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Facebook is in talks with banks to add your personal financial information to Messenger. “You Are Now Connected to the Hacker Who Will Drain Your Checking Account On Messenger” reads the notification that Facebook is preparing.

Bankruptcies among senior citizens have tripled since 1991 — explaining the Osmond Family Good Time Review playing to near-empty theaters in Branson, Missouri.

The long-horned tick, an invasive new species, is spreading in the U.S. The tick sucks up so much blood it can barely stand on its own. Experts say if you see one, grab it by its cane or walker and kill it.

Police were called after Kendall Jenner’s Doberman pinscher bit a young girl at an outdoor café. Jenner at first denied it, but was then showed the dog’s 500,000-follower Instagram account where it posted a picture biting the child’s hand with the caption “OMG I luv me sum bites on baby hands”.

The United States moved to restore economic sanctions against Iran that have been waived for the past two years. Among them, Iran will no longer be able to spend U.S. dollars, and their Amazon Prime privileges will be revoked, so they’ll have to settle for standard shipping.

Former White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was spotted boarding Air Force One for President Trump’s trip to a campaign rally in Ohio. However, since Hicks was in Boarding Group 6, she had to gate-check her bag because the overhead bins were all full of Diet Coke and KFC.

Singer Carrie Underwood is catching heat for saying that, at age 35, she thinks she missed out on the chance to have a “big family” to join her husband and 3-year-old son. Meanwhile three different 40+ Duggar women gave birth to seven children in the time it took Underwood to finish her quote.

Apple, Spotify, YouTube & Facebook removed Alex Jones InfoWars content. Jones and his fans complained but the four platforms said it never happened, it was all a hoax.

A masked man entered the studio of Wisconsin radio station WORT FM and fired a gun at three disc jockeys working there. One dj was struck in the buttocks and was treated for minor injuries; the other two were uninjured. The shooter remains at large, still angry that they wouldn’t play ‘Mr. Roboto.’

According to a CNBC profile, fewer than 1% of applicants to be Delta Airlines flight attendants get the job, compared to 4.8% of Harvard applicants who are accepted. “What’s Harvard Airlines?” asked a new Delta flight attendant.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Rams and New Orleans Saints will be the first two teams to welcome men to their respective cheerleading squads this season. The men will be held to the same rules against fraternizing with the players — you know which ones.

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Facebook and Instagram are adding dashboards to help track time spent on social media. “Wow, four hours a day is a lot of bullying!” said a cyberbully.

A survey from personal finance website Finder.com found that gin drinkers are the biggest “drunk shoppers” on Amazon. They were also the biggest “drunk shoppers” at brick & mortar stores before racking up so many DUIs.

Thieves stole two of Sweden’s crown jewels in a daring daylight heist in Stockholm. The criminals escaped in a speedboat and are still at large, despite Sweden putting all six of its cops on the case.

All 103 persons aboard an Aeromexico flight that crashed on Wednesday morning survived. Air travel experts weighed in on how everyone lived, saying that ‘tequila keeps everybody pretty relaxed.’

A man unknowingly rescued old books from a dumpster that had once belonged to Thomas Jefferson. Some were volumes by French theologian Pierre Charron – most were compilations of letters to 1800s Penthouse Forum about sex with black women.

A flight attendants union is petitioning the Department of Transportation to regulate the temperature aboard commercial aircraft. With the rise of sexually aggressive behavior on planes, the flight attendants are trying to eliminate any reason for weirdos to remove their shirts and pants.

Charlie Sheen is asking a judge to modify his child support, saying that he’s been unable to find steady work, and is in a “dire financial crisis” with less than $10 million in assets. Sheen is requesting that he be allowed to pay child support with cocaine.

The winners were announced in the New York State Craft Beer Competition. The big winner was Threes Brewing from Brooklyn, which took two medals; the big loser was Genesee, which took several judges’ livers.

Ivanka Trump shared an opinion that diverged from her father’s, saying she doesn’t think the media is the ‘enemy of the people’. She added that she thinks media is “hilarious” and “Boo! A Media Halloween” is her favorite Tyler Perry movie.

Thanks to a new law, catcallers in Paris face $870 on-the-spot fines for verbal sexual harassment. Police have yet to collect any money, though, since the male undercover cops they’ve been using to stroll past construction sites aren’t that hot.

Madonna said that Donald Trump’s presidency led her to move her family to Portugal – just in case anyone is struggling to find a positive outcome of the Trump presidency.

 

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Harley Davidson said that they’re introducing an electric motorcycle, the Livewire, in 2019. Early reviews from women straddling it say they’re not impressed.

The Food & Drug Administration is cautioning women about the safety and efficacy of so-called “vaginal rejuvenation” treatments. The FDA said they have not approved the treatments, especially those being offered as fundraisers for high school football teams.

An eight-year-old at a McDonald’s in West Virginia reportedly pricked her finger on a needle she picked up in the restaurant’s playground area.  McDonald’s announced at a news conference that Grimace had checked himself into a Charleston area rehab.

Salads & wraps sold at Kroger, Trader Joe’s and Walgreens are being recalled for possible contamination with parasites. People who purchased food at Walgreens are asked to discard the products or return them for a refund — and to take a long, hard look at the reasons they’re buying meals at a drug store.

Franklin, the first black ‘Peanuts’ character, turned 50 on Tuesday. Franklin said the death of cartoonist Charles Schulz left him with little hope that he’ll meet a black female Peanuts character.

Facebook confirmed the discovery of new “inauthentic” social media campaigns ahead of the midterm elections. They said they took them down because the Russians behind the campaigns wouldn’t pay extra to “boost” their posts.

Former Fox Network “Hell’s Kitchen” contestant Jessica Vogel passed away at age 34, and will audition to appear on “Heaven’s Kitchen”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that some parents are paying tutors $20/hour to help their children improve at popular video game Fortnite. One Washington, D.C. tutor reports earning $160/day tutoring a boy named Barron.

A McDonald’s in Canada mistakenly served a pregnant woman a cup of cleaning fluid instead of the latte she ordered.  A spokeswoman for McDonald’s said they didn’t want the pregnant woman ingesting so much caffeine.

66-year-old David Hasselhoff married 38-year-old model Hayley Roberts in Italy.  The couple were married by Hasselhoff’s longtime friend Kitt, who escorted the couple to their reception, got carried away and drove into a telephone pole.

 

 

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WWE’s stock price soared after releasing quarterly earnings. Executives attributed profits to cost savings from not having to buy wedding gifts for Nikki Bella and John Cena, and the robust U.S. economy providing more money for dumb people to buy WWE stuff.

Kristen Stewart has been cast as an Angel in the Charlie’s Angels movie reboot–where the Angels confront criminals and bore them to death.

Facebook had the worst day in U.S. stock market history, losing $132 billion in market value after forecasting slower earnings growth. It was so bad, Mark Zuckerberg vaguebooked “man, I can’t believe it” and received two million comments asking “what’s wrong?”

Over 700 immigrant children have yet to be reunited with their parents or families after being separated by Trump’s zero-tolerance immigration policy. What’s worse is that the Trump administration is charging the parents overtime for each hour they don’t arrive to pick up their kids at Donnie’s Day Care.

With over 200 cases reported since February, the Centers for Disease Control issued warnings for those raising chickens in their backyard to guard against salmonella. People are reminded to wash their hands, wear specific shoes while around the chickens and, if you live in the Deep South, use condoms.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones insists that players who want to remain on the Cowboys will need to stand for the National Anthem. Although they’ll still probably sit for the playoffs.

Amazon is beginning to roll out collaborative ‘wish lists’. They say it’s a great way for couples who loved specific wedding gifts to ask for duplicates before the divorce.

Apple announced free repair for its consumer devices that were damaged in the Japanese floods – just provide your name, address and device type and Apple will send you a large bag of rice.

New York City officials are moving to restrict the number of Uber and Lyft vehicles on the road, blaming rideshare cars for congestion, lower driver wages, and reduced opportunities for traditional cabbies to sexually harass passengers.

John ‘Papa John’ Schnatter is suing the company he founded, Papa John’s Pizza, to review internal documents related to his firing for using the n-word.  Papa John’s lawyers sent their response to Schnatter — late, tasteless, in a box with two wrinkled banana peppers.

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Facebook announced that they will no longer permit advertisers to target users based on their race or ethnicity. This is causing confusion and anger among older white women in the Midwest who don’t know why they’re seeing ads for braided wigs, oversized condoms and menthol cigarettes.

A meta-analysis combining 185 studies in which semen was collected over the past 40 years found that sperm concentration in men has steadily declined over a generation. “See baby we don’t need a condom” said men sharing a PowerPoint graph of the study findings with women they met at the bar.

An experimental Alzheimer’s drug, an antibody called BAN2401, is stirring hope after early trials. The drug provided an improvement of 26-30% in patient cognition over a placebo, meaning 26-30 participants actually remembered what study they were in.

The Boston Globe reported that the Necco Wafer candy factory has been abruptly closed — a huge relief to children who pretended to be grateful when given Necco Wafers by their grandparents.

Scientists discovered a liquid lake on Mars – they assume it’s where Martians piss while they’re on vacation.

A Cubs fan at Wrigley Field was struck by a metal tile that fell from the hand-operated center field scoreboard. The man required five staples to close a cut, which he received after singing Take Me Out To The Emergency Room.

Samsung is expected to announce the Galaxy Note 9 in a couple of weeks. It’s rumored to have a 4,000mAh battery, its largest ever. Experts say that’s the longest battery life of any mobile phone, expected to burn up to 12 hours.

Tammy DuBois, 52, of Pittsgrove, New Jersey was treated at an area hospital after she was attacked by a rabid fox and killed it with her bare hands. New Jerseyans have now taken to a new expression: “crazy like Tammy DuBois”. [story h/t to JL!]

Sombra, a drug-sniffing German Shepherd dog working for Colombian police – that has found 10 tons of cocaine trafficked by the Urabenos cartel – has been moved for its own safety after Urabenos made death threats. The dog’s fur was dyed blond and it now answers to ‘Sally’.

Waymo self-driving car service is offering to take customers on round-trips to pick up merchandise at WalMart. The move is being hailed as a breakthrough by chronic shoplifters that don’t own a car.

 

 

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Papa John’s Chairman John Schnatter resigned after saying the word “n*ggers” on a conference call. An unnamed source in the room with him claims he actually said it three times, but the first two times he was on Mute.

Porn star Stormy Daniels was arrested in Ohio on three misdemeanor charges of touching strip club patrons while nude onstage. Ohio law forbids strippers from touching customers while nude, unless it’s a “family member”. Daniels attorney said she was entrapped by officers who asked her to call them Daddy.

  • Daniels took two mugshots. One standard, and one bent over at the waist looking back at the camera over her shoulder.

Kylie Jenner appears on the cover of the latest Forbes magazine as she approaches becoming the U.S.’s youngest self-made billionaire. She said her next goal is to become a millionaire.

Facebook’s app is reportedly crashing on Android devices, as reported by panicked women whose selfies haven’t received “so beautiful” comments from the same four friends.

Google updated their Gboard keyboard app to allow users to communicate via Morse code. Google execs praised the new feature, which is designed to make communication easier for those with disabilities, Boy Scouts, and time-travelers to the 1940s.

Shridar Chillal, 82, of Pune, India – holder of the Guinness World Record for longest fingernails – cut them off and donated them after growing them for 66 years. They will be displayed in a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum in New York, after technicians clean off decades of food Chillal scraped from his teeth.

Instagram introduced an ‘Ask Me Anything’ feature, which allows users to place a ‘?’ sticker on their photos, allowing other users to ask open-ended questions. So far the most common question is “How do I delete Instagram?”

Scientists have discovered the brightest object in the universe, a quasar from when the universe was just 7 percent of its current age. The quasar exists at one end of the galactic spectrum; at the other, 23-year-old Kim Kardashian, who made a sex tape at 67 percent of her current age, known as the dimmest object in the universe.

Older people with higher blood pressure run a higher risk of Alzheimer’s. So quit bothering grandma because you are literally going to make her crazy.

The IRS says that over 350,000 Americans will be unable to obtain or renew passports because of unpaid taxes, although Donald and Melania are likely to get a waiver.

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Irish airline Aer Lingus announced a new policy where they’ll refuse to allow visibly intoxicated passengers on board. Shares of Aer Lingus fell 90% as flights out of Dublin are departing empty.

Amazon is now providing two-hour beer, wine & liquor delivery to Prime members in Texas. Members are told to wait on their porch for a delivery drone flying erratically and wearing a cowboy hat.

The FBI states that cases of in-flight sexual assault by airline passengers are up 66% from 2014-2017. Defendants claim there’s no leg room in coach, and they’re being wrongfully accused trying to climb over women in the aisle seat to get to the bathroom.

In India, technicians repairing an out-of-order ATM found a dead rat and $17,500 in shredded currency in its cash drawer. Police arrested two other rats waiting in a nearby battery-operated getaway car.

Lori McAllen, a clerk for the Oregon Department of Transportation, was suspended after allegedly using Facebook to call for illegal immigrants to be shot at the Mexican border. Attempts to reach McAllen for comment were unsuccessful, while she interviews for a senior position at the Department of Homeland Security.

When Facebook users search for opioid prescription drugs on the platform, Facebook is directing them to a government help line. When Facebook users search for marijuana, they’re being offered great deals on vacations to Colorado and Canada.

The New England Journal of Medicine reported the case of a 32-year-old Russian woman who had documented, via selfies, a moving lump on her face that turned out to be a parasitic worm, Dirofilaria repens, living beneath her skin. Doctors removed the worm, who then told her he’s moving in with another woman who wants bigger lips.

Comedian Tom Arnold said that he’s teaming up with former Trump attorney/fixer Michael Cohen to take down President Trump — and to deliver a long-awaited sequel to The Stupids.

The United States, which had been sending 4,000 container loads of recyclable plastic to China each day, now must find a new destination after China banned the import of plastic waste. Americans are being urged to hold on to their Fitbits until a new solution is found.

ABC Networks announced this fall they’ll debut The Conners – featuring the cast of Roseanne, minus Roseanne Barr. To maintain a conservative political voice to replace Barr’s character, the show will add the role of a babysitter for the Conner grandchildren, played by Scott Baio.

 

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Twitter’s emoji for the U.S./North Korea #Singaporesummit depicts a high-five between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. They were asked to redo it several times to make Trump’s hands the same size as Un’s.

Uber’s Chief Brand Officer Bozoma Saint John is leaving to become Chief Marketing Officer for Endeavor, an entertainment agency conglomerate. She’s excited to leave the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by underpaid cab drivers for the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by overpaid Hollywood agents.

Snapchat announced that you’ll soon be able to Unsend messages, so that a few less people will have seen your breasts and penises.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner filed details of their personal wealth and investment holdings with the Office of Government Ethics. They each would have done so sooner, but neither could believe the Office of Government Ethics still exists.

President Trump is now en route back to the U.S. following the Singapore summit with Kim Jong Un. He considered the trip a success, obtaining denuclearization concessions, along with that pin from the Singapore Hard Rock Cafe that he wanted.

Erin and Leah Finan, a married Indiana couple, were each sentenced to over five years in federal prison for scamming Amazon out of over $1 million in electronics, and for writing reviews of the merchandise they stole that nobody found helpful.

  • Sentencing guidelines called for ten years, but Amazon’s lawyers requested leniency since they were both Prime members.

Facebook followed up on Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional testimony with 454 pages of answers to over 2,000 questions that Zuckerberg couldn’t answer in person, then Zuckerberg snoozed Congress for 30 days.

A 9-year-old girl is being sent to a rehab facility for addiction to Fortnite. Her parents say she wet herself and sat in her own urine instead of pausing the game on Xbox. While at rehab, she’ll learn about the mobile version of the game that she can play on the toilet.

Domino’s Pizza announced on Monday that it’s paying to fill potholes in towns across the United States; and, in the process, making good use of its surplus pizza dough.

A 69-year-old man allegedly defecated on another person during a road rage incident in Pennsylvania. The perpetrator was charged with harassment; the victim was not charged, but was named the Worst Ever At Road Rage by police.

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A husky in Utah named Nikita went on a killing spree on Memorial Day, killing 20 chickens, a duck, two rabbits, a turkey and a goose. The dog is reportedly in police custody and is being interviewed by an FBI profiler.

14-year-old Karthik Nemmani of McKinney, Texas won the Scripps National Spelling Bee, winning by correctly spelling the word ‘koinonia’. His final opponent, 12-year-old Naysa Modi, was eliminated when she was asked to spell Karthik Nemmani.

A study from the Pew Research Center revealed that only 51% of teens use Facebook – and those that do use Facebook mainly do so to keep track of their grandparents.

New research establishes a powerful link between regular cardio exercise, like walking, and a lower risk of dementia. Although doctors said there are exceptions, such as people with dementia walking hundreds of miles away from their house.

President Trump used Twitter to ask why comedian Samantha Bee isn’t being fired for calling his daughter Ivanka a ‘c*nt’. A staffer told Trump that Bee was on TBS, and Trump said he didn’t care what medication she was taking before turning the TV to Fox & Friends.

The mother of a student who died in the Santa Fe High School shooting in Texas last month, said that her in-person conversation with Donald Trump was “like talking to a toddler.” The White House responded by reminding reporters that there are lots of stable, genius toddlers.

Viral video shows a ‘gigantic’ moose chasing a married couple playing golf in Park City, Utah. The moose never catches up to the pair as they fled in a golf cart, but the moose remained angry that the man did not give himself a penalty stroke for moving his ball in the fairway.

Netflix plans to debut Cooking On High – the first-ever cannabis cooking competition show. Contestants compete to make the best edibles for a panel of celebrity judges, who wait 10 episodes before the cooks finally get something finished.

Esquire magazine released its list of the 21 Best Bars in America – their annual ruse to get hipsters to flock to them so the rest of us can enjoy drinks in peace elsewhere.

First Lady Melania Trump hasn’t been seen in 22 days. It’s gotten so bad that someone left a new pair of Balenciaga shoes under a propped up cardboard box in the hope of drawing her out and trapping her.

The California Republican Party is angry that the search result for ‘California Republican Party’ included references to ‘Nazism’. GOP Rep Kevin McCarthy said that this is part of a disturbing trend to slander conservatives..and besides, it’s really not nazism, it’s white supremacy.

 

 

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Tinder announced that they’re officially testing ‘Tinder Places’ – the app’s new way of connecting people by sharing locations in common they visit. Tinder says the idea is to give users a mutual interest — or, a second mutual interest, besides getting laid as fast as possible.

Amazon is expanding Amazon Map Tracker to more customers. Map Tracker lets you follow package transit in realtime, from the moment it’s loaded by an underpaid warehouse packer, to a delivery contractor tossing it on your stoop from 15 feet away, to its theft by hoodie-clad punks.

Researchers used a submarine to find the wreck of the 300-year-old Spanish galleon ‘San Jose’ – with treasure worth $17 billion – off the coast of Colombia. Spain and Colombia are both claiming ownership of the treasure, and will settle it via an epic pirate sword fight.

A Federal Court judge ruled that President Trump cannot block accounts on Twitter. He has to just Mute them and deny it like everybody else.

Jared Kushner received a full U.S. security clearance, making him eligible to skip morning national security briefings.

President Trump cancelled the planned summit with North Korea, citing ‘anger and hostility’ from Kim Jong Un, and the weird taste of Big Macs he sampled from a McDonald’s near the meeting site in Singapore.

The National Football League announced a new policy requiring all on-field players, coaches and staff to stand during the pregame National Anthem. The league said it will fine offending players, and force them to listen to 20 minutes of Cris Collinsworth talking about them.

Two Ebola patients who fled a treatment center in the Congo each died within two days of escaping, but both said they were glad they got to see Avengers – Infinity War.

Ten different families combined to transport a dog found in Pennsylvania over 2,000 miles to his owners in Arizona who’d lost him a year earlier. The dog was happy to get home, but couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just let him book the direct flight he wanted.

Facebook is asking U.K. users to preemptively submit naked photos so Facebook can put them in a ‘Revenge Porn’ database to prevent them from appearing online. Facebook said the nudes will only be seen by a specially trained team of five auditors, who are currently swamped archiving naked pictures of Meghan Markle.

A judge in Kansas ordered the organizer of a cult to pay $8 million to a former member with no formal education, for forcing her to work a decade with no pay. A spokesperson for the cult said “Walmart is not a cult.”