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The insurer providing Donald Trump’s $175 million appeal bond following his New York financial fraud conviction may not be approved to provide the money, since paperwork accompanying the bond revealed two-thirds of it to be Kohl’s Cash.

“My eyes hurt” was a top Google search term following the total solar eclipse. Another was ‘O vamt srr’ .. which is believed to be an attempt to search “I can’t see”.

Sex hormones from male fetuses reportedly shape the behavior of female fetuses when they share a womb. The females reportedly turn their backs on the males so they don’t have to see what gross stuff they’re doing.

Google rolled out their new Find My Device network, which allows owners to track their phones and other connected products. This follows the decades-long success of their ubiquitous Find My Personal Information And Profit From It network.

Country singer Morgan Wallen was arrested for throwing a chair off a six-story-high Nashville bar rooftop, just missing police standing on the sidewalk below. Wallen was identified to cops by the woman who grabbed on to a ledge while sitting in the chair.

Using a salt substitute for 10 years will improve heart health and prolong your life, according to a new study. However, the french fries you put it on will still kill you.

The NBA Charlotte Hornets will interview Lindsey Harding for their head coaching job, which would make her the first-ever female NBA head coach. Then they’ll interview three guys who got fired from other NBA teams and pick one of them.

Following a sting operation, a mother/daughter duo in Houston, Texas were arrested for performing illegal butt injections. Houston Police also announced a promotion to Detective for the undercover officer with a really flat butt.

Kourtney Kardashian shared a post-partum bikini pic. Although maternity ward nurses weren’t thrilled helping her put it on four minutes after she gave birth.

A 58-year-old Canadian mother of five broke the Guinness World Record for women by holding an abdominal plank position for 4.5 hours. She accepted her certificate, then spent a few minutes mopping up the gym mat she used.

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Homeland Security raided the homes of music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as part of an alleged sex trafficking investigation. No further details were given, but the Feds are calling this a Biggie.

Combs’ houses in Miami & Los Angeles were raided, so let it be known Diddy was doing his part bring both East Coast & West Coast rappers together.

The grandmother of two of the ‘Little Rascals’ robbers – aged 11 & 12 – who held up a Wells Fargo Bank in Houston said the teller gave them play money. Nonetheless, the two boys were apprehended at a playground as they ‘made it rain’ while young girls danced on the monkey bars.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce reportedly shut down a Los Angeles gym for a two-hour private workout while members waited and watched outside. As they left, women shouted at Taylor for autographs, and men shouted corrections to her lifting form.

Krispy Kreme is expanding its partnership with McDonald’s and will be sold at all locations by the end of 2026. Customers ordering a Quarter Pounder will be asked if they want the burger or a really big doughnut.

A court lowered Donald Trump’s bond requirement to appeal his financial fraud judgment from $454 million to $175 million, and gave him 10 days to come up with the money. Trump then invited friends from North Korea, Russia & China to Mar a Lago for a Classified Documents Garage Sale.

A container ship struck and collapsed the Francis Scott Key Bridge outside of Baltimore. Viral video showed the action between 1 and 2 a.m., and gave proof through the night that the bridge was not there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a pacemaker. His blood is so heavy, his heart needed help pumping all the iron.

The U.S. Justice Department sued Apple, saying its market share of iPhones is a practical monopoly. Apple plans to drop a countersuit, then pay a fortune to fix the cracks in it.

Former NFL star Eric Decker – husband of viral singer/celebrity Jessie James Decker – announced he’d had a vasectomy after fathering four children. Future babies are not expected to make this latest round of cuts.

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Spirit Airlines put an unaccompanied 6-year-old on the wrong flight out of Philadelphia. Spirit announced they’re discontinuing their ‘Home Alone: Lost In Orlando’ fare sale.

For his part, the 6-year-old told Florida State Police he was just happy to be out of Philadelphia.

General Motors announced the Cadillac Celestiq – a hand-built fully-electric vehicle costing $300,000, made to appeal to environmentally-conscious pimps.

Russian opposition leader Aleksei Navalny wrote a letter saying he’d been moved to a penal colony in Siberia. He said he’s given one daily hour of outdoor recreation, followed by four hours of treatment for frostbite.

Beyonce’s former childhood home in Houston suffered minor fire damage on Christmas morning. The fire was quickly extinguished by members of Color Me Badd working their new jobs.

Microsoft launched its Copilot AI app for Android phones, just in time for Arizona State students to ask it to write their spring semester term papers.

Donald Trump posted Christmas messages to social media, telling his opponents to “ROT IN HELL”. Coincidentally, ROTINHELL is also the discount code for tickets to the Mar-a-Lago New Year’s Eve party.

A same-sex nativity scene in Italy, depicting the baby Jesus with two mothers, was slammed as ‘blasphemous’ by the same people who would have you believe one of the women got knocked up without having sex at all.

A new study evalutes the viability of launching a nuclear explosive “millions of miles” into space to prevent an asteroid from striking Earth. People living near the SpaceX launch site just want time to get the hell out of town in case things go sideways.

Sonja Semyonova, a Canadian woman, calls herself an ‘ecosexual’ and claims to be in love with an oak tree. “Me too” said a Canadian guy standing next to a knothole on the other side of the tree.

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Motley Crue is commemorating their 40th Anniversary as a band with a remastered edition of 1987’s ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’. But since the record is 34 years old, they’re calling it ‘MILFs, MILFs, MILFs’.

Target will no longer sell Pokemon and sports trading cards in-store after a rash of fistfights over the cards. Wimpy kids can still buy cards in other stores, and hiring Pokemon trainers to help them win the fights.

Bill Gates told friends at his golf club that he was in a “loveless” marriage. Luckily, he also loves money.

The CDC’s new guidance says that fully-vaccinated Americans can now safely go without a face mask indoors in most places. A heart surgeon removed his mask and his bubble gum fell into the chest of a patient on the operating table.

Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic say coffee helps protect the liver. They recommend Irish coffee so the alcohol and coffee can keep the liver busy.

The CEO of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame defended the Hall against criticism that only two true “metal” bands – Metallica and Black Sabbath – are inducted. He said more metal bands will be inducted in the future, but still isn’t holding out much hope for Faster Pussycat.

Writings from John F. Kennedy to a Swedish mistress sold for $88,000. Written in 1955 & 1956, the collection contains one full handwritten letter, and two notes asking “U up?”

A health care system in Ireland shut down after becoming the latest victim of a ransomware attack. Or, as it’s known in Ireland, McRansomware.

A cat jumped from the fifth floor of a burning building in Chicago and landed on the ground, unharmed. The cat decided to jump because of the fire, and because there wasn’t anything to eat.

Big-cat advocate & ‘Tiger King’ subject Carole Baskin is offering a $5,000 reward for the return of a tiger missing in the Houston area. Local deer have pitched in to increase the reward to $10,000.

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Researchers created special light waves that can penetrate opaque materials. They plan to use it to see through coworkers clothes and underwear.

Hester Ford, recognized as the oldest living American at 116 years old, passed away in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. The title of oldest American now goes to Thelma Sutcliffe, 115, of Nebraska, who also just died.

Vandals threw a pig’s head at the home of a retired police officer who testified in Derek Chauvin’s defense, but it turns out the man no longer lives there. The vandals asked if they could get their pig head back along with directions to his new place.

Demi Lovato criticized a frozen yogurt shop for displaying sugar-free items, saying it was “triggering” to her eating disorder. Lovato then had a nervous breakdown walking through the soda aisle of a grocery store.

Facebook now allows users to export posts to Blogger & WordPress.com – so that user’s thoughts and ideas can be ignored on multiple sites.

A suspected rhino poacher was killed in an elephant stampede at a national park in South Africa. The elephants were disappointed in park rangers efforts to stop the poachers, so they put their foot down.

Model Ireland Baldwin showed off her new butt tattoo in a bikini photo shoot. The tattoo is actually on her arm, but it’s a picture of her father Alec.

6 people were wounded in a mass shooting at a child’s birthday party in Louisiana. After treatment at a nearby hospital, the clown promised to improve his act.

TSA agents at Houston’s Hobby Airport found crystal meth in a breakfast burrito. The passenger was arrested, but to stay competitive, the Houston airport McDonald’s introduced the Meth McMuffin.

The dead body of a man infected with COVID-19 washed ashore in the island nation of Vanuatu, leaving local officials concerned about how they’ll conduct contact tracing with sea turtles.

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A Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputy was recorded via his collar mic having sex with a woman on the Universal Studios lot. He was fired from the Sheriffs Department, but is now executive producer of four different movies.

The White House sent instructions to staffers on preparations to depart their jobs in January. They’ve ordered 500 more cases of Diet Coke for workers to pour on their laptops.

COVID-19 has reached Antarctica, according to a seal who said he couldn’t smell or taste the penguin he just ate.

Hip-hop artist Travis Scott gave away over 2,000 toys to needy children in his hometown of Houston, then shared bedroom pictures of baby mama Kylie Jenner to their 2,000 needy dads.

Passengers from a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 claim that they, too, are exhibiting symptoms. United said they’ll try to help the passengers, but as of now they’re still in Vaccine Group 7.

Israel’s parliament failed to pass a federal budget, despite what observers call the most amazingly lengthy display of haggling they’ve ever seen.

Fast food chain KFC partnered with Intel to launch the KFConsole – a game console that keeps your chicken warm. Gamers are hoping the games are powered by voice commands, since they can’t use a controller in their grease-soaked hands.

Uber is donating 10 million rides for people getting the COVID-19 vaccine, and also giving away some extra money to passengers suing Uber for their driver’s sexual harassment on the way to getting a vaccine.

The Delta passenger who jumped out of a taxiing aircraft’s emergency exit at Laguardia Airport told police he “was about to lose control”. Luckily he was able to pull himself together long enough to slide out of a moving jet.

The Food & Drug Administration approved the use of a special genetically-modified pig to study allergic reactions in humans. However, animal rights activists are objecting to studies gauging the pig’s reactions to food at Golden Corral.

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The United States revoked 1,000 visas for Chinese students attending American universities. Coincidentally, 1,000 American students just moved up the curve from D to C- in their Calculus class.

Poison frontman Bret Michaels is selling his Los Angeles home. It’s over 6,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 6 1/2 bedrooms, and a study which didn’t get much use.

A new poll shows the majority of residents in the U.S. four largest cities – New York, Los Angeles, Chicago & Houston – face ‘major financial problems’. Broke, jobless rural Americans are comforted that they can get the ‘big city” experience at home.

Microsoft announced the new Xbox gaming consoles will debut on November 10th. Parents are advised to hide their cash and credit cards starting now.

The City of Los Angeles banned Halloween trick-or-treating, so Hollywood celebrities cancelled their kids’ limos.

Companies developing COVID-19 vaccines say there is a shortage of monkeys available for testing. Donald Trump ordered a ban on monkey imports so those good jobs can go to American workers.

In an attempt to stop open defecation, India has spent over a billion dollars building millions of public restrooms – almost all of which are out of toilet paper.

Maserati demoed its new supercar – the $200,000, 600 horsepower MC20 – at an event without a tree or telephone pole in sight.

The U.S. Air Force is testing robot dogs in warfare simulations. The dogs exit aircraft to scout an area and ensure it’s safe for human soldiers. So far the dogs have performed well, except when the Taliban distracted them with tennis balls.

Tennessee authorities say they’re searching for a tiger that escaped a sanctuary in Knoxville. Residents are told to be on the lookout for a 200-pound cat, wearing a cowboy hat and carrying a guitar.

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Apple named the most popular apps of 2019. The number one paid iPad app was digital design tool Procreate. The number one iPad activity was watching couples Procreate on porn sites.

Ring admitted they gave police departments maps of installed video doorbells for over a year. They also admitted giving maps of failed video doorbell installs to electricians who actually know what they’re doing.

  • Police departments say they only use the doorbell footage to investigate crime, but dogs say it violates their privacy while they piss on the front steps.

Sony Playstation received a Guinness World Record for top-selling gaming console of all time. The award was accepted by Crash Bandicoot, who then jumped to his death.

Forbes Magazine claims studio execs in charge of the DC Cinematic Universe don’t know what to do with the ‘Superman’ franchise to make him relevant to modern audiences. They’re considering having the Man of Steel identify as Wonder Woman.

North Korea warned the United States if nuclear talks aren’t resumed by December 31st, the U.S. can expect a “nasty Christmas gift.” In related news, North Korea prepaid shipping to the District of Columbia for thousands of Chia Pets.

Chicago’s Police Superintendent, Eddie Johnson, was fired following an investigation of an October incident where he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV. Johnson claimed he had changed his blood pressure medication – from Diovan to Hennessy.

McDonald’s is testing a new fried chicken sandwich in two cities – Houston, Texas and Knoxville, Tennessee.  Houston & Knoxville were selected after representatives from each city won title fights in Popeye’s parking lots.

Growers of the new ‘Cosmic Crisp’ apple say it can last up to a year. They’ve even devised a system where grocery store produce managers message you a year after you buy them, reminding you to throw them out.

Marvel Studios released the first teaser trailer for ‘Black Widow’, along with teaser excuses why it won’t sell as many tickets as their other movies.

WalletHub compiled a list of the 20 Least Safe Cities in the U.S. The most unsafe city in the country? St. Louis. It’s so bad that there, WalletHub changed its name to StolenWalletHub.

 

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1,069 dancing robots in China broke the Guinness world record for synchronized robot dancing. Once they finished, the robots went back to stealing good American jobs.

  • The robots’ parents are disappointed that they chose dancing over a more secure job like building iPads, but the robots’ girlfriends still believe in them.

A woman in Missouri donated more than 1,000 ounces of breast milk to Houston-area families impacted by Hurricane Harvey. She’s been inundated with questions from Dads asking how to get it into their wives’ breasts.

  • “No thanks, I’ll stick with water” said Houston’s homeless single men.

Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign memoir hits stores Tuesday, because Tuesdays are her lucky day of the week.

Disney World is set to reopen on Tuesday, just days after Hurricane Irma passed by Orlando, although some attractions will be closed. Mr. Toad remains shaken after an even wilder ride than he’s used to.

The New England Patriots are already replacing the newly-installed artificial turf at their home field, Gillette Stadium, after losing their first game of the 2017 season playing on it. Players complained that the field was too soft, and the coaching staff was unhappy with the microphones installed on the visitor’s sideline.

YouTube star PewDiePie is under fire for using the n-word while broadcasting a live stream of him while he played a video game. More troubling is that the game is chess.

Apple is expected to debut the first $1,000 iPhones on Tuesday; experts say you should expect to spend 2-3 months salary on an engagement ring or one of the new phones.

China has notified the World Trade Organization that it will ban the import of certain types of solid waste sent from the U.S. The waste includes scrap plastic, unsorted paper, and millions of copies of ‘Trump: The Art of the Deal’.

Miss North Dakota, 23 year-old Cara Mund, was crowned Miss America 2018 on Sunday night in Atlantic City. Mund plans to use the $50,000 scholarship to open a school for her fellow militia members back home.

 

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President Trump returned from his tour of Houston in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, telling White House staff that it’s the biggest water hazard he’s ever seen.

Hurricane Harvey is estimated to be the costliest disaster in U.S. history, somehow surpassing the 2016 Presidential Election.

Ronda Rousey was married over the weekend to longtime boyfriend and fellow MMA fighter Travis Browne. Rousey was a total knockout in a Galia Lahav gown, a departure from getting knocked out in a sports bra and tight shorts.

  • Rousey’s next scheduled bout is ‘not tonight I have concussion symptoms from my last two fights’.

DeVry University was ordered to pay its students $49 Million in penalties for misleading advertisements. The judge ordered DeVry to just add it to their alumni’s Burger King paychecks.

A construction project near Denver unearthed the 66 million year-old fossilized skeleton of a triceratops. The triceratops claimed seniority and assumed its new role as project foreman.

A 1000-person study commissioned by Baskin Robbins claims that the way you eat ice cream can accurately predict your personality. Those eating from a cone are optimists, those who eat from a bowl are more conservative, and those who skip eating at Baskin Robbins are more confident about living longer.

Tickets for Bruce Springsteen’s Broadway debut, Springsteen on Broadway, went on sale Wednesday, with scalpers immediately commanding up to $6,000 a ticket, leading budget-conscious theatre-goers to opt for $1,000 Hamilton tickets instead.

Producers of ‘It’, the new movie adaptation of Stephen King’s novel featuring a terrifying clown, ‘Pennywise’, dismiss complaints from the World Clown Association that the movie is hurting business for real life clowns, telling them to ‘just look at the White House’.

Uber’s new CEO, Dara Khosrowshahi, will finally meet his staff today; he’s expected to outline his vision for the company, turn up the air conditioning and change the radio station.