By |

Apple announced they’re ending development on an autonomous self-driving electric car, which is devastating news to the 13 & Under Division of the United Chinese Auto Workers Association.

AT&T promised to refund $5 for their massive cellular outage last week. Their AT&T customers will see a bill credit; Boost Mobile customers on AT&T’s network asked if they can get the five bucks in their CashApp.

Donald Trump is trying to post a $100 million bond to appeal his $450 million financial fraud judgment, instead of the full judgment amount required by New York law. He said he has the other $350 million, but the banks in Moscow are closed.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai called its Gemini AI blunder – which depicted Asians & Blacks as World War II-era Nazis – “unacceptable”. “Yeah! What HE said!” replied American Nazis.

Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund will sponsor the Men’s ATP Tennis Tour. They wanted to sponsor the Women’s Tour, but players felt they’d trip on the ankle-length skirts.

Mitch McConnell will step down from his role as GOP Leader in the U.S. Senate, in a prepared announcement made by the sign language interpreter, then by McConnell himself a minute later when the words finally traveled from his brain to his mouth.

Monica Lewinsky made her fashion debut in a campaign for L.A.-based work apparel brand Reformation, with one photo captioned ‘Monica F*cking Lewinsky’. Historians are debating whether the f should be an s. R

‘The Sopranos‘ actress Drea De Matteo said joining OnlyFans saved her house from foreclosure and paid off her mortgage “in five minutes” at a time when she had only $10 to her name. Meanwhile, OnlyFans posthumous nudes of Paulie Walnuts haven’t been a real moneymaker.

Actress Busy Philipps said of her role in infamous Wayans Brothers film ‘White Chicks‘ that she was embarrassed at first….and second…and third…and now.

Hip-hop superstar Travis Scott’s Brentwood, California mansion is now resting on a massive hillside crack. He’s concerned, but as his romance with Kylie Jenner would show, he’s also a fan of massive cracks.

By |

FAA officials took the first steps allowing Boeing 737 Max 9 jets to return to the skies. In a related move, Alaska Airlines will now sell premium ‘Panoramic View’ seats next to the giant hole where door plugs used to be.

Saudi Arabia opened its first store serving alcohol. So far, six men offering to buy women a drink have been beheaded.

Johnson & Johnson plans to settle litigation over the safety of its talc baby powder for $700 million. Greedy lawyers are quickly organizing class action lawsuits for victims of diaper rash.

Over 21 million people signed up for Obamacare, including several million in Iowa & New Hampshire who got their registration in before attending a Trump rally.

All teachers & staff at Siouxland Christian School in Sioux City, Iowa will carry guns. Complaints about the salisbury steak in the school cafeteria have been eliminated.

Grocery chain Stew Leonard’s recalled its florentine cookies after someone died eating them. Flags are flying at half-staff on Sesame Street.

A Wendy’s franchisee in Pennsylvania was cited with nearly 800 child labor law violations for not providing breaks for workers. The franchisee said he doesn’t understand why they need bathroom breaks if he’s paying for their Pull-Ups.

Gene Robinson was consecrated as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church. “Open, you say?” .. asked a few hundred Catholic bishops thinking long & hard about making the Episcopal team switch.

Taylor Swift’s fans are battling against AI-generated pornographic images & videos featuring the popular singer. They were being shared on social media sites, and discovered by parents of teenagers viewing them and shaking it off.

10 Philadelphia area restaurants were named as semifinalists for James Beard Awards – while dozens of other steak & wing joints were sent cease and desist orders to never apply again.

By |

Israeli troops raided Gaza’s largest hospital, which, they claim, is being used as a headquarters by Hamas terrorists. Patients are also hoping they can do something about the food.

A mother who named her infant son Semen before moving to the U.S. asked for new name suggestions on Reddit. She received thousands of replies with alternate names, and a handful of replies from gay guys and women saying they really liked Semen.

Patients born with abnormally high cholesterol have shown improvements through the use of gene editing. They just need to be okay with skinny genes.

A Boeing 747 jet flying from New York’s JFK airport to Belgium had to turn around after a horse got loose in the cargo hold. The horse was also angry about being refused an upgrade.

PGA golf tour officials are finalizing negotiations for a merger with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Talks have been contentious, but so far no PGA executives have lost their head.

A New York landlord stabbed three tenants to death over their failure to pay rent. He was visited in jail by his attorney, and 50 applicants for the apartment.

Will Smith denies allegations he had sex with a man, yelling he kept that thing outta his mouth.

K-pop all-girl group BabyMonster announced that Hyeon has left the group to focus on her health and well-being, leaving Asa, Chiquita, Haram, Rora, Pharita and Ruka as the remaining members. “Wait, which of us left again?” they asked each other.

OnlyFans model Danii Banks was kicked out of Allegiant Stadium for flashing her bare breasts during the Las Vegas Raiders/New York Jets matchup. Security guards also considered a harsher punishment – forcing her to watch the rest of the game.

Jason & Travis Kelce teamed up to record a Christmas song, Fairytale of Philadelphia, for the Phildelphia Eagles charity album. After talking to a friend about how much he was getting paid, one of them rerecorded Fairytale of Philadelphia (Travis’ Version).

By |

Ariana Grande is being accused of appropriating an Asian appearance for personal gain, also known as ‘asianfishing’, also known as ‘sushiing’.

A D.C. Capitol staffer was arrested for bringing an unlicensed gun to work. He said he needed it for his Christmas card picture.

A fire captain in Arizona created a line of bulletproof vests for high school children. For an extra fee he’ll print the school mascot on it in time for the big pep rally.

A viral photo shows an 8-pound rib roast selling for $247 at an upstate New York Wegman’s grocery store. The good news is the purchaser used their shoppers club points to save fifty cents on a tank of gas.

Actress Rebel Wilson, a self-described former ‘funny fat girl’, said in an interview that her team didn’t want her to lose weight. Wilson, who’s lost 70 pounds, said her team was made up of her agent, and three on-call Grubhub drivers.

Actor Josh Hartnett told an Australian morning show the reason why he “stepped away” from Hollywood, which rhymes with “funenjoyment”.

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is facing calls for his resignation over a leaked video discussing an illegal 2020 Christmas party while the country was in lockdown. Critics say the party risked national health because of coronavirus, and the party being catered by KFC.

Reality star Josh Duggar, formerly of TLC’s ’19 Kids And Counting’, was convicted of child pornography charges. He now faces 20 years and counting.

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw declined comment on rumors she’s leaving for the same job in New York City. Outlaw said the rumors are just that, but that she’s fully qualified to help New York’s murder totals soar like they have in Philly.

40 camels were disqualified from a Saudi Arabian beauty pageant – paying $66 million to the winner – because they’ve received Botox & plastic surgery. The contest was already marred by two assistants kicked to death putting swimsuits on the contestants.

By |

As her hit song ‘Juice’ played in the arena during a Los Angeles Lakers game, singer Lizzo lifted her dress to show her thong and buttocks. Some players and fans enjoyed it, others considered it technically foul.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis advocates closing a legal loophole that allowed a Saudi national in training at a U.S. naval base to own the gun he used on a killing spree. Desantis clarified that he’s still okay with good ol’ U.S.-born lunatics shooting up public places.

President Trump tweeted Democrats have no “smocking gun” in the impeachment inquiry, leading to criticism of his misspellng on Twitter. Republicans rushed to his defense, complimenting him on the correct spelling of “gun”.

Finland’s Sanna Marin, age 34, is set to become the world’s youngest prime minister. She’s so far from her prime that they’re changing the title to Millennial Minister.

South Africa’s Zozbini Tunzi was crowned Miss Universe 2019. The only thing with more Zs than her name was the audience sleeping through the interview portion of the pageant.

Walmart Canada faces criticism for selling ugly Christmas sweaters depicting Santa, among other things, doing cocaine; getting anally probled by an alien, and warming his testicles by a fire. The sweaters are available in the stores’ Formal Wear Department.

China’s national government plans to remove foreign hardware and software from its state department. So far they’ve spent two weeks trying to find hardware that isn’t made in China.

Travel & Leisure magazine named its Top 50 vacation destinations for 2020. Number one on the list is Addis Ababa, Ethiopia – but they say to bring plenty of your own snacks.

Kentucky police seized a parcel shipped to a Louisville man’s home – an air fryer that contained 20 pounds of meth. The man was arrested and is now being treated for  addiction to french fries he made.

Family court judge Dawn Gentry of Kenton County, Kentucky, is accused of having sexual threesomes in her court chambers, as well as pressuring lawyers for sexual favors. It was so bad, instead of Your Honor, they called her You’re In Her.

By |

Singer Sam Smith announced via social media a change in pronouns to gender-neutral; Smith wants to be addressed as ‘they’ or ‘them’. Since Smith hasn’t had a hit song in years, most people are using the pronoun “Who?”

Subscription service Moviepass shut down. Owners plan to reorganize and start a business selling $12 buckets of popcorn online.

Saudi Arabia shut down half its crude oil production after Yemeni rebels set fire to multiple facilities with drone strikes. With cash flow cut in half, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman had to call off half of his weekly weddings and murders-for-hire.

An 18-year-old Juul user is suing the vape company, claiming he has the lungs of a 70 year old. He’s seeking damages in an amount befitting a rich 80-year-old.

The FDA is recommending approval of Palforzia, a drug to build immunity to peanut allergies in children. Recommended dosage is one Palforzia & jelly sandwich each day.

Rob Gronkowski said his brain is “fixed” after suffering 20 concussions. As evidence, Gronk said he’s just as smart as he was when he was 6 years old and hadn’t played football yet.

Jennifer Lopez said her 11-year-old son, Max, will walk her down the aisle when she marries Alex Rodriguez. Her daughter will hold her train, walking two feet behind her to avoid bumping into her ass.

A 6-year-old girl, who noticed her Army figurines were all men, convinced a toymaker to create female Army figurines, but only after conceding to the toymaker’s demand that they have huge boobs and a narrow waist.

A woman in Tennessee gave birth to a daughter, Caroline, on 9/11, at 9:11pm weighing 9 pounds, 11 ounces.  Her health insurer then gave her a copay bill of $9,011.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino celebrated his release from prison with his wife. The woman wife, not the prison one.

Caitlyn Jenner, speaking in a promo for a Comedy Central roast of Alec Baldwin, said she hasn’t cut “it” off. Sadly she meant both her penis and her tongue.

 

By |

Saudis deny involvement in leaks of Jeff Bezos’ private photos, saying his story is pretty boring since a multibillionaire with one wife and one mistress is really just a Starter Kit.

‘This Is America’ won Song of the Year at last night’s Grammy Awards — paving the way for the grand opening of the new Childish Gambino Cabaret Theater in Branson, Missouri.

Senator Elizabeth Warren announced she’s running for President. She’d been delaying her announcement until the weather was favorable enough for smoke signals to be seen from a great distance.

A New Zealand restaurant apologized when a server presented a receipt marked ‘Asians’ to a table, presumably to distinguish them from other patrons. The diners complained, and they were presented with a new receipt marked ‘Angry Asians’.

The U.S. Army described their specifications for the Next Generation Squad Weapon [NGSW], a high-tech rifle for future fighting forces. They say it will boost hit probability at long range, adjust for atmospheric conditions, and stop firing when it hears school bells ring.

Jennifer Aniston turned 50, making her eligible to star in romantic comedies opposite Robert Deniro.

Sportscaster Bob Costas claims he was fired by NBC Sports and prevented from hosting Super Bowl 52 because he spoke openly about concussions. Peers and fans alike defended Costas, saying he isn’t the only one wanting to concuss Cris Collinsworth.

Samsung is hosting a press conference on February 20, in which they’re expected to show off a new folding smartphone. Consumers are wary, thinking that once unfolded, it will be impossible to fold it back the right way ever again.

Dating app Bumble introduced ‘Spotlight’, its own version of Tinder’s ‘Boost’, where users can pay extra to have their profiles moved up to the front of the queue for 30 minutes. Bumble claims that, so far, it’s been a huge hit with rich ugly men.

McDonald’s added Donut Sticks to its McCafe Menu. They’ll only be available during breakfast hours, but if you insist on something sweet and bad for you after 10:30a.m., they’ll dump sugar on your french fries.

 

By |

R Kelly refuses to watch the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ – detailing his alleged abuse of women – calling it a “vendetta” against him. Sources say Kelly is really pissed on about it.

A giant tuna sold for a record $3.1 million at auction to a restaurant owner in Tokyo. He then paid another $1 million for bread, mayonnaise, celery & onions to break the record for the world’s biggest, most disappointing lunch.

According to LinkedIn, ‘artificial intelligence’ is one of the top 5 hard skills employers are seeking in 2019.  And by artificial intelligence, they aren’t referring to lying on your LinkedIn profile.

Brazilian UFC fighter Polyana Viana said she beat up a man in Rio de Janeiro who was attempting to steal her cell phone. UFC President Dana White immediately boarded a flight to Rio to collect $40 from everyone who saw it happen.

Alabama police are warning drivers against stopping on Highway 35 to retrieve chicken tenders that were spilled on the road in an 18-wheeler wreck. Their plea will likely prove unsuccessful, because in Alabama, the 5-second rule is 5 days.

Kendall Jenner took to Instagram to say she struggles with facial acne, and to announce that she’s the new celebrity spokesperson for Proactiv.  Still no word which of her sisters will be named spokesperson for new Proactiv for Ginormous Butt Zits.

Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa is the new record-holder for most retweeted post ever. He promised to share $975,000 with 100 randomly-selected persons who retweeted him. As of this morning, the tweet had been retweeted more than 5 million times, 4.96 million of those coming from @realDonaldTrump .

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was absent from oral arguments in the Supreme Court’s first session of 2019. Ginsburg is recovering from cancer surgery, and from getting hammered at the premiere of the new movie about her.

According to a new law, Saudi Arabian women divorced by their husbands will be notified via text message. Which sounds terrible, but women getting divorce notifications from Boost Mobile probably knew their husband wasn’t a billionaire.

  • ‘New phone. Who dis?’ read a reply to a wrong-number divorce notification.

Kevin Spacey appeared in a Nantucket court Monday morning as his attorney entered a plea of not guilty to charges against Spacey for sexual assault. “How did he get here so soon after the Golden Globes?” asked a low-level court employee who hasn’t been keeping up.

By |

Porn actress Jenna Jameson shared three photos of her buttocks on Instagram, to display the progress of her appearance over the course of an eight-month, 80-pound weight loss. “Oh, NOW I recognize you!” said 50 different male porn stars when they saw the third picture.

A GoFundMe campaign seeks to raise a billion dollars to help fund the controversial wall along the U.S./Mexico border, and has already raised $3.3 million dollars. It was started by The Trump Foundation.

Customer service agents at DNA testing services like Ancestry and 23andMe are reporting fielding panic calls from customers getting results that reveal they’re adopted, or that children aren’t really theirs. They say the hard part is telling callers that speaking to a supervisor won’t change that their wife had an affair.

Kim, Khloe & Kourtney Kardashian and sister Kylie Jenner all said they’ll no longer update their personal apps and websites — abandoning fans who will only be able to see & read about them on their tv show..gossip sites..other tv shows.. Facebook.. Instagram.. Snapchat..TikTok…

Anheuser-Busch is investing $50 million toward development of cannabis-infused beverages. So around July 4th, when they put America on Budweiser cans, it will read Stoned America instead.

Following Alfonso Ribeiro’s lawsuit against Epic Games ‘Fortnite’ for stealing his Carlton Dance, ‘Backpack Kid’, inventor of the Floss, is also suing Epic for stealing his dance. Lawyers for Chubby Checker are ready just in case Fortnite characters do The Twist while standing in front of a walker.

Walgreens announced a plan designed to save the company more than $1 billion annually. It pretty much boils down to firing everyone who’s been stealing oxycontin.

The U.S. Justice Department accused China of systemic hacking into the systems of American tech & industry giants. Comcast said that the Chinese had stolen their Customer Satisfaction Playbook – but the Justice Department said they’re more worried about useful information that was stolen.

In the U.K., a dying man enamored of his two-year-old neighbor girl bought her 19 years of Xmas presents and had them delivered to her parents before he passed away.  The parents cried, then promptly opened the Year 19 gift and got wasted on it.

Saudi Arabia announced the creation of three new government bodies aimed at improving their intelligence operations after the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul. The three bodies are: strategy & development; legal affairs; and a new & improved secret murder department.

By |

Comcast announced it’s rolled out 1 Gigabit/second speed availability to all of its residential internet customers. They’re encouraging people to sign up for the service and experience speeds about one-tenth as fast as advertised.

Greg Lansky, owner of Strike 3 Entertainment — a man who calls himself “the Steven Spielberg of porn” — is suing 40 ‘John Does’ in the Buffalo, NY area for pirating his adult content. The defendants have not been named, but dozens of 15-year-old boys are moving their allowances into offshore Cayman Islands accounts.

A school cafeteria manager in Nebraska resigned after admitting he made and sold chili to students containing kangaroo meat.  At a track meet the next day, a student broke the decades-old high jump record by a full foot.

Senator Mitch McConnell and his wife, Elaine Chao, were confronted by angry protesters on Friday night as they dined at a Cuban restaurant. McConnell said he was just there to enjoy his food and help ICE agents load a truck full of servers for deportation to Cuba.

A 22-year-old man arrested at Baltimore-Washington International Airport for possessing a firearm in his luggage blamed his mother, who he said did his packing.  As evidence, the man submitted a note attached to the .40 caliber rifle, reading “Have fun shooting someone! Call me. Love, Mom.”

Saudi Arabia confirmed that missing writer Jamal Khashoggi is dead. They said he was being interrogated when a fistfight broke out and he died. Asked where his body is, the Saudis said they gave it to a mortician, but that he got into a fistfight with a competing mortician and now they can’t find it.

Video surfaced of a male Coral Springs, Florida police officer repeatedly punching  the ribs of a 14-year-old girl, subdued and lying face-down on the ground outside of a mall. “I paid $49 for this?…” said UFC fight fans before realizing it wasn’t video of a UFC-sanctioned event.

Denis Hof, a Nevada entrepreneur who owned & operated two legal brothels, the Bunny Ranch & Love Ranch, died last week. Paramedics arrived to treat an ‘unresponsive male’, and were surprised to find a lifeless body, because ‘unresponsive males’ at the Bunny Ranch are usually treated with Cialis.

A large, inflatable walk-through colon was stolen from the University of Kansas Cancer Center. Meanwhile, an oversized rectum is being flown to Texas to appear at a campaign rally for Senator Ted Cruz.

A new study claims that adults can reduce their risk of cancer by eating organic. A poll of Americans asking if they’d rather do their weekly shopping at Whole Foods or get cancer was a toss-up.