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Barack Obama & Bruce Springsteen are producing a podcast about marriage, music and American Life. Toby Keith & Donald Trump are launching their own podcast, to talk about how much they hate Bruce Springsteen & Barack Obama.

American Idol fans were angry about a trans boy being sent home from his audition, while a lesser talent singing a Pitbull song advanced. The judges defended their choice, saying Hollywood has room for two lesser talents singing Pitbull songs.

Karachi, Pakistan is training a rollerblade police force. Several bank robbers have evaded capture by covering their escape route with Tinkertoys.

Tiger Woods suffered leg injuries in a car crash. Initial reports said he had to be removed with the jaws of life, but medics were able to get him out with a wedge.

The FDA confirmed the efficacy and safety of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine, especially in severe cases. J&J is calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

Texas won a court case halting the Biden Administration’s 100-day ban on deporting illegal immigrants. Said illegal immigrants “it’s okay, you can deport us, its freezing here”.

A German court convicted a Syrian officer for crimes against humanity, for sending protestors to a prison known for using torture. Because if there’s a country that knows about crimes against humanity, it’s Germany.

Jim Bell, Chief Financial Officer of Gamestop, is resigning, informing coworkers with a message on his computer screen reading GAME OVER.

New York City is reopening movie theaters, just in time for the big premiere of nothing much.

China’s Tianwen-1 Mars expedition craft entered a ‘parking orbit’ prior to landing. China’s Mars rover is expected to touch down in May, then promptly back into NASA’s Perseverance rover.

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Three new Democratic Senators were sworn in, including Raphael Warnock and Alex Padilla, who replaced Kelly Loeffler and Vice President Kamala Harris – leading established Senators to complain the place is now an even bigger sausage fest.

Despite his pardon from Donald Trump, rapper Kodak Black still faces sexual assault charges in South Carolina. Prosecutors are busily preparing for their Kodak Moment.

The CW Network debuts ‘Walker’, a reboot of ‘Walker – Texas Ranger’. The new show stars Jared Padalecki, after producers rejected an alternate spinoff starring Chuck Norris’ toupee.

Golfer Justin Thomas was dropped by sponsor Ralph Lauren and will enter a training program, following use of a homophobic slur after he missed a putt. Thomas apologized, and said if the ball went in the hole, he’d have used a pro-gay word.

Jill Biden is the 1st First Lady to hold a paid job outside of the White House. She said she needs to do it for the better health insurance.

President Biden signed an executive order requiring face masks on planes. A Spirit Airlines spokesperson said their passengers already do so, to keep from smelling each other.

The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Brooklyn Nets 147-135, in a game both coaches praised as their teams’ best defensive outing of the season.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity criticized Joe Biden’s inaugural speech, referring to the new President as “frail” and “cognitively struggling”. Hannity closed the show saying “and let’s welcome our new head writer, Stephen Miller..”

Medical experts say Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID vaccine could be a game-changer, once everyone gets it in 2024.

Today marks the 4th Anniversary of the Global Women’s March – when thousands of women who missed it decide what they wanted to wear.

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Amazon, Target & Walmart all kicked off big two-day sales. Amazon has Prime Day, Target has Deal Days, and Walmart has Dig Up That Coffee-Can Cash In The Yard Days.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he “won’t walk away from” the COVID-19 outbreak no matter who the President is. Instead, he’ll fly to New Zealand.

Astra Zeneca and Johnson & Johnson both paused their COVID-19 vaccine trials because a participant became ill. Newly-immune Donald Trump volunteered to donate his plasma, but the patients said they don’t want herpes.

Employees of iconic Hollywood landmark Chateau Marmont say the hotel has a “toxic, drug-fueled culture”. Not surprisingly, guests rate Chateau Marmont as Los Angeles’ #1 Hotel for Toxic Drug-Fueled Stays on Trip Advisor.

Nikki Patterson of Scotland broke the Guinness Book Record for having the most tattoos of any musical artist, with 28 tattoos of Eminem. Remarkably, 27 of them are cover-ups of Vanilla Ice.

New York’s upscale sex club, Snctm, is planning a ‘Black-Death themed’ Halloween sex party. Space is limited to 30 guests on a first-served, first-come basis.

A 25-year-old Nevada man is now the first U.S. citizen confirmed to have contracted COVID-19 twice. He says the second bout was worse because of his underlying condition of eating at the Circus Circus buffet the day of his second positive test.

A new study claims coronavirus can survive for up to 28 days on paper money. “So?” said men who leave all their cash in pants pockets when they do laundry.

Delta Airlines reported a $5.4 billion quarterly loss due to the pandemic. So good luck getting them to give you that whole can of Diet Coke.

Flight attendants Kim Guillory, a black woman, and Sharon Tesler, a Jewish woman – both “over age 39” – are suing United Airlines, saying they aren’t picked for MLB & NFL charter flights because they’re not young and blond. United claims it’s not their age and race, it’s that football and baseball players don’t want to have sex with them.

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Rapper Bobby Shmurda, imprisoned for six years on gang-related charges, was denied Shparole.

An executive at the Centers for Disease Control said they’ve “never seen morale this low” as Trump confounds their COVID-19 efforts; then added hope that a totally new killer disease comes along to distract everyone and cheer them up.

A grizzly bear mauled a hunter to death in an Alaska state park. Late in the 3rd quarter of 2020, the Bears still trail the Hunters, 57-1.

Microsoft Teams is enhancing its virtual workplace environments, adding breakout rooms, virtual coffee shops, new backgrounds – and empty offices where coworkers can have cybersex.

Time Magazine released its 2020 list of the World’s 100 Most Influential People. Once again, Carrot Top did not make it.

Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine made it to Phase 3 clinical trials. They’re calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

41 razor blades were placed on playground equipment in a Michigan park, in a deliberate attempt to cause harm to children. Officials say this has caused only a slight increase in monkey-bar-related lacerations.

Garmin released new ‘rearview radar’ devices for bicyclists, designed to alert them when cars are approaching from behind. Future models may add cameras so the coroner can see which car ran you over.

Disneyland Resort in California is opening a community COVID-19 testing site. For $100, you can have breakfast and your choice of Snow White, Ariel or Cinderella will stick a cotton swab up your nose.

Convicted felon Lori Loughlin will get to serve her upcoming two-month sentence at a prison of her choice. She’s currently deciding between a minimum-security facility, or the waiting room at the Los Angeles Department of Motor Vehicles.

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Melania Trump tweeted a photo holding a shovel to break ground on a new White House tennis pavilion, after consulting Joe Biden to see if he plays tennis.

  • It’s part of Melania’s ‘Be Best Backhand’ initiative.

Three male scientists shared the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for inventing lithium-ion batteries. They came up with the idea when their bored, disinterested wives were each spending $200 a month on Duracells for their vibrators.

Philadelphia City Schools are offering free head lice screenings to teachers and school nurses, though it’s expected that half the lice in Philly schools will just drop out.

Johnson & Johnson must pay $8 billion in damages for failing to warn users its antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, caused gynecomastia – a condition causing men to grow enlarged breasts. The judgment is being called the world’s most expensive boob job. [ Story & joke submitted & guest-written by reader J.O !! ]

McDonald’s launched a McRib Locator website to help customers find participating locations serving the sandwich, and to help families of dangerously obese people avoid them.

The Philadelphia Flyers opened a rage room, where hockey fans can pay to go in a room during games and break things.  The Philadelphia Philles say they considered it, but decided to let fans keep using their living rooms.

The New York City townhome where The Cars frontman Ric Ocasek passed away is back on the market, listed at $13.9 million – an amount his surviving wife Paulina Porizkova described as “just what I needed”.

Robert Downey Jr. told Howard Stern he doesn’t want an Oscar nomination for Avengers: Endgame, telling studio publicists “let’s not”. Downey said he was inspired by the late Jim Varney saying “let’s not” to an Oscar campaign for ‘Ernest Goes to Jail’.

New research spanning 70 years finds having a dog lowers your risk of dying by 24 percent. The study followed everyone except infants and toddlers living with pit bulls.

 

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Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.