By |

President Trump said he takes North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ‘at his word’ when denying involvement in the death of American prisoner Otto Warmbier. Democrats found it unbelievable that Trump finds Un believable.

Trump took to Twitter to demand Congress obtain a manuscript of Michael Cohen’s purported tell-all book — then give him the gist of it with lots of pictures so he can say he read it.

In the wake of sexual misconduct allegations, singer Ryan Adams scheduled tour of the U.K. & Ireland has been cancelled, although the backstage meet-and-greets are still on.

Jason Witten will leave the Monday Night Football announcer booth and return to play tight end for the Dallas Cowboys next season – a move that surprised many because Tony Romo didn’t call it right before it happened.

Governor of Washington state Jay Inslee announced his plan to seek the Democratic nomination for President. Inslee will run on a platform about climate change – and is already making a difference, given the cool reception to his candidacy.

Amazon is giving Prime members the option to choose a single day of the week to have their packages delivered. Amazon says this lets them conserve resources, reduce their carbon footprint, and help porch pirates plan their schedules.

Nintendo’s job recruitment website says its employees in Japan stay with the company an average of 13.5 years and make $80,000 annually – even more if they avoid turtles and find bonus levels.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics posted data showing the highest-paying job in every state. Doctors & surgeons topped the rankings in most states, with the exception of the Deep South, where dentists typically are broke and bored from lack of patients.

The company that owns Old Navy and Gap are splitting them up. Gap will be combined with Banana Republic in a new company dubbed ‘Mom & Dad’ and Old Navy will operate as an independent company called ‘God, just leave me alone.’

Sexual abuse claims against Catholic priests and their church dioceses in New York State threaten to send them into bankruptcy. So keep an eye out for great deals on stained glass windows and reclaimed hardwood benches.

 

By |

FedEx recruited the inventor of the Segway to build a new delivery robot. FedEx called on Segway because they want to ensure the robot looks ridiculous.

All employees at three Sonic Drive-Ins in Ohio walked off the job after the locations were sold to new management – resulting in the temporary closure of all 3. Regular customers were found passed out in their cars after spending hours shouting orders heard by no one in to a speaker.

A ‘Dinner Delivered’ food delivery driver in Tennessee was arrested for allegedly placing his testicles in a customer’s salsa because they’d only tipped him 89 cents on a prior visit. The salsa went from chunky to chunkier.

#TheWorstPartsOfMyJob is trending on Twitter, with one verified account tweeting “Anything that isn’t Executive Time.”

A 12-year-old Arizona student told police that he was ordered to ‘stand guard’ while his 13-year-old friend and their teacher, 27-year-old Brittany Zamora, groped each other. The 12-year-old described Zamora as “not a good person”, adding he never got a turn.

The Masked Singer concluded Wednesday. The winner, Monster, was revealed to be rapper T-Pain. He defeated finalists Bee – Gladys Knight; and Peacock – Donny Osmond. The search begins for Season 2, which will take a half-hour to lock in forgotten rappers and celebs who were big in the 70s and 80s.

Producers of ‘Suicide Squad 2’ announced that Will Smith will not appear as Deadshot. Smith cited scheduling issues, including promotion for his big blue genie in the live-action Aladdin, also known as Career Suicide Squad.

The equipment manager for Indiana University Pennsylvania’s basketball team forgot to pack the team’s uniforms for a road game at Edinboro University, so they had to use the host team’s old uniforms. Worse, they were football uniforms.

Robocalls grew 325 percent in 2018, leaving cell phone owners annoyed at the intrusion, and wondering why their credit cards still don’t have lower rates after they gave that guy their social security number.

An all-female version of Broadway hit ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ is in the works. Casting will begin as soon as script writers figure out how to fill two hours of stage time showing angry women in an office not speaking to each other.

An original Disney Mouseketeer, Dennis Day, has been missing for 7 months. Mickey Mouse Club officials say they’re changing the C in the theme song lyrics from “see you real soon!” to something else.

By |

A rhinoceros seriously injured a Jacksonville zookeeper during a training session, where neither of them did very well.

After being bitten while feeding a stray cat, a Florida woman was charged over $48,000 for precautionary rabies vaccines. The cat just assumed it wouldn’t be adopted.

The black box from the Amazon Prime Air crash in Houston has yet to be delivered to the FAA. The FAA got an email from Amazon saying a shipment label has been printed, but no delivery date is set.

Detric Lee McGowan, a South Carolina man who gained notoriety for mysteriously buying $540 worth of Girl Scout cookies, was arrested on charges of manufacturing heroin and fentanyl pills. “Look, we don’t ask where the money comes from, we just sell the cookies” said an agitated Girl Scout.

Michael Cohen is set to testify before Congress that President Donald Trump is a liar, conman and a racist — leaving Congress wondering what to ask about for the remaining eight hours after that first minute is up.

United Methodists rejected a resolution that would have permitted LGBTQ clergy and approved same-sex marriage. They’re considering a new resolution to change their name to Occasionally United Methodists.

Starbucks opened its largest location, a 32,000 square foot store in Tokyo. The store features multiple exhibits and a large meeting space, so employees can practice calling the cops on non-Japanese visitors who don’t buy anything.

Just a week after Duke’s Zion Williamson had his Nike shoe split open during a game, Indiana’s Justin Smith had the same thing happen to him with an Adidas shoe. NCAA major-college coaches are now seeing if larger sizes are still available at the Payless going-out-of-business sale.

Gerber selected Kairi Yang, an infant of Hmong ethnicity, from over a half-million applicants to be its 2019 Spokesbaby. Yang was selected because it was 5 o’clock and her picture was on top of the pile.

Viral video app TikTok is launching a series of online safety videos. They say it will help users navigate the proper way to eat detergent or snort condoms and pull them out of your mouth.

 

By |

A small plane crashed through the roof of a Florida home, pinning a 17-year-old girl against the wall of her bedroom. The girl was removed safely, and the plane was led away in handcuffs.

A public interest advocacy group tested wine and beer and found traces of weed killer glyphosate in 19 out of 20 samples. The 20th sample, Coors Light, was mostly weed killer.

An New Zealand woman returned from her Australia vacation to find a spotted python curled up in her shoe. The python had begun shedding its skin during the 9,000 mile flight, so the woman was thrilled to get a belt to go along with the shoes.

A Georgia woman was arrested for disorderly conduct following a rage episode at McDonald’s after being informed of a five-minute wait for an apple pie. She was taken in to custody and photographed in red jail garb reading ‘Caution: Contents Extremely Hot’.

The White House is denying a claim that Donald Trump kissed Alva Johnson, an Alabama campaign staffer for Trump, in front of multiple people without her consent. The White House claims their denial is based on no one remembering Johnson vomiting afterward.

An ‘internet linguist’ advises against using responses such as ‘okay’ or ‘k’ in response to work emails, since it may come off as passive aggressive. Instead, they recommend deleting the email and saying you never got it.

High winds and freezing temperatures caused an ‘ice tsunami’ on the shores of Lake Erie near Buffalo, with walls of ice breaching barriers, knocking out power and closing roads. Buffalo city officials are calling it the worst weather disaster since whatever happened last week.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety tested small SUVs’ ‘pedestrian detection’ systems. Honda, Subaru, Volvo & Toyota received the highest scores. The BMW SUV failed entirely, running over the test pedestrian because it was already late for a tee time.

  • All SUVs failed the more challenging, but less strict, squirrel detection test.

Microsoft introduced the Hololens 2 augmented reality headset at Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, demonstrating real-world uses, including industrial equipment repair, medical procedures and group meetings. The headset costs $3,500 and comes with a 2-year subscription to Pornhub Premium.

An unvaccinated five-year-old French boy brought measles to Costa Rica, the first outbreak in the country in five years. “Welcome back” said customs officials to the boy and his measles.

 

By |

An 18-year-old woman with no idea she was pregnant awoke from a coma to learn she’d given birth. The attending physician was relieved to know it wasn’t his fault that she didn’t push when asked.

Kim Kardashian is angry that a vintage Thierry Mugler gown she wore earlier this week was being copied by cheap knockoff factories. “I can no longer sit silent” she wrote. “We know” said everyone who’s heard chairs creak under her ass.

Two NYC women are starting a concierge service, ‘Onward’ to help people move on from breakups. They’ll pick up boxes from an ex’s apartment, arrange for counseling if needed, and help you find out if it was really them, not you.

DNA ‘hits’ from people taking genealogy tests to research their family history have resulted in three more cold-case murder arrests this week alone. It’s become so common, one company is considering a name change to 23andMeandYourFugitiveMurdererUncle.

A political action committee is launching an aggressive targeting strategy to get more scientists elected to public office in 2020. The PAC is called ‘314 Action’ — a name they switched to after STEM scientists were insulted by its original name ‘Dorks for Congress’.

Samsung announced its first foldable smartphone, the Galaxy Fold. Pricing starts at $1,980. It can be used folded with a 4.6 inch screen, or opened with a 7.3 inch tablet screen. Power users say the high price is worth it to see selfies of their penis grow to over 7 inches.

Celebrity attorney Mark Geragos has joined Todd Pugh and Victor Henderson on the legal team of ‘Empire’ actor Jussie Smollett.  Smollett’s real legal team is now bigger than his possibly-made-up assault team.

The Nike shoe worn by Duke freshman Zion Williamson broke open during last night’s game against North Carolina, causing Williamson a mild knee sprain. Nike said they’re working to identify the issue, but in the meantime are marketing the $200 Zion I, a basketball shoe that converts to a rubber sandal.

President Trump tweeted that he wants the U.S. to have 5G, and even 6G, technology as soon as possible, thinking it will improve his ability to find lost golf balls.

Founder Elon Musk predicted self-driving Tesla cars would be available by the end of the year, if regulators allowed it. Musk gave the update while announcing a preemptive victims relief fund for pedestrians mowed down by self-driving Teslas.

 

By |

Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, 56, married Brittany Furlan, 32, on Valentine’s Day. “Holy shitballs, we did it!” Lee posted on Instagram, quoting from his wedding vows.

  • The two will share custody of Lee’s children from prior marriages, and his hepatitis.

HGTV’s ‘House Hunters’ may be changing its format to lose voice-over narration. Apparently producers are tired of editing out the narrator asking “where did these two idiots get six figures to buy a house?”

President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency to secure funding for his border wall with Mexico. This is Trump’s fourth major declaration, following his three bankruptcies.

Rumors are circulating that Lady Gaga and fiancé Christian Carino are breaking up. Insiders claim that she’s stopped wearing her engagement ring, and moved her meat dresses out of the couple’s refrigerator.

A woman having her foot and ankle amputated due to years of chronic pain from an equestrian accident wrote a “breakup note” on the foot with a Sharpie. Before taking anesthesia for the amputation, doctors still asked her four times which foot they were removing.

A study claims that women over 50 who consume more than one artificially-sweetened diet drink per day are at higher risk of stroke. The study appeared in the most recent issue of AMA journal ‘Stroke’ – the one with President Trump’s photo on the cover.

A new website thispersondoesnotexist.com demonstrates the ability of artificial intelligence to create convincing fake faces. The site was created by Philip Wang, a software engineer, to show his mom all of the girls he’s dated.

Amazon cancelled its plans to locate a new headquarters to Queens, after Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend Lauren Sanchez almost ran out of gas trying to find a skyscraper in the outer borough to land her helicopter.

Papa John’s announced they’ll pay 100% of employees tuition for online degree programs. Because if your experience delivering pizzas won’t get you your dream job, that B.A. from University of Phoenix definitely will.

George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and other stars are calling for the Motion Picture Academy to reverse its decision to announce four Oscar winners – including editing and live-action short film – during commercials. The actors say if Oscars viewers didn’t like being bored, ‘Roma’ wouldn’t be nominated for Best Picture.

By |

Texas Senator and Harvard-educated numbskull Ted Cruz suggested that the Southern Border wall be paid for by convicted drug trafficker Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Through his attorneys, El Chapo said he’ll think about it, but he’s really more of a tunnel guy.

Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are denying a viral rumor that they ‘recycle’ uneaten pizza, and are secretly happy that no one is asking about the chicken nuggets.

Jerry Stritzke, the CEO of outdoor gear retailer REI, is resigning after the disclosure of a ‘personal, consensual’ relationship that fellow executives deemed a conflict of interest. Stritzke regrets failing to inform the board that he was making out with a guy named Eddie Bauer.

Fitness model Michelle Lewin posted a photo on Instagram of a feral pig biting her buttocks during a photo shoot in the Bahamas. The pig seen in the photo is female, so there goes that myth about men.

NCAA sack leader Jaylon Ferguson of Louisiana Tech has reportedly been uninvited from the NFL Combine because of a simple battery conviction during his freshman year. Commissioner Roger Goodell reminded all NFL prospects how important it is to wait until you make an NFL team before you start beating people up.

A vape pen stored in an overhead bin caught fire during boarding of a Delta flight. The fire was extinguished and passengers were switched to a different jet. “My bad” said the 12-year-old owner of the vape pen, who then bought a new one in the terminal.

Nintendo announced Tetris 99, a battle-royale version of Tetris where 99 people play simultaneously against one another while they goof off at work.

Oklahoma approved a bill allowing adults over 21 to own & carry handguns without a permit. The bill includes funding for additional lanes on interstate highways to be designated for road rage firefights.

The Masked Singer revealed its latest mystery participant Wednesday night. After a performance of Elle King’s ‘Ex’s & Oh’s’ the Alien lifted their mask and was revealed as La Toya Jackson. The judges then promptly asked her to put the mask back on.

In a scathing ’60 Minutes’ interview, former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe said that if President Trump was ‘on the box at Quantico, he would break the machine’. By ‘the box’, McCabe was referring to either a polygraph, or a scale that measures body fat.

 

By |

LinkedIn introduced LinkedIn Live, a new live video broadcasting feature. They say it will help recruiters know when new talent enters the market as companies share videos of firing people.

An 18-year-old who had never been vaccinated because of his mother’s’ beliefs scheduled & received a battery of vaccines on his 18th birthday. He’s now the first person in the U.S. to be diagnosed with adult-onset autism.

IBM’s supercomputer ‘Project Debater’ faced off against 2016 World Debating Championships finalist Harish Natarajan in a debate about preschool funding — and lost. The computer finally broke down after the 75th time Natarajan repeated “I know you are, but what am I?”

Former NASA astronaut Mark Kelly announced his 2020 bid for Arizona’s U.S. Senate seat vacated by the death of John McCain. He’s using the next year and a half to build funding and recognition, and to find a campaign slogan that isn’t some corny thing about stars.

Houston residents entering what they thought was an abandoned home to smoke marijuana found a caged female tiger and called 911. Animal control officers arrived later to take the animal, which they described as “pretty chill”.

Canadian authorities said a human foot washed ashore in Vancouver, the 15th such occurrence in British Columbia in 10 years. Asked why the foot hadn’t been eaten by sharks or other marine mammals, an investigator said the victim had done a great job tying their shoe.

  • Detectives intend to use pedicure records to try and identify them.

Taking upskirt photos & videos of women is now illegal in the United Kingdom & Wales — where it’s known as bloomerclickin’.

Rapper YoungBoy Never Broke Again was arrested in Atlanta. He’ll face charges of disorderly conduct & marijuana possession, and be tried as RudeAdult Paying Hefty Fines.

A 41-year-old Newport News, Virginia man was arrested after projecting a porno movie on his garage door. Despite the criminal charges, a few neighbors say they’re thinking of doing something similar to drive traffic to their own yard sales.

A supporter attending President Trump’s El Paso, Texas rally attacked a BBC cameraman. “BBC, AOC, I don’t know..” said the drunk man.

Target recalled toddler ‘unicorn boots’ because of a potential choking hazard – for toddlers who are good at putting their booted feet in their mouths, for some reason.

Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman was found guilty on all ten drug-related charges in his federal trial, and faces life in maximum-security prison. Guzman’s lawyer requested a ground-floor cell and a Rita Hayworth poster for the wall.

 

By |

Two elementary school boys in Utah found a handgun in a snowbank, possibly discarded after a nearby domestic dispute. The boys had no problem holding everyone’s attention in Show & Tell, and easily found dates to the big school dance that weekend.

The average federal tax refund is down 8% so far this year, leading to an increase in sales of cheaper liquor.

Denver’s public school teachers went on strike Monday, saying their salaries are too low to keep up with both the city’s high cost of living, and legal-weed Colorado’s cost of living high.

The Cleveland Browns signed running back Kareem Hunt, who had been waived by the Kansas City Chiefs for physically abusing a woman. The Browns are kicking the tires, and hope tires are all Hunt kicks.

Cardi B mistakenly thanked Tom Petty for sending her congratulatory flowers after the Grammy Awards. Petty, who died in 2017, did not send them, but worked as hard as he could pushing them up.

Marlboro cigarette owner Altria invested $1.8 billion in cannabis company Cronos. They’re now busy casting the new Marlboro Man from a pool of white male douchebags with dreadlocks riding an electric scooter.

UCLA Medical Center developed an interactive pacifier to improve breathing for premature infants; it triggers a lullaby sung by a parent when they suck on it. It works well for the majority of babies, but some are spitting it out because their moms are lousy singers.

According to a new study, eating ultra-processed foods like sugary cereal shortens your life.  “Give me Fruity Pebbles AND give me death!” said a defiant child.

A powerful storm battered Hawai’i with 191mph winds and 60 foot waves. “Surfs up!” said people with flooded basements.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen postponed his scheduled Congressional testimony a third time – citing ‘post surgery medical needs.’ It’s unclear who ordered the surgery to remove Cohen’s tongue.

Chris Christie denied any ongoing rift with President Trump, saying Trump has offered him jobs including Secretary of Labor, Director of Homeland Security, Special Assistant & two ambassadorships…but that those aren’t jobs that he wanted. Trump has yet to offer him White House fry cook.

A gadget called LoveSync is seeking funding via Kickstarter. The LoveSync has two buttons, one for each partner to press, indicating their interest in sex. If both buttons are pressed, they can decide to have sex. No price has been set, but it’s light & compact enough to throw out the window.