and that purchasers still get to look like dorks talking to their watch like Dick Tracy.

To help fight the opioid epidemic, CVS Pharmacy said that it will limit new opioid prescriptions to a 7-day supply, but added that CVS ExtraCare loyalty card members will still get bottomless refills.

President Trump, speaking at a U.N. luncheon, referred to ‘Nambia’ — a non-existent African country — while praising its health care. A White House spokesperson acknowledged the mistake, saying the President was referring to Wakanda, and that he would personally apologize to the Nubian Prince T’Challa.

Melania Trump spoke out against bullying at the U.N. on Wednesday.  “Great speech” said Little Marco.

Rhode Island’s Governor said that the state will cover the $495 cost for DACA ‘Dreamers’ to extend their resident eligibility status, but that they’re on their own once they decide to wise up and leave Rhode Island.

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Hurricane Irma is expected to hit South Florida later this week. Experts are concerned that it will arrive as a Category 5 hurricane, but expressed hope that Irma will pass through EPCOT Center and die of boredom.

  • Florida residents are being told to either evacuate, or take cover in the nearest sinkhole.

Madonna told her Instagram followers that she’d moved to Lisbon, Portugal over the summer. She would have shared the news sooner, but needed time to perfect a phony Portugese accent.

A 9 year-old Turkish boy with a rare cardiac condition – Brugada syndrome – had his heart stop as he bit in to a hot dog. He was resuscitated, and finished the hot dog after his mother cut it in to small pieces.

The WNBA Atlanta Dream fired coach Michael Cooper after sending him a text reading ‘we need to talk’.

Avocado prices are soaring to record highs. Chipotle workers are now saying “a lot more”.

The Boston Red Sox are accused of stealing signs from the New York Yankees during games this past weekend using iPhones and an Apple Watch. The cheating was confirmed when Red Sox coaches congratulated the Yankees baserunners on reaching 10,000 steps.

  • Red Sox coaches admitted to Major League Baseball officials that they made pitching changes to stall for time while waiting for iOS Updates.

President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced plans to revoke DACA – Deferred Actions for Childhood Arrivals – raising fear among  ‘Dreamers’, illegal immigrants who arrived in the U.S. as children. Apple and Microsoft, however, promised to shield their ‘Dreamer’ workers, since those iPads and laptops aren’t going to build themselves.

A Swiss firm, Barry Callebaut, has introduced ‘red chocolate’, made from what it calls ruby cocoa beans. Red chocolate would join dark, milk and white chocolates as a cheap way to get through Valentine’s Day.

The Vice Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Stanley Fischer, announced he is stepping down October 13th. Fed Chairman Janet Yellen said that she is now planning the world’s most boring retirement party in the break room.

 

 

 

 

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An Oregon court ruled against a dog owner in a nuisance barking case, and ordered the owner to have the dog’s vocal cords surgically removed. The owner plans to appeal the ruling by Judge Mittens.

LEGO will cut 1,400 workers due to declining sales. The cuts are expected to come from Hardhat Guys, some of whom will enter retraining in hope of finding new jobs in Star Wars playsets.

76% of respondents to a U.S. Bank survey say that if they carry cash, they keep less than $50 on them. The remaining 24% actually go on dates.

Video game maker Nintendo has updated the profile of its iconic character Mario, saying that he’s no longer a plumber. The statement was verified by Mario’s former union, who revoked his certification after multiple reports of his wearing a raccoon suit and killing turtles while on the job.

Elon Musk predicted World War III will result from advances in Artificial Intelligence, but added that as long as Trump is president, the U.S. should have nothing to worry about.

A study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences concludes that female-named hurricanes are deadlier than male-named hurricanes – saying female hurricanes know where they’re going, and male hurricanes are reluctant to get directions.

Vladimir Putin said that North Koreans would rather “eat grass” than give up their nuclear weapons. North Koreans replied that if sanctions were lifted and they could get ranch dressing for the grass, they’d think about a deal.

Following President Trump’s decision to wind down DACA and target immigrant “dreamers”, the President of the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce resigned from Trump’s Diversity Council — effectively making it the Bunch of Diverse White Guys Council.

A South Carolina couple, claiming that they suffered damage to their vision after using eclipse glasses purchased from Amazon, is suing the retailer. The suit named the Sun and Moon as co-defendants.

The NBA’s Houston Rockets were sold for a record $2.2 Billion to restaurateur Tillman Fertitta. Fertitta said he was honored to be the team’s owner and looks forward to sitting courtside just as soon as he can save up more money to buy the seats.