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French Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati became a viral sensation after it appeared the bulge of his penis dislodged the bar during an attempt. He’s now dealing with rumors that he’s gay after the world clearly saw that rod-on-rod action.

Joaquin Guzman Lopez, son of Sinaloa Cartel drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering. He pled not guilty in a Chicage court, where DEA agents called him a Chipo Off the El Chapo.

Los Angeles, California police are patrolling the Champs Elysees in Paris during the Summer Olympics. They say the scenery is marvelous, but they’re kind of bored without as many unarmed persons of color to shoot.

Aerosmith announced they will stop tourning because frontman Steven Tyler can no longer sing. However, Motley Crue announced they will continue touring despite frontman Vince Neil being unable to sing for the last twenty years.

An 82-year-old employee who’s worked at a Las Vegas McDonald’s for 15 years said he continues to work because he can’t afford to retire. He said he contributes to a 401k but was shocked to learn his contributions were matched with french fries.

Following the resignation of two different Miss USAs, Michigan’s Alma Cooper assumed the title. If she also chooses to resign, the crown will be given to the entrant with the next-largest breasts.

The first fatal crash of a Tesla Cybertruck was reported in Texas. The driver could have been saved, but most people driving by the wreck assumed a refrigerator had fallen off the delivery truck.

At Knowwhere Farm in Chesterfield, New Jersey, visitors can come hug a cow named Moo for free. Meanwhile at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, one named Dakota will hug you and do other stuff for around fifty dollars.

One million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly blown on to a Florida Keys beach by Tropical Storm Debby. The storm was so powerful it was able to dislodge the cocaine from the rectums of people smuggling it on their boat.

Google was found to have a search engine monopoly in an anti-trust suit lodged by the Justice Department, and by guys who turned off SafeSearch and still ended up getting the same porn over and over again.

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A Philadelphia man was assaulted by dirt bikers & ATV riders as they tried to steal his scooter. Philadelphia notches the first recorded case of ScootJacking.

Dora The Explorer is getting a reboot on Paramount +, after Dora emerged from extensive counseling following her work with Nickelodeon’s Dan Schneider in the early 2000s.

Five military horses escaped and ran wild through the streets of central London, damaging cars and injuring pedestrians. Authorities pursued the horses through late afternoon, until the horses stopped for tea & scones.

Actress Christina Applegate said on her podcast that she’s been sick for three weeks with sapovirus – accidental ingestion of human fecal matter. Applegate announced she’s no longer a Brand Ambassador for Saladworks.

TikTok’s CEO vowed to fight a U.S. law requiring the Chinese government’s sale of the app within a year. The U.S. Government said if they can’t make them sell it, they’ll make them change the name to MySpace and everyone will just stop using it.

South Korea is considering a ban on the iPhone for use by their armed forces, because they deem it a security threat. This follows a move by North Korea, which has already banned paper cups atttached to strings for the same reason.

Motley Crue signed with record label Big Machine, with frontman Vince Neil saying “we don’t want to stagnate”. This Friday, they’ll release a new single, ‘Dogs Of War’, with Billboard projecting it could land at #1 on the Stagnated Dinosaur Rock chart.

Theresa Nist, ex-wife of Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, told People magazine in a new interview that she “found a new joy in life” – as she opened the drawer of her nightstand.

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy said WNBA star Caitlin Clark is getting “screwed” by Nike over her 8-year, $28 million endorsement deal that includes a signature Clark shoe. Nike defended the deal, saying it also includes a matching Caitlin Clark belt and handbag.

A Texas high school cheerleader who was named Valedictorian was notified that a calculation error was found, dropping her to 3rd in the class. However, her measurements were verified so she still gets to keep her cheerleading scholarship offers.

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A Tennessee Air National Guardsman was arrested after applying online to be a contract killer for $5,000. Worse, the hiring manager informed him they were focusing on more qualified candidates but would keep his resume on file.

An artificial intelligence program profiled on 60 Minutes allegedly taught itself a foreign language it didn’t know. It was then offered a scholarship to tutor the entire Ohio State football team.

The United States now averages 1.5 mass shootings per day. The number is expected to rise as more people use their tax refunds on AR-15s.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee deleted a post sharing commentary from network OAN questioning the behavior of the trans community. Then Lee posted an apology, said he’s not transphobic, and called himself the “gayest motherf**er around”. That post was then deleted after Lee was challenged by Boy George.

Sega is acquiring the maker of Angry Birds, for $775 million, because nobody told them they could just download it for free.

Phantom Of The Opera closed on Broadway after 35 years and 13,981 shows – entertaining over 6 million women, gay men, and straight husbands wondering how many Yankees games they could have seen instead for the ticket price.

SpaceX cited technical issues in postponing the launch of its most powerful rocket, Starship. Elon Musk said once they’re fixed, “nothing’s gonna stop us now”.

A new study finds women still do more domestic chores than men in households where they earn more money. When men try to step it up by doing the cooking, the women end up spending more time taking kids to the doctor or restaurants.

Senator John Fetterman returned to on-site work in Washington, DC following hospitalization for depression. Meanwhile, 89-year-old Senator Dianne Feinstein told colleagues she plans to return in time for President Obama’s lighting of the White House Christmas Tree.

The mother of a teen YouTube star is being sued for physical and emotional abuse of young content creators, including sending her daughter’s underwear to an unknown man. The plaintiffs claim the shipments to Japan have cost them thousands.

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New research concludes Ludwig van Beethoven’s death and early-onset liver disease may not have been solely alcohol-related, and that he suffered from acute hepatitis. In case you were wondering what Beethoven has in common with the members of Motley Crue.

Following a series of train accidents, Congress is working on a railroad safety bill. Or, they will until Republicans or Democrats derail it.

Large clusters of sargassum have begun washing up on the Florida coastline – leading lonely, hearing-impaired women to book Florida vacations so they can experience a sargassum on the beach.

Researchers in Great Britain say hearing ‘dad jokes’ empowers kids to become better adults. While hearing dirty jokes empowers them to become more popular during recess.

Artificial tears tainted with bacteria are blamed for several deaths, blindness and loss of eyes in multiple users. Worse, victims with glass eyes are warned that high levels of bacteria have been found in Windex.

A tornado touched down in Los Angeles. It arrived 20 minutes late and left a half-hour early.

Gisele Bundchen said in an interview that her marriage to Tom Brady was doomed long before his decision to ‘unretire’. She added that their final counseling session ended with her taking a knee with 30 seconds left in ‘divorce formation’.

The City of Philadelphia is exploring a program to reduce infant mortality by paying pregnant women $1,000/month if they live in certain areas of the city. It’s unclear how the infant mortality problem can be solved with an Xbox.

The Federal Aviation Administration is issuing a “call to action” following multiple near collisions on airport runways – starting with a pre-flight two-drink maximum for veteran pilots.

An Amazon delivery driver handed a package to a SWAT team member during an armed standoff in North Carolina. The SWAT team member then placed the box of bullets on the porch and the standoff continued.

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Cameo introduced Cameo Live, where, for a fee, you can have a 10-minute call with a celebrity. Bill collectors are happy to have a new way to get in touch with Vanilla Ice.

Grossinger’s Catskill Resort Hotel, which inspired the fictional Kellerman’s in Dirty Dancing, was destroyed by fire. Comedian Rich Little is still scheduled to appear.

Three inmates were charged with the murder of notorious gangster Whitey Bulger in a West Virginia prison in 2018. Investigators took four years because all three would be facing their fifth life sentence.

A Motley Crue fan was injured after falling from the upper deck of Indianapolis’ Lucas Oil Stadium during the band’s Stadium Tour concert. Calls for medical assistance were answered by a Dr. Feelgood, but it turns out he was just there to sell drugs.

January 6th rioter Riley Williams, who stole Nancy Pelosi’s laptop, was granted a request to attend the Pennsylvania Renaissance Fair on Sunday while she’s on house arrest. The Queen of the Faire hired additional guards to prevent an overthrow.

SoulCycle is closing 20 studios across the U.S., angering instructors. Executives dismissed their complaints, saying finding a new job is just like riding a bike.

A 21-year-old restaurant server posted a TikTok video saying she puts her hair in pigtails because doing so means she gets bigger tips. She also needs them to drape over her bare nipples.

Video of Finland’s married Prime Minister Sanna Marin dancing with a ‘mystery man’ at a club has residents calling for an explanation and saying her marriage may be Finnished.

A mob ransacked a California 7-Eleven after frightened employees fled the store. Looters stole cigarettes, drinks, lottery tickets and other items. Although police managed to arrest the ones who stuck around too long microwaving stolen burritos.

Women are reportedly diagnosing themselves with ADHD after watching Tik Tok videos. Or, watching parts of videos because they don’t have the attention span to finish.

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NASA’s Mars Rover found a shiny piece of foil on a rock. It also found an extraterrestrial lying on the ground holding its stomach, then discovered the foil had ‘KFC’ printed on it.

A new study discovered that when cats chew and rub against catnip, it protects them against mosquitoes. Indoor cats still like it just to get wasted.

Vladimir Putin claimed that a cyberattack delayed his planned speech to the St. Petersburg Economic Forum. However, the tech support guy on site claimed Putin kept pressing the wrong function key for the projector.

The Stadium Tour kicked off at Atlanta’s Truist Park, featuring performances from Classless Act, Joan Jett, Poison, Def Leppard, Motley Crue, and the defibrillator used to keep Motley’s Mick Mars and Vince Neil moving.

The state of Hawai’i’ tweeted that there are currently no girls detained in the Hawai’i Youth Correctional Facility. The facility’s annual Hula Contest promises to be an interesting one.

After closing due to the ongoing pandemic, Hong Kong’s iconic Jumbo Floating Restaurant was towed away. To save money, they used octopuses repurposed from the kitchen.

WWE CEO Vince McMahon stepped down after it was revealed he paid $3 million in hush money to a female employee with whom he naked tag-teamed.

USA Today determined a reporter fabricated quotes for 23 different stories, forcing their removal from the green, purple & red sections.

20 juveniles attempted to seize control of a youth correctional facility in Louisiana, but their plan unraveled when they argued about whose Tik Tok they would post the video to.

Jackass star Johnny Knoxville filed for divorce from his wife, Naomi. He’s asking for joint custody of their two children, who will be delivered to him every other weekend by being shot out of a cannon.

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Jim Carrey condemned the standing ovation given to Will Smith as he accepted his Best Actor Oscar. Insiders predict Carrey’s outspoken stance will almost certainly cost him an Oscar nomination for his role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog 2.

Bassist Nikki Sixx said Motley Crue – whose Stadium Tour starts in 10 weeks – haven’t rehearsed together in nine years. He added that lead singer Vince Neil hasn’t sung every word of a song in 30 years.

A former Yale University employee sold $40 million worth of electronics and kept the money, buying luxury cars, real estate, travel, and tuition at University of Phoenix.

Dyson unveiled the ‘Dyson Zone’, headphones with a built-in air purifier for your nose and mouth. It’s for people who like to listen to e*books or music when they use the bathroom at Indian restaurants.

The World Health Organization is investigating hearing problems linked to COVID vaccines. But since COVID already knocked out victims’ taste & smell, they’re less concerned about not hearing farts.

A new study links avocado consumption to a lower risk of heart disease, but researchers warn that it’s still a bad idea to put guacamole on french fries.

Use of disinfectants by pregnant women may increase the risk that their children have eczema or asthma. Pregnant women are advised to douche with something other than Lysol.

Intelligence officials say the North Korean ICBM launch last week was staged – using an older rocket, not new technology. They made the determination after studying the rocket in the propaganda film and seeing a New Kids On The Block sticker on it.

Experts say Russian claims of withdrawal from major Ukrainian cities are false. Their opinions are echoed by Russian hookers, who say they, too, have been misled by Vladimir Putin saying he’ll pull out.

Brooklyn traffic cop Ranjeet Singh is being praised for viral video showing him dancing like Michael Jackson while working busy intersections. Although parents tell their kids to walk a block up the street so they don’t cross near him.

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Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

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David Gordon Green, director of horror reboot ‘Halloween’ and ‘Halloween Kills’, says the story of the final film in the trilogy will begin with a huge time jump. The film is titled ‘Independence Day‘.

The vehicle of a woman missing for 20 years, who’d left a note saying she was going to drive into the Ohio River, was found in the Ohio River. Officials have not located or identified her body, but are already saying she could have been more specific.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil fell off the stage at a Tennessee music festival, breaking his ribs. His fans wondered if he could ever sing again, then remembered he couldn’t sing before the accident.

Facebook disputes recent reports that its artificial intelligence can’t consistently detect hate speech or violence. They countered by providing evidence of thousands of accounts suspended for telling other users to go duck themselves.

A California woman visiting Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas discovered a 4-carat yellow diamond – and is now engaged to the coyote who gave it to her.

A meteorite crashed through the roof of a house in British Columbia, Canada, landing on a woman’s bed at 11:45 pm, missing her by inches, and wrecking the chances of the guy in bed next to her.

NASA is studying ways to build a wifi network on the moon in the hope of improving broadband availability on Earth. Unfortunately, Comcastronauts have missed two straight installation appointments.

Sean Penn’s wife, Leila George, filed for divorce from Penn after one year of marriage. Seems like it was just yesterday that he was punching the wedding photographer.

Synthetic chemicals called phthalates, found in thousands of consumer products, may be responsible for premature deaths of Americans aged 55 to 64, leading to the immediate recall of new Strawberry Phthalate Metamucil.

Bill Clinton was released from the hospital after treatment for a urinary tract infection, so female nurses are allowed to work on his floor again.